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  #1  
March 12th, 2011, 05:09 PM
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 8
Hi Everyone,
I would say its great to be here, but in all honesty i would give anything to never have to be on this website. My name is Sareina. I lost my son Gavyn Parker on September 5th, 2010. I was 38 weeks pregnant when I went into labor and delivered him. I'll never forget September 4th. My boyfriend's sister's birthday is sep. 4th and she always joked that she wanted us to have Gavyn on her birthday. Well that day rolled around and around 9am I went into labor.

The Wednesday before that I went in for my weekly appointment and everything was fine. Gavyn's heartbeat was at 145, he was measuring at 8lbs 9oz, and i was dilated to 3cm. My doctor asked me if I was ok to go another week and if I had not gone into labor by next Thursday he would go ahead and induce me because Gavyn was already so big. I was thrilled. Me and my boyfriend called everyone told them the amazing news that he would be here within a week.

That Saturday morning I went into labor. Starting off with small cramps I figured it was just braxton hicks again. Around lunch time I was starting to feel them closer and closer together and much harder. I called my doctor and he told me to come on in and get checked out it sounded like i was in labor. I was so excited! We waited a little bit longer because i wanted a natural birth, around 6pm that night we finally went into the hospital. I was so happy. We went into the triage room and that's when my entire life went upside down. I changed and then they started to hook me up to all the machines. That's when they couldn't find Gavyn's heartbeat. I could tell on the faces of my nurses that somethings was wrong, but all they kept saying was it was probably the way he was laying and they were going to get the ultrasound machine to see him. My doctor came in and took a look around.

I'll never forget the look my doctor gave me when he knew. He simply turned to me and said Sareina it should be really easy to find a heartbeat and I just cant find one. I completely lost it.

Gavyn Parker had passed away that wednesday night after my doctor appointment according the autopsy and we never found out why. He was 8lb 6.3oz and 21 inches long. He had a small amount of black hair, and he looked just like me. I miss my baby more than anything in the entire world.

I'm here to talk to people who have been through this same situation as me and can actually give me advice. because they are days still, 6 months later, that I just dont want to get out of bed. i need help.
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  #2  
March 12th, 2011, 06:08 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 2,095
I am sorry to have to welcome you to this board. If I had my wish, no woman would ever have to suffer the pain of losing their baby. My name is Laurie and I've had two stillbirths. My daughter, Eva, was born still on June 26, 2008. My son, Declan, was born still on August 24, 2009.
I'm so sorry for your loss of Gavyn. I am not an expert by any means, but I can speak of my own experiences. I can't tell you that the pain will go away, but I can tell you that it gets easier. The truth is that the pain never goes away, and there will always moments where the bottom falls out of your world and you find yourself grieving afresh. But the moments get farther away from each other and you're able to pick the pieces up a little quicker. It doesn't seem like much, I'm sure, but you will be able to build a life again. It just won't be the life you thought you would have. Well, that's my experience, anyway.
The truth is that you may benefit from seeing a counselor. I've never tried that, but I have often considered it. Stillbirth can be a very isolating experience. Even the most understanding and helpful friends or family members can't understand what you are feeling. Often, when people are willing to talk with me about it, I find myself 'pulling my punches' and holding back out of consideration for their feelings. I don't want to take their innocence or burden them with the awful truth. Also, sometimes what I think and feel isn't pretty and I don't want people to think badly about me.
Coming here has been an immense help for me. Honestly, I'm not sure where I would be without the support of the women here. Welcome to our board, and I hope you find some measure of peace.
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  #3  
March 12th, 2011, 07:35 PM
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 8
Oh my I can't even imagine what you have been through! Can I ask what happened if you don't mind?

I've considered seeing a counselor but in all honesty I'm terrified to talk to someone professional about this and I have no idea why. I am just lost, scared, and hurt.
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  #4  
March 12th, 2011, 11:38 PM
claire1979's Avatar mummy to a special angel
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hello Sareina my name is claire, im so sorry to have to welcome you here and for the loss of your precious son.

laurie pretty much what i was going to say, just sending you some hugs (())

please stay and post whenever and whatever you need the support here is amazing.

im co host here, my daughter jessica was born sleeping in june 2005 her passing was due to a cord accident.

many hugs to you x
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  #5  
March 13th, 2011, 06:31 AM
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Ontario, Canada
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Gavynsmom View Post
Oh my I can't even imagine what you have been through! Can I ask what happened if you don't mind?

