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My Update- LONG AND EMOTIONAL (X-POST LONG)- PREG MENTIONED


Forum: Stillbirth

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  #1  
June 24th, 2010, 12:44 PM
HopefulMommy81's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Hi ladies,
Well, as Liz was nice enough to post last night for me, we had our second opinion and the doctors were amazing but definetly didn't give us any good news at all. The doctor at UCSF (Head of Perinatology btw) thinks that I actually ruptured my membranes back at 17 weeks and the test they performed then wasn't accurate that early....so why the heck they did it I have no idea. Just on a side note, with my Spina Bifida, I self-catherize myself to urinate so sometimes I have leaking which got worse with the hormones of pregnancy so really I wouldn't know if something was amniotic fluid or not. Apparently my scan last week I had NO amniotic fluid at all- even though I was never told that it's in the report. Yesterday, there again is no fluid at all and the baby's stomach is empty which means the baby hasn't gotten any fluid in quite a while. The kidneys and bladder of the baby are fine, but the lungs continue to have a bad shape which indicates very poor lung development (or according to this doctor the baby most likely like 99% chance, doesn't have any mature lung tissue). Also, because the baby hasn't swallowed any fluid for a long time, s/he probably has gut problems/damage as well and because there's no fluid surrounding the baby the joints would be bad as well. So overall, the baby isn't at all healthy- I know everything could be managed (i.e. gut ad joints) but the lungs can't be fixed. Even if I were to somehow have fluid there today, it's basically too late because lung development happens between 16 and 23 weeks and I'm over the 22 mark and the rupture must have happened between 16/4 and 17/5. So yeah, no good news came out of the appt except that the doctor was really amazingly nice and comforting and answered all the questions I could come up with (DH didnt' ask anything- I think it was too much to take in).
What happens now? Well, there is a test called the dye test that can tell for sure if I've ruptured- the put a needle into the amniotic sac and inject some blue fluid and then immediately put a tampon in and after 30-45 minutes if the tampon is blue when it's taken out, then you know it's ruptured. The course of action won't change really, but at least then I'd know. And being a nurse, I need to know the reason this is happening, you know? My choices are to wait to go into labor (in which case the baby might not make it even through labor because it would be too stressful), have a D&E before 24 weeks, or be induced. We have a lot of thinking to do. The problem with waiting it out is 1) it will be incredibly emotionally hard on us to continue to be pregnant but know the baby won't make it and 2) I'm at such a high risk for infection at this point and apparently a lot of times the infection isn't caught for a while and then it can actually affect our future chances of being pregnant again. However, I'm a good Catholic girl with specific morals so I don't know what we're going to do- I hate the thought of not giving Pumpkin a chance even though the experts tell me there isn't a chance to begin with, but I can't imagine not ever being able to have a healthy baby.
Well, if you've made it through this whole post, congrats to you! I want to thank all of you for your continued support, well wishes, and prayers for all of us.
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Annalise is hoping to be a big sister on June 28, 2014. Forever missing her big brother, Matthew, stillborn on July 1, 2010.
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  #2  
June 24th, 2010, 12:55 PM
MeganMomof5's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I already replied in the TTC board...i'm glad you came over here and we are here to support you in any way you need (((Hugs)))...Once again, i'm so very sorry
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  #3  
June 24th, 2010, 01:18 PM
hannah79's Avatar A little bit wicked
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Your situation sounds eerily similar to my own. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
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  #4  
June 24th, 2010, 01:25 PM
claire1979's Avatar mummy to a special angel
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awww hun im so sorry , i will continue to think of you at this difficult time. decision, i wish there was something i could say/do to help.

many many hugs to you and your special baby x
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  #5  
June 24th, 2010, 01:27 PM
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I am so sorry. I so wish you had better news.
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  #6  
June 24th, 2010, 01:37 PM
heathernoel's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Hey I'm so sorry about everything. Really sorry

I am a good Catholic girl too, or I try to be. When we were told that Jonah was anencephalic and his prognosis was not just fatal but I COULD be in danger, I went to church. My priests and deacon, for whom our first stillborn son is named, counseled me. When I went to the hospital to deliver (induced), the chaplain, a Catholic priest, again counseled me. See, I've had two previous abortions I knew I was forgiven, but I couldn't forgive myself and accept Christ's mercy. But our son's heart rate was slowing, and he was suffering.

We induced labor. He was delivered still, and was baptized.

I know how you feel about wanting to give baby a chance. That is what we are meant to do as mommies. We are meant to give life It's so sad when we can't.

Anyway, I just wanted you to know that you aren't alone. There a few of us Catholic mommies that have been in the same position. Try the "Termination for medical reasons" board at Babycenter. There are many of us there, and we just had a thread on our issues as Catholics.
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  #7  
June 24th, 2010, 01:48 PM
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I am so sorry to hear the prognosis isn't good. I wish there was an easy answer. I had to make a choice w/my angel as well, it is the hardest decision of your life and it kills you inside.

