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  #1  
June 26th, 2010, 08:19 AM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
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Every once and a while I'll see a sig with a memorial ticker for a baby lost between 4-10 weeks or so, and something like "TTC our first with an angel up above."

But Cora was, is and always will be my first. When I was TTC Erin, I was TTC #2. What makes it so different? Was it the 30 or so more weeks I was pregnant? Was it the actual labor and delivery? Was it the fact that I got to hold her in my arms and see an actual baby?

I've never miscarried, so I don't really know what it's like.
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  #2  
June 26th, 2010, 08:58 AM
heathernoel's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I've seen that too, and I am also curious.

I don't count my blessed two because I feel unworthy to. But they weren't m/c.

Joe is blown away by me sometimes because I DO go into the whole diatribe with everyone. He'll say we're having another baby. "Oh, #4?", and I ALWAYS butt in. They will forever count, kwim?
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  #3  
June 26th, 2010, 10:59 AM
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Hope you don't mind my opinion.

From one who has only had miscarriages, with most of my miscarriages they were just a line on a pregnancy test now I do count 5 as my children but not puplically because it's not worth the pain it still causes. My first miscarriage counted I held that baby before I had to flush it,it Brandon had a heartbeat a week before I lost him. Bethany and Brittany I felt move and held them, Caitlyn made me have horrible morning sickness, and Matthew I saw him with a beating heart. I still count them all as my angels and my children know about Brandon,Bethany,Brittany, Caitlyn and Matthew. They count to me when they have a beating heart.

Plus society makes it harder on women who have losses it's like the elephant in the room, only online can I still talk to adults about my babies.
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  #4  
June 26th, 2010, 12:09 PM
MeganMomof5's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I'm not sure Brittanie...I count Ella as one of my children, I went through labor, gave birth to her and held her in my arms and had her cremated etc...I however don't really count my miscarriage as an actual child because I didn't ever see that baby, I didn't know the gender etc...I still loved that baby very much, but it was never the same as Ella...When I talk about my kids I try to say I have 4 living children and then Ella who was stillborn....I don't mention my miscarriage unless it's someone that really knows...Maybe it's different for others, but that's just how I Feel.
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  #5  
June 26th, 2010, 02:25 PM
AliciaF's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I've had 3 mc's prior to 5 weeks and then I lost Clark at 20 weeks. (the mc's were after Clark)

I don't count my mc's as children either and they don't feel the same to me as Clark's loss did. Clark was my baby. I knew his gender, felt him move, named him, gave birth to him, held him and made his final arrangements. He was a perfect baby, my body just betrayed him.

The mc's suck but really, the worst part about them was that they came after Clark and I knew that I shouldn't have been going through them. For 2 of them I should have still been pregnant and for the last, I should have had a newborn. I shouldn't have been trying or having mc's.
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  #6  
June 26th, 2010, 04:25 PM
Aeterna's Avatar Super Speshil
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I know for me, personally, it is different. I would not count an early miscarriage as a child in the way I 'count' my living children or Duncan. I just wouldn't. But I'm not sure when it would change for me. Later miscarriage? I don't know. I asked DH and he said the medical/legal definition of stillbirth. Makes sense to me.

If I had a later miscarriage I might 'count' the loss as my child in a manner that is private and something shared amongst close family and friends, but not in the same way I 'count' my others. I don't think (or know if) I'd go around saying, "We lost our 3rd son" (assuming our next is a boy and I had a late miscarriage).

I'm not really sure why. It's just how I feel. For some their religious beliefs dictate how they may feel about it and their beliefs regarding when life begins or when the baby becomes their 'child' to be included in the number of their living or birthed children.
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  #7  
June 26th, 2010, 07:57 PM
rebeccabaltimore and more's Avatar (rebeccabaltimore)
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I think it's the fact that I gave birth to Ethan. Baby B and Baby C will always be my children, but if you ask me how many children I have I will say two. My mommy necklace has two LO on it. DH is the same way.
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  #8  
June 27th, 2010, 07:14 AM
claire1979's Avatar mummy to a special angel
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MeganMomof5 View Post
I'm not sure Brittanie...I count Ella as one of my children, I went through labor, gave birth to her and held her in my arms and had her cremated etc...I however don't really count my miscarriage as an actual child because I didn't ever see that baby, I didn't know the gender etc...I still loved that baby very much, but it was never the same as Ella...When I talk about my kids I try to say I have 4 living children and then Ella who was stillborn....I don't mention my miscarriage unless it's someone that really knows...Maybe it's different for others, but that's just how I Feel.
im pretty much say this also, i say i have 5 kids with me and 1 in heaven.
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  #9  
June 27th, 2010, 03:05 PM
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I don't really count my m/c's. To me they were just line's on a pregnancy test. I never saw their heart beat. I never felt them kick. With Calypso she was here and tangible and I held her and kisses her and loved her with every ounce of my being.

