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i need your help ladies (long)


Forum: Stillbirth

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  #1  
October 8th, 2010, 09:15 PM
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Join Date: Oct 2009
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Hi girls. My name is Charli, I am not new to JM, but I have a new username now because it had been so long and I have forgotten my old password. Anyhow, a situation arose in my life today and I needed some guidance, and i know JM is home to such inspiring women, so i came right here right away.

My sister lost a little girl last night @ 20 weeks. she does not want to talk to me or anyone else right now, and will only talk to my mom, which i COMPLETELY understand. i just want to know what i am supposed to do and what i am not supposed to do, ladies. my sister and i are very very close. i want her to know that i am here when she is ready, but i do NOT want to pressure her by trying to talk. i also dont want her to think that i dont care or am not that concerned if i do not try. is it ok to send her flowers ladies? and if so, what should my note say? she was always there for me with my three miscarriages. i do not want her to think i will not be there for her.

i am also concerned there is some sort of malpratice involved in my sisters story. this story is going to seem unbelieveable i think, and trust me,it has been a true whirlwind. you see, we didnt even know about *Mia* until TUesday. my sister has had her period the whole time, and she did not know she was pregnant. she is bipolar and was recently put on a new med. she attributed weight gain and "gas" (baby movement) to the meds. seeing as she had her "period" she never thought anything of it. she told me after she found out that she had to admit there was a time or two where she would say to herself "if i didnt know any better, i would think i was pregnant", especially considering she has 2 other kids. it took alot of medical assistance for her to have her last son, she has alot of issues with her reproductive organs, and they told her he would most likely be her last. little did she know 7 years later that would change even though she thought she was done having children. so anyway, something just wasnt right so she finally went in to her general practioner. of course they gave her a pregnancy test, and it was positive. HUGE SHOCK. then i guess they felt around, fundal height, etc. and come to guess she is at least 3-5 months along. HUGE SHOCK #2! she called us to let us know the news and we were soooooo surprised! we thought this only existed on tv shows, haha! she was literally in shock but i was so excited for her and we talked for hours about how i would give her all of my daughters stuff i had saved if it was a girl and everything would be ok and we will get everything she needs. she told me how embarassed she was at the dr's for not knowing! she tells me the ultrasound is scheduled for the next day, and they plan on telling her exactly how far along she was, AND of course we knew this meant we would find out the gender! i prayed all night that the baby was doing ok despite not knowing about her. the next day i waited for her phone call all day. when she finally called she told me the ultrasound tech said everything looked great and the baby was a GIRL! she said the precious baby was measuring at 19 weeks and 6 days. WOW! she proceeded to tell me that at one point during the ultrasound, the tech goes "uh oh what is this?" and then asked if she had any family problems with the gall bladder, and also when the last time she ate and drank was. my sister told her we didnt have a family history, and that she had eaten and drank right before she came. my sister was then worried something was wrong with her gall bladder, and i reassured her that i was sure it would be fine and alot of people have minor gall bladder issues and if all else fails it can come out. but the main thing was that the BABY GIRL looked great after not knowing she was even there for almost half of the pregnancy and even after the "period" or bleeding every month. she had an appointment to go back the next day and get the full ultrasound results read by the dr. (keep in mind that this is still a GENERAL PRACTIONER, she was NEVER referred to an OB, which i find wrong). well, she went in and the news was not good at all. apparently this tech was full of misinformation or was straight up lying that everything looked good. the dr informed my sister that there was little to no fluid around the baby, and that the placenta was pulling away. he told her the pregnancy was not viable, and that she could go to the hospital for a D and C or....get this.....she could go home and have the baby. WHAT?! EXCUSE ME?! does this sound right to you AT ALL? well i was appalled. upon hearing this i told my sister that she needed to go to the hospital and see an OBGYN and get a second opinion on everything. this GENERAL PRACTIONER didnt know what the hell he was talking about. how can you tell someone to go deliver a 20 week old baby at home, so non chalantly? not to mention, why the hell did this tech tell her everything looked ok and worry her about a gall bladder issue when obviously it was a fluid issue, and why did they send her home insted of refering her or calling the dr in to tell her then? well my sister said she was going to go to the hospital the next day. at this point she was already a wreck, who wouldnt be. well that night, she began to have contractions. and the rest of the story comes from my mom...she said my sister woke up in a lot of blood, and having pain. she went and sat on the toilet to clean herself up, and there my neice was born. she called the hospital to see what she should do, they told her to bring her in. There, she met with a preist who preformed a small ceremony and she named her precious little girl Mia. Then they buried her on site at the hospital where they have a place especially for angels like her. my mom said my sister is beyond devasted and inconsolible. i hope she knows how much i care and that if i could take her pain away i would at this very second. i hate that this happened. i hate that she will have to miss her daughter, and that she will have to deal with this every day of her life. my mind is racing, and i find it unfathomable that this sweet baby girl hung on for 20 weeks and the day after her mommy finally found out she was there, she had to go. how is this possible, such a coincidence...i mean the day after? i suppose i will never truly understand why it happened this way.
all in all girls, i just want to know what i should be doing. my sister is my best friend, and i know she will reach for me when she is ready, and i will be waiting. do you think flowers or a bad idea? if i dont, will she think my heart doesnt ache for her? thanks in advance for listening.
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  #2  
October 8th, 2010, 09:35 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 2,705
I am very sorry for your family's loss. Sending something would be a nice, non-invasive gesture, but most ladies around here don't recommend flowers. Flowers die and it reminds us of our little one's that died. I think it would be appropriate to tell her in a card that you are willing to be there for her whenever she is ready. Give her as much space as she needs, and when she is ready for it give her as much support as she needs. This is not likely something that she will just bounce back from in a month or two, so be patient and understanding with her.

