Log In Sign Up

Questions From The "Newbie"


Forum: Stillbirth

Notices

Welcome to the JustMommies Message Boards.

We pride ourselves on having the friendliest and most welcoming forums for moms and moms to be! Please take a moment and register for free so you can be a part of our growing community of mothers. If you have any problems registering please drop an email to boards@justmommies.com.

Our community is moderated by our moderation team so you won't see spam or offensive messages posted on our forums. Each of our message boards is hosted by JustMommies hosts, whose names are listed at the top each board. We hope you find our message boards friendly, helpful, and fun to be on!

Reply Post New Topic
  Subscribe To Stillbirth LinkBack Topic Tools Search this Topic Display Modes
  #1  
July 16th, 2010, 02:17 PM
HopefulMommy81's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: California
Posts: 5,640
Hi ladies,
I figured I would start asking some questions now. I didn't know who else to ask and you ladies seem like such a great group of women and the obvious choice since we've been through similar experiences. I guess I will list some.....
First, how long did you bleed for after the birth? My doctor said it of course varies but was just wondering everyone's experience. I'm 15 days out and still bleeding, though it's not heavy or anything- but DH keeps wanting to swim (we bought an above-ground pool before everything went "wrong" with Matthew since I would be pregnant during the summer) and I can't since the OB said not to use a tampon.
Second- and I know this will vary as well, for both physical and emotional reasons- how long did you wait before TTC again? My OB said he recommends 6 months since I was pre-term and he recommends 1 year for full-term, however, if it happens before then he said it'd probably be OK. We of course will be waiting at least a few months, but I don't think I want to wait six necessarily... also, 6 would have the due date of very near Matthew (same month, next year) and I can't do that- October will always be Matthew's month, as well as July.
Third- did your cycles go back to normal relatively quickly? While TTC Matthew, I charted using FF and used OPK's and would like to continue doing that again, but I have no idea how to start- what would be CD 1? Do I wait until I stop bleeding and then get a "normal" period? Will I O in between that time?
Fourth- Did you all have services/memorials for your little ones? We are having Matthew cremated- I found an urn I liked online (a blue ceramic baby bootie) and will keep him with us here at home always. DH and I would like to have some sort of memorial for Matthew but not really a funeral- we were the only two (besides my nurse and doctor) who ever met Matthew but would like a "gathering" as DH puts it to remember him. We're thinking of waiting though until around his due date- I want to have something arranged/built outside for him like a fountain or statue or garden or something. Plus, it's over 100 degrees here almost consistently through August now so lots of people outside might not be a good plan.
Fifth- did you go to a support group? What else helped you through this time? We have an organization here, Angel Babies, who offers assistance to families who have lots infants both through pregnancy, stillbirth, and shortly after. Their next support group however doesn't start for a couple months- it will I'm sure still be necessary for us at that time since it will carry us through his due date and the holidays.
OK, well, I had another question and just completely forgot it! I'm sure I will think of it later though. I look forward (as strange as that may seem but you know what I mean) to getting to know you ladies. I have a wonderful support network IRL, but nobody who truly understands what DH and I are going through- you wouldn't believe some of the comments people have been making that they I know think will comfort us, but really make us want to scream!

Jacque
__________________

Annalise is hoping to be a big sister on June 28, 2014. Forever missing her big brother, Matthew, stillborn on July 1, 2010.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
July 16th, 2010, 02:41 PM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Indiana
Posts: 9,769
I can't help with the first ones. But for your 4th and 5th questions.

We had a little 'Remembrance Service' in place of a funeral. We had it in a Non-denom church and had a CD of songs and flowers. It was really good for me to be able to do that. I think if I hadn't I would regret it now.

Fifth I didn't personally go to a group physically but there are sites out there that are forums JUST for losses.

MISS Foundation

Child miscarriage support and child death support website. The grief of child loss

And this one is UK based but I met some awesome women there too
Sands Forum - Welcome to the Sands Forum

This board is great for support too. Some people can't find a group to go to physically and online boards are great for that imho
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #3  
July 16th, 2010, 04:51 PM
MeganMomof5's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 11,772
I'm glad you posted, I think about you all the time

