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From the time I was a teenager I expected to miscarry at least once. Actually, my first pregnancy. I was quite surprised when that didn't happen. (though, granted, I DID lose her)
There have been a lot of miscarriages in my family, even if you just count my mother and my 4 biological aunts. And statistically speaking, any woman who has more than 3 pregnancies can expect to miscarry at least once.
And I've never miscarried. I know full well that Cora's death was pure freakish accident and so doesn't count in such things. I've had three full term pregnancies. And Cora's death doesn't somehow make me "immune" either (which is painfully and horribly obvious here).
Lately I've been contemplating my next pregnancy, since I want at least 2 more children. I'm not baby hungry, like I was when Erin was the age Patrick is now. I'm not excited at the prospect of being pregnant again.
No, actually when I think about being pregnant again I get incredibly anxious. I pinpointed it last night. I think the next time I get pregnant I will miscarry. Like a premonition or foreboding feeling.
And I'm almost wigging out about it. I dreamed last night that I discovered I was pregnant BECAUSE I miscarried. I'm not even planning on TTC for another year or so and I'm on birth control right now, WHY is this suddenly coming up? I don't know but I don't like it.
I don't believe in premonitions. Besides the fact that there are simply no neurological structures capable of sensing the future, I just don't think the universe makes that much sense.
I have degrees in anthropology and psychology, and one thing I studied extensively is the human ability to see patterns - even when there aren't any. We are designed to see patterns, to creates links, we are DRIVEN to make connections like that, even when there are no connections to be made. It's just human nature. Premonition/psychic powers are not something humans possess. From a religious standpoint, only prophets get that kind of power. The rest of us are all just drying to make sense of things. And the more devastating the life event, the more we desperately we try to make sense of it. And that sense of foreboding we have? It's neurobiology run out of control - your amygdala doing TOO good of a job creating emotions.
And making sense of things is what I try to do too, late at night when I'm alone with my thoughts and desperately missing Ethan. I worry that this baby i sdoomed too. In fact, my biggest worry is that if I DON'T worry enough, something bad will happen. But at the end of the day that's really not possible. It's just what my brain does to make it seem like I can control what is going to happen.
I don't know if any of that is helpful, but anyway.
I'm very much a believer of gut instinct...I never worried in my other pregnancy's, I knew everything was going to be alright, even with my pre-eclampsia, bedrest etc...Right when I found out I was pregnant with Ella, I knew it wouldn't end well...I think even when I got into the 2nd trimester, even at my 19 week ultrasound, it just didn't seem right, I knew something was wrong, but I ignored it...I'm following my gut instinct on TTC again, holding off cancer treatment etc...It's something I thought long and hard about and it's just what I feel is the right thing to do...I just have a feeling that everything is going to be alright...I'm not saying that it's going to do that way, but I do think people can sense things....Sorry if I don't make any sense, i'm really tired and about to go to bed lol
Maybe it's because you know of the statistics you mentioned and because you'd be going onto your 4th pregnancy, it seems like to you that's what would come true? I dunno....
But I completely see where you're coming from. It's like when I was pregnant with Katrina, I always just had this instinct (mother's instinct) that we wouldn't be bringing her home with us. Like Megan said, I too tried to ignore those feelings and *tried* convincing myself that everything would be alright, but I always had that bad feeling deep down.