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Were you able to prepare?


Forum: Stillbirth

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  #1  
August 10th, 2010, 01:58 PM
AndyBee's Avatar Super Mommy
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A couple weeks ago we were told that our little boy would most likely not survive the pregnancy. At our second opinion last Friday, they confirmed that his abdormalities were fatal. I know that I could lose him at any moment, and want to be prepared.

What advice do you ladies have for us? What should we have, bring, get ready or whatever. I don't want to pass up our one moment to capture everything. I'm currently 20 weeks, and know that little Noah is far too small to fit into any clothing. I just don't know what do do.

I also wanted to thank you. I saw that a link to my story was posted in your forum. It means a great deal to both of us to know complete strangers are praying for our family. You have truly touched my heart.
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  #2  
August 10th, 2010, 02:18 PM
MeganMomof5's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I'm really sorry to hear about your baby boy I'm glad you came here, and I hope we can help you.

I joined this board right when I found out that my little girl was no longer with me, and thanks to the ladies here I was able to prepare before I went to the hospital.

Ella was tiny, born at 22 weeks, but she was the size of an 18-19 week baby...The hospital was good and had a dress and hats, blanket etc for her...I did bring her blanket that I had already bought her, the one I was going to use when she came home from the hospital...I also brought some stuffed animals and toys, and a shirt that I knew that she couldn't wear, but we still put it in pictures with her...I also brought some booties that were already bought for her...Take lots and lots of pictures because they are going to be something you want, and you only have chance to get...Also, don't let anyone rush you and spend as much time with your baby as you want...You'll never get that time back, and even though no parent is ready to hand their baby over, do it when YOU are ready....I'm sorry this is happening to you, and if you need anything please let us know (((Hugs)))
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  #3  
August 10th, 2010, 03:24 PM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
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Take a look at Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep Home - Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep They do free professional photography for families of stillborns and babies who are expected not to live long. I know they have a gestational age limit, though, so you might google to see if there are other photographers in your area who will do it. I wish I had had someone taking pictures who wasn't me or my husband.

Also, something I treasure, is Cora's handprint in clay. A friend of mine brought it to me, and honestly....it proves to me that she was really here.

Also, research your funeral options. A lot of funeral homes will do services and such things for free for infants. It's horrible to have to plan your funeral for your baby, but if you can have it all ready beforehand, you won't have to think about it when you have him in your arms. You can just concentrate on being with him.



I wasn't really able to prepare, we confirmed she had died at about 2pm and I was induced the next morning, so it was all a confused whirlwind of everything happening at once.
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  #4  
August 10th, 2010, 03:54 PM
austinmommy3's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I can't say that even when I got the terrible news regarding any of my pregnancies, I was prepared when it came to pass. I would think every time I was prepared, but not so. You can do particular things like above, but unfortunately nothing can prepare for the heartbreak of that moment. I am so truly sorry about your baby and will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
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  #5  
August 10th, 2010, 03:55 PM
hannah79's Avatar A little bit wicked
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We were able to prepare. We took care of all of our funeral arrangements before hand. We also used Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep. They took some amazing pictures. The hospital understood that we had only a very short time to make a lifetimes worth of memories. They offered many different services from molds to pictures. We took advantage of each one because we didn't want to regret not doing any of it later.
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  #6  
August 10th, 2010, 04:29 PM
MeganMomof5's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I know that my hospital has a special program for mothers of stillborn babies...Maybe you could call and find out ahead of time...They helped me with almost everything, cremation, autopsy etc...Also, I know that your little boy is only at 20 weeks now, and I'm not sure if it's like this for all baby's that aren't born later, but they had a hard time doing foot prints/hand prints on Ella, they got them on paper, but they weren't able to do the actual molds of her hands and feet...Your hospital should have numbers to the nilmdts photographers too, and they will probably contact them for you if you want, and yes I think they like you to be 26 weeks or later for pictures, but they were willing to come for us at 22 weeks.
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  #7  
August 10th, 2010, 05:05 PM
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I am so sorry you are faced with this .

I think taking pictures is the biggest thing. Like Brittanie said, definitely look into NILMDTS - I know some photographers will only take photos after a certain gestation, but definitely something to think about. I truly wished I had known about this when we lost Katrina. But even if you don't use NILMDTS, make sure you bring your own camera. I also regret that we don't have a proper family photo of us together with baby K. We took a lot of footprints and handprints as well.

Unfortunately you'll have to consider burial or cremation arrangements as well and if you're interested in holding a funeral for him - I know for me, having a funeral for Katrina with our families and closest friends brought me some sort of closure.

Because we also knew Katrina wasn't going to survive, I went out and bought some of the tiniest little pink clothes and a blanket for her. She was just before 23 weeks when she was stillborn, so even preemie stuff was too tiny, but after she was born we put her in some of the clothes and wrapped her in the blanket we got for her and took pictures of her in them.