I had Ella on October 14th and bled for a couple of weeks, I can't remember, maybe it was like 16 days...I then got my first period on November 16th...It was a pretty normal period, but that cycle was longer than normal, I didn't ovulate till Cd 26 and didn't get my next period till CD 36...My next cycle seemed to be pretty normal, I ovulated on day 13 or right around there...I got pregnant that cycle so I can't really say if it was going to be longer, but since I ovulated on my normal day i'm pretty sure it was back to normal....My doctor told me to wait 6 months to TTC too, but only for emotional reasons....He has since told me that it's okay to not wait that long...I started to TTC right after Ella was born and found out 3 months after her birth that I was pregnant again..I don't think my loss had anything to do with starting to TTC so soon because the baby was perfectly healthy and made it till the 2nd trimester....I think as soon as you get your first period it will be okay to start to chart and use OPK's again...I don't recomend it till you get your first AF because really there isn't any point IMO...I don't think it should take too long for AF to return....I did not have a service for Ella, I wanted to, but I was having a lot of emotional problems and I didn't think my family was supportive of me...I don't feel bad about not having one...Maybe some day i'll do something for her...I have little things around the house for her to remember her by, her urn and pictures etc...I think doing something outside is a great way to remember little Matthew by ...Also about the support group, we too have one like that here...I talked to the organizers through email, but decided that I didn't want to go...It was for miscarriage and stillbirth...I just didn't feel comfortable being in a room with people and talking about it with anyone....I might still join in the future but for now this group is pretty much my support group... (((Hugs))) if you need to know anything else just ask
__________________
Forever Missing My Baby Girl Ella Grace
Born Sleeping October 14, 2009















Reply With Quote
  #4  
July 16th, 2010, 05:11 PM
Super Mommy
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 696
First, how long did you bleed for after the birth? I bled for 6 weeks, but I did have Robert at 35 weeks, so he was practically full-term.
Second- and I know this will vary as well, for both physical and emotional reasons- how long did you wait before TTC again? All I wanted after I lost Robert was to get pregnant again. I was told to wait a year, but DH and I knew I wouldn't make it that long. I got pregnant with Mady 3 months after I had Robert. I couldn't think of anything else but getting pregnant.
Third- did your cycles go back to normal relatively quickly? I bled for the 6 weeks after Robert, then went about 10 days, maybe 2 weeks without anything and then had the first day of my first cycle after him. This is CD 1. I charted to get pregnant with Mady and it took 2 cycles to go back to normal and on my third one, I got pregnant.
Fourth- Did you all have services/memorials for your little ones? We too had Robert cremated. I wish we had had a memorial service, but we didn't. I couldn't stand most people after having him because no one understood what we were going through. Heck, my DH still doesn't understand the feelings I have. We have Robert here with us. I want to put a shelf in our room to keep his remains and his picture, etc...
Fifth- did you go to a support group? What else helped you through this time? I did not go to a support group. Being on here and researching all I could about how to prevent a cord accident in my next pregnancy was my 'support'. I am a 'knowledge' person, so my way to cope was to know as much as I possibly could so I could do everything in my power to prevent a repeat. I also sent ridiculously long rambling emails to my cousin who was the only one who sort of understood even though it hadn't happened to her. She was my link to sanity, as well as DH, even though him and I deal with grief differently.
Trust me, all of us on here would believe and can imagine or have heard some of the ridiculous things people say after a loss. It is horrible and some people just have no brains. Just be easy on yourself and your husband. It may seem like you will never smile or be happy again. It takes time. It will never go away, but at some point, you will start to have more good days then bad.
__________________
*A HUGE thank you to Maitri for my beautiful siggy!
Reply With Quote
  #5  
July 16th, 2010, 05:41 PM
Sarah:Marie:IVF:Mommy's Avatar Proud mom of Leiland
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Southern CA, Born and raised in MI
Posts: 10,196
Send a message via AIM to Sarah:Marie:IVF:Mommy
Quote:
Originally Posted by HopefulMommy81 View Post
Hi ladies,

First, how long did you bleed for after the birth?

Second- and I know this will vary as well, for both physical and emotional reasons- how long did you wait before TTC again?

Third- did your cycles go back to normal relatively quickly?

Fourth- Did you all have services/memorials for your little ones?

Fifth- did you go to a support group? What else helped you through this time?

Jacque
First, how long did you bleed for after the birth? I bled for about 18 days, but then I had a weird discharge that didn't end till after I had another period

Second- and I know this will vary as well, for both physical and emotional reasons- how long did you wait before TTC again? We have been trying since that first time we could have sex again. However I know we can't get pregnant the traditional way, so we are going in for another round of IVF in September. I would have done it ASAP, but we had to schedule it around dh deploying, so we had to wait a few months.

Third- did your cycles go back to normal relatively quickly? Right away. My period began 33 days after I lost Ruth, right on track

Fourth- Did you all have services/memorials for your little ones? No, we lost her at 21 weeks and chose not to.

Fifth- did you go to a support group? What else helped you through this time? I only came on here, and I had my husbands aunt who has been through it twice to talk to
__________________

Reply With Quote
  #6  
July 16th, 2010, 06:05 PM
HopefulMommy81's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: California
Posts: 5,640
Thank you for your responses.
__________________

Annalise is hoping to be a big sister on June 28, 2014. Forever missing her big brother, Matthew, stillborn on July 1, 2010.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
July 16th, 2010, 08:55 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 2,705
For reference we lost Lucy at 20 weeks.