Obviously I don't know all the circumstances surrounding Mia's death, but it does not sound like something which was preventable and not likely due to malpractice...but I disagree with only giving someone the option between a d&c and delivering at home at 20 weeks. That seems outrageous. She should have been admitted to the hospital for labor and delivery.
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  #3  
October 8th, 2010, 10:12 PM
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 4
Elsa- i am so appreciative of your response and point of view. thank goodness you pointed out that flowers were not the best choice, and i can understand why. i would never forgive myself if i messed up in that way. i am going to follow your advice and go with a card.
bringing up malpractice was probably a bad choice of words. it is not my intent to go after the dr. i just wanted to know if it is normal to handle the situation how it was handled, and i guess i am just angry that he didnt try to offer a better solution like you said, send her to L&D right away. it seemed just seems so wrong to me the way things ultimately happened, Mia should not have to have been born early at all, let alone in a bathroom. thank you again, i appreciate it more than you know.
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  #4  
October 9th, 2010, 12:21 AM
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 3,781
I am so very sorry for your sister's loss

Personally I liked getting flowers after K passed away, but Elsa does make a good point. Cards were a very nice gesture and like Elsa said, you can write a little something to show her how much you care and how much you are and will be there for her.

I agree that the Dr's could have offered a better option - such as be admitted to L&D. That must've been so scary and extremely difficult for your sister to deliver her little girl at home like that.

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  #5  
October 9th, 2010, 01:34 AM
claire1979's Avatar mummy to a special angel
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awww im so very sorry for your sisters loss, you seem to be a wondeful sister to care so much.
i didnt mind flowers but totaly understand elsa's post also, a beautiful card showing you care will mean the world. or a tree or plant she can plant in her garden
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  #6  
October 9th, 2010, 10:55 AM
Missing's Avatar Regular
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 89
I just jumped over here for a few from the miscarriage board, but I wanted to add my two cents, if that's okay. I agree with the flowers, but there are LOTS of other things you can send. I have a stuffed monkey for my baby, she might like a teddy bear or something else to cuddle with and hug, I still sleep with the baby's monkey. Food is always a good idea but since she might not be up for company, you might send her her favorite delivery food? I also have a bracelet, you can find many that you can put her name on with birthstones, etc. Think up something personal for her, that she would like, it will help a bunch!
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  #7  
October 9th, 2010, 11:01 AM
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^ she makes a very good point and I'm kind of upset with myself that I didn't say this as well.

My mom gave me these 2 little pink stuffed doggies right before I gave birth to K. And my sister gave me this little teddy bear figurine that says "Our Sweet Angel" on it. I put them on display in Katrina's little "area" of our house since she was born over 2 years ago - and I see them every morning and every night and they remind me that even though my first baby may not be here with me, that my family didn't forget about her. My SIL got me a little baby sized necklace that I put around the neck of one of the stuffed doggies.
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  #8  
October 9th, 2010, 11:16 AM
Missing's Avatar Regular
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 89
Here is an online store that has a variety of things at a variety of prices. Hopefully it will help!! You are a wonderful person for being there for her through this! My heart goes out to your whole family!
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  #9  
October 9th, 2010, 01:39 PM
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Join Date: Oct 2009
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i want each one of you to know how much i am sincerely thankful for your repsonses! and for your extremely kind words. i am really loving the ideas of a stuffed animal to cuddle with or a personalized bracelet or necklace or something like it. my biggest wish is that she knows that i (and the rest of our family) recognize Mia as a crucial part of our family, one that we will NEVER forget although she can not be with us. i know i love seeing her name written/typed out already, im sure my sister would problably love to have a momentum with her name on it. Missing- i dont see a link to the website you are talking about! i would love to check it out!
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  #10  
October 9th, 2010, 01:41 PM
Missing's Avatar Regular
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 89
... sorry, I guess I totally forgot to add it. Here it is!
Remembering Our Babies, Pregnancy Loss Support, Official Site of Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day October 15th
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  #11  
October 9th, 2010, 01:43 PM
rebeccabaltimore and more's Avatar (rebeccabaltimore)
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I am so sorry for your sister's loss, and for your loss as an aunt. My oldest son Ethan died at around the same time (18 weeks) for the same reason - no amniotic fluid. What I can tell you that at that stage of pregnancy, low or no amniotic fluid means that something is very wrong, and given that your sister's placenta was pulling away and that she was bleeding (probably as a result), my best (non-doctor) guess is that the lack of fluid was due to placental insufficiency. (My son's lack of fluid was due to kidney insufficiency).

