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  #1  
November 19th, 2009, 06:24 PM
MeganMomof5's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Tonight 2 other mom's that i know came and told me that they know how i'm feeling because they had early miscarriages...I wanted to tell them that It's not the same, but I just smiled and didn't really as anything...I'm sure it hurt them to lose their pregnancy's, but it's not the same...What do you say to people? I also had to explain to one of them what happend, she thought I was still pregnant (I had on a baggy sweater).
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  #2  
November 19th, 2009, 08:40 PM
rebeccabaltimore and more's Avatar (rebeccabaltimore)
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I've now had both kinds of losses. It's different. But loss is loss, and I don't love my miscarried multiples any less than Ethan. I've learned not to tell women who've had miscarriages that it's different, even though it is, because they are hurting too. I just ask them how they are doing. So many women with losses feel alone, and that's sad.

Explaining to people that I just LOOKED pregnant never got easier though. That always sucks. People really need to learn not to put women on the spot like that, because sometimes they are big girls (like me) and sometimes they just had a stillborn baby (also like me). And then when they ask me I cry, and they feel bad . . it never ends well!
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  #3  
November 19th, 2009, 08:47 PM
MeganMomof5's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I didn't mean to say that an early miscarriage isn't painful because my first pregnancy ended early (This is the first i've ever mentioned it to anyone), and it was a very sad time...To me, it didn't affect me as much as having Ella, it's so different...I know that both are hurtful...I just wish they wouldn't come up to me and say that...Honestly i'd rather them say nothing...I'm still having a hard time being around everyone, so when they say things to me like that it just makes it harder.

Today I told my mom that i'd be almost 28 weeks and in my 3rd trimester already and she said that she didn't want to talk about it...It was so akward and made me feel just horrible
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  #4  
November 20th, 2009, 06:03 AM
grlpisces's Avatar Dynamite w/ a laser beam
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I experienced a miscarriage, but I have to be honest --- it didn't affect me at all. Not the way Noah's stillbirth did. And I agree --- a miscarriage IS different from a stillbirth, but many people seem to acknowledge someone's miscarriage and with a stillbirth, they clam up and are hesitant to say anything to the grieving parent.
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  #5  
November 20th, 2009, 08:14 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MeganMomof4 View Post
Tonight 2 other mom's that i know came and told me that they know how i'm feeling because they had early miscarriages...I wanted to tell them that It's not the same, but I just smiled and didn't really as anything...I'm sure it hurt them to lose their pregnancy's, but it's not the same...What do you say to people? I also had to explain to one of them what happend, she thought I was still pregnant (I had on a baggy sweater).
I understand what you're saying. I feel the same way. It's not the same to me. I guess it is to some. I've even had someone compare losing their DOG to me losing Logan. I think in some peoples minds, it's all the same. pain. But in my mind it's not. It's very different.

But I try to think about how a parent who has lost a child at 3 or 4 years of age is probably feeling like it's not the same to have a stillborn baby. I would disagree with that, but it's not something I could argue. I can't imagine that parents pain, but then again, they can't imagine mine.

I expected a miscarriage of one of my twins in the first trimester. I knew it was a strong possibility. But I did not expect at 35 weeks to find out my son had died. I didn't even consider that to be anywhere even NEAR the realm of possibility.

Anyway, I'm rambling. I get it and I feel the same way.
*hugs*
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  #6  
November 24th, 2009, 09:58 AM
BellaBellski's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rebeccabaltimore View Post
I've now had both kinds of losses. It's different. But loss is loss, and I don't love my miscarried multiples any less than Ethan. I've learned not to tell women who've had miscarriages that it's different, even though it is, because they are hurting too. I just ask them how they are doing. So many women with losses feel alone, and that's sad.

Explaining to people that I just LOOKED pregnant never got easier though. That always sucks. People really need to learn not to put women on the spot like that, because sometimes they are big girls (like me) and sometimes they just had a stillborn baby (also like me). And then when they ask me I cry, and they feel bad . . it never ends well!
I totally know what you mean! After we found out we were going to lose D, but before we actually lost him, I had multiple people saying "awe you're having another one!" and I would get all teary eyed and say "well, Im supposed to be". I don't think anyone ever really understood what that meant, as one of them said "awe it'll happen when its supposed to happen" like I was upset that we were having issues TTC or something. I also felt soo hurt and angry that I wanted other people to hurt for me, too and sometimes I would just flat out say "nope. We just found out we're going to lose him". I hated how non-chalauntly it came out - like I didn't care or something, I was just in so much pain and so numb at the same time... you know??