I wish you peace during this time and know that no matter what decision you make, it is the right one. Try not to be hard on yourself.
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  #8  
June 24th, 2010, 01:53 PM
HopefulMommy81's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Thank you so much for your support ladies.
Megan- From your post in TTC, you actually did really help- I think your reason for induction vs D&E is a very good one. Just a question though- I know your little one wasn't your first baby- do you think it would have affected you more going through labor for the first time with her?
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Annalise is hoping to be a big sister on June 28, 2014. Forever missing her big brother, Matthew, stillborn on July 1, 2010.
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  #9  
June 24th, 2010, 01:53 PM
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I'm sorry for what you have to go thru.

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  #10  
June 24th, 2010, 02:39 PM
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I have no experience with Terminating for Medical Reasons as my little one died on her own just one week after we recieved the bad news (20 weeks 2 days). But i wanted to share my experience in response to your question to Megan.
Lucy was my first child. I was terrified to give birth to a dead baby. I had NO IDEA what to expect and I was scared about what my reaction would be to seeing my child that way. I want to tell you how extremely grateful I am that I had the chance to see her at all. It was difficult. She didn't look like I'd imagined her when I thought about having a baby, but I loved her so much, and the love I had for her grew expotentially when I held her in my arms. I know for me I would regret it terribly if I had not taken advantage of holding my little girl and seeing her face to face. It proved that she was a real human being, and rather than putting me off to having children in the future, that one single experience made my desire to be a mother stronger than ever. I don't want it to sound like I'm telling you what to do, only you can decide what is best. I wasn't given the option of a D&C, they just told me that I had to be induced after Lucy's death, but I am so very grateful that I delivered my daughter. For me it was a very important experience that helped give me closure.
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Last edited by Elsa; June 24th, 2010 at 02:42 PM.
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  #11  
June 24th, 2010, 06:38 PM
HopefulMommy81's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Thank you ladies for your kind thoughts/words.
Elsa- Thank you so much for posting that. My huge fear (well one of them) is the giving birth and laboring for the first time to a baby that won't make it. I definetly have decided I want to be able to hold Pumpkin- that's my only decision so far. Thank you so much for sharing your experience and just so you know, in no way did it sound like you were telling me what to do, hon! Thanks!
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Annalise is hoping to be a big sister on June 28, 2014. Forever missing her big brother, Matthew, stillborn on July 1, 2010.
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  #12  
June 24th, 2010, 07:24 PM
MeganMomof5's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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That's a hard question for me, since I had been through labor 4 times before...I do want to say that being induced early is not the same as being in active labor full term...It was painful yes, but not nearly the same...I know with my labor, it was hard getting it started because my body wasn't ready, but once labor actually started it was quick and the actual pain didn't last long...They were also very kind and didn't want me to suffer anymore than I had, they gave me my epidural when I wanted and IV drugs when I wanted...I was very scared to see Ella at first and I asked the nurse what she looked like...Once she was brought to me, I felt nothing but love for her, she was my baby...The hospital was so good, they did hand and foot prints, gave her clothes ,took pictures and made me a really nice memory box full of things...One thing that really helped me was what other woman here told me...To spend as much time with her as I wanted (I spent 19 1/2 hours with her after her birth, holding her, talking to her etc...Take lots and lots of pictures...You will regret it if you don't, even if you think you won't at the time...I thought I took a lot of pictures, but even now I wish I had more...I am once again so sorry you are going through this, I know that everyone on this board hates it when we see someone having to deal with such a horrible thing..it's something none of us should have to go through.
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  #13  
June 24th, 2010, 07:50 PM
HopefulMommy81's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Thank you Megan for your response
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  #14  
June 24th, 2010, 11:30 PM
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Oh Jacque I am so very sorry about the news you got .

When we decided to induce with Katrina at just before 23 weeks, I was in absolute fear and shock that I would literally have to go through labour and deliver my baby, well, dead. It scared the crap out of me and I had absolutely no idea what to expect. One thing I knew for sure was that I wanted to give birth to her vaginally. Even though I knew she wasn't going to be alive when she came out, I still wanted to experience the beauty of giving birth to my beautiful daughter that my DH and I created. And it truly was a beautiful experience for me. It was painful for sure (more so emotionally than physically), but I got to hold her head as I was pushing her out. She was handed to me right away to hold and kiss while DH cut the umbilical cord.

I actually went on to facebook and looked up stillborn baby groups so I could look at some stillborn babies in order to prepare myself in what she was going to look like (I didn't know of JM at the time). Of all the pictures I saw, they all looked so peaceful and they were truly beautiful.

So in saying that, I'm so glad that you have decided to hold your baby once s/he is born. I spent 6 hours just holding and kissing my sweet Katrina and taking tons and tons of pictures. She was absolutely gorgeous and perfect in every single way. I know I would have regretted it terribly had I not chosen to see, hold, kiss, and name her. And like Elsa said, doing all that gave me some sort of closure.