First, how long did you bleed for after the birth? I bled for 3 weeks. It wasn't really heavy whole 3 weeks, some days like with AF-like bleeding intermixed with some days of just spotting.

Second- and I know this will vary as well, for both physical and emotional reasons- how long did you wait before TTC again? I had an intense overwhelming desire to become pregnant again about 3 weeks after Lucy died, but I hadn't had a period yet so we waited...then after that the intense desire went away. I found that I was not ready at all to be pregnant again. We waited 5 months to TTC and got pregnant on the first try.

Third- did your cycles go back to normal relatively quickly? Right away. My first period was 40 days after delivery, next one was 38 days later, next one was 39 days after that (my cycles are normally between 38 and 42 days).

Fourth- Did you all have services/memorials for your little ones? Yes. We chose to bury Lucy and we had a graveside service at her burial with family and close friends. It was only like 20 or 30 minutes long. It was very thereputic for me and brought me a sense of closure. Also it gave family and friends a chance to pay their respects which I know they wanted to do.

Fifth- did you go to a support group? What else helped you through this time? The hospital gave me some information for some support groups but I never went. I didn't find that I really needed or desired to go. Some family members were very understanding and allowed me to lean on them quite heavily. My religious beliefs are what really pulled me though. That is what brought me the most peace and comfort during the early days of my loss.

I just wanted to tell you that my heart goes out to you Jacque. This is such a painful and difficult time, but it does get easier. We are here for you whenever you need us.
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #8  
July 16th, 2010, 09:20 PM
HopefulMommy81's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: California
Posts: 5,640
Thank you, Elsa.
I'm glad to see most of you had cycles that went back to normal quickly- that's reassuring for me! We will see when the time comes if we will start TTC sooner tha the 5-6 months. We are going to the coast tomorrow for a night which I hope will help us a little bit with our grieving process- I think it will be nice to get away and to not be treated as the woman who just lost a baby....I don't know if that sounds weird/bad but I don't mean it to....
Hope everyone has a good weekend!
__________________

Annalise is hoping to be a big sister on June 28, 2014. Forever missing her big brother, Matthew, stillborn on July 1, 2010.
Reply With Quote
  #9  
July 16th, 2010, 10:11 PM
AliciaF's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Southern Cali
Posts: 2,517
I lost Clark at 20 weeks as well.

1. I bled for a couple weeks. I don't remember exactly how long.

2. I had one normal cycle and then we started ttc. I did get pregnant right away but miscarried due to a chemical pregnancy.

3. I did get regular fairly quickly. My first PP AF was at 5 1/2 weeks. But, at first I had a long follicular phase and a short LP.

4. We did not have a service for Clark. We did have him cremated and have him at home with us. I'm fairly certain we have the same urn for Clark that you picked out.



5. I have not gone to a support group. I have this board and, unfortunately, a close friend experienced the loss of her twin boys a few years before I did so she has been a tremendous source of support for me.
__________________

Thank you *Kiliki* for my perfect siggy Follow us on Facebook

Reply With Quote
  #10  
July 16th, 2010, 10:34 PM
hannah79's Avatar A little bit wicked
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: North Texas
Posts: 1,041
I think that getting out of town after a loss is a great idea--not weird at all. My parents sent us to Vegas after ours. It was nice to get away and not have any of the constant reminders that are at home.
__________________


Reply With Quote
  #11  
July 17th, 2010, 01:42 AM
claire1979's Avatar mummy to a special angel
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: huddersfield, england
Posts: 33,629
Send a message via MSN to claire1979
i was 24 weeks when i had jessica i bled for about 2 weeks and then got my regular af about a onth after that, so i regulated pretty fast.
as for ttc again...i waited 10 months before activly trying i got pregnany after a few months but lost the baby also at 11 weeks then got pregnant a year after the m/c by accident and had keeley in april 08.
we had a buriel for jessica and then we went home and had a planting of a tree with everyone it was beautiful, the tree blooms ever year .

i have never been to a support group there are non that i know of round here, i come here when i need support hun it is amazing the love and support that these ladies have for eachother.
__________________




Reply With Quote
  #12  
July 17th, 2010, 01:57 AM
Proud Momma
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 3,781
First, how long did you bleed for after the birth? I believe it was about 3 weeks with Katrina.

Second- and I know this will vary as well, for both physical and emotional reasons- how long did you wait before TTC again? We were told to wait 3-6 months. We started TTC 3 months after we lost her.

Third- did your cycles go back to normal relatively quickly? I've never really had normal cycles. They've always been longer than the norm (other than when I was on bc pill).

Fourth- Did you all have services/memorials for your little ones? We had a funeral for Katrina. We had quite a bit of family come see her when she was born and we really wanted to remember her with our families and friends. We also cremated her and buried the majority of her ashes at the cemetery and have the remainder of her ashes in a beautiful little heart-shaped jewelry box at home.