I've also had people compare it to a m/c and a c/p and it always pissed me off, because though both hurt - it is NOT the same. I carried him for 21 weeks. I felt him moving and hiccuping, I Heard his heart beating. And then I went through 15 1/2 hours of labor just to hold my precious little son in the palm of my hand and have to say goodbye. I had to then go to a funeral home, fill out paperwork, pick out an urn, get his death certificate. I sometimes wish I would have just m/c him in the beginning - it would have been hard, but I wouldn't have to have gone through everything I did. But at the same time, I feel grateful that I got to carry him as long as I did, that I Got to deliver him and hold him and tell him how much I loved him. I still miss him every single day.
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  #7  
January 3rd, 2011, 03:12 PM
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I came across this thread and wanted to create a quick profile to share something little I learned. I've had a m/c, stillbirth and early twin loss. While I don't find it appropriate to compare the loss of a child to the loss of a family pet I try not to discredit any one's grief. Here is why:

I had the stillbirth and for months had to deal with some people I trusted thinking in a rather old fashioned way about how I shouldn't be sad or shouldn't grieve or even that I should have just chosen to abort so I wouldn't have to grieve (which if I had chosen that doesn’t mean I wouldn't have grieved).

A few years went by and I got a chance to sit down and really talk to one of these people. I was most hurt by their feelings originally because they had lost a 24 year old son and thought I was wrong in how I grieved as if their older child was more appropriate to grieve.

We both found out that day that the age at which you lose your child means nothing. For some a m/c is terrible but not the earth shattering experience of a stillbirth or early child loss for others it's just as horrible. There is no wrong way to grieve your children and no earlier or later point at which to grieve them.

As we spoke we discovered being family that we shared a LOT of similarities in how we grieved. It was almost as if we were parroting each other in how we felt over our losses and how we reacted and what we did to heal afterward. I knew where I got a lot of my personality from after that.

The point is it's all about genetics and life experience and even a lot to do with religious beliefs and your own personal beliefs. All of that plays a part in how you react to any kind of child loss.

On another hand I don't think I would ever tell someone "I know what you are going through," because of my losses. I'm so different in personality, experience and beliefs that I can never do anything more than empathize with other women who have lost children of any age. But I realize it's common to say the term, "I know what you are going through." So, this may be one of those times to turn the other cheek and accept what they mean rather than what they say.

I don’t know if any of you had this reaction or if I was the only one with how I grieved but I got almost protective of my grief. There was a time where I would have been very offended with someone trying to compare my grief to their very small grief. It was almost like it were some kind of competition where I had to have it the worst and all these other people could not compare because they have never had to feel my pain before and if they only knew for a second what this felt like they wouldn’t be complaining about such small things any more.

It wasn’t until after a few years when I sat down with this woman that I realized she had been doing the same thing with me after having lost a stillborn child by assuming her grief was worse and how hurt I was to think of that because of how extremely painful that grief had been. THEN when we found out we grieved the loss of our children in almost the same way with a 20 year difference between the two losses it helped both of us to overcome that cocoon of grief we had shielded ourselves with from the outside world. We learned not to judge others grief by our own grief. No matter when you lose a child it’s the worst tragedy any parent can exsperience.
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  #8  
January 3rd, 2011, 03:25 PM
MeganMomof5's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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wow this is an old thread, that I started a month after Ella died.

I've since had 2 miscarriages, one a late miscarriage and another an "early" miscarriage, and I still stand by my feelings...I feel as though Ella was just as much my child as my other children...I still grieve for my miscarriages, but they were not the same to me as her death...I of course can not know how other people feel for their miscarriages,stillbirths, or death of a living child, but I do know how I feel...I still don't like it when Ella's death is compared to a miscarriage, because it wasn't the same (to me).
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  #9  
January 3rd, 2011, 04:04 PM
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That's it exactly. For you it wasn't the same. It wasn't exactly the same for me either but for me it was just as horrible and traumatic in different ways. It wasn't until after my m/c that people started suggesting I get help for the grief I was going through. Before that point it had just been a counselor through my church. I personally went round the bend after losing the third child even though "she" (I always felt she was a girl) was an early m/c.

