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Tomorrow is Elijah's funeral (updated)

Forum: Stillbirth


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October 4th, 2010, 04:50 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: The Heart of Rural England
Posts: 1,310
And it's breaking my heart so badly. I don't want to say goodbye again yet can't wait to be in his presence again.

I ordered flowers for his coffin since there are so many rules about mementos and things there. It seems surreal to say coffin and I can't believe my baby boy will be in there. I just want to hold him and protect him.

I need so much strength from God to get through. Mick is taking me and the kids out after for some retail therapy because he has a meeting with a lawyer because he was let go from his job unfairly. At least I have him home right now and I really don't want to come home to an empty house nor do I want to entertain so instead I will spoil my children.

I miss him so much it hurts


Yesterday was so hard but the service was beautiful. I was so worried about leaving his arrangements to the hospital but there wasn't anything I would change. There were 4 babies there and several times they read all their full names out, I loved hearing his name. My husband carried him from the chapel to the car and them I carried him from the car to his final resting place and kissed him one more time. His casket was gorgeous and they had a plaque with his name and details on it and then there is a metal plaque that sticks in the ground at his casket. They put 16 babies per plot and it gives me happiness to know he is with other babies. All 4 were boys. My cup runneth over with the care and thought into the care of these babies.

Last edited by PameŁa; October 6th, 2010 at 07:20 AM.
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October 4th, 2010, 08:14 PM
Super Mommy
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: CT
Posts: 982
I remember feeling something similar when we buried Joey. We had spent 6 hours with him at the hospital and the hardest thing we had to do ever was to say goodbye. I couldn't imagine having to do it again. And part of me wouldn't believe it was him in that coffin unless I saw him. We were so unsure as to whether to have our funeral director leave the coffin open (it was a vault too, so once it was closed that was it). We didn't know if we had it in us to see him again especially several days after he had died (6 actually) we didn't know how he would look. The funeral director told us that infant restoration can be difficult. So the night before his funeral the wife called us and said that Joey looked fine and would we like to leave the casket open just in case we wanted to see him again. I cried on the phone with my mom for 2 hours. I didn't know. Like you said I thought seeing him again would be MORE painful, but like I mentioned, I wanted to make sure it was really him in there...otherwise I might not be able to make the connection and have proper closure.

We did leave it open and I touched my baby boy for about 30 minutes, just resting my hands on him, feeling the little piece of skin on his chest that was exposed above his sleeper. He was still wearing the hat he'd had on the day in the hospital. I left the room when it was time to close it...that I couldn't watch. But you know what? It wasn't as difficult as I thought it would be. Saying goodbye in the hospital, actually handing him over to the nurse knowing I would never hold him again was way worse. What was hard was watching my dh carry the casket. For the little ones they don't dig the grave as deep nor do they have the equipment to lower something so small so dh actually got in the ground and put the coffin in the grave. As hard as it was to give birth to Joey, I can't even imagine doing what dh did. All he said was that he had to do everything he could possibly do to be a dad to Joey.

And what you are doing, spoiling your living kids...totally appropriate. I say all the time that if Jamie and Felicity ever get tired of the attention or hugs and kisses I give them its too bad because I'm loving them for them, but also for their brother. You can honor Elijah by being with your living kids and giving them your all. Elijah is safe with God...right now it is your job to take care of the ones with you.

Sorry if this was long...and about my story...sometimes I feel like the only way to let people know they are not alone is to share what I went through. But you are not alone. Draw strength from us, draw strength from the people who will come to show their love for you and your son. Draw strength from God. And let Elijah make a home in your heart, he, too, will give you strength.
Married to my best friend Tom since 2004 (together since 1999)
Mommy to two little boys:
Jamie ~ 7-12-04 ~ fun, crazy, transformer loving tough-guy mama's boy
Joey ~ 4-4-09 ~ born sleeping ~ held under my heart for 40wk1d, in my arms for just 6 short hours but he will be in my heart forever
And finally holding my little girl,Felicity Rose, Born into Daddy's loving hands on June 9, 2010

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October 5th, 2010, 12:26 AM
Proud Momma
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 3,781
I am so sorry hun I hope the day is gentle on you.

This brought back some very vivid memories of Katrina's funeral.
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October 5th, 2010, 12:31 AM
claire1979's Avatar mummy to a special angel
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: huddersfield, england
Posts: 33,629
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aww hun i hope it goes as gentle as it can for you (())

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October 5th, 2010, 07:20 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 2,705
Funerals can be extremely emotionally draining, but I hope it gives you some peace. Lucy's funeral was both the most heartbreaking and most healing day for me.

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