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Forum: Stillbirth

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  #1  
March 8th, 2011, 09:11 AM
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 21
Hello,

I am here hopefully to start to heal. I gave birth at 34 weeks to my beautiful sleeping angel Mia Rose on 12-14-10. I actually had a good pregnancy, other than I had a weird looking placenta. I went to a high risk doctor and was cleared so I felt like I was in the clear. I only wish I wasn't so naive. I am a ER nurse and on the day I lost my child, I was too busy to realize something may be wrong. I was trying to save someone else who was struggling for life when I should've been paying more attention to my own child. This is something that I will regret for the rest of my life. I was hoping that if I found out what happened that maybe I could start healing, there were a whole bunch of tests done. Finally last Friday I was told I have a Protein S deficiency, but even though I have an answer it really hasn't helped. This made me wonder what other things are bothering me and one is that I am worried people are going to forget about her, like she never existed. I am curious to see if any of you have any suggestions to help me work through that. I have difficulties because even though I am ecstatic for them my SIL had a baby and now it feels as if my spouses family has completely forgotten about Mia. Not that they should have to but before they would check on my spouse and talk about Mia everyday and now that they have a living grandchild its like they don't care about the other one. I am sorry if I sound self centered but it is just how I feel. I guess I am here like I said to heal and maybe get input on how each of you work through your sadness and other feelings.

Thanks!
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  #2  
March 8th, 2011, 12:39 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 1,585
I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm sure you miss your sweet Mia everyday. I wish I had some words of comfort for you, but I'm very new to this. My son was born still last week. I hope you can find as peace and begin to heal.
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Sharon

DD Brooklynn 8-4-01
DD Libby 6-18-04
DS Gavin 8-20-08
DS Carter born still 3-2-11 (20 weeks)
It's a GIRL!!! EDD 3-6-12


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  #3  
March 9th, 2011, 06:51 AM
noworries
Guest
Posts: n/a
I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet Mia.
After my Eli was stillborn, one of my biggest fears was that he would be forgotten. I told this to both my mom and my MIL to let them know that I needed them to remember him. My parents have been awesome at remembering Eli (they bought him a tile on the baby wall at the hospital he was born at and they have remembrances for him at their house) and my MIL talks about Eli to my other children.
So, my best advice is to let the people that are important to you know that that is a fear of yours.
Everyone is going to be different in how they work through their grief. Some of the best advice I got after Eli was born was to feel however I need to feel whenever I need to feel it. Basically, don't worry about what other people were going to think if I had a breakdown and just have a breakdown if I needed to.
I also talked about my son a lot and that really helped me. I had a friend who asked me about him after he was born. She didn't just say "I'm so sorry", she asked me who he looked like and things like that and that was wonderful to be able to tell someone all about him.
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  #4  
March 9th, 2011, 07:19 AM
claire1979's Avatar mummy to a special angel
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: huddersfield, england
Posts: 33,629
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im so sorry for your loss sweetie, i always say that as long as i and her daddy and sibblings remember she'll not be forgotton. hugs hun x x x
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  #5  
March 9th, 2011, 09:56 AM
Super Mommy
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Pacific NW
Posts: 122
I am so sorry for your loss. People tend to stop talking to you about your child, but I've discovered that they don't forget. Last week my mom brought out a teddy bear and gave it to my girls (twins that I had after I lost my son). My mom started crying, and told me that she'd had the bear "a long time" and that she had bought it for the son we lost. She never talks about Jaren, so I was very touched that she'd kept the bear all of this time and decided to share it with the girls and I now.
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Jenny

Mom to Ashley, Jacob, Joe, Jace and missing Jaren, born still on 6/11/09

excited to welcome our girls born 4/30/2010 !!!



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  #6  
March 9th, 2011, 12:06 PM
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 21
Thanks for your replies! It is nice to have someone to talk to about this. Is there anything you did specifically to remember your child?
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  #7  
March 9th, 2011, 12:49 PM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 5,238
I am so sorry for the loss of your precious Mia.

I too only recently gave birth too soon to my son & people IRL get all weird when I bring him up.

I don't necessarily think they forget, I think that people have a problem with is knowing what to say or do without hurting you, so it is just easier for them to not bring her up.

I got a tattoo & am in the process of looking for a shadow box, or something similar, to put all of Daniel's things in - It isn't much, but the items mean so much...
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  #8  
March 9th, 2011, 02:04 PM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Littleton, CO
Posts: 43,573
My Cora's 5th birthday is coming up on May 2nd. I'm currently pregnant with my 3rd rainbow baby, so people tend to assume I'm "okay." It's frustrating. Luckily, I guess, Cora and Erin were both the "first" grandchildren so the hubbub over the living baby was still my child. But it still hurt, because it still feels like people forget.

But I did have a conversation with my dad about how I need to know Cora's remembered, and he's been pretty good about it. My parents' first baby was stillborn, though, so they understand and have been great. But when people haven't experienced it, they have no clue how to react.

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  #9  
March 10th, 2011, 09:50 AM
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 21
Thanks everyone for the welcome. I have to admit my mom and dad do a very good job remembering Mia. My sister had a little one about a month and half after Mias birth. My parents had a tough time with it, though they were glad they still were mourning their other grandchild. My mom and dad call everyday to talk about Mia with me and they even still get her little gifts. I don't expect the in laws to go to that extent but I guess I was just hurt because they both stated how happy and content they were being with their new grand baby and didn't say anything about how it was still hard because they lost another grandchild 2.5 months ago. I guess I just feel as if they are like well whatever we have another grandchild there is no point in mourning our first one. I really don't want to sound selfish... it just really feels that way. I know they should be ecstatic for this one but maybe they should just be careful what they say around me and my spouse. Sometimes I just feel like they are rubbing salt into my wounds. Also there is a quote that states ‎"When a baby is born, it’s the mothers instinct to protect it. When a baby dies, it’s the mothers instinct to protect its memory." I feel like this is me. I hope everyone is having a decent day today. Thanks as always for listening to my rants
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  #10  
March 13th, 2011, 11:54 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: New York
Posts: 1,760
So sorry for your loss. hugs!
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