Don't let them rush you at the hospital after he's born. The hospital I was at was really great about this and told us to stay as long as we wanted. We held her in our arms for 10 hours after I gave birth to her. This will be the only time you'll ever get to hold him, so make sure you don't feel rushed into leaving and regret not being able to hold him for even just 10 more minutes.

You may want to find out as well if there are any Baby Loss Support groups out there in your area. This isn't for everyone, but it was very comforting for me to go and talk to others who have gone through similar situations.

I will be keeping you in my thoughts. We are here for you whenever you need us.

I just noticed that your EDD of Dec. 10 is the same due date I had with Katrina in 2008.

Last edited by LaLaLa1; August 10th, 2010 at 05:12 PM.
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  #8  
August 10th, 2010, 08:15 PM
Mega Super Mommy
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I am so sorry you are going through this. There really isn't anything that can prepare you emotionally, but having all the details taken care of before hand will probably be helpful. The things that I treasure from Eva and Declan are our pictures, Declan's foot and hand prints (they didn't do them on Eva), and their baptismal certificates.
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  #9  
August 10th, 2010, 09:26 PM
liz bevan's Avatar Super Mommy
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for me the pictures and foot prints helped me to remember what a beautiful boy we had.
I look at our son's picture often.
I am so sorry you have to go through this.
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  #10  
August 11th, 2010, 01:57 AM
claire1979's Avatar mummy to a special angel
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i really wish i had one of those clay moulding kits so i could have have her prints with clay.

im so sorry about your son hun x
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  #11  
August 11th, 2010, 05:46 AM
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I agree with everything that was said above. I also wanted to mention that if there are any outstanding questions as to what happened or any information they could gather that might help you if you become pregnant again, you will want to ask about that now.

People have had different experiences. My stillbirth was unexplained. My boy was small and we did the autopsy but they didn't do any chromosomal testing.

I didn't know that I could have had them do an amnio before I delivered him. If I had known they would have been able to get more information from that I would have asked for it.
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  #12  
August 11th, 2010, 07:56 AM
Mega Super Mommy
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I'm truly sorry you have to go through this. I agree with everything said above.
I only have one picture of my boy taken by the hospital. This is one of my regrets. I had no time to prepare as we found out at the hospital while I was in labor. Being in a huge state of shock, I had no clue how to deal with the situation. So make sure you take tons of pictures and spend as much time with him as possible.

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  #13  
August 11th, 2010, 08:01 AM
Sarah:Marie:IVF:Mommy's Avatar Proud mom of Leiland
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I am so sorry again for all you have to go through, we all really can understand. My Ruth was born at 21 weeks and the hospital gave us an outfit and blanket. It was just so sweet.

I would suggest you contact now I lay me down to sleep, they can come in and take photos for you. It such a great opportunity.
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  #14  
August 11th, 2010, 11:40 AM
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I can only echo what the other ladies have said. The NILMDTS photographers in my area like the babies to be at least 24 weeks; however my Lucy was only 20 weeks and they agreed to come anyway. I really treasure those picutres I have of her. At first I didn't think I wanted very many, but the sweet photographer knew better than I did and she took several pictures. The hospital did molds of Lucy's hands and feet. When a baby is that young sometimes the molds don't turn out so well, but thankfully the ones we have are perfect and beautiful. I absolutely love those molds. The hospital provided a tiny little dress for her, however I did prefer seeing her not wearing the dress, just wrapped up in a little minkie blanket that my mom made for her. The hospital also gave me a list of funeral homes in the area with pricing for cremation/caskets/etc. Many funeral homes are willing to waive certain fees when dealing with infant deaths. Also think about your birth plan...i.e. what you want to do for pain management, do you want DH to cut the umbilical cord, do you want the hospital staff to wash your son or do you want to do that yourself. Think about these things, and let the staff know your wishes. I had NO plan and felt very overwhelmed by all the questions.

