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It's hitting me


Forum: Stillbirth

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  #1  
November 13th, 2009, 03:56 PM
MeganMomof5's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 11,772
I haven't cried in over a week, but I guess today it's hitting me that it will be a month tomorrow that Ella was born...It's been the longest month, but short at the same time...Every day that passes I feel like i'm farther away from my baby girl...I feel like i'm forgetting details and it makes me sad ...I was up almost all night...I have to stop taking these sleeping pills because they aren't working all that well and I feel like i'm becoming dependant on them for sleeping...Everytime I fell asleep last night it was just awful dreams, nightmares...I don't think i've had a normal nights sleep without a pill since I found out she had died...Today I went to costco, I haven't been there since the day before I found out she was gone...Last time I was there I was buying baby clothes...We passed by the clothes section and my son said I should buy the baby some clothes and I told him like I usually do "We don't have the baby anymore" usually he understands and tells me that she died (he's been telling people that), but he said "no we have the baby still"...It just made me sad because that's the first time that he's said that...I was honest with the kids, and even to him (He's 3 1/2), and we talk about her being gone and where she is now etc...I don't know why he insisted that she was still in my tummy today...In a way i'm glad i'm going to have a busy weekend, but in another i'd rather stay home and just think about my baby girl on the one month anniversary of her birth...I just want to be alone.
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  #2  
November 13th, 2009, 07:03 PM
Super Mommy
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: CT
Posts: 982
i'm sorry mama I'm 7 months (wow!) missing my Joey...I know exactly how you feel...i can promise you that eventually it does get easier. As you said, you haven't cried in a week...but I bet the day you got home from the hospital you never thought you would go an hour, much less a day without crying. Its okay to have meltdowns. It is good for you to get that emotion out. And, even though I still to this day feel guilty about being busy or even being happy about another baby, it is good for you. Your baby Ella would not want you sad ALL the time. She wants you to enjoy her brother, just as my Joey would want us to enjoy his big brother Jamie (5) and his new little sibling due in June. Its okay to feel whatever you feel, allow yourself to do whatever you need.


Its good you talk to your son about Ella...Jamie and I talk about Joey a lot. He had to draw a family tree at school and he put a little figure on one of the "leaves" with angel wings...that was Joey. Your son will do little things too as he grows that let you know he hasn't forgotten about his sister. And they will make you want to smile and sob all at the same time. It is so hard for kids to grasp though, especially when they never actually saw the baby IRL. Jamie did come and hold his brother, but he was confused for awhile about if Joey was dead when he was holding him. And he asked when Joey was going to open his eyes and eat some food (he wanted to share his Italian Ice). I'm tearing up just remembering.

Okay sorry bout the tangent, didn't mean to hijack.

In short, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2 months ago...I never thought I would be at the point I am today. YOu will never stop hurting or missing your baby...but it will get easier to deal wtih your new sense of normal. I promise. Take care of yourself.
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Kathryn
Married to my best friend Tom since 2004 (together since 1999)
Mommy to two little boys:
Jamie ~ 7-12-04 ~ fun, crazy, transformer loving tough-guy mama's boy
and
Joey ~ 4-4-09 ~ born sleeping ~ held under my heart for 40wk1d, in my arms for just 6 short hours but he will be in my heart forever
And finally holding my little girl,Felicity Rose, Born into Daddy's loving hands on June 9, 2010

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  #3  
November 14th, 2009, 09:15 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: New York
Posts: 1,760
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  #4  
November 15th, 2009, 01:09 AM
claire1979's Avatar mummy to a special angel
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: huddersfield, england
Posts: 33,629
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aww hugs hun (())
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  #5  
November 15th, 2009, 07:30 AM
Veteran
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 257
I'm sorry. We lost our baby about a week after you. I know what you mean. Sometimes you can go a few days without crying, sometimes a few hours. It just hits all of a sudden. I've gotten up from my desk at work and ran to the bathroom. Of course, being in a similar situation, but I can be here to listen. *Hugs*
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Last edited by CeliaJM; November 15th, 2009 at 07:31 AM. Reason: mispelling
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