Log In Sign Up

I lost my daughter yesterday


Forum: Stillbirth

Notices

Welcome to the JustMommies Message Boards.

We pride ourselves on having the friendliest and most welcoming forums for moms and moms to be! Please take a moment and register for free so you can be a part of our growing community of mothers. If you have any problems registering please drop an email to boards@justmommies.com.

Our community is moderated by our moderation team so you won't see spam or offensive messages posted on our forums. Each of our message boards is hosted by JustMommies hosts, whose names are listed at the top each board. We hope you find our message boards friendly, helpful, and fun to be on!

Reply Post New Topic
  Subscribe To Stillbirth LinkBack Topic Tools Search this Topic Display Modes
  #1  
February 6th, 2010, 12:58 PM
SoonToBe3's Avatar Making room for #3!
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: CA
Posts: 253
This may be long, please bear with me.
I was expecting my 3rd baby July 30th. A while ago, I slipped on the ice with my daughter landing in my belly. I had an ultrasound due to cramping and minimal spotting, her heart rate was down and I had polyhydramnios. I ended up with a detailed ultrasound that showed a mass on babys bum area. I started to see a HR OB, just this week actually. My HR OB did an ultrasound at my last appt on the 3rd, and said he believed she had a sacrococcygeal teratoma. He said something about congenital heart defects, but my mind wasnt clear. I was awaiting a phone call with an appt date to go down south for a 4D ultrasound.

On the 4th, I was feeling crampy, it fet like contractions. Later on that night, my pants and underwear were wet. With my last 2 kids, I had contractions and was leaking amnio fluid, so I went to the hospital, alone, my husband watched the kids who were already in bed by that time. The ER dr checked me. My water had broke and I was 3cm dilated. He told me there was nothing he could do. It felt like a normal labor. Painful, but heart wrenching more then anything. Her heart kept dropping to 0 and would only jump up to 68bpm. He said she was in fetal distress, that she probably just couldnt handle it. Alivia Hope was "born" at 3:17am yesterday morning at exactly 15 weeks. Now I know this is considered a late miscarriage, but I got to see her, to hold her. A 3.93 inch little girl who will not get any type of memorial service or anything that she deserves because she wasnt 20 weeks. I feel like this was much more then just a miscarriage. Much more. I held her tiny body, cried and said my goodbyes. And thats all I get. No service for her, no cremation, nothing at all. Like it never happened or just wasnt important. My heart is hearting so much right now. The fact that I had to leave her there. I dont care how small she was, what week of pregnancy it was, she was still my daughter, my miracle...my angel.

I hope it is okay for me to be here. Thank you for reading if you have read this far. Its hard to talk about it, but I know it helps.
__________________

Reply With Quote
  #2  
February 6th, 2010, 01:24 PM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Littleton, CO
Posts: 43,573
I'm so sorry. All in all, we don't really care so much about the medical distinction between miscarriage and stillbirth, and there are others here whose babies were born before that "magic" 20 week mark. If you feel like you belong here, then I can accept that. You labored, and delivered, that counts. Your sweet baby girl was and is important.

I'm so very very sorry.
__________________
Thanks to babydoll213 for the siggy! My kids' blog Cora's blog


Reply With Quote
  #3  
February 6th, 2010, 01:31 PM
heathernoel's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Maitland, Florida
Posts: 9,385
I'm glad you came to us. I agree. Numbers don't matter. You have a daughter. You labored, you held, you cried. You are here.

I'm so sorry they won't let you cremate her That's really upsetting!

I'm just so sorry, hon!
Reply With Quote
  #4  
February 6th, 2010, 01:38 PM
SoonToBe3's Avatar Making room for #3!
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: CA
Posts: 253
Thank you. I dont really know if I belong here, but to me, Ive had miscarriages before. 9 of them to be exact. Between 3 weeks and 8 weeks and never once have I went through anything like this, not once did I need a D&C or anything. It was natural, wait to miscarry. This time, I got to hold my baby girl. It doesnt feel right to me to call this a miscarriage. To see her, the ears that had yet to pop off her head, the eyes that were still dark spots... I see her now, in everything. I remember every detail of her. A miscarriage to me, of course still scars emotionally, but you dont see the baby. Thats my opinion. This was more then that. I dont want to sound like Im down grading a miscarriage, they hurt too! But to actually hold your baby, its just different to me. I know I went through a lot with my miscarriages. Depression to the point of having the curtains closed and not leaving the house even to grocery shop. This feels worse. Im glad I have somewhere I can vent though, with people who understand.
__________________

Reply With Quote
  #5  
February 6th, 2010, 01:56 PM
heathernoel's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Maitland, Florida
Posts: 9,385
We completely get it, hon. Miscarriages are painful, hurtful too. But this IS different. The hospital won't release her to you? That's just cruel!
__________________
my thanks to Claire1979 for the awesome siggy!!
Reply With Quote
  #6  
February 6th, 2010, 02:04 PM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Littleton, CO
Posts: 43,573
It breaks my heart that they won't let you take her. Maybe you can have some sort of family memorial, just to give yourself that closure you need.
__________________
Thanks to babydoll213 for the siggy! My kids' blog Cora's blog


Reply With Quote
  #7  
February 6th, 2010, 02:05 PM
Mom 2 Avery's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 1,611
Send a message via MSN to Mom 2 Avery Send a message via Yahoo to Mom 2 Avery
You are welcomed here with open arms!
I'm sorry little Alivia came too early...but she always matters!!!!

