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  #1  
December 21st, 2009, 08:15 PM
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 3,781
....did you ever hear a story or know someone having gone through a stillbirth and thinking to yourself just how tragic and awful that would be to experience something so horrible and never being able to or wanting to imagine the pain they must be experiencing?

When I was probably about 13ish weeks pregnant with Katrina, I remember one story specifically involving a stillborn baby. My co-worker and I were talking this one time at work and I don't remember how it came up, but he told me at one of our other locations out there that he used to work at, there was a girl there - who I had met a few times, but never really knew well - who had lost her first baby at around 25ish weeks. He told me how she had to deliver her baby dead, how her and her husband had a funeral for their daughter and how she had a ring made with her daughter's name engraved on the inside.

I just remember listening to this story with tears in my eyes, being in such disbelief and feeling so awful for her and her husband. I kept thinking just how horrible it would be to have to experience losing a baby like that and having to go through birth only to deliver your child dead. I went home that night and remember telling Jon and told him how I couldn't stop thinking about this story and how it made me feel so sad. It was so absolutely heartbreaking to me.

Little did I know that only about 10 weeks after I had heard that story I would be experiencing the exact same grief and pain as she went through. I sometimes think that I had heard that story in order to somewhat prepare me for my loss of Katrina.
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  #2  
December 21st, 2009, 09:00 PM
lilflower
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I had not heard of a story or anyone I knew who knew someone who had a stillbirth. In fact, I was the only one I knew who had even had a miscarriage before my stillbirth. I felt like I was the most unlucky and punished person on the planet. Now I know that I went through that so I could help all of my friends who then suffered after me. I volunteer at a grief group and help counsel mommies with losses.
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  #3  
December 21st, 2009, 09:12 PM
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^ that's really nice of you to volunteer at a grief group of others going through losses. People need to know they're not alone.

Last edited by LaLaLa1; December 21st, 2009 at 09:17 PM.
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  #4  
December 21st, 2009, 10:00 PM
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Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 696
Crazy thing for me was Brittanie was in the February DDC and I was in the January DDC. I was a lurker (since I was due January 21st) in the Feb DDC, and so she had posted the story about Cora. I read it and just was so sad. At the time I remember thinking how I could never ever ever make it through something like that. Little did I know that about 6 or 7 months later, I would be going through it.
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  #5  
December 21st, 2009, 10:24 PM
grlpisces's Avatar Dynamite w/ a laser beam
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Location: 32.918289,-97.272266
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Long, long time ago I became a member of an online wedding message board / website after Nate and I had gotten engaged. Well, much like you do on JM, you befriend people throughout whatever "journeys" your friends go through (engagement, wedding planning, marriage, children, etc.) and I ended up hanging around for a number of years after Nate and I had gotten married, just as a way to stay in touch with people.

One of the members was a particular tool on that website, always complaining about SOMETHING and being more melodramatic about things than were necessary and her pregnancies were no exception. Well, her first son she delivered just fine. But it wasn't until I noticed her siggy had a picture of her living son and her stillborn son with an angelversary date that I realized what happened and started stalking some of her recent posts.

I can't remember why her 2nd pregnancy ended in a stillbirth, but to be honest, that was the first time I had even heard the word "stillborn." Even though she was a tool, my heart positively ached for her loss. Little did I ever know, I'd be going through the very same loss as she did.

While I was never "friends" with her (via PMs, emails, etc.), I do think about her every now and again, wondering how she is coping with her loss even THIS many years later. Such a flipping tragedy
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  #6  
December 21st, 2009, 10:26 PM
MeganMomof5's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I actually remember reading Carrie's story in the Dec DDC back in August, and I was devestated for her.