I've considered seeing a counselor but in all honesty I'm terrified to talk to someone professional about this and I have no idea why. I am just lost, scared, and hurt.
We never found out the cause of the stillbirths. They did find that I have Factor V Leiden, but I am only heterozygous (one copy of the gene mutation) so they (the Dr's) don't feel that is the cause.
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  #6  
March 13th, 2011, 04:00 PM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Littleton, CO
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I could have written your first post. I lost Cora at 38w1d. My sister always joked Cora should have been born on her birthday, and instead that was the day we confirmed Cora had no heartbeat.

I'm so sorry honey. I wish you didn't have to be here either. I wish none of us did.

It's been nearly 5 years for me, and i still have those days where my heart aches like it was yesterday. But it gets easier to bet happy in between.
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  #7  
March 13th, 2011, 05:16 PM
EmG EmG is offline
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Location: Reno, NV
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I too wish you didn't have to be here. I lost my daughter on December 29, 2010 because I developed severe HELLP syndrome and had to deliver at 22 weeks. It has only been 2 1/2 months for me so I'm not sure about long term, but I try not to think, "Why me?" because that only seems to make it worse. I take it one day at a time. I also try and make sure I always have something to do. I am so sorry about your son.
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  #8  
March 13th, 2011, 06:06 PM
Proud Momma
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 3,781
I am so sorry for your loss of your sweet boy. Your story is so heartbreaking Nobody should have to join us here, but I am glad that you have found us because the ladies here are amazing and we're here to listen whenever you need to talk, cry, vent, etc.



I'm Stephanie. I lost my sweet Katrina at just over 23w in August 2008. Oh and talking about dates for our babies to be born on, my husband and I were originally "trying" for an August 8, 2008 (lucky # in Chinese) baby but didn't get pregnant for months later so she would have been born in December. Well what do you know, Katrina passed away ON August 8, 2008 and then born the next morning.

Last edited by LaLaLa1; March 13th, 2011 at 06:08 PM.
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  #9  
March 13th, 2011, 06:10 PM
noworries
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I'm so sorry to have to welcome you here but glad you have found us. The ladies here are great. We're here when you need to scream, cry, vent, etc.
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  #10  
March 13th, 2011, 06:21 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 1,585
I'm so sorry for your loss. I cried as I read your story, it's so heartbreaking. I was induced just a couple of weeks ago, when we saw that our Carter didn't have a heartbeat. I'm still trying to find my way through the fog, and get myself out of bed. I hope that you can find some source of peace. I love the name Gavyn, our little 2 year old is also a Gavin.
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  #11  
March 13th, 2011, 11:47 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: New York
Posts: 1,760
I'm very sorry for your loss. I find your story so similar to mine. My Eric was born still on July 12th 2009 at almost 39 weeks. We never found out why even after numerous autopsies were done. He was very healthy. I went in for my doctor's appointment on Tuesday and everything was fine including non stress test my doctor did in every pregnancy starting with 34th week. I started to worry on thursday when I felt very little movement, but being naive at the time I attributed it to baby getting less room to move in there towards the end of my pregnancy. 3 days later on Sunday my labor started and we went to the hospital being so excited. I did n't think of anything when nurse left the room after not being able to find the heartbeat and even after she came back with the doctor.....I will never forget the look in doctor's eyes after searching for the heartbeat on the screen... Then I couldn't believe what I was told, i kept hoping they made a mistake.....
You 've definitely come to the right place. I found this board almost right after Eric was born . I don't know what i would've done without this board. The ladies on this
board are so amazing and they helped me so much to go through this. For me the first year was the hardest, there were days where I wanted to stay in bed forever, but there were good days too. I know it's hard to believe right now, but you will be able to live again one day as it does get easier with time. You'll just learn to live with it.
Please don 't hesitate to post here, we're here for you, we understand.
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  #12  
March 14th, 2011, 05:24 AM
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 5,238
I am so sorry to say welcome to the board, but very happy you were able to find us. The ladies on these boards have helped me tremendously through my losses and it helps so much to be able to talk to others who can relate to what we have gone through. My story is a bit different, I lost my baby to CI at 19 weeks 2 days... Again, I am so very sorry for the loss of your precious Gavyn.
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  #13  
March 17th, 2011, 10:40 PM
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 8
Thank you all so much I appreciate all your warm welcomes. These past couple of days have been kind of tough and I honestly don't know why. I am currently buying a home, and as I was walking through the rooms I kept thinking this was suppose to be Gavyn's room. How am I ever going to be okay with having another baby knowing that all I feel like is i'm replacing Gavyn.

Thank you all so much for already being there for me, I really look forward to getting to know you all more and actually having someone to talk to about all of this.
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  #14  
March 18th, 2011, 08:12 AM
austinmommy3's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Location: Austin, TX
Posts: 2,056
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gavynsmom View Post
Thank you all so much I appreciate all your warm welcomes. These past couple of days have been kind of tough and I honestly don't know why. I am currently buying a home, and as I was walking through the rooms I kept thinking this was suppose to be Gavyn's room. How am I ever going to be okay with having another baby knowing that all I feel like is i'm replacing Gavyn.

