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Forum: Stillbirth

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  #1  
December 25th, 2010, 04:40 PM
Ben,Logan&Kaitlin'sMommy's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I started an album on facebook ( don't go looking for it - only I can see it) that has my positive pregnancy test in it and a picture of me at 4 weeks 2 days gestation and when I announce my pregnancy on facebook I will open up the folder.

the album is called "baby number 4"

my friend said to me shouldn't it be three....and I said no four, Rebecca, Benjamin, Logan & This one - I am not counting my two miscarriages - but babies that I delivered and had for a longer period of time (not saying a miscarriage is any different just they weren't named) -

Should I be upset that I put 4 and she didn't understand - that she said she didn't really count cause she wasn't here? It upset me a lot and my husband said well honey not everyone looks at it the same way you do with Rebecca. And for once my mom was on my side.

What do you think?
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Rebecca Lee Stillborn 10-30-03
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  #2  
December 25th, 2010, 06:03 PM
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I admit I'd be pretty pissed. Not just upset. I hate when people purposely pretend my daughter didn't exist. And if it's a friend they shouldn't be able to claim they 'don't know better'
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  #3  
December 25th, 2010, 06:04 PM
Ben,Logan&Kaitlin'sMommy's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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what irks me the most in this situation
is her cousin was stillborn
so even though he isn't here he still exists!

this still doesn't sit well with me
she changed the topic...
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Rebecca Lee Stillborn 10-30-03
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  #4  
December 25th, 2010, 06:06 PM
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  #5  
December 25th, 2010, 07:13 PM
rebeccabaltimore and more's Avatar (rebeccabaltimore)
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I don't count my miscarriages either, but NOBODY discounts Ethan. It is not permitted, and I will not hesitate to correct them.

I have TWO sons.
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  #6  
December 25th, 2010, 09:21 PM
lunarmagic's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I admit I'm a little less touchy about this subject than many women, but I completely understand why you are upset! I can understand people kind of forgetting (kind of), but I do NOT understand people continuing to argue it after you point it out. In my opinion it's the mother who gets to decide how they want to count, and that should be respected. I would be pretty ticked off that she inferred or said that she doesn't count! Ummmm, she most certainly does. I think that is very hurtful.
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  #7  
December 25th, 2010, 11:47 PM
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I would be disappointed for sure that a) someone would question it and b) then argue it with me after I explained my reasoning. Your babies, your choice...period.
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  #8  
December 26th, 2010, 06:47 AM
Ben,Logan&Kaitlin'sMommy's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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ARGH!
why did I have to reopen this conversation this morning

now I am in tears again

People don't ******* get it!
and I am so upset!
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  #9  
December 26th, 2010, 08:08 AM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
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oh honey. I've gotten congratulated a lot on Baby #3, and it really is frustrating. Cora is and always will be #1. PATRICK is #3. ((I even made a blog post about it!))


I've not had anyone argue with me about it though. That "friend" needs to be kicked.

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  #10  
December 26th, 2010, 04:21 PM
Ben,Logan&Kaitlin'sMommy's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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this was the email I send her - what do you think of it - my other friend said it is a slap in the face to her.


"It wasn’t that I was trying to say that you don’t get it – I know you have suffered a loss within your family and I guess I thought you of all people would have understood why she was included when I listed my number of pregnancies. People ask me how many kids I have and I say two boys and now when I announce I am pregnant I am going to be asked wouldn’t it be nice to have a little girl and I will say yes but a healthy baby is all I really want – I will bite my tongue. I only talk about Rebecca to my family and my close friends.
Kudos to your aunt for being able to handle Travis better than I am handling Rebecca. Seven years feels like seven minutes since I held her in my arms and had to say my hello and my goodbyes – and the pain still cuts me like a knife. It took me 6 years before I went to a counselor for Rebecca (last year) and that made me heal some but the pain and hurt are still very fresh. I also have two beautiful boys that run around my feet daily, that I take for granted having.

I was 21 when Rebecca died, just 21 – she was my first baby and one that my mom asked me to terminate and that I fought for so hard and lost in the end. She is not Ryan’s biologically although his name is on her birth and death certificate. Ryan sat on my parents deck when I was barely 10 weeks pregnant saying that he loved me and was willing to accept this baby as his own, that is why I love him so much – it is a side of him that I saw that no one else saw. Ryan loves me unconditionally.

So yes this is Baby Number 4 – I am not counting my two miscarriages but he/she is going to be my fourth baby. Third child in my house but 4th full or close to full term pregnancy that I will get. To not include her, sometimes is hard and hurts – I have moved on but that doesn’t mean I don’t forget about her. To put Baby Number 3 makes me think that I am forgetting about her and I can’t do that.

I choose to tell my children about Rebecca because I wanted to – I wanted them to know about Rebecca and how she was watching over us. My mother never agreed with this decision but I chose it and made it and I am not upset at myself for doing it either. We refer to sissy as a butterfly. I happen to like that Benjamin includes butterflies in his family photos.

I have had 6 pregnancies

Rebecca stillborn 27 weeks and 1 day gestation
Miscarriage April 2004
Benjamin April 16th 2005
Miscarriage May 2009
Logan September 2nd 2008
And this one EDD August 31st 2011

I do not count my miscarriages I never held them, I didn’t name them, they never kicked me, I didn’t bury them, I mourned the loss yes but not the same as my daughter, my first born, the little girl I wanted so badly.

I by all means did not mean to upset you and I really shouldn’t have brought it up because I have upset you and I didn’t’ meant to.

Truth be told Amanda – I am downright scared – to the point that I am not doing a lot at all – I am in bed by 8pm if I can be and laying low – every cramp or twitch I freak out – I am constantly checking down there to make sure I am not bleeding. I am one giant mess and truth be told that 18 hcg count scares me – until I see that in the thousands.

I wish I had your families strength to move on and not forget her but still live our lives – I try but sometimes things bring her up and I can’t help it. Rebecca has been gone seven years but I can recount every minute I had with her.

I am sorry for upsetting you –
I just thought that you would “get” my way of thinking.
I guess this is a downfall to me.

I am sorry,
I won’t bring it up again,

Jenn"
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Rebecca Lee Stillborn 10-30-03
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  #11  
December 26th, 2010, 04:32 PM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
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I don't think I would have apologized, personally. You're a bigger person than I am. She had no right to say that to you and I really hope she either has, or will, apologize for hurting you by telling you not to count Rebecca. Who cares if her aunt has "done better?"
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  #12  
December 26th, 2010, 04:57 PM
lunarmagic's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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You upset HER? ***??! That astounds me. I don't think I would have apologised. I'm glad her aunt is well, but really.... does she REALLY know how her aunt feels? I don't see how your email is a "slap in the face" to anyone??
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  #13  
December 26th, 2010, 06:41 PM
NutMeg76's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Maybe she NEEDS a slap in the face. Most of the time I believe in turning the other cheek, but sometimes you need to stick up for yourself!
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  #14  
December 27th, 2010, 05:33 AM
Ben,Logan&Kaitlin'sMommy's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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thanks ladies

I don't know
I just don't want to lose this friendship!
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Rebecca Lee Stillborn 10-30-03
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