Fifth- did you go to a support group? I did. Both my husband and I went a few times and then I went alone a few times after that. I thought it was very helpful to be able to talk about it to others who have been through similar circumstances. This group of ladies are wonderful to talk to about it online but sometimes it's nice to be able to talk to people in person.

Unfortunately people are always going to say comments that they *think* will help us with our grieving, but in many cases they sometimes make us feel worse or make us more upset. Please come here for support whenever you need to. The ladies here really are awesome and we'd like to get to know you better too!


Last edited by LaLaLa1; July 17th, 2010 at 02:01 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #13  
July 17th, 2010, 08:08 AM
noworries
Guest
Posts: n/a
I can't remember exactly how long I bled, close to 3 weeks I think. My cycles went back to normal quickly. We started TTC as soon as we got word from the peri that the virus that I had that killed him most likely wouldn't be a problem again. We got pregnant again less than 3 months after he was born. We didn't have a service for Eli, we had him cremated and his urn is here at home with us. I went to a support group once but didn't find it very helpful because I found that the other ladies were in a different place than I was and people were there to help themselves, not help me (which is totally understandable). I had a friend who went through a similar experience years earlier and if I ever needed to talk or anything, she was there for me and gave me great advice and understood where I was coming from. That was more help than anything. Also, me and DH talked a lot which was also helpful for me.
Reply With Quote
  #14  
July 17th, 2010, 01:05 PM
SimplyJenalee's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Michigan
Posts: 789
First, how long did you bleed for after the birth? Tessa was full term - I bled around 3 weeks heavy, and spotting for around 2 weeks...so 5 weeks all together.

Second- and I know this will vary as well, for both physical and emotional reasons- how long did you wait before TTC again? OB told me to wait atleast 6 months...but that didn't happen, Tessa was a HUGE suprise 3 months PP.

Third- did your cycles go back to normal relatively quickly? Different for me because I got preg after 3 months but I did not have a period between the two pregnancies.

Fourth- Did you all have services/memorials for your little ones? We didn't until the Spring (she died in December) and we had a small gathering and planted a tree for her.

Fifth- did you go to a support group? What else helped you through this time? went to a support group once and did not like it. This group of ladies helped me a lot, as well as talking with DH, my mom and my best friend.
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #15  
July 17th, 2010, 06:25 PM
austinmommy3's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Austin, TX
Posts: 2,056
I don't remember how long I bled because it has been 13 years since my oldest was born still, but I think it was a bit past two weeks.

I did attend a support group for a very long time, and we are all still very close and went through subsequent pregnancies together. I found it very helpful and there was a group of twelve of us who happened to all start there along the same time, we all continued attending when we became pg again and it was wonderful to have the support. We all were at each others children's' births. We all live in different places now and have a yearly weekend that we all get together and have a memorial for all of our children.
Reply With Quote
  #16  
July 18th, 2010, 11:45 PM
HopefulMommy81's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: California
Posts: 5,640
Thank you again ladies for our responses. The night away at the coast was nice- we had a great time, and even though we got sad a few times (we of course had several instances of parents calling their kids....and several were named Matthew), it was nice- we were able to talk a lot, and not cry quite as much.
__________________

Annalise is hoping to be a big sister on June 28, 2014. Forever missing her big brother, Matthew, stillborn on July 1, 2010.
Reply With Quote
  #17  
July 19th, 2010, 08:26 AM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Littleton, CO
Posts: 43,573
I'm glad you had a nice trip to the coast. I know what you mean about not being treated like a woman who just lost a baby. I mean, you want the world to know, but being treated like you'll break at the slightest thing gets irritating when you're trying to figure out how to make your life feel normal again.

And I've been around parents yelling for a Cora. It hurts.

I bled with Cora for about 3 weeks total, 10 days heavy, 10 days spotting. I started my period at 27 days pp so I had about a week of no bleeding in between. My OB said that since I had be SO sick throughout my whole pregnancy, I HAD to wait at least 3 months. We waited four, due to an insurance issue, and got pregnant on the second try, so there were 5 months between pregnancies. We didn't really have a memorial, no. All of our family lived very far away, so I didn't see the point since nobody would be able to come. My younger sister and my husband's younger sister both came up from Utah to go camping with us and spread Cora's ashes though, so we sort of had a small one. I would have gone to a support group if there had been one in my area, but the town was really small so there wasn't. I would have really liked to have had that though, I felt so alone.
__________________
Thanks to babydoll213 for the siggy! My kids' blog Cora's blog


Reply With Quote
Reply

Topic Tools Search this Topic
Search this Topic:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 05:09 PM.



Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Optimization by vBSEO 3.6.0