Hugs to you!
Dawna
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #8  
February 6th, 2010, 03:01 PM
MeganMomof5's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 11,772
I'm really sorry to hear about the loss of your baby girl

Is there a reason why they wouldn't let you have her creamated or burried? It just doesn't seem right if a parent wants to do that for their child, that they shouldn't be able to once again i'm sorry. (((Hugs)))
__________________
Forever Missing My Baby Girl Ella Grace
Born Sleeping October 14, 2009















Reply With Quote
  #9  
February 6th, 2010, 03:08 PM
rebeccabaltimore and more's Avatar (rebeccabaltimore)
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 1,842
Hi, I know you from the High Risk board but I am also a member here. I am so, so sorry for your loss of Alivia. When I met you on the HR board your story really touched me. My first son, Ethan, also received a poor prenatal diagnosis, and his too was partially amniotic fluid related (he had no fluid). I lost him at 18 weeks. I labored, he was born, I held him, so despite the standard classification my doctors called it a stillbirth. He would have been 1 this coming Wednesday.

I wish you didn't have to be here, but this board and the ladies on it have been a godsend in my recovery from Ethan's loss. I miss him everyday, but his absence is no longer unbearable. Grief never goes away, but one day you will wake up and find that you don't mind carrying it with you. I treasure those few hours I spent with my son. If you ever need anything, please don't hesitate to PM me, my heart really goes out to you.

__________________



Thank you Vicki for my awesome siggy!!


Reply With Quote
  #10  
February 6th, 2010, 03:14 PM
lunarmagic's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: MA
Posts: 4,037
I am so very sorry for your loss. Miscarriage certainly hurts a lot, but I agree, laboring and holding your tiny child is a lot different than an early miscarriage. If you feel at home here, then please stay.

It's terrible that they won't let you cremate her. Can you have your own memorial service? The one we held for my son was at my house, we planted a tree in our yard. It was a very healing experience. Even if you can't have the traditional type of burial, perhaps something like that would be good for you?
__________________



2 IVF babies and 1 surprise!
~*~ My Blog ~*~
Reply With Quote
  #11  
February 6th, 2010, 03:48 PM
lilflower
Guest
Posts: n/a
I am so sorry for your loss.
Reply With Quote
  #12  
February 6th, 2010, 05:23 PM
liz bevan's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Edmonton, AB
Posts: 998
Send a message via AIM to liz bevan Send a message via MSN to liz bevan
I am so sorry for your loss.
My heart goes out to you.
__________________

Thank you so much for the awesome siggie Claire
Our joys will be greater
Our love will be deeper
Our lives will be fuller
Because we shared your moment
Reply With Quote
  #13  
February 6th, 2010, 06:21 PM
Proud Momma
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 3,781
I'm so sorry you have to join us here

Many to you.

Last edited by LaLaLa1; February 6th, 2010 at 06:24 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #14  
February 6th, 2010, 08:08 PM
lex1078's Avatar Waiting patiently....
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 6,834
You are more than welcome to be here. I'm so sorry for your loss. Maybe, like Brittanie said, having a service or something for Alivia will help give you some closure. I don't understand why they won't let you do that?
__________________

Reply With Quote
  #15  
February 6th, 2010, 10:07 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: New York
Posts: 1,760
I'm sorry for your loss.
__________________
Helen







Reply With Quote
  #16  
February 7th, 2010, 01:45 AM
claire1979's Avatar mummy to a special angel
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: huddersfield, england
Posts: 33,629
Send a message via MSN to claire1979
awww im so sorry you have to join us here, im sorry for the loss of your daughter

__________________




Reply With Quote
  #17  
February 7th, 2010, 07:13 AM
Aeterna's Avatar Super Speshil
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: the edge of reason
Posts: 1,709
I'm so sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you. (((hugs)))
__________________
Aeon, mama to Grace, 12/04; Evangeline, 11/06; Duncan, 11/08 ; and Henry, 12/09. Ruby Matilda Rose due 12/1/14.




Reply With Quote
  #18  
February 7th, 2010, 08:41 AM
rebeccabaltimore and more's Avatar (rebeccabaltimore)
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 1,842
Would it be okay if I let the other High Risk board members know about your loss? I think they would appreciate the opportunity to offer their condolences.
__________________



Thank you Vicki for my awesome siggy!!


Reply With Quote
  #19  
February 7th, 2010, 09:38 AM
Super Mommy
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: CT
Posts: 982
We welcome anyone who wants to be here either to give or receive support. So sorry you need to be here though....
__________________
Kathryn
Married to my best friend Tom since 2004 (together since 1999)
Mommy to two little boys:
Jamie ~ 7-12-04 ~ fun, crazy, transformer loving tough-guy mama's boy
and
Joey ~ 4-4-09 ~ born sleeping ~ held under my heart for 40wk1d, in my arms for just 6 short hours but he will be in my heart forever
And finally holding my little girl,Felicity Rose, Born into Daddy's loving hands on June 9, 2010

Reply With Quote
  #20  
February 7th, 2010, 11:29 AM
SoonToBe3's Avatar Making room for #3!
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: CA
Posts: 253
Thanks ladies, so much. after I posted yesterday, I gave my uncle a call anyway and asked him to talk to the hospital. Maybe see if they would release Alivia to him because of the line of work hes in. I couldve misunderstood the ER dr too. I know they wanted to do a few tests, perhaps he meant I just couldnt bring her home until the tests were done? I havent heard back from my uncle yet, hopefully soon. I know if I do get her back, my uncle can cremate her for me. The thought of having her in a memory box, just a box in general or an urn saddens me though. Regardless, I do want her here with me, and I will try whatever I have to to make that possible.

Im going to head over to the righ risk board Rebecca, I will let everyone know.
Thank you so much for sharing your experience.
__________________

Reply With Quote
Reply

Topic Tools Search this Topic
Search this Topic:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 11:48 PM.



Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Optimization by vBSEO 3.6.0