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  #1  
October 19th, 2010, 06:53 PM
AndyBee's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Gresham, OR
Posts: 692
I knew this was going to happen. They told us months ago that our baby wouldn't survive. But I just couldn't accept it. I refused to terminate, he was so very happy and healthy inside of me. Each ultrasound showed him moving around, and he had such a strong heartbeat. They kept assuring me that even if he made it to term, he would not survive mere moments in this world. But I still refused to let them take him from me.

Our last ultrasound at 29 weeks showed his head was measuring full term due to the swelling, and he was breach. If I didn't deliver soon, we would be forced into a cesarean. I still fought, longing for every moment with him, but eventually caved when the grotesque possibilities of waiting were explained. They told me how he could be severely damaged just by the birthing process, and the very thought of what could be horrified me.

I hate that I chose to induce. Absolutely hate it. I feel like I failed him. Little Noah was so happy, dancing to music, loving hot wings, and just giving me all the love thump thumps I could ask for. But when we induced, it was too much for him. He passed before I even started pushing. I know that it was more peaceful for him that way. He didn't have to suffer outside.

But I am just haunted with all the what ifs. He looked so healthy, with the exception of the swelling in the brain, and enlarged kidneys, he looked absolutely perfect. How do I know that he couldn't have survived had I given him those extra weeks? Maybe they could have done something, anything to save him...

I so badly want to do it all over again. I want to tell them no, no I will not induce. We will wait. Wait and see. If I need a c-section then fine. Yes, he has a genetic disorder that has been 100% fatal within moments of birth. But who is to say that he couldn't have been the first to survive? Maybe he could have, but now there is no chance of that. He is gone.
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  #2  
October 19th, 2010, 08:01 PM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Littleton, CO
Posts: 43,573
Oh honey I am so very sorry.



I've rewritten this 3 different times, and I can't put what I want to say into words. So I'll just leave it at that. I'm sorry little Noah couldn't stay with you.
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  #3  
October 19th, 2010, 10:55 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 2,705
I'm so sorry sweetheart. I can't imagine your pain right now. I'm sorry that you had to be faced with that decision and I hope that in time you can have peace. You have done nothing wrong.
Again I am so very sorry for the loss of your son Noah. It is clear how much you love him.
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  #4  
October 19th, 2010, 11:30 PM
claire1979's Avatar mummy to a special angel
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awww hun im so so sorry, i wish there was something i could say to help.

precious floaty kisses to noah

we are here whenever u need us x
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  #5  
October 20th, 2010, 05:27 AM
SarahBethsMommy's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 4,847
Oh, I'm so very sorry for your loss! Questioning yourself is something every one of us on this board have done at one time or another. Even those of us who had no choice to make. It is natural and no matter what you did your feelings would be the same right now. So grieve however you need to grieve! We're here to listen when you need it.
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  #6  
October 20th, 2010, 08:36 AM
noworries
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Oh honey, I am so sorry that your precious Noah couldn't stay with you. Like Beth said, each one of us has questioned ourselves whether we had a decision to make or not. Just know that you are not at fault. Take time and let yourself grieve.
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  #7  
October 20th, 2010, 11:08 PM
Proud Momma
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 3,781
I am so very sorry for your loss and for the pain you are going through right now

Unfortunately I know all too well about those "what ifs". Katrina looked absolutely beyond perfect on the outside and it haunted me for a long time after she passed as I kept questioning myself whether we made the right decision. Deep down though I know we did because I know she would have suffered immensely had she survived. And I would not have been able to live with myself knowing that I had brought her into this world only to be in pain and to probably pass away a painful death rather than die peacefully like I know she did.

If you need to talk, please feel free to PM me.

Last edited by LaLaLa1; October 20th, 2010 at 11:13 PM.
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  #8  
October 21st, 2010, 04:18 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: The Heart of Rural England
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My heart is breaking with you hun. I'm so sorry.
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  #9  
October 21st, 2010, 07:52 AM
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: New England
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I'm so very sorry for your loss.

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  #10  
October 22nd, 2010, 04:03 PM
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Location: DEWITT MICHIGAN
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So Sorry Hun! You just have to believe that you made the right choice and that little Noah is not suffering!
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  #11  
November 8th, 2010, 12:13 PM
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I am sorry for the loss of Noah. It is always hard to wonder what if. But you had him for a special time and he will always be with you. Hugs....

Melissa
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  #12  
November 9th, 2010, 12:23 PM
Fluffy Baby's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: SW FL
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I am sorry for your loss. I have those what if questions too. I might have waited to long to ok a c/s. I was being stubborn and wanted a VBAC. My son passed while I was waiting to go into labor. With my next pregnancy I found out I have a condition that rejects babies if they have a different blood type than me if you wait to long to deliver. I still think that if I had my c/s he would be here today. I live with that guilt everyday. I know how you feel. Time will make it easier. I hate when people tell me "things happen for a reason" about Dominic, but I truely believe it. I hope you the best and give yourself time to grieve. We are here if you need to talk.
LeAnn
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Rest In Peace Jennifer <3



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  #13  
November 12th, 2010, 07:46 AM
Ben,Logan&Kaitlin'sMommy's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I am so sorry hun that you lost your beautiful Noah
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