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I know I haven't been around much lately. Part of it is that I've just been busy. My boys are out of school now and Cammie is growing up quick.
Another part of it is avoidance, I think. Clark's 2nd birthday is coming up. I struggle with guilt over how much I love Cameron and how much joy she brings to my life because I know if Clark had survived I wouldn't have had her. I haven't been wearing my bracelet or ring and I've told people it's because Cameron plays with it or because I don't want it to hurt her while she nurses, but really, I just can't handle the reminder lately.
Birthdays are hard. They really are. I felt the same way as you when Erin got here, that guilt. Cora would have been 5 months old when I conceived Erin, I would have been nursing and that means I wouldn't have been getting periods so I highly doubt I would have gotten pregnant then if Cora had stayed.
But Clark wants you to be happy. I'm sure of that. He knows that loving his sister doesn't mean that you love him any less. And just because you're not in an emotional place to wear the jewelry, doesn't mean you're forgetting about him. You know and he knows he won't ever be forgotten. You need to do whatever you need for yourself.
It's so hard when we can't mother our angel babies like we do our other children. Since we can't hold them, feed them, change them, or talk to them, we feel like we aren't doing "enough."