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Upset on behalf of a friend


Forum: Stillbirth

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  #1  
October 19th, 2010, 01:01 PM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Littleton, CO
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I have a dear friend who is also a baby loss mom. Her little boy, Brian Emerson, died in January of 2008 at 21 weeks gestation (I think). She doesn't talk about him often, but she and I are able to talk about him because we both understand. I understand that not everyone can be as open as I am. I've always been a fairly outspoken person.

Anyway, she's pregnant with a little boy again, and they're having a really hard time naming him. She asked for suggestions today on a facebook status, and another friend of hers whom I don't know suggested the name Brian.

It was a kick in the gut for me. I can only imagine how it would feel for her. I'd be really upset if I asked for names and someone suggested Cora.

I'm hoping her friend just doesn't know. But if she does and suggested it...that's just heartless.
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Last edited by Brittanie; October 19th, 2010 at 01:03 PM.
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  #2  
October 19th, 2010, 03:05 PM
lunarmagic's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Oh dear, I hope that friend doesn't know that the son she lost was named Brian? Because if they knew, that is just heartless.
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  #3  
October 19th, 2010, 06:29 PM
AndyBee's Avatar Super Mommy
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I just recently read a grief/loss book that mentioned how some families name their subsequent children after the one they lost. They do it to honor the lost child. Personally, I found it off putting, and it appears that you ladies do as well. But perhaps, if her friend did know, she just might have thought it would be a nice tribute to dear little Brian Emerson. I just pray that your friend is doing alright. That must have been a kick in her gut too.
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  #4  
October 19th, 2010, 10:50 PM
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I know of a lot of cultures that will use the name of a deceased child for a subsequent child of the same gender as a way of honor the one that died. I think it's probably not an appropriate suggestion for a casual friend to make, but I don't think it's heartless.
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  #5  
October 19th, 2010, 11:32 PM
claire1979's Avatar mummy to a special angel
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aww im so sorry for your friend hun. but yeah i hope she just didnt know.
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  #6  
October 20th, 2010, 08:39 AM
noworries
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I could understand using it as a middle name to honor her son she already had but why would she name another son Brian when she already has a son named Brian. I really hope that friend of hers just didn't know. But we all know that people say stupid things when they are trying to be helpful after the death of a child.
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  #7  
October 21st, 2010, 04:26 AM
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I'm hoping she doesn't know his name and that's why.

but naming a child in any instance is a choice made by the parents. I would never name my children after my losses as a first name but my daughter is named after our first loss, Gabriella Morgan. We lost Morgan at 12 weeks and feel that we would never have had Gabriella had we not lost Morgan so it was important to us to honor him and know how special he was and to do the same for Gabriella.
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  #8  
October 21st, 2010, 08:03 AM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
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Yeah, if a parent wants to do it, I get that. But I wouldn't ever suggest it, kwim? I have known other ladies who have given rainbow babies their lost siblings' middle names, because they wanted to. But for someone else to suggest it, and in an offhand way, it just would make me feel like his existence was being erased.

My mother was given her stillborn brother's name as a middle name (Lynn).

I'm not going to give any of my children Cora's names, but I think that's because I'm going to give my next daughter my stillborn sister's name. But I was given my dad's younger sister's name as a middle name, so I feel the need to honor Bethany. (Her middle name is Reine, and I plan to use that). I really hope that one of my children use Cora's name. But I feel...I wouldn't do it if she were alive. So I'm not going to do it now.
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  #9  
October 21st, 2010, 09:28 AM
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Brittanie, I love those names and I think it's sweet you hope your children use the name. Cora is such a beautiful name.

I do agree about not using them as a first name, totally get that. I couldn't name another of my children Elijah. Not that we're having any more.
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  #10  
October 21st, 2010, 08:27 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Brittanie View Post
Yeah, if a parent wants to do it, I get that. But I wouldn't ever suggest it, kwim?
I agree.
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  #11  
October 23rd, 2010, 03:25 PM
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Brittanie, I just reread my reply and what I wrote came out all wrong. I was saying the parents choice for your friend because of the suggestion not as a general statement and I think the way I worded it looked harsh and stupid.

I'm so sorry about that
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