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It's been 1 year and 8 months. (p/g ment)


Forum: Stillbirth

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  #1  
December 16th, 2009, 10:26 AM
lilflower
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It's been one year and 8 months since I gave birth to my precious little Noah. This should be his second Christmas had I carried to term or he had survived such a traumatic birth. I can't get it out of my head today. I suppose it's because of all the getting ready for the holidays. We celebrate 2 holidays.

All I can think about was how much pain I was in physically and how I didn't take it seriously until it was too late and my water had broken. I still feel so guilty. I swore that I wouldn't get overly emotional about it today because I'm having some issues with this pregnancy too, but I can't help it. He was my son. My first son, and now I'm having another little boy and it just doesn't seem to matter. I can't get excited like I feel I should be getting. I accidentally call this little one (who's name is Thomas) by his angel brothers name. And I'm scared that I just won't be able to give him as much of my heart as I gave Noah. I really hope you girls don't think I'm being selfish. Because I do know that it is a blessing that I'm pregnant again and that it's progressing normally so far, but I just feel so awful. Like why is this baby more important than him?

Sorry just needed to get it out a little and have a cry.
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  #2  
December 16th, 2009, 10:55 AM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Littleton, CO
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I felt much the same way when I was pregnant with Erin. I was having another little girl but I just couldn't bond like I had with Cora. I was so scared of another loss that I couldn't just be happy. (and I still sometimes call Erin by Cora's name!)

But you know what? You will be able to love Thomas as much as you love/miss Noah. It's a normal worry (even with parents with a living child who are pregnant again), to wonder if you can love another child as much as the first. Amazingly...you can.

Don't feel guilty about not knowing what was going on. It's easy to see, in hindsight, that you should have known, etc, but at the time you couldn't have. He was your first, how were you supposed to know what was going on?

And Thomas isn't more important than Noah. He's not less important either. He's your baby and when you look at his sweet face you will be able to feel all those things you think you can't right now. Right now you just have to survive your pregnancy. There will be plenty of time to bond with Thomas later.
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  #3  
December 16th, 2009, 12:18 PM
noworries
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Hugs sweetie. I think Brittanie said everything wonderfully but I just want to give you a big HUG today.
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  #4  
December 16th, 2009, 01:01 PM
lilflower
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Thank you girls.
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  #5  
December 16th, 2009, 02:15 PM
claire1979's Avatar mummy to a special angel
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just wanted to send u some hugs hun (())
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  #6  
December 16th, 2009, 03:33 PM
Super Mommy
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I have to totally agree with Brittanie. I called Mady Robert a few times. I also have to admit that I did not bond with Mady. Everyday I was pregnant with her, I convinced myself that she may not make it through the day. Now that she is here, I have finally relaxed and been able to enjoy her. Take it easy on yourself and let yourself cry.
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  #7  
December 16th, 2009, 05:44 PM
grlpisces's Avatar Dynamite w/ a laser beam
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Oh Lillian

As a Mom to an Angel Baby named Noah, I want to cry with you
No words to offer, just lots and lots of
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I'm Barb, Mom to Angel on Earth Julia Rose (7*22*08), her twin brother Angel in Heaven Noah (7*22*08), and rainbow baby Sydney Noelle (12*4*09).





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  #8  
December 16th, 2009, 06:04 PM
Super Mommy
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: CT
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I have no words, I am not yet at 1y and I know feelings are so differnet by the day let alone by months apart. I am however pregnant as well and I, too, feel like it is taking much more effort to get excited this time and my bonding almost feels fake, like I'm forcing myself to try. I want to, and I want to love this baby SO MUCH, but I'm not quite there. Thank goodness pregnancy is 9 months so there is time to get used to all the new feelings...or at the very least start to process them.
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And finally holding my little girl,Felicity Rose, Born into Daddy's loving hands on June 9, 2010

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  #9  
December 16th, 2009, 07:58 PM
lunarmagic's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Location: MA
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It is so hard to bond to another child, knowing you will never get to bring home your first. I'm sorry you are struggling, I am sorry you are feeling guilt.

I have this feeling that it'll be a lot harder to bond to this baby I'm carrying if it's another boy... because I think the lines will blur more.
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  #10  
December 17th, 2009, 10:53 AM
rebeccabaltimore and more's Avatar (rebeccabaltimore)
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Posts: 1,842
I'm carrying my second boy. He doesn't have a name yet, and I keep calling him Ethan. It makes me feel so guilty. I am excited about this pregnancy (now that we know what happened to Ethan isn't happening to this baby) but I also feel really uncomfortable because if Ethan had lived, I wouldn't be pregnant right now. I feel guilty for missing Ethan, like I'm betraying my new baby, and when I'm excited for this pregnancy I feel like I'm doing Ethan a disservice, like he feels I'm replacing him. I'm ****** if I do, ****** if I don't.
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  #12  
December 19th, 2009, 08:54 PM
Veteran
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Posts: 257
When we lost our daughter, I was having some pain, but tried to ignore it. I didn't even want to admit my water broke. It wasn't until she was actually coming out that I realized I was in labor. By then it was too late. I gave birth at home. I struggled with the guilt. How could I not know I was in labor when I had a baby before. So I can understand the guilt part, but honestly, you didn't know. My therapist (yes, I needed therapy afterwards) asked a great question. "If you knew something was wrong, would you have gone to the hospital?" Of course you would.
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  #13  
December 20th, 2009, 08:27 PM
lilflower
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CeliaJM View Post
When we lost our daughter, I was having some pain, but tried to ignore it. I didn't even want to admit my water broke. It wasn't until she was actually coming out that I realized I was in labor. By then it was too late. I gave birth at home. I struggled with the guilt. How could I not know I was in labor when I had a baby before. So I can understand the guilt part, but honestly, you didn't know. My therapist (yes, I needed therapy afterwards) asked a great question. "If you knew something was wrong, would you have gone to the hospital?" Of course you would.
I think that is why I feel so guilty I had to have known that something was wrong and ignored it. I was hysterical by the time I got to the hospital. I went into preterm labor with DD too (4) but it was "false" a few times and didn't think about it until it was too much to sit down. I was squatting in the car on my way. Crying. I know I would have gone sooner had I thought something bad was happening.




Thank all of you ladies so much for helping.. I'm trying so hard to deal with this. But this Christmas is just so hard. I feel badly if I say I'm blessed...because Noah is NOT here for the second christmas. And I'm pregnant with another little boy. If my DD wasn't so young I'd try to explain to her why I don't want christmas. But I can't. She still believes in Santa Claus.
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