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I feel like I can't find any answers about the situation that I am in. I would really like some support, though I don't think I deserve any.
I was raped in August by a guy I do not know. They never found the guy. But I was having his baby until a week ago. I was at 26 weeks, and I had a still birth. My doctor said he did not know a reason for what happened. I was put on bedrest the week before I miscarried because of high blood pressure, but I was doing everything right.
I'm 23 years old, single, a college graduate and I have a good job. There is no reason why I couldn't take care of a child by myself right now. However, I was never emotionally attached to this baby. I feel like a monster for saying so, because it was partly my baby, and it wasn't her fault her father was a monster. But I tried and tried to love her. I've wanted kids since I was little, partly why I wanted to become a teacher. I've had my special names picked out for a long time (fully understanding that I'd have to run them by my future husband at some point). But I couldn't get attached to this baby. I wanted nothing to do with her. At the same time I didn't want any harm to come to her.
I was already thinking that I didn't know if I would be able to raise her. I was considering adoption heavily. I have a cousin who has been trying to get pregnant with her husband for a while now with no luck. I just wanted to give her the baby sometimes.
I'm sad that she died, I'm sad that I didn't want her. Is this normal? It's almost like relief. And that's the part that scares me the most. Am I a heartless monster for not loving my baby?
Please any support and or criticism is much appreciated at this point. I'm on maternity leave so I can cope with things. Just looking for answers.
I can only imagine the pain and grief you are and have been dealing with. You said that you don't deserve support, but in truth you deserve all the support in the world. You are definitely not a monster!
I think that counseling is a good place to start the healing process. After all that you've been through, I would say that your conflicted feelings are completely justified. You were doing your best to deal with one type of pain and grief only to have another compound it. Please don't beat yourself up about this. Your perceived lack of attachment doesn't mean that you are a bad person, it doesn't even mean that you didn't care. Sometimes we divorce ourselves emotionally from painful situations because it is the only way we can deal. I have not experienced anything remotely as traumatic as you have, and I can only guess at what you have and are continuing to go through.
I have had four pregnancy losses in three years. With each pregnancy, I become less and less 'attached'. That does not mean that I do not love my babies. It only means that they have immense power to cause me pain. I think that the mind does what it needs to for survival. I don't know if any of this blabbering helped, but I sincerely hope that it hasn't hurt. You are in my thoughts.
I agree completely with Laurie. I don't think anyone with an ounce of compassion could consider you a "monster." In the end you were trying to give her the best life you could, and that's what a good parent does.
Like Laurie said, we separate ourselves from painful situations. Like when in an immense amount of physical pain we lose consciousness, when we are in a lot of emotional pain, that part of us shuts down.
Either trauma would be more than enough for anyone to work though, but both together? I agree, if it's possible, counseling will help
And we're here whenever you just need to get it out.
I had problems with my baby too. I wanted him, my husband and I tried very hard to get pregnant, but I developed hypermesis gravidarum, very very very severe morning sickness. I was in the hospital a lot. At one point, I (briefly) thought about an abortion. A few weeks later, Ethan was gone. I blame myself still, but my therapist says it's normal.
I am so very sorry for everything you have gone through. You are by no means a monster or a bad person and you definitely deserve support as you deal with all of this. I cannot begin to imagine the feelings you must be dealing with. Hugs to you.
You are most definitely not a monster, the man who raped you is. Most women would have aborted that baby with a quickness, the fact that you didn't feel attached to her is normal, a lot of moms go through that and haven't dealt with near what you have. Counseling would definitely be a good idea, help you sort through everything. Hugs to you.
Wow, I can't imagine what you must be going through. Your lack of attachment to your baby does not at all make you a monster and is 100% understandable given the circumstances. I'm sorry for the trauma you've experienced.