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I hope you, girls, won't mind me sharing it here for the first time. I haven't done it before, not even on my last year's DDC board. Here it goes....
On Sunday, July 12, 2009 (7 days before my due date) I woke up feeling a little unwell. I knew right away that this is going to be the day Eric will be born, but little did I realize that itís going to be the day he will be born still. Nothing was wrong in the days leading up to it. I thought there wasnít enough movement (or maybe no movement at all) four days before that. I thought it was normal, though, believing that there isnít enough space in there for him to move as much as before. At around 10:30am, I started feeling light contractions which quickly turned into strong ones. I called my doctor who told me that I should go to the hospital at 12pm. We had to go to the birthday party that day for one of our close friendsí children, so I quickly got my daughter ready and had my husband take her there while I needed to get my hospital bag packed (yes, I had nothing prepared since I thought I still have enough maternity leave days before heíll be born to do it). After my husband came back I was in more pain and was all ready to go to the hospital. We were really excited and ready to meet him even though there was so little prepared in our house for him. The contractions were really strong by the time we got to the hospital, and I couldnít do anything or think of anything while I had them. I remember filling out the paperwork in between the contractions while sitting in a small waiting room of L&D of the hospital. Finally, our name was called and the nurse took us to a different room. I remember the smiles on our faces thinking that very soon we will be holding our little boy. In the room, the nurse had me lie down and turned on the Doppler machine. She asked me if I was having a boy judging by the shape of my stomach. She put the doppler on my stomach and started looking for a heartbeat. There was a heartbeat, but not his, but I didnít realize that it was mine. A few minutes had passed, and the nurse started checking out the connections on the machine. I didnít think anything of it. She had a very concerned look on her face but I thought nothing of it. Then she said that sheíll be right back. When the nurse left the room, I noticed a weird look on my husbandís face. The nurse came back with a doctor. He checked the heartbeat with the doppler again, then he asked the nurse to bring an ultrasound machine. I donít know how much time had passed, but I knew that something was terribly wrong. A few minutes later, the doctor confirmed that the heart of my unborn baby boy was no longer beating. I asked whose heartbeat I was hearing, and he said it was mine. I asked him if he was sure about that, he said that 120 bpm was too low for a baby at that point. I thought it was some sort of mistake. I had all sorts of questions in my head. Why did my labor start if there is no heartbeat? Why was everything ok at the regular check-up less than a week before? And many moreÖ.. I kept thinking they were wrong and hoped for a miracle until he was born. We learned the horrible news at around 1pm on July 12, 2009. The next several hours were like in a very bad dream. I remember going to a different room, the contractions started to get really violent by then, but I refused the epidural and any medicine since nothing mattered at that moment. I was about 4 cm dilated at the time. The pain was getting to be too unbearable and I quickly changed my mind. I told them to give me the highest dosage of epidural since it didnít matter anymore. But the anesthesiologist was doing the c-section so I had to wait. I donít know how I survived the next few hours. Iíve never been in a pain like that before even with my first pregnancy. But the pain of knowing that we never get to hold him was stronger. After I got the epidural at about 5 pm, I felt much better physically, but not emotionally. At about 7pm, my water broke, and I was told that it had the bad color indicating that the baby must have been in distress. I felt so guilty and still do that he had to be in distress, and I didnít know about it and couldnít help him. I was already 8 cm dilated. At about 8:30 pm I was fully dilated and was told to start pushing. After a few pushes, our little boy was born. Eric J. was born sleeping on July 12, 2009 at 9:00 pm. He weighed 7lbs11oz and was 21 inches long, and was perfect in every way. His life was much too short, but he was (and still is) so very wanted and loved. I miss him every day.
I didn't get to hold him or spend time with him. I don't have any pictures to share other than the one I shared in "our angels pictures" that was taken by the hospital and retouched. We were in so much shock the whole time and so unprepared to deal with the stillbirth, and I really regret it . Thanks for reading.
I'm sorry that you didn't get the chance to hold him or get more pictures like you wanted. I think all of us regret not getting enough time...but none of us got enough. You're not the only one who has that regret.
I hope that you can find a little bit of peace today.