With a M/C you are mourning the what could have been. With a stillbirth (which to me is anytime after 15 weeks) or nicu loss you are mourning what was and is.
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  #10  
June 27th, 2010, 03:48 PM
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I've never had a miscarriage, so my thoughts on the subject are somewhat theoretical, but here's my opinion. When I was pregnant with Lucy I did not associate the pregnancy with a human being till somewhere around 15 - 16 weeks. I'm not certain what changed, but before then it just felt like I had a medical condition that would eventually result in a child. I was excited to have a baby, but I had no attachment to a specific baby. At around 16 weeks I started to feel love for my child and my love for her continued to increase.
I'm 5 weeks along in my current pregnancy and I don't feel like there is a baby inside me right now. I feel like there are rapidly dividing cells which will eventually turn into a baby.
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  #11  
June 27th, 2010, 09:08 PM
MeganMomof5's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I guess my miscarriage was kind of different...I was over 14 weeks when the baby passed away...I had seen the baby on ultrasound, kicking, moving etc, and it looked like a baby...I had even just started to feel the babies kicks...I felt at first like it was losing Ella all over again, but I haven't had any closure to my last loss...I didn't find anything out about the baby, all I have are some ultrasound pictures...I think now, if god forbid something happend to this pregnancy I'm not sure if i'd be nearly as upset as I was about my last miscarriage....I hope that makes sense...I do know that even though I was only like 6 weeks less than what I was when Ella died, it wasn't the same for me...I feel guilty thinking that way though
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  #12  
June 27th, 2010, 11:01 PM
MountainMomma's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I hope you don't mind me responding to this. I lurk here so often following some of you that I know from other boards, and I feel like I know all of you.

I've had seven miscarriages... all with DH, but I still tell people that we are TTC our first together. Why? Well, I mostly blame it on society. I can't tell you how many times I have heard people say "At least it was just a miscarriage. It's not like it was a baby yet." I do feel like I have lost 7 babies, and in my heart, I am the mommy to 9 children. However.... society doesn't want to hear that. There are no pictures. I wasn't even far enough along to have ultrasound pictures. All of my losses were before 6 weeks. To anyone but me (and maybe DH) they were just a cluster of cells. Just a line on a test. I say it because society makes me feel guilty if I say #10 and then have to explain that babies 3-9 were all lost. At the same time.... denying them makes me feel guilty too, but then I don't have other people looking at me like I must be a liar. *shrugs* I guess I do it mostly to make it easier on other people. They don't want to hear about it, so I only talk about it online or with a select few people IRL.

With you all, there is an undeniable difference. You all saw your babies. You held them, you felt them move in your womb, you delivered them. You have pictures and in many cases, nurseries and clothing... blankets that belonged to them. The world knew that a baby was coming and that a baby was lost. With a miscarriage.... While you may have told some.... there is no "evidence" yet, so it's easier for society and others around you to pretend it never happened or to even honestly forget about it. I think that is the big difference.
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  #13  
June 28th, 2010, 11:07 AM
Catherine's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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This is a tough subject for me. I held my first two lost babies. Never even knew the gender of this last one, let alone hold it. The last one is a little harder and a little easier at the same time. But I still "count" them all because I saw them on ultrasound and they were ALL my babies.
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  #14  
June 28th, 2010, 11:51 AM
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Another lurker here who has only had miscarriages. I guess I'm different because those siggies bug me too. I NEVER, ever say we're ttc #1. I won't even visit that board anymore. They were babies at conception. To me, I have four children in Heaven. I might say I'm trying to conceive my first LIVING child but I never discount my babies. Personally, though, I don't care about society's viewpoint. I went many years bottling things up and have learn that doing so is very self-destructive for me. I need to talk about each of them and therefore society can deal.
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  #15  
June 30th, 2010, 10:46 AM
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just gonna add my quick 2 cents,


I don't think there is a difference (I've had both). I condier both my angels, babies, even though the M/c was at 5.7 weeks and CHarlie was 36 weeks, I grieved over baby star for well over a year, i'm sure i'll never stop grieving Charlie, they weren't different, just that one I could hold and the other I didn't.
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  #16  
June 30th, 2010, 11:25 AM
plan4fate's Avatar I may bend, but not break
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*lurking* (sorry Jenn, sometimes I just can't help myself )

As someone who's had ONLY miscarriages as well I'm the oddball.