A couple years ago my neices best friend went into labor, full term and her baby was born, but never breathed on his own...I think that they tried for a long time to get him to breath, but he never did...I'm not sure if that's considered a stillbirth or not? I think he was alive during labor....I remember how horrible that was...We couldn't go to the funeral because we were leaving on vacation, but I went money and a card to them (to help with the funeral)...Also around 6 years ago or so my brothers ex girlfriend (Mother of his son) had another baby and he passed away from SIDs at around 2 months, and I just couldn't even imagine...I remember reading/hearing these story's and thinking that it would never happen to me...I will never think that way again...Oh and my SIL had a baby girl at around 5 months when I was pregnant with my 3rd daughter ( she was due not long after me)...They didn't tell us till after our daughter was born...I always felt un comfortable around her, esp since my daughter would of been the same age...I never talked about it with her because I never knew what to say...I remember when I had Allison, she sent me a bunch of girl clothes, I sometimes wonder if it was things that she had for her baby
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  #7  
December 21st, 2009, 10:31 PM
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In 2006 a month after having Raeden I met a lady named Rachel (yes Drake's mommy) who's son died at 5 days old. She became my best friend. Neither of us had any idea that just over a year later I too would suffer a NICU loss.

I tried my ****est without knowing what she was going through to help her. Then when Calypso died I realized she'd been put into my life because someone up there KNEW I would need her
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  #8  
December 22nd, 2009, 01:55 AM
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Location: Fort Saskatchewan, Alberta, Canada
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I had a couple ladies on my due date board for my DD that had losses... one was expected because of a previous diagnosis and the 2 others were stillbirths (one was at full term like me). I remember bawling my eyes out for each and every one of them at how unfair it was and looking at the pictures of their little ones so beautiful and peaceful. I never ever thought i would be joining their ranks... so sad... I have kept up with 2 of the ladies on there but ever since I lost my Kaelen, I've wondered what happened to the mama who was full term and lost her little man. I hope she got her rainbow baby.
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  #9  
December 22nd, 2009, 06:25 AM
Fluffy Baby's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I have told many people this. when I was preggo with Dominic, I used to read the stories on this board and cry for hours and hours. Looking back, I feel like I was unconciously preparing myself. I did alot of my mourning before he even died if that makes any sense. My husband used to ask me why I was doing that to myself while I was preggo, but he knows now. I also never did that with my other pregnancies.

No I never knew anybody IRL that had a stillborn.


Also, a girl in my DDC had a stillborn about a month and a half before I did.
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Last edited by Fluffy Baby; December 22nd, 2009 at 06:29 AM.
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  #10  
December 22nd, 2009, 06:58 AM
Aeterna's Avatar Super Speshil
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I was made aware of the reality of stillbirth in my first DDC with DD1. That was over 5 years ago. There were mid-late second trimester losses in my group. I think that is why my fear or worry never let up. I used my doppler a lot to calm my fears. Being on a fertility site and a place where losses seem to be very common it was hard to not be worried.

There has been at least two stillbirths in each of my DDCs over the years. I never did think it couldn't happen to me. It was always something I worried about in the back of my head.

The morning I discovered Duncan was gone I was buying last minute stuff for the homebirth. I happened to come across a story on another forum about a mama that lost her daughter to placental abruption during labor. I just bawled. My heart was so broken for her. Then I read a few more stories in the same forum (pregnancy/birth loss). There were several mamas that lost babies between Oct-Dec '08. After I was done reading some of the stories I thought to myself that I hadn't felt Duncan move. I'm not really sure why I said it to myself, but I said, "Watch the same thing will happen to me." And it did. After realizing I hadn't felt him move in a while I went to use my doppler and couldn't get heart tones. I knew pretty early on he was gone. It never took me longer than seconds to find his heart beat. Not usually not difficult towards the end of pregnancy. I was panicked inside, yet was calm on the outside. Probably a mechanism to protect myself from just falling apart.

There were three late term losses in one of my Dec '08 groups. Two (including mine) in another. A mama in one of my groups just lost her baby girl in labor to a hidden placental abruption. It freaking sucks.
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  #11  
December 22nd, 2009, 07:36 AM
NutMeg76's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I was on a pregnancy group on AOL when I was pregnant with Caroleigh. One of the mommas went in for her schedueld c-section and they didn't find the baby on the monitor when they hooked her up that morning. I was devastated and cried so much, how unfair to go in for the birth of your baby, her first son and leave the hospital with no baby, and she opted for a c-section so she was recovering from surgery too. Horrible.

Then a year or two later after we had become a toddler board, one of the ladies who I am still very good friends with was pregnant and had a late miscarriage. She went for her 20 week appt and there was no HB with the doppler, they think he had died at about 17 weeks. Again, I was so very sad. By that point I was already a member of JM, and I found my way to this board.