Last edited by LaLaLa1; June 24th, 2010 at 11:33 PM.
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  #15  
June 25th, 2010, 07:51 AM
noworries
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Jacque, I am so sorry you are having to make this decision. I'm saying a prayer for you now for wisdom and peace.
My Eli passed away at about 25w2d and I was induced on 25w6d and gave birth to him at 26 weeks. My body was not prepared for birth since I was only 26 weeks so the induction took longer than I was expecting but once things really got going, it was really quick. I had a natural (no drugs) birth with my daughter and was hoping for the same with Eli but I think I was in too much emotional pain so I ended up getting IV drugs which I later regretted because they didn't take the pain away, just made me feel really loopy and they were still in my system when Eli was born so I couldn't focus on him until they were out of my system. So, while I really hate the idea of an epidural (just my own personal opinion) I would definitely opt for the epidural instead of IV drugs if you want pain relief in drug form. Eli was born just after midnight and he was kept in our room all night and we spent the next day holding him and having family come visit (we are really glad that his grandparents and aunts and big sister were able to come see him and hold him and take pictures with him) and hold him and taking pictures and saying goodbye. A photographer from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep came and did some professional pictures of us and him. I am so glad that our hospital called them for me and we got those pictures. They have photographers all over the country so you should find out if you can have one come do pictures for you after your baby is born.
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  #16  
June 25th, 2010, 10:10 AM
heathernoel's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I agree with the other opinions you are getting. I will never regret giving birth to the two boys. For me, labor was the 'least I could do' for them. I can't describe it any other way.

The pictures I have, their blankies....mean the world to me.
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  #17  
June 25th, 2010, 10:24 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by chispaza View Post
My body was not prepared for birth since I was only 26 weeks so the induction took longer than I was expecting but once things really got going, it was really quick. I had a natural (no drugs) birth with my daughter and was hoping for the same with Eli but I think I was in too much emotional pain so I ended up getting IV drugs which I later regretted because they didn't take the pain away, just made me feel really loopy and they were still in my system when Eli was born so I couldn't focus on him until they were out of my system. So, while I really hate the idea of an epidural (just my own personal opinion) I would definitely opt for the epidural instead of IV drugs if you want pain relief in drug form. Eli was born just after midnight and he was kept in our room all night and we spent the next day holding him and having family come visit (we are really glad that his grandparents and aunts and big sister were able to come see him and hold him and take pictures with him) and hold him and taking pictures and saying goodbye. A photographer from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep came and did some professional pictures of us and him. I am so glad that our hospital called them for me and we got those pictures. They have photographers all over the country so you should find out if you can have one come do pictures for you after your baby is born.
Like Carrie, my body also wasn't ready for birth yet, so it took almost 24 hours of being in the hospital to give birth. But only 4 hours of that was somewhat strong contractions and she came out in I think only 2 easy pushes (since she was so tiny).

I never knew of Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, but I really wish I had. So if you're able to get one of those photographers to come in, I think that would be a lovely way to remember your baby as well (I've heard some of them won't come in though unless the baby's over 24 weeks gestation, but still check).

Even though this will be the most traumatic and difficult time for you, it's nice to know that there are options out there to turn this sad time into a beautiful experience by creating such beautiful memories of your baby that you can cherish forever -- I hope that makes sense?
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  #18  
June 25th, 2010, 11:49 AM
Aeterna's Avatar Super Speshil
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I'm so sorry, mama. My heart goes out to you. (((hugs)))

Have you visited the NILMDTS forum? I've read a number of stories similar to yours (bilateral renal agenesis or non-functioning kidneys). I remember one where they managed to get to 34 weeks. They opted for preterm delivery. This is often chosen if the baby's health is declining. It's done to avoid a stillbirth.
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  #19  
June 25th, 2010, 01:09 PM
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I also had a NILMDTS photographer come. The nurses called them and they said that they normally don't do it before 24 weeks (Lucy was a little over 20 weeks) they said to call after the baby was born if we decided we wanted pictures anyway. We did want pictures and the sweet photographer came at 1:30 AM to take pictures of our little girl. I cherish those photos so much.

I pray for you and your family every night Jacque.
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  #20  
June 25th, 2010, 01:52 PM
HopefulMommy81's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Thank you ladies for all of your experiences. Technically Pumpkin won't probably be stillborn, except that the doctor said because of the lack of fluid the baby might not make it through delivery, so it might be...I hate saying "it" but they've never been able to tell us the gender so we won't know until Pumpkin is born. I am pretty sure we have the photographers here- I work at the Childrens Hospital here as a nurse and I know there are photographers who come there when a patient is dying/has died so I think they'd come to the maternity wards as well. I have an appt with my regular OB on Tuesday morning to discuss things. Even though I know all of the doctors have said the baby won't make it, I think we will at least wait until viability (24 weeks) just in case.....wishful thinking I know, but I think that would help me get through it. DH doesn't want me to wait too much longer just because the risk of infection and harm to me is so great and is increasing daily.
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