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What would you tell the doctors and nurses?


Forum: Stillbirth

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  #1  
January 13th, 2010, 11:00 AM
Delekatala's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I am speaking at the bereavement committee meeting at the hospital. I am trying to prepare some notes for myself, but it figures when you need to think of this stuff you go blank you know. SO I wanted some feedback. What are important things you would mention.
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  #2  
January 13th, 2010, 11:24 AM
NutMeg76's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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The oldie but goodie, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all" Sometimes nurses can be callous, and they make comments that are pretty rude.
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  #3  
January 13th, 2010, 11:56 AM
MeganMomof5's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I agree with that one too, like the nurse that told me "there's been a lot of fetal demise's lately" while I was being induced....Another thing, not sure if this is the kind of thing you want....When I was spending my last moments with my baby, saying my good byes, housekeeping came in and started cleaning my room....That was 15 minutes that I lost with her...They were pretty good about it in the rest of my hospital stay, but that was the most important moment that I won't ever get back.
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  #4  
January 13th, 2010, 01:42 PM
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I luckily had great nurses and an amazing doctor, do first and foremost I would tell them "thank you".
I guess tell them that while they might deal with horror like this on a regular basis, we do not so please don't treat it like it's just another dead/dying baby because it's not. That was our child.
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  #5  
January 13th, 2010, 03:32 PM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
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For me, I think they need to be very careful to respect that anything outside the grief OUTSIDE. Hearing nurse's lighthearded chatter/laughter can be really hard when your world is falling apart.

Also, just because a baby is stillborn doesn't mean that they don't deserve everything a living baby would get. Most hospitals already do this, but I just had to point that out.

On the website "my OB said what?" there's a mention of a nurse telling the parents of a baby born sleeping (while dressing the baby) "I'm used to dressing the ones that wriggle." They need to THINK about how it sounds to those parents.
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  #6  
January 13th, 2010, 04:08 PM
grlpisces's Avatar Dynamite w/ a laser beam
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Brittanie View Post
For me, I think they need to be very careful to respect that anything outside the grief OUTSIDE. Hearing nurse's lighthearded chatter/laughter can be really hard when your world is falling apart.
This is the very first thing that came to my mind that I was going to post, and I'm glad Brittanie mentioned this. I need to share my example ...

When I lost Noah, the nurse who was caring for me at the moment asked me if they could put an angel on my door. That was standard for mothers who lost their babies and it served as a warning to all the staff that a mom who lost a baby was in that L&D room (mind you, I was in L&D my entire stay; they never moved me to recovery after they delivered Noah and Julia and they obviously never moved me to post-partum either).

Every nurse / staff member that came in to care for me from that point forward kindly offered their condolences and told me if there was anything I needed to just say so. Except for one nurse. She talked non-stop. I mean non-farking-stop, and it was about schitt that I had absolute ZERO interest in. I can't even tell you what she was talking about is how little I was paying attention to her. I do remember she kept mentioning that she wanted us to keep in touch because we lived in nearby neighborhoods.

It was the hardest thing to bite my tongue and play the part of the good patient when what I really wanted to do was tell her to shut her piehole.
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  #7  
January 13th, 2010, 04:17 PM
hannah79's Avatar A little bit wicked
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I hope you don't mind if I post something here. My son was not stillborn, but he did die 13 hours after he was born.

Most of the staff was very kind to us. However some went out of there way to say they couldn't know what we were feeling because they had never experienced it. I understand what they were getting at, but it made me feel more alone and isolated. I realize they couldn't say, "I know how you feel" or any variation, but it just made me feel worse. I don't know if that makes any sense, but it was the one of the things that really bothered me.
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  #8  
January 13th, 2010, 06:58 PM
rebeccabaltimore and more's Avatar (rebeccabaltimore)
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I had the same experience as Barb. I had a newbie nurse pour out her life story to my in-laws (I was finally asleep) just an hour after they said goodbye to their first grandson. NOT appropriate.

I would suggest that newbie nurses be accompanied by more experienced nurses a bit until they get the hang of it.
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  #9  
January 13th, 2010, 07:20 PM
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One thing that made it better for me was that the nurses I had called Kaelen by his name. They made a point of saying his name when they were talking about him instead of just calling him "the baby" and it was comforting to know that they remembered he was a baby, my baby boy and not something strange and foreign.
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  #10  
January 13th, 2010, 07:51 PM
littlebeansmommy's Avatar Super Mommy
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Just because I'm grieving doesn't mean that I don't need my own space. I had one of my nurses sitting in the room with my DH and I for the majority of the time she was on the shift. When we wanted to be alone with our emotions, she was there doing paperwork. Ugh. It was so frustrating.