All through my pregnancy with Evangeline I would come and lurk, read your stories and think, 'I wonder if I am coming here for a reason.' I *knew that I would be a mommy of a saint. I thought it was going to be Evie, but she was just fine. Then I got pregnant again, so soon after she was born. And from teh beginning I knew something 'bad' was going to happen. When I went for my 12 week appt, they couldn't find the HB, but I have a tilted uterus and am overweight so I didn't worry. At 16 weeks they found him and then I had my US at 20 weeks and I felt better. Although, I was holding my breath until I saw him in there with a heartbeat and moving around. I made my husband come with me for my 24 week appt because I knew he was dead. And I was right. I just knew all along that this pregnancy would end in tragedy. I wish it had happened at 10 weeks, or 8 week, or right away. I know that no matter when a loss happens it is difficult, but I think for me it would have been easier if it had been earlier in the pregnancy.

I also had Jonah in my DDC this time around and already knew about Marshall. We also had a few other in our Sept 09 DDC that had prior losses.

I am not sure I will have another baby. I just don't know if I can go thruogh it again.
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  #12  
December 22nd, 2009, 09:47 AM
claire1979's Avatar mummy to a special angel
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no id not met anyone to even have a loss at all jessica was the 1st in our family
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  #13  
December 22nd, 2009, 09:57 AM
noworries
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When I was pregnant with Eva, I joined JM and a lady in my DDC lost her twins. I don't think she was quite 20 weeks yet so it technically wasn't a stillbirth but she was far enough along that she had to go through the birth and everything. Unfortunately she just lost another one to miscarriage recently. She is such an amazing girl and I just hope she gets to be a mommy the way that she wants to be so badly.
And then, a week before I lost Eli, another lady in my DDC (Laurie) lost her son Declan.
After I lost Eli I had several people that I had know for a few years tell me that they had gone through similar experiences. One lady had lost her baby girl at 6 months (the same time I lost Eli) and another lady gave birth to her son at 31 weeks and he died about 6 hours after being born. It has been about 25 years since the one lady lost her baby girl at 6 months and she still teared up telling me about it. Just goes to show that this will effect us for the rest of our lives.
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  #14  
December 22nd, 2009, 10:19 AM
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: New York
Posts: 1,760
Let me begin by saying that I was pretty ignorant when it came to stillbirths until it happened to me. There was a woman in our department about 4-5 years ago that was pregnant with twins. I didn't know her well but when she returned from maternity leave I found out from other people that she lost one of the twins. She left the company pretty soon after that. So I don't really know what happened and honestly I didn't really want to know what happened since I've always thought that the stillbirth happens to "other people". Then there was another lady who was pregnant with twins but only had one. I don't know if there was a reduction or a stillbirth. She's still here in my department, but we hardly speak, and I would be uncomfortable talking about it with her now. Also I was on another board for my daughter DDC, and we kept the board going for many years after our babies were born. After my daughter was born, I hardly posted anything anymore, mostly just reading other posts. The ladies from this board did many get togethers and bring their babies with them. Then one lady was pregnant for the second time and somewhere midway into her pregnancy had a stillbirth, and I didn't really follow what happened because again I didn't want to be upset as "the stillbirth happens to other people". I was so amazed at how much support other members of the board offered to her and I think a year or so later she had her 3rd baby healthy and alive. Every angelversary of her 2nd baby everyone on the board would release ballons for her baby. I just tried to stay away, but little did I know that it would happen to me.
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  #15  
December 22nd, 2009, 10:29 AM
MeganMomof5's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I actually lurked at this board a couple of times in my pregnancy, I don't know why....I also had a bad feeling about my pregnancy....In my previous pregnancy's I never worried, but this time I knew something was going to happen and I knew that I wasn't going to bring Ella home...I started to relax after my 19 week ultrasound because she looked healthy, so I started to shop, named her etc...After my surgery, I only ever felt her move a couple of times....I remember telling my doctor after he couldn't find her heartbeat threw my tears that I knew she was dead...I don't remember why I said that, I think that it was all subconscious because I didn't actually say to myself "she's dead"...I think that's why even though my doctor was over an hour late for my appointment that I stayed instead of going home and coming back another day...It's so strange that we just know things like that...I Too wish I would of lost her at 4-6 weeks when I was spotting...It's not that I didn't love her, because I did so much, but it would of been so much easier on me...I would of still been hurt, but I think it would of been easier for me to move on.
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  #16  
December 22nd, 2009, 01:30 PM
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My aunt and uncle's son and dh's aunt and uncle's son both died of SIDS but way before we were born so we weren't around then.