We all feel for you so much. We know that it's excruciating. I will continue to pray for you and your family throughout this difficult time.
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  #15  
August 11th, 2010, 06:54 PM
rebeccabaltimore and more's Avatar (rebeccabaltimore)
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We were able to prepare, we chose to delay the induction over the weekend. We bought burp cloths to use as blankets, and the hospital gave us an outfit. We took many photos, and we asked family who wanted to meet Ethan and arranged all of that. We spent time with as much family as possible, so everyone could say goodbye in his last days of life. We took a belly photo of me. We went to a restaurant that we go to a lot so that he could go too. My dad broke out the most expensive, best scotch he had, because he wanted his grandson to try a little before he left us. And we picked out a name. I also found some grief books that were highly recommended and ordered them. Let me know if you want the names.
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  #16  
August 11th, 2010, 10:29 PM
HopefulMommy81's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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First of all, I am so sorry you have to go through this. I remember when your post was on here and my heart broke for you and your family then and I have been wondering how you've been doing. I think pictures, like the other ladies said, are the best thing we have from Matthew's birth. I wish I had thought about the clay footprint idea though- we knew Matthew's condition was lethal but I had been waiting and didn't want to be induced but ended up having to be and only had less than 24 hour notice so wasn't really thinking clearly. We brought our own camera- I had researched NILMDTS but didn't have a chance to call them, and also, it was a very private tiem for us and we didn't want other people there. DH and I are the only ones who met him, in addition to my nurse (who took pictures for us) and several doctors as well as a woman from a local support group here. I would research if there are support groups for infant loss/stillbirth near you. My friend stopped by this organization on her way to see me when I was admitted and we had a gown, blanket, teddy bear, hat, and grief literature from them. I'm not sure if you've done this- most women take lots of "belly pictures" throughout their pregnancy but before Matthew I had had two very early losses and I was nervous the whole time so I didn't take any- that's honestly such a HUGE regret for me. I wish I had more pregnant pictures. We hadn't been able to find out his gender ever because of the lack of lfuid, so we hadnt bought him anything yet. Also, I don't know if you are associated with any religion, but I had Matthew baptized. I knew he didn't need to be (he was stillborn and obviously hadn't sinned and never would) but it was important to me. I would try to arrange this beforehand if possible- I had tried but circumstances made things change and now we're having issues with getting the certificate. Are they planning on doing any tests after your baby is born? We had chromosomal tests and an autopsy done on Matthew and because of that, we had a limited time with him. I wish we had taken more pictures during that time but we held him the whole time and I will treasure that time forever. We hadn't thought about final arrangements at all beforehand and that was overwhelming afterwards- my poor DH had to call around looking for cremation services. We didn't have a funeral/service yet- we're planning on having something at our house in October around his due date.
I hope all of this information helps you. I will be praying for you, your little boy, and your family. Please PM me if you need ANYTHING and we are all here to support you. BTW, if you have facebook and need anything, I'm Jacque Davidson.
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  #17  
August 12th, 2010, 10:06 AM
AndyBee's Avatar Super Mommy
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Thank you so much ladies. You have given me so many wonderful ideas. I've been able to go out and get many of the items that I want present, and have contacted NILMTS. I guess for now we are just playing the waiting game. My doctor gave me surprising news, and honestly I don't know how I feel about it. She said that even though his condition is fatal, it is really only fatal outside the womb. She told me that if I don't induce, there is a possibility I could still carry full term. I just don't know if I could handle that. 19 more weeks of carrying a baby I know can't survive. But then again, that 19 more weeks of carrying and holding my little one. She said there is a chance, a very small chance that he may actual be born living, possibly up to a week. So even though it seems impossible for me to keep going with this pregancy, I have to try to get those precious moments.

Thank you again for your support.
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  #18  
August 12th, 2010, 12:41 PM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
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That's got to be so hard. As much as it was a shock for me, I am grateful I got to be pregnant with her as long as I was. We'll be here for you, okay, whatever happens.
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  #19  
August 12th, 2010, 04:39 PM
heathernoel's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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It's taken me a day to gather my thoughts in some coherent fashion.

First, my sincerest apologies. I would lay my life down so that you don't have to go through this.

Yes, I was able to prepare. Our first son was already passed when we had to deliver. I didn't prepare well because I didn't know what to prepare for. However, we were quite prepared the second time around.

The ladies here have given you the best advice...it is the advice I got when we delivered Jonah. The pictures, feet prints, hand prints...and mostly, knowing that yo are in charge of the delivery. Pictures, time with him...those are yours.

I could have continued to carry Jonah (at risk to my health, which was declining) but was not strong enough to do so. I saw him suffering, and I was suffering. My husband and dr. asked me to consider the risks to my health and compare it to the needs of my three earthly children...we induced labor. It's taken me a long time to internalize those wise words given to me by a dear friend: I didn't choose if...I had to decide when.

WIth both boys, I was never pushed out of the hospital room. I held them, kissed them, napped with them, and cried over them. I memorized every groove of their bodies and every little toe and finger.

What sucks is having to say goodbye. But those memories are forever mind.

I wish you peace, and welcome to our humble corner of JM.
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  #20  
August 12th, 2010, 05:09 PM
HopefulMommy81's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Andybee,
I was given similar news to you I think- I was told I could continue my pregnancy until an infection started or I went into labor (I had probably broken my water around 17 1/2 weeks) so I went until 23 weeks and then had a fever and passed a few clots and they told me that it was time. I had been agnonizing over how long to go into the pregnancy- I wantd to give Matthew the best chance I could, but I also knew the longer I waited the harder it was going to be on all of us. Now I don't know your particular situation very well but in my situation, Matthew had possibly not been comfortable anymore due to not having amniotic fluid. Obviously, nobody can know for sure, but he hadn't changed positions in over a week. Whatever you choose, we're here, and no choice is a good choice because they inevitably will end with you losing your precious little boy, but just choose what you feel best with, if that makes sense. I wish I had prepared before then, but I was so hoping for that miracle to happen so I think I was in denial for a long time. Prepare for all of the stages of grief- and know we are here for you no matter what.
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Annalise is hoping to be a big sister on June 28, 2014. Forever missing her big brother, Matthew, stillborn on July 1, 2010.
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