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I don't get it


Forum: Stillbirth

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  #1  
July 17th, 2010, 04:34 AM
heathernoel's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Maitland, Florida
Posts: 9,385
Why is it that mourning my sons was such a bad thing? I really am starting to get irate at the fact that I share genes with two of the most hurtful human beings I have ever known of.

My sisters didn't show up at Marshall's service despite telling us they'd be there. Neither acknowledged Jonah. Not even a phone call. Neither has bothered even saying anything about Hannah

My father is going to the cemetary to see Mom with one of my sisters. Instead of her coming here to pick him up, we have to drop him off at a McDonald's.

Am I that horrible of a human being? Why am I not deserving of a little love and compassion from Mom's kids? Why are two little boys, together no longer than a yardstick, that divisive? I wish I wasn't such a pariah.

All I wanted was for them to be acknowledged.
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  #2  
July 17th, 2010, 04:48 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 2,095
I'm sorry, Heather. I really don't understand some people. Compassion should be such a simple thing to have, and yet.... I hope they come around, but if they don't, know that your children are important and deserving of all the love, attention, and acknowledgment in the world, even if your sisters can't pull their heads out.
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  #3  
July 17th, 2010, 02:19 PM
rebeccabaltimore and more's Avatar (rebeccabaltimore)
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 1,842
My guess is that your losses have forced them to start to confront unconscious issues that are overwhelming to them. It's not conscious, they don't even notice the correlation, they just subconsciously correlate your losses to their issues. Once that happens, they feel uncomfortable with your losses (though they don't know why) and they consequently ignore/avoid your grief.

I don't know your family but I'm willing to bet that Marshall and Jonah remind them of your mom's death. If they haven't adequately processed that loss, and they can't get past it, they are likely to avoid things that trigger their undealt with feelings. The loss of other family members, tragically, suddenly may be HUGE triggers for them.

This is not an excuse. It's an explanation. They appropriate response would be for them to push past the pain rather than run away. They are doing what (they think) is easier.

But families aren't supposed to do what is easier for them - they are supposed to help each other. I know each of my losses reminded my mom of her 2 m/c, which btw she never got over, but she was right there in the delivery room when Ethan was born. That's how you do it. But of course, not all of my family members are like that

You can't fix your family, but you can adjust your expectations and they way you interact with them. It took me a LONG time to figure that out. And I still get it wrong.
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  #4  
July 17th, 2010, 02:35 PM
MeganMomof5's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Posts: 11,772
I don't have any words of wisdom Heather, but I just wanted to offer you some (((Hugs)))
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  #5  
July 18th, 2010, 02:22 AM
claire1979's Avatar mummy to a special angel
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: huddersfield, england
Posts: 33,629
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i dont understand it either hunny, i feel bad saying this but what if they were walking in your shoes would they expect it from you? i ve asked myself that question a thousand times. im so sorry x
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  #6  
July 18th, 2010, 10:48 PM
HopefulMommy81's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: California
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I don't know how to explain it either but just sending out
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Annalise is hoping to be a big sister on June 28, 2014. Forever missing her big brother, Matthew, stillborn on July 1, 2010.
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  #7  
July 19th, 2010, 07:18 AM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Littleton, CO
Posts: 43,573
Oh honey, I'm so sorry.

We love you. Like you said to me before, sometimes your friends are better sisters than your biological ones could ever be. I hope that we're that for you.
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