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  #1  
July 21st, 2010, 10:12 PM
HopefulMommy81's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I think I just need to write/vent and I don't know where else to do it....
I went and picked up Matthew's ashes today from the funeral home. I had to go by myself since Jason (DH) wasn't going to be off work until after they closed. DH said we could go another day, but I didn't want Matthew away from us any longer than was needed. I felt like that was almost irrational, but oh well. I thought it was nice that the funeral director we had met with initially came out and gave me a hug and asked about me and Jason- it meant a lot, but of course I started crying as soon as I saw him LOL. We now have his ashes on the entertainment center for now.....not sure where we're going to keep them permanently, but I have cats and dogs and am afraid that they would knock them down so I feel like they're safe there for now.
Oh, and is anyone else here Catholic? I'm just wondering because I had been told that I could have Matthew baptized at birth, no matter what, and I did that. But now the Church is saying that I can't get an official baptismal certificate for Matthew because he hadn't "lived". So um, of course, this was a huge shock and I just said "thank you" to the woman who had to relay this message to me and cried. However, according to Catholicism, life begins at conception....so how did Matthew never live? I know the point of baptism is to take away sins, and obviously Matthew didn't sin, but does a baby that lives for 30 seconds really differ so much from Matthew? OK, sorry, I just had to vent- please don't judge me on this- I just have so little things that are Matthew's and a baptismal certificate was something I really wanted for him. The lady from my Church suggested I make my own...but yeah, that's just not the same, you know?
BTW, I'm really tired and I think I'm rambling, so forgive me, k? I hope everyone is having a good week- today wasn't a good day, but it was OK- I know good days and bad days are going to be intermixed for quite a while. I'm actually excited to go back to work- my first shift is Sunday night so that's good- I just couldn't handle sitting at home by myself anymore. And I live far away from all my family so my co-workers truly are family to me, so being with them I think will really help me as well.
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Annalise is hoping to be a big sister on June 28, 2014. Forever missing her big brother, Matthew, stillborn on July 1, 2010.
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  #2  
July 22nd, 2010, 03:15 AM
heathernoel's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Jonah was baptized at birth, and I have a certificate for him. I am also Catholic.

I'm glad you have him home....my home is not complete without my sons' ashes here. I'm almost ready to bury them, but the emptiness of not having them here is hard to face.
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  #3  
July 22nd, 2010, 05:19 AM
SarahBethsMommy's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I bet that is a priest's decision and not the Church, you know? I'd go and specially talk with your priest and explain why it is important to you to have it. I'd also ask about the belief that life begins at conception. (I'm not Catholic, but I am Christian and we also believe that.) If they are true to their belief, he should get the certificate!

I am glad you have him with you now though!
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  #4  
July 22nd, 2010, 06:53 AM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
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I sort of had my own shock similar. I'm not Catholic, but my church does a blessing (not a baptism) for babies with a certificate that makes them an "official child of record." (my church keeps all kinds of records) Anyway, I wanted a certificate for Cora, so she'd be on the official records as my child, but my church doesn't issue them to stillborn babies. My bishop actually pulled out his big handbook and let me read the official statement, which went along the lines of the church being in place to take care of our temporal needs and our spiritual needs while on earth. Since Cora was not living, she wasn't under the church's care, but under the care of Christ Himself and "He provides all that they need."

I have to admit, I was upset, though the reasoning now makes sense to me. But at that point, I really wanted/needed that certificate, and it really hurt not to get it.

I agree with Beth, though, your case sounds more like the priests decision and I would maybe try to talk to him about it.




