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You all know the question - how do I answer it?


Forum: Stillbirth

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  #1  
July 15th, 2010, 09:26 AM
rebeccabaltimore and more's Avatar (rebeccabaltimore)
Join Date: Feb 2009
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Grant is only 10 weeks old, so I still haven't figured out how to answer the question - "Is he your first/only child?"

Tomorrow Grant and I have our first meet up with a local mommy group. They are small and just getting off the ground, and they seem to be my age with kids Grant's age. I want so much for this to be a good place for us - so few of my friends have kids, honestly you guys and my PR are my biggest source of mom friends.

I don't want to make things awkward the way discussion of stillbirth can, but at the same time once I am closer to these moms (if everything works out) I will absolutely be including Ethan in my kid counting.

So how do you guys handle it?
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  #2  
July 15th, 2010, 09:35 AM
SimplyJenalee's Avatar Super Mommy
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If it is a stranger and I don't know then I usually say "Tessa is my first at home with us". They probably won't catch on but it makes me feel like I am still including Alyssa.

If I personally know the person, I usually do mention Alyssa.
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  #3  
July 15th, 2010, 10:18 AM
SarahBethsMommy's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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In that situation I'd tell them about Ethan. The point of the group is to support each other and they need to know about him to support you.

In stranger situations I say, "I have three biological children... and foster children too." Usually they drop it then. If they press I say one of my kids lives in heaven and the other two are here with me. I really don't mind the making people feel awkward thing. I want them to recognize my son no matter what.
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  #4  
July 15th, 2010, 10:44 AM
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I think a mommy group is a good place to mention Ethan. I'm sure they'll all be supportive. I've been to a few mommy groups and I said Rachel was my first and instantly regretted it because I know of all places that they would be the most supportive instead of telling random strangers who ask in the mall or on the street or whatever.

I've had major struggles with this though I always say the wrong thing "she's my first" and get so angry with myself after that I'm not acknowledging Katrina properly or something. It's a tough situation to be in................
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  #5  
July 15th, 2010, 11:17 AM
Sarah:Marie:IVF:Mommy's Avatar Proud mom of Leiland
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I am usually honest up front if it isn't a stranger. I know this first sitting will be weirdest but if you think you will be sticking around, be honest. Once its out of the way it will just bring you closer.
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  #6  
July 15th, 2010, 11:40 AM
MeganMomof5's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I would probably be honest...If I were in the same situation i'd say he was my first living child....I've done that and say I have 4 living children at home, and we lost one....Most of the time I notice that people don't really press the issue...Good luck!
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  #7  
July 15th, 2010, 12:20 PM
heathernoel's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I'd bring him up...definitely. I look at it this way: This is my reality. If it makes someone a little bit uncomfortable, maybe they'll understand 1/10 of what it's like to be me.
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  #8  
July 15th, 2010, 02:10 PM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
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I agree with the other ladies. If you participate regularly it's going to come up at some point. It'd be better if it came up sooner rather than later.

When people ask, I usually say I have 2 babies at home, and they usually leave it at that.
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  #9  
July 15th, 2010, 02:25 PM
liz bevan's Avatar Super Mommy
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I would tell people.
I feel bad not including our son when ppl ask if we have any children.
So now I always tell ppl that we had a son who died during labour.
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  #10  
July 15th, 2010, 08:37 PM
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DH and I have often talked about how to address this question. It's frustrating that we can't just have a cut and dried answer. Still I think in that particular situation I would mention Ethan.
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  #11  
July 15th, 2010, 09:53 PM
hannah79's Avatar A little bit wicked
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I usually say that I have 2 living children.
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  #12  
July 16th, 2010, 07:09 AM
AliciaF's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I would tell them in this siutation.
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  #13  
July 16th, 2010, 08:00 AM
noworries
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I would tell them too. I think you'll find that they will be really supportive. I usually tell people that I had another son previously but that he is in heaven or that he didn't survive or something along those lines.
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  #14  
July 16th, 2010, 01:15 PM
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I would tell them as well.
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  #15  
July 16th, 2010, 05:19 PM
rebeccabaltimore and more's Avatar (rebeccabaltimore)
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I did tell them, but I made it brief, so everything went fine. They are a great bunch of ladies, and the whole meeting went well
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  #16  
July 17th, 2010, 04:57 AM
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Good! I am so glad it went well!
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  #17  
July 19th, 2010, 05:10 PM
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I am pregnant now and have been asked sooooo many times if this will be my first. My typical response has been ... "We lost a son @ 36 weeks and I have a 15 year old stepson" I try to say it matter of fact but upbeat.

A couple of times I've gotten more questions about Seth and I don't mind sharing. Most of the time's I get an I'm sorry and I try to redirect the conversation back to what we were originally talking about.

I don't want to make them feel bad, but I also don't want to make me feel bad by not mentioning it.

It's sometimes germain to the conversation too .....as sometimes they are wanting to talk about pregnancy.I've already been pregnant before. So, in the times that I didn't mention it I've found it even more awkward to have to go back and explain that I have been pregnant and delivered a baby before.
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  #18  
July 20th, 2010, 04:17 AM
Ben,Logan&Kaitlin'sMommy's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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i am so glad that the meeting went well.


Someone asked me the other day how old my kids were and i said my daughter would of been 7, my son is 5 and my little guy is almost 2 - it just came out too - didn't even think about it. Most of the time she gets left out which makes me feel sad but I love any opportunity to talk about her. When her angelversary came around on facebook - half my facebook didn't know and were shocked - I carry myself with her memory out in the open so if you ask me about her - I will not shut up!
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