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The difference between men and women


Forum: Stillbirth

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  #1  
January 25th, 2010, 05:34 PM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Littleton, CO
Posts: 43,573
The other day I was telling Matt about that kick-counting fiasco. And then I mentioned how guilty I still felt, that I had the opportunity to go to the hospital while she was still alive but didn't take it, how her death could have been prevented. How that guilt eats at me, though I can ignore it most times. Truth is, her death could have been prevented and I was too ignorant at the time to do what I needed to.

His response was "I don't think about it all that often. What good would it do, we can't change it."


Sometimes I wish I could think like a man. I wish I had that ability to "turn off" what I can't fix. I know he was devastated too. I know that he loves her and misses her. He can just turn it off.


For me it's like white noise in the background, this grief. Most of the time it only catches my attention when the rest of the world quiets down enough. Sometimes my ear catches it and I can't stop listening to it. It's always there though. I can close my eyes and see her here, with her siblings, playing and laughing. Bossing them around. Bringing me a comb to do up her beautiful red curls. These images skirt my peripheral vision, and I can't ever catch them in focus. Sometimes my mind catches a window into that alternate reality though. What life should have been. And I have to hold in the grief, the anger, the self-loathing, until I'm alone and let it spill out in my tears.






"First, please know that grief is the natural by-product of love. One cannot selflessly love another person and not grieve at his suffering or eventual death. The only way to avoid the grief would be to not experience the love; and it is love that gives life its richness and meaning. Hence, what a grieving parent can expect to receive from the Lord in response to earnest supplication may not necessarily be an elimination of grief so much as a sweet reassurance that, whatever his or her circumstances, one’s child is in the tender care of a loving Heavenly Father."
~Lance B. Wickman
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  #2  
January 25th, 2010, 05:49 PM
Super Mommy
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: CT
Posts: 982
Brit that quote is absolutely beautiful. Definitely the gist of the message we got from our priest when Joey died. Just to seek peace in the comfort that our babies are with God.

I know what you mean...women carry so much emotional baggage...its not fair sometimes.
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Kathryn
Married to my best friend Tom since 2004 (together since 1999)
Mommy to two little boys:
Jamie ~ 7-12-04 ~ fun, crazy, transformer loving tough-guy mama's boy
and
Joey ~ 4-4-09 ~ born sleeping ~ held under my heart for 40wk1d, in my arms for just 6 short hours but he will be in my heart forever
And finally holding my little girl,Felicity Rose, Born into Daddy's loving hands on June 9, 2010

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  #3  
January 25th, 2010, 08:23 PM
rebeccabaltimore and more's Avatar (rebeccabaltimore)
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 1,842
In psychology, we call it "compartmentalization". For complex reasons, men are better able to separate off various aspects of their lives, like cubicles in an office. It has its advantages, but it has it's disadvantages too - the cubicle walls don't stay up 100% of the time, and when they come down, men become nonfunctional until they go back up again. Whereas women are not as good at compartmentalizing, but we seem to have a better ability at functioning through the emotional event (grief, etc.).

It's not true for absolutely every man or woman, and there are a range of abilities. It just helps me to know that while Dan has a good system, it has its own disadvantages.
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  #4  
January 25th, 2010, 11:04 PM
claire1979's Avatar mummy to a special angel
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i have often thought about how lee grieves, often when hes had a drink he opebns up abnd lets it all out, but only after a drink see
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  #5  
January 26th, 2010, 07:30 AM
Mom 2 Avery's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Location: Houston, TX
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I've never been so thankful for my extra testosterone than with this post!!!
I determined years ago that my grief wouldn't change anything about losing Avery, so I just make the most of what little time we had. When ppl ask if I miss her, I do say that it won't make a difference...

I do miss her...I just rejoice the fact that she ever was!!!
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  #6  
January 27th, 2010, 09:19 PM
AliciaF's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Southern Cali
Posts: 2,517
For me it's like white noise in the background, this grief. Most of the time it only catches my attention when the rest of the world quiets down enough. Sometimes my ear catches it and I can't stop listening to it. It's always there though. I can close my eyes and see her here, with her siblings, playing and laughing. Bossing them around. Bringing me a comb to do up her beautiful red curls. These images skirt my peripheral vision, and I can't ever catch them in focus. Sometimes my mind catches a window into that alternate reality though. What life should have been. And I have to hold in the grief, the anger, the self-loathing, until I'm alone and let it spill out in my tears.

This is an excellent way of describing every day life.
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