This may be completely off but there was one big reason in the beginning that I didn't like people comparing my stillbirth with a m/c and that was with how I perceived the world viewing the difference between the two. Before I had my losses I thought m/c were nothing and didn't comprehend people's grief because I just thought you try again and it's no big deal. So when people would try to say I'd had a m/c I'd make sure they knew it was a stillbirth and not a m/c because of how I felt before my loss and didn't want people thinking it was "no big deal."

I think now that I was young a stupid before my losses. Most people who haven't had a loss are nieve because they can't empathize. You can be 90 and nieve as I'm sure I will be about some things someday. I know now how wrong and cold-hearted I was tword women who got "upset" over a m/c. If there were a perception with "normal" women that a m/c were a real loss I think my feelings toward people comparing the two in the beginning may have been different but that is just because I know how I personally used to be and how I've changed. That is all because of my personal exsperience with loss. You probably never even had the same ideas on m/c and child loss as I used to.
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  #10  
January 3rd, 2011, 07:47 PM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
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I don't think it's good to use the term "I know how you feel" in any situation, even if you've had a similar experience. Nobody feels the same even in similar situations.

Honestly? If I miscarried right now, I'd be devastated. I would. But it would be so different from Cora. I saw her on ultrasound, I felt her move, I called her by name, I got to know her a little. I went through labor and delivery. I held her lifeless body, and handed it over to a funeral director and never saw her again. None of that would happen were I to miscarry right now.

It's different. But that doesn't mean it's worse.
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  #11  
January 3rd, 2011, 08:43 PM
MeganMomof5's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Brittanie;22607379
Honestly? If I miscarried right now, I'd be devastated. I would. But it would be so different from Cora. I saw her on ultrasound, I felt her move, I called her by name, I got to know her a little. I went through labor and delivery. I held her lifeless body, and handed it over to a funeral director and never saw her again. None of that would happen were I to miscarry right now.

It's different. But that doesn't mean it's [I
worse[/I].
That's exactly how I feel!

I was DEVASTATED with my miscarriages, especially my 15 week loss...But I didn't know those babies, they didn't have a name, they didn't have a bed, and clothes and toys...I wasn't planning for them just yet...Ella was already named, She had belongings, and I loved her so much...It's just so different...I also agree about the "I know how you feel"...I try to say to people "I understand", I think it works better for the situation.
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  #12  
January 8th, 2011, 04:48 PM
MrsAndMommy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MeganMomof5 View Post
That's exactly how I feel!

I was DEVASTATED with my miscarriages, especially my 15 week loss...But I didn't know those babies, they didn't have a name, they didn't have a bed, and clothes and toys...I wasn't planning for them just yet...Ella was already named, She had belongings, and I loved her so much...It's just so different...I also agree about the "I know how you feel"...I try to say to people "I understand", I think it works better for the situation.
My 13 week 3 day missed miscarriage is still fresh in my mind and I still feel so so sad for you with Ella. I agree with everything you've said Megan. I love my angel baby but seeing your baby face-to-face seems so much harder to me. (sorry I know I am lurking, I'm popping into every board because I'm bored..plus I love Megan and like reading her posts) *hugs*
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  #13  
January 9th, 2011, 04:28 AM
SarahBethsMommy's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I think it really isn't about saying "I'm grieving too." It is the words, "I know how you feel." I don't think anyone on this board who HAS had stillbirths know how I feel. I get really indignant when people say those words to me or to anyone else who is grieving. You do not know how that person feels no matter what. Now if somewhere to say, "I lost a child too, and I'm so sorry for your loss!" I would much rather talk to that person.
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  #14  
January 10th, 2011, 05:40 PM
rebeccabaltimore and more's Avatar (rebeccabaltimore)
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Two things from me:

1. It has been almost 2 years from losing Ethan, and over a year since losing Grant's co-triplets, and even though the loss dates were only 4 weeks apart (18 weeks with Ethan, 14 weeks with the triplets) the losses feel COMPLETELY different, because I gave birth to Ethan. I won't say this to a m/c survivor, but my m/c was easier and does not weigh on me as heavily as my stillbirth.

2. I used to be a therapist. And the first thing they taught us in grad school was to never, EVER say "I know how you feel." Because the situation may be the same, but the circumstances aren't, and even if they were people perceive and react differently. I am very, very careful to never say that I know how someone feels.

I don't think that people who say that (basically everybody) realize how unbelievably unhelpful that is. In fact, it's condescending.
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