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Forum: Stillbirth

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  #1  
January 10th, 2010, 02:59 PM
CrystalAnne's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I posted in the hideaway at my DDC about this, and the girls there suggested I come and post here. I'll just copy and paste what I wrote there.


A couple years before my 5 and a half year old daughter was born I had a stillborn baby boy, Aidan. When I was pregnant with my daughter, Gracie, I didn't prepare myself mentally or emotionally for parenthood at all. I was so sure she was going to be stillborn as well. I really didn't START to prepare myself for her until she was sitting on my chest indignant and screaming to anybody that would listen about her displeasure at the change in environment! She was so cute and angry! lol

With this pregnancy I have had a lot of mixed emotions. I know my body is capable of supporting a pregnancy but I'm still terrified that I'm going to wake up in a puddle of blood and know that my boy is gone. Reading about Starry (placental abruption, baby born sleeping yesterday) and her horrible tragedy with her little boy triggered a lot of fear today. I've had bad feelings all week, nightmares about losing Jacob, too. . .I just can't seem to shake the weird feeling that something is going to go wrong.

I know it's a personal question but have any of you ladies experienced loss, and had this sort of irrational fear/premonition? I feel like I'm being paranoid but at the same time I'm wondering why . . .wondering if maybe this is some way to prepare me for what might happen. . .I sound like a mental patient! lol. I don't know what I would do if I lost Jacob. Even now he is all wiggly and active. . .but I'm still so scared
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  #2  
January 10th, 2010, 03:46 PM
MeganMomof5's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Well I can't really answer your question, but I think once you have a loss like that you never stop being worried till you have your baby in your arms, and i'm sure even then the worry is never truely gone.
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  #3  
January 10th, 2010, 04:13 PM
CrystalAnne's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I kindof figured the fear would never go away. But it's sortof grown into this paranoia that's driving me absolutely crazy. All I can do is leave it in God's hands, whine on the boards when I have to, lol, and hope for the best. One of the worst things about losing Aidan at 26 weeks was not being allowed to see him or say goodbye. It was a really horrible situation and I'm so grateful that medical personnel have come around and allow mommies the time to grieve and hold their little ones. I would give everything I have to be able to look at little Aidan's face and know what he looked like, to have some sort of SOMETHING that proves he was here at all.
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  #4  
January 10th, 2010, 05:19 PM
NutMeg76's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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(((hugs)))
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  #5  
January 10th, 2010, 07:20 PM
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I lost my first born, Katrina, back in August 2008. My husband and I are now pregnant again and due this coming March! It's a very difficult road being pregnant again (as you know), but I have tried my absolute hardest to stay positive this entire pregnancy. When I was pregnant with Katrina, I always had horrible gut feelings that we wouldn't be bringing her home - and unfortunately it came true. To me it did almost feel like a premonition or something creepy like that.

With this pregnancy, I do have a much better feeling that we will be bringing her home, safely and alive, but there are always, always those worrisome thoughts looming over me. I think it's just natural to feel this way and think of all those horrible "what ifs".

And I agree, after seeing so many new members and hearing all the things that could go wrong, it really gets you more worked up, thinking that you're doomed for it to happen in a different way or something. It just really is very terrifying and until our baby is born and healthy and alive, the feelings won't subside. And even then, after they're born, it'll still be very worrisome.

And I'm sorry you never got to hold or see your precious Aidan.
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  #6  
January 10th, 2010, 09:04 PM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
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I lost Cora May of 2006 and have since had Erin (June 2007) and Patrick (February 2009). I found myself MORE paranoid at the end with Patrick. It was strange to me that it would be worse with my SECOND subsequent baby, but I was fairly numb through my pregnancy with Erin, not allowing myself to think past the next day.

With Patrick, instead of inducing at 38 weeks (lost Cora 38w1d), I decided to see if I could go into labor on my own. I had nightmares of losing him every night from 38w to 39w2d, and the stress was reflecting on my body, so we induced.

It makes a lot of sense that Starry's loss would resurrect all of those old feelings. Do what you can to be proactive, doing kick counts and such, and do NOT feel bad about calling your doctor for any concern, and then breathe deep.

Good luck honey. I'm so sorry about your Aidan.
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  #7  
January 10th, 2010, 09:10 PM
liz bevan's Avatar Super Mommy
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I know that when i was pregnant the second time, and had a bad feeling.
I ended up having a empty sac - which means the baby died early on.
It is good to trust yourself and check with your doctor if you are unsure of things.
I hope things turn out for you
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  #8  
January 10th, 2010, 11:09 PM
claire1979's Avatar mummy to a special angel
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i was paranoid and scared and everything else u are feeling when pregnant with my daughter i was deffinatly a mental patient hun
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