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A year ago today you were born into my arms. Arms that wanted so much to hold you forever and keep you safe. Losing you was so devastating and was such a huge shock to us. We waited for you and looked forward to meeting you and having you part of our lives. The pain after realizing you were not here to stay was so great, but this painful journey has led me to realize that underneath all that pain, hurt and heartache there is something profound and that is Love. Continuing to love you, talk about you and remember you. You are very much loved. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think about you and miss you. I want to think part of you is somewhere out in the vast universe. That your essence didn't die, but transformed and continues to live on. Thinking this gives me peace. I'm not one who thinks about fate or one's purpose here on this earth, but I'd like to think you coming into our lives has taught us so much. Your sisters ask about you and I show them your pictures. Grace often says she misses you and wants you back. It hurts to tell her I can't bring you back. I tell her instead that we have to remember you and treat you as part of our family because you are. You're here in spirit. You live on in our memories and hearts. You will never be forgotten. Odd that something so heartbreaking can end up bringing joy to a family. You have especially warmed my heart and have brought me so much joy. We didn't get to spend much time together, but I knew you. I know you. You were my baby from the beginning and we had that bond. You are my baby. My forever baby. You will always be my sweet, sweet boy. And today, my sweet boy, we honor you. Today is your day. Happy Birthday!
“Nothing really dies,” I told him. “It just turns into something else. Everything is always changing form. Do you remember the pumpkin that rotted into the earth in your garden? Tomatoes sprouted where it used to be. This bird will go back to the earth and turn into lavendar flowers and butterflies.”
– Anne Cushman
Death is one of two things. Either it is annihilation, and the dead have no consciousness of anything; or, as we are told, it is really a change: a migration of the soul from one place to another.
Aeon, mama to Grace, 12/04; Evangeline, 11/06; Duncan, 11/08 ; and Henry, 12/09. Ruby Matilda Rose due 12/1/14.