That being said, your GP was wrong to send her home. If he placenta was detaching she was experiencing partial placental abruption, and had it fully abrupted she could have bled to death before an ambulance could have gotten there. And even though that did not occur, she still has to live with the emotional trauma of delivering unexpectedly at home.

I think a card would be nice. Flowers are nice too, though they do die, so a flowering plant that she could put in her yard might be nice. I have a fern from my aunt that is a memorial to Ethan.

Your sister would probably also benefit from support from other moms in her situation. I would be happy to give you my contact info, and I have a friend who also delivered unexpectedly, at home and in the bathroom, so she may be able to help support your sister with this experience. In addition, I too am bipolar and was medicated through both my pregnancies, so I may be able to give her some support for that too.

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  #12  
October 9th, 2010, 02:07 PM
lunarmagic's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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That is so very difficult, especially with her just coming to terms with the shock of being pregnant. Giving birth at home must have been very traumatic - not that a baby's death is ever easy, but I think she could have had a much more peaceful birth at the hospital with nurses there to help her through it. It is terrible that they sent her home, knowing the eventual outcome.

The other girls have all given great suggestions. I got both a necklace and a stuffed animal from friends, and both were very very important to me. Cards and notes are always good, too, letting her know that you care and are always there for her when she needs you.
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  #13  
October 9th, 2010, 02:09 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by britbert View Post
my biggest wish is that she knows that i (and the rest of our family) recognize Mia as a crucial part of our family, one that we will NEVER forget although she can not be with us. i know i love seeing her name written/typed out already, im sure my sister would problably love to have a momentum with her name on it.
Seems like you are a wonderful sister! It means SO much to me when people other than DH and I recognize my stillborn daughter as a part of our family. I suspect that your sister will appreciate your love for Mia more than you know.
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  #14  
October 9th, 2010, 02:47 PM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
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Elsa is very right. Knowing that her aunt loves her as much as she does as the mother...it helps.

I still have every single one of the cards I was sent. A friend sent me a bracelet with Cora's name on it, and it's around the paw of a stuffed bear I have. They mean so much.

When she gets to the point when she is willing to talk...use Mia's name. It seems such a simple thing, but it really helps to feel like your child is viewed as a person.

I'm sorry for your sister and for you and your family.
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  #15  
October 9th, 2010, 02:56 PM
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ladies im overwhelmed with your support for my sister and my neice and myself. you have such caring hearts. rebeccabaltimore and more- thank you SO much for sharing the story of your son Ethan with me. you shed some important light on the situation, it sounds like your theory with the placental abruption is probably right. if this dr. had advised my sister to go home and she would have bled to death, i shudder to think what i would have done. the actual outcome was horrible enough. i just knew something was wrong with what he advised. and like i said, Mia and her mommy deserved a hospital birth at least. the night i spoke to her and she told me he said she could have her at home...i will never forget the fear in my sisters voice when she asked me "what will i do with her when she comes if i am at home?". it makes my stomach hurt. i wish i would have pushed her to go to the hospital right then. coulda woulda shoulda, i guess. rebecca- i would also LOVE to give my sister your information for someone to talk to when she is ready. that would be awesome. it goes without saying that i am extremely worried how she will go on after this, especially with her being bipolar (many trying times have stemmed from this in the past). i think about this every second. i think it would be wonderful for her to be able to talk with you when she is ready, thanks a million times over for offering your help.
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  #16  
October 9th, 2010, 04:53 PM
NutMeg76's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I am so sorry your family is going through this, it really stinks!

I don't have any stuffed animals from Colm, but I do have a blanket- I slept with that blanket everyday for a long, long time after I lost him. I think maybe a snugglie 'lovey' type blanket with Mia embroidered on it might be nice.
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