I am very protective of my babies. But, when it comes time that I get married and I start ttc.. my ticker will read "TTC our first" because, at the time, hopefully it will be "our" first since all my losses were with other people (note to the world, birthcontrol isn't effect for everybody). But my siggy will always have "missing mommies angels" when the time comes.
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  #17  
June 30th, 2010, 01:52 PM
martilynne's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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For me this is kind of difficult to answer. I had 2 m/c before I lost Lilly. We lost her at 15 weeks which is still in the m/c timeframe but was not a m/c since we terminated for medical reasons (trisomy 18). My first siggy after we lost her said TTC our first, I did not ask for her to put it on there but she did. It bothered me but I figured that was the way that others saw it so I was suppose to look at it that way too...I have never been one to be able to explain my emotions very easily so I figured if I just say this is my 1st I won't have to explain. I do consider Lilly my first even though I had 2 miscarriages before her and this little one will know that they have a big sister in heaven. I just don't feel like explaining it to everyone since how we lost her is a very taboo subject.
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  #18  
July 2nd, 2010, 03:28 PM
SerendipitysChild's Avatar Super Mommy
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Another Lurker here, I always keep the ladies of this board in my heart and prayers. You are a phenominal bunch of women!
Mountainmomma is spot on with my thoughts.
When I got my first BFP in August of 04 I was over the moon, I had wanted to be a Mom since I was old enough to hold a baby doll and it never occured to me that pregnancy does not always mean you get to raise that child. I named her Maggie and started gathering clothes and trinkets for her. I never got to see if she was actually a little girl but I always felt that she was. At my 12 week appointment I was stunned to find out she was gone. It was devistating, a dream ripped away but I never saw her or got to touch her, she was gone with a D&C. I keep her close to my heart and have a few momento's from my pregnancy with her even though it was short. I don't mention her everytime people ask how many I have but I do sometimes. I just can't help it, she was my baby just as much as the two that are with me so I usually just say I lost my first pregnancy and people are uncomfortable so they don't pry. I look forward to meeting her in heaven.
It is bittersweet because I got pregnant with my Daughter Autumn 2 months before Maggie was due so if I had Maggie I would not have Autumn but I will always consider Autumn my second and Elijah my third. I consider her to be a guardian over my two living kids. All of this said, I could never compare the hurt I felt over my miscarriage to the devistation of a baby born sleeping, you ladies continue to awe me with your strength and I will always lurk to check on you!
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  #19  
July 14th, 2010, 11:17 PM
HopefulMommy81's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Well, as the newest memeber of this board, I guess I will weigh in. I had two early losses, both around 5 weeks, before conceiving Matthew. I never know if I should "count" those as pregnancies- when I went to the doctor, just several days after getting a BFP both times, my HCG was <0.5, so therefore not considered pregnant so I don't know if my OB considers them pregnancies or not. I don't know right now what I consider them, but I definetly feel they are different from Matthew. Matthew will always be our first little boy, and our future children (which hopefully God will give us) will know they have a big brother in heaven who will watch out for them always. We will keep his ashes here with us and his memory box from the hospital and his picture will be hung up with all of ours (we're making a collage- our wedding picture, a baby picture of me, baby picture of DH, and a picture of me, DH, and Matthew). I personally feel that the early miscarriages are different than stillborn infants. Something about holding Matthew and seeing him just made it that way for me. However, I do realize that any loss, no matter when it is, is heartbreaking.
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  #20  
July 15th, 2010, 06:32 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HopefulMommy81 View Post
Well, as the newest memeber of this board, I guess I will weigh in. I had two early losses, both around 5 weeks, before conceiving Matthew. I never know if I should "count" those as pregnancies- when I went to the doctor, just several days after getting a BFP both times, my HCG was <0.5, so therefore not considered pregnant so I don't know if my OB considers them pregnancies or not. I don't know right now what I consider them, but I definetly feel they are different from Matthew. Matthew will always be our first little boy, and our future children (which hopefully God will give us) will know they have a big brother in heaven who will watch out for them always. We will keep his ashes here with us and his memory box from the hospital and his picture will be hung up with all of ours (we're making a collage- our wedding picture, a baby picture of me, baby picture of DH, and a picture of me, DH, and Matthew). I personally feel that the early miscarriages are different than stillborn infants. Something about holding Matthew and seeing him just made it that way for me. However, I do realize that any loss, no matter when it is, is heartbreaking.
Absolutely. As a lurker who has only had miscarriages, I won't even begin to claim I know what it's like for you ladies. It is very different. Both are losses, yes, but that's about where the similarities end. I lurk because I like to check up on the ladies I know from other boards.
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