Thank you all so much for already being there for me, I really look forward to getting to know you all more and actually having someone to talk to about all of this.
I am so very sorry that you have reason to join the board but glad you found it! As time passes you do find ways to cope better, but there are still bad days that sneak up on you.
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  #15  
March 18th, 2011, 08:51 PM
rebeccabaltimore and more's Avatar (rebeccabaltimore)
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 1,842
Hello, my name is Rebecca. Two years ago, during an ultrasound, we discovered that my son had no amniotic fluid. This was because he had several birth defects, the most serious of which was that he did not have kidneys. He was alive, but was struggling and in pain, and without kidneys could not survive. We induced labor several days later. He died peacefully in labor and was born at 18 weeks gestation. Seven months later I was pregnant with triplets, but at 14 weeks we lost two. The surviving baby is my rainbow baby Grant.

It won't always feel like this, like the pain is swallowing you alive. Your loss is always there, but somehow it's a part of you, rather than this dagger that sticks into your heart.
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  #16  
March 20th, 2011, 09:34 AM
SarahBethsMommy's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I'm so sorry for your loss. My son, Bryan Luke, was stillborn on August 4, 2007. We were 33 weeks along, but my first child, Sarah Beth was born alive at 27 weeks. We never knew what caused him to die and never really will. I've had a rainbow baby now who was born at 35 weeks because he was in distress... his heartrate was dipping really low. We don't know why it did that, but I really think that whatever was affecting Daniel was what killed Bryan Luke. I too was in the day before his death and his heartrate was fine and everything looked great.

I'm so sorry that you have to join us here. I know it has been almost 4 years now since we lost Bryan Luke and I still have overwhelmingly sad days, but he is part of me and his story is part of me. I am finally to the point where I can live with joy again, but it took a while.

Oh and you'll never replace sweet Gavyn, but one day you will give him a little brother or sister if you so choose and that is as it should be.
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  #17  
March 20th, 2011, 10:15 PM
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 8
Thank you all so much for your warm welcomes. You have no idea how greatful I am for women like you. It's so nice to just come home from work and hop on this website and see that I'm not alone. Because about 99.9% of my day I feel alone. I feel like no one understands why I am the way I am. And my friends and family really just never will.
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  #18  
March 21st, 2011, 07:40 AM
Ben,Logan&Kaitlin'sMommy's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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It is with sadness that you had to join us but I am glad you found us - our board has our moments of quiet but when new people come and join us they always make there way out of the woodwork to lend advice or a shoulder.

((HUGS))
I am so sorry for the loss of your son -
I lost my daughter Rebecca Lee in 2003 when I was 27 weeks pregnant with her and there isn't a day that doesn't go by 8 years later that she isn't in my mind - espically now that I am pregnant with another little girl.
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  #19  
March 28th, 2011, 02:44 PM
HopefulMommy81's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Location: California
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Sareina,
Every time I see a new woman post here, my heart breaks all over again. I am so sorry you lost your Gavyn. I'm Jacque. My DH, Jason, and I lost our first little boy, Matthew on July 1, 2010. I went in right before Memorial Day for our second trimester anatomy/gender ultrasound and was found with little amniotic fluid which quickly became absolutely none. I was induced at 23 weeks due to his lungs not being able to develop and he would not be able to breathe/live outside of my uterus. They also thought I was beginning to get an infection and didn't want me to risk not being able to have any other children or get very ill myself. For a long time, they had no idea what happened- they assume my water broke early for some reason. I am currently 18 weeks along with Matthew's little sister. I got a cerclage at almost 12 weeks and my OB found I have a prolapsed cervix which could have caused my water to break so early. Matthew;s autopsy revealed a healthy little boy except for undeveloped, immature lungs.
I will tell you that it does get easier to get out of bed- I still think about our Matthew every day, so many times a day. Lots of things remind me of him, but I have gotten to a point where I can think of him and smile sometimes, instead of crying. My husband and I went to a support group after Matthew was born for couples who lost a baby during pregnancy. I was skeptical at first, but it was amazing. I would suggest you see if there is anything like that in your area. The one here is actually run by an organization started by a hospice agency. I am now close friends with the other moms from our group.
If you need anything, we are all here for you. These ladies were and continue to be so important in my healing and life after the loss of Matthew. PM me also if you ever need to talk.
Like someone else said (can't remember who right now), you will never replace Gavyn, and you will never forget him.
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