On the other board I visit TBW, the April before I got pregnant with Joey another mom had a stillbirth. She wrote this BEAUTIFUL birth story and you could feel her mixture of pure joy and deepest sadness. When I was delivering Joey she and her Hannah baby never left my mind, it was like they were guiding me. I wanted our Joey's birth to be just like hers and I knew I had to treasure every second with our son. I also saw pictures of her with her two older dd's (one only 3) with their baby sister before the funeral and I knew I needed ds1 to meet his little brother so we had him come to the hospital.

When I wrote out my birth story for Joey I did it with the purpose that maybe someone would read it not yet knowing they would one day be in the same situation and learn from it...take a piece with them....be the comfort that baby Hannah's story was to me.
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  #17  
December 22nd, 2009, 04:30 PM
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So many sad stories

Two of my Aunts had stillborn babies - one was a set of twins as well and my other Aunt's story always reminds me of Nat. Her and her husband had to go through all the fertility treatments and finally went through IVF with many rounds, and then finally got pregnant, only to then lose their little boy This was in the 80s and 90s though so I was too young to understand or ever put too much thought into it.

I know what you mean though, Helen....sometimes you hear these things and think, "that only happens to other people." I will never be that naive again, that's for sure. Unfortunately these things can and do happen to anyone
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  #18  
December 22nd, 2009, 06:03 PM
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Actually, I remember hearing about Natalie losing Devin on FF, and I went and read her blog, and my heart was broken in two. I was drawn to her story, and I didn't know why.

I also was in a multiples group with a lady, Kaycie, who had twins and lost one shortly after birth. I also felt very drawn to her.

When I found out Logan was gone and was laying in that hospital bed waiting to have the c/s to get the babies out, I thought about Kaycie and Natalie both, almost immediately. I didn't really *know* Natalie, so I didnt' contact her, but I did contact Kaycie a few days later because I felt like I was going crazy, didn't know what to do with myself on the inside. She became my biggest support in the aftermath of losing Logan. And I was so scared, I probably wouldn't have even HELD Logan (as horrible as that sounds) if I hadn't known that Kaycie had held Reagan and taken pictures of her and with her. I can remember STARING at Kaycies pics of her dead daughter Reagan in her siggy pics on FF and just being drawn into them. I believe I came across Natalies story and *met* Kaycie both for a reason, to prepare me. I remember reading Natalies account of the day she found out Devin was gone, and thinking "I couldnt' do that, I couldn't get through that. " We had tried almost 7 years, a long time like Natalie. Yet a few months later, there I was in a similar (although different in that I had my daughter) situation, with a stillborn baby boy and trying to take one breath and moment at a time, thinking back to when I'd prayed that would NEVER happen to me.
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  #19  
December 22nd, 2009, 07:24 PM
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Location: Fort Saskatchewan, Alberta, Canada
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Kaycie and I are in the same buddy group since all 3 of our girls were due at the same time. She has been great to me since I lost Kaelen and I definitely agree that she is a wonderful support person to have. I am so thankful to have had her in the first few weeks after I lost Kaelen because I didn't know there were forums like this out there and she was a sounding board for me.
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  #20  
December 22nd, 2009, 09:52 PM
lilflower
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sweet Angel Katrina View Post
^ that's really nice of you to volunteer at a grief group of others going through losses. People need to know they're not alone.
That's why I do it. I was completely alone. It took me 4 months to find a support forum or group. All I had was my family and my thoughts. I was miserable. The hospital was amazing though. I got to keep Noah in the room with me until I left and arranged for him to be cremated. I received a blue blanket and hat and a birth card and his footprints. My nurse sat with me after I had my son and cried with me after her shift ended. I only volunteer there so people don't have to be alone. The chaplin here (and I'm not religious) has a handful of my "personal" cards with my cell phone number and I usually have about 2 or 3 phone calls a week from various women who just need someone to talk to that has been there.

It breaks my heart everytime the phone shows a number that isn't familiar.
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