Also to understand that certain things can set off emotions and tears and to be gentle with our hearts as well as our bodies. I remember screaming and crying after the nurse (the same one as above) would try and check how far dilated I was. It was not something I wanted done, I wanted to still be carrying a living baby, and she was quite rough when she did it. On top of the painful emotions and being in an induced labor, I then had to deal with that.

My other nurse was wonderful when she came back on in the morning. She was so loving with DS and we really appreciated that.
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  #11  
January 13th, 2010, 08:17 PM
grlpisces's Avatar Dynamite w/ a laser beam
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You know ... all of this could prompt us to put together an 'Angel Mommies Bill of Rights' and send it to our hospital antenatal, L&D, and postpartum units. It saddens me to think how so many of us were treated with such disrespect, even unintentional
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  #12  
January 13th, 2010, 09:07 PM
rebeccabaltimore and more's Avatar (rebeccabaltimore)
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Another point - we remember the awesome nurses FOREVER.
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  #13  
January 13th, 2010, 09:18 PM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
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That's so true Rebecca. Unfortunately I can't remember my nurse's name. I really wish I could. I had one great one that stayed with me the whole day, and then two others that switched shifts or something. The one that stayed with me was so great.

She told me that it was okay to feel any emotion I was feeling. When I was angry and felt bad for being angry, she told me it was okay to be, and that I had every right to be angry. I needed that validation.


Oooooh, also, it would be good for the hospital staff to know about people like Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, and ask if the parents know about them and maybe even offer to contact someone. I had no clue they existed and wished my hospital staff could have told us (or even my OB staff the day before for that matter). And have contact numbers for support groups and such things.
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  #14  
January 15th, 2010, 06:09 AM
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My Hospital did a memorial box for me. I have Codys blanket, bracelet, pictures, and onsie in there. The nurses took care of everything. When I got home and we opened the box, there was a personal note from the nurse that spent the most time with us. She was young (early 20's) and her personal note means so much to me. The fact that she took the time to handwrite it also means a lot.

I can't say enough about my doctors, the nursing staff and the hospital.

One negative.... when I went back to my OB for my 2 week check, we had to sit in the waiting room for awhile with all of the expecting parents... I sat there and cried. It was awful.
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  #15  
January 15th, 2010, 08:05 AM
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Most of my nurse were really good. They encouraged me to get out of bed - it took me about three days before i could walk because of the really bad swelling I had. They didn't say anything about visiting hours either - my dh and dm and s stayed with me the whole time. The nurses came in and checked on us every so often.

The only thing i miss is the memory boxes - some of the hospitals give those to parents who have experienced a loss.
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  #16  
January 15th, 2010, 02:42 PM
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My hospital and nurses were great - they took pictures and we also got a memory box with the hand made blankets and the outfits they wore along with their bracelets - also a beautiful poem with their feet prints on it along with their weight and time they were born, we also got a chance to baptize them - while it was happening i did not realize what was going on but now 11 days later i am so grateful they did all that for us so i would have these precious items now.
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  #17  
January 15th, 2010, 07:46 PM
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Lurking but delivered in a hospital.

Just because a birth isn't 20 wks and considered a still birth they still need to respect the parents. I had the best dr when I went in for induction at 17 wks(Bethany and Brittany died at 16 wks) but the nurses were so rude because "it's just a miscarriage it's not like you were 28 wks, no matter what they couldn't of been saved". Respect the parents....
The would put butterflies on the door where a baby was lost but if you were below 20 wks you didn't and they came in and got the "bassinet" out of my room for a new set of twins that were born the same day I delivered my twins.
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  #18  
January 21st, 2010, 03:43 PM
Delekatala's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I appreciate everyone's help. I am going in tomorrow I ope it goes well. I will be finishing my pamphlet tonight. I will try to post it so you guys can see. Also its a work in progress, it is not to late to contribute if you think of anything.
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  #19  
January 21st, 2010, 03:57 PM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
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Did you read all the posts that got deleted before they got deleted? eta: nevermind, maybe this thread didn't get posted in that day!
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