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Forum: Stillbirth

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  #1  
March 13th, 2011, 05:25 PM
EmG EmG is offline
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I just finished moving to a new area where I don't know anyone so I was wondering how you guys answer the question, "How many children do you have?" when you meet new people.
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  #2  
March 13th, 2011, 05:59 PM
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 3,781
WORST question to be asked ever!!!!!! I think it really depends who you're talking to. I'm not going to tell complete strangers about her in the grocery store or anything like that, but if I meet a new mom then yea, I probably will tell her, I just won't get into as many details.

To this day I still feel guilty when I don't mention baby K but really, sometimes when I do mention her the conversation just gets all awkward and weird.

There's really no wrong or right I don't think. Whatever you feel comfortable with.

Oh and when I was pregnant with Rachel, I asked my DDC their opinion on what I should tell people and the majority of them said they wouldn't find it weird and would actually like me to tell them about Katrina if they had asked me.
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  #3  
March 13th, 2011, 06:13 PM
noworries
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It depends on who I am talking to, what kind of mood I am in, how the question is asked, etc.

For example, the other day a lady asked me, "so, do you just have the 2 kids" and I just said yes because it was the easiest answer at the time.

Sometimes I say, I have 2 living children.

Sometimes I will tell complete strangers that I have the 2 kids and I had another son who didn't survive. It all just depends.
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  #4  
March 13th, 2011, 06:27 PM
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I'm not sure how I'll answer this questions. I'll be interested to see what everyone else says.
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  #5  
March 14th, 2011, 06:52 AM
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 21
Since I don't have any living children usually I will state that I have one child in heaven. Or I have a baby girl and leave it at that. I guess like everyone else says it depends on the situation. I work in an ER and if someone asks me there usually I say no. When I do that though it makes me feel like I am not acknowledging my child. It is really hard. I guess I just read the situation and go from there.
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  #6  
March 14th, 2011, 08:14 AM
mommy2mykiddos's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 3,209
I too don't tell everyone. Sometimes I just don't feel comfortable or really want to get into it. A lot of times i just feel like its very private and don't want to share. So I guess it just depends.
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  #7  
March 14th, 2011, 09:15 AM
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Join Date: Sep 2009
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For me it depends on who it is... If it's someone I don't know and say three they tend to ask how old they are & once I say the conversation gets all strained because they don't know what to say... Therefore, I tend to just leave it at two.

If it's someone who is close to me, I talk about Daniel all the time - they have started to understand that they will have to just deal with their being uncomfortable because he is a part of me.
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  #8  
March 14th, 2011, 10:35 AM
austinmommy3's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Location: Austin, TX
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I don't usually go into it, but my two older rainbow babies get pretty irritated if Makenzie is not acknowledged. I think because her pictures are around the house. When people say something to Abbi about being the only girl, she quickly lets them know she has a big sister who is her angel. One woman we know said " well she doesn't count, you are the only girl" Abbi smartly replied " well I guess your mother doesn't count since she is dead and in heaven too" I was beyond proud of my witty little child.
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  #9  
March 14th, 2011, 01:30 PM
SarahBethsMommy's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by austinmommy3 View Post
I don't usually go into it, but my two older rainbow babies get pretty irritated if Makenzie is not acknowledged. I think because her pictures are around the house. When people say something to Abbi about being the only girl, she quickly lets them know she has a big sister who is her angel. One woman we know said " well she doesn't count, you are the only girl" Abbi smartly replied " well I guess your mother doesn't count since she is dead and in heaven too" I was beyond proud of my witty little child.

Oh my goodness, I love your daughter and don't even know her. What a FABULOUS come back!

It depends on who I am speaking with. I usually say, "I have 4 children." I don't go into the fact that one is in heaven and one is a foster child. If they press, I'll tell them the whole story, but generally they don't. If it is someone who will eventually hear about Bryan Luke, then I say, "I have 4 kids, but one of them lives in heaven now."
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  #10  
March 14th, 2011, 03:10 PM
austinmommy3's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SarahBethsMommy View Post
Oh my goodness, I love your daughter and don't even know her. What a FABULOUS come back!
She is in her own words a "hot mess" She is quite witty and sarcastic, but never disrespectful.
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  #11  
March 14th, 2011, 07:19 PM
liz bevan's Avatar Super Mommy
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I would have to agree with everyone else.
It depends on what type of environment I am in.
I generally tell ppl that our son died during birth and then ppl always say they are so sorry. Then things get weird.
I am proud of my son and like to talk about him every chance I get
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  #12  
March 15th, 2011, 07:44 AM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
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Before Erin was born I always mentioned Cora, regardless of who I was talking to. Because there was such a short time between pregnancies, most of the time between births I was pregnant, so they were always asking if it was my first pregnancy. If I answered "No" then they invariably asked how old my other(s) were, so it ended up becoming "Nobutmyfirstwasstillborn" all in a rush so they didn't have a chance to ask.

Now it's harder. If we're discussing pregnancies, then I'm honest. This is my fourth pregnancy. They don't always ask how old my kids are after that so sometimes I don't go into it.

If they ask how my children I have, well...that's where it gets complicated. Generally I have Erin and Patrick with me and I'll say "just these 2 at home." I've never had someone ask what I mean by that, and whether I have one NOT at home. But, to be honest, I truly do hate leaving Cora out. I always feel guilty afterward. But if I bring her up and things get awkward, then