I agree, for the most part, about a baby that lived 30 seconds not being different. After all, Beth's Sarah Beth was born at an earlier gestational age than Cora was when she died, and if Sarah Beth was "alive" and had a soul at that point, when Cora was, too, just in a different place.
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Last edited by Brittanie; July 22nd, 2010 at 06:56 AM.
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  #5  
July 22nd, 2010, 09:30 AM
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(((Hugs))) the day I brought Ella's ashes home, it was so bitter sweet...I also didn't have DH with me, but at the same time it felt good to have her home...I don't have any advice for the baptismal certificate...I'm really sorry...I know we have so little of our babies that we cherish every little thing...I fel the same way.
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  #6  
July 22nd, 2010, 01:03 PM
HopefulMommy81's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Thank you, ladies. My favorite priest, the one who helped me so much at the end of my pregnancy, works at the hospital I work at so when he gets back from his vacation (why do all the important people leave on vacation to Europe when I need them???) I will ask him to help me with the certificate. I do understand logically why Matthew didn't "need" to be baptized but I wanted it so if they did it why can't they give me a certificate?
It is nice to have Matthew here with us- I feel closer to him now than when the funeral home had his body/ashes.
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  #7  
July 22nd, 2010, 02:12 PM
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I felt the same way about bringing the ashes home. Even though her little soul was already in heaven, I thought, "She's by herself right now at the funeral home." Of course, that wasn't true, but it was such an emotional time. I was very happy to have her ashes home.
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  #8  
July 22nd, 2010, 03:52 PM
HopefulMommy81's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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That was exactly it....I didn't want him to be alone there any longer than he had to be, and he was supposed to be home with us....and now he is.
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Annalise is hoping to be a big sister on June 28, 2014. Forever missing her big brother, Matthew, stillborn on July 1, 2010.
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  #9  
July 22nd, 2010, 06:27 PM
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I am so sorry you had a bad day. I am glad though that you have his ashes with you now. I also have a certificate for my Makenzie, so I am sure if you talk to the priest you are comfortable with he will help you. My daughter is buried in a family cemetery, and we live a few hours away, so every single little item I have from that day is treasured.
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  #10  
July 22nd, 2010, 10:29 PM
hannah79's Avatar A little bit wicked
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I am sorry that you are having so many problems with the baptismal certificate. We had a few issues with our church during our ordeal. Although my baby was live at birth, we didn't have time to have him baptized. He only lived a few hours and was transported to another hospital where he died. It never occurred to me that maybe someone could have done it after he had passed. We recently asked our church to have a Mass said for our baby. We were told that it wasn't necessary. They told us that since he was already with God, the mass of his intentions would be unnecessary. It still feels like a slap in the face. I understand where the Church is coming from, but sometimes I feel like my child just doesn't get acknowledged.--Sorry for all of the typos-just took the Ambien.
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  #11  
July 23rd, 2010, 08:04 AM
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Clark was born in a Catholic hospital and he was "blessed" but not baptized. I have a blessing certificate.
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  #12  
July 23rd, 2010, 08:55 AM
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Joey was blessed by our priest (he drove an hour to the hospital when Joey was born to visit with us...we love him!) but the priest said he didn't need to be baptized. I hear of other stillborn babies being baptized and it makes me sad that I didn't push harder. I wonder if we could get a blessing certificate of sorts. I'm applying for a Stillbirth Certificate from our state because right now all I have is the Certificate of Fetal Demise...I don't even have it...my dad put it in a file for me, I just couldn't.

We also weren't given a crib card...I wanted one, and asked for one and the nurse sort of brushed it off like "oh we don't give those............................" and changed the subject. I had to ask a bunch of times to get them to write down SOMEWHERE how much he weighed even. I mean, all in all they were great, but I do have some regrets from the day.

In life I've always tried to have the outlook to live like its your last day, meaning don't go to bed angry at anyone, always make things right, be nice, say I love you, etc. But you never think that you are only going to get one day with your child. It was all such a blur....part of me wishes we had come home and been induced the next morning because I would have come online and found lists of things to remember to do. Bathing him, hand prints...i would have brought clothes...Joey didn't wear clothes from us until the funeral director dressed him....but that was supposed to be MY job. *sigh*

I also had those thoughts of Joey alone in the morgue at the hospital...we were glad when we knew he was at the funeral home because it was closer to us. Having him at the cemetary...I have mixed feelings. I go in and out of feeling like "he is alone and cold and I should be holding him". I put him in a fuzzy fuzzy sleeper that was ds1's, had him swaddled in a blanket and also on his chest he had a small real fuzzy blanket that I had made for him. I wanted him to be warm. It just sucks that we had to go through something that gave us thoughts like this.

I'm sorry you are going through this mama....I'm glad Matthew is home with you now. Where he should be.
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  #13  
July 23rd, 2010, 09:32 AM
Sarah:Marie:IVF:Mommy's Avatar Proud mom of Leiland
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I am catholic too and asked for a baptism because she was born alive, and they sent up a Chaplin (not a priest) who said a blessing. It was good enough for me.

My mom had big issues with me cremating Ruth and not burring her ashes. I love God but don't care what the church thinks, Ruth is staying here with me.
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  #14  
July 23rd, 2010, 09:55 AM
hannah79's Avatar A little bit wicked
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^^I don't think there is anything wrong with cremation in the Catholic Church. In fact, our church has a cremations garden where people can bury their loved ones remains.
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  #15  
July 23rd, 2010, 09:57 AM
Sarah:Marie:IVF:Mommy's Avatar Proud mom of Leiland
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Yes the problem isn't with cremation its with keeping the ashes and not burring them
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  #16  
July 23rd, 2010, 10:42 AM
hannah79's Avatar A little bit wicked
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Ahh. gotcha now.
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  #17  
July 23rd, 2010, 11:04 AM
Sarah:Marie:IVF:Mommy's Avatar Proud mom of Leiland
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but like I said I didn't care. We move around a lot and I refuse to bury my daughter in a location I may never be near. So she is here with us
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  #18  
July 23rd, 2010, 11:46 AM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
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I spread Cora's ashes on Jenny Lake in the Grand Teton Mountains and I really wish I could visit there as often as I used to, but I'm too far away now. But I have issues with remains and it bothered me knowing they were in my house, and I hated feeling that way about my daughter.


My point is that you need to do what is good for you, not what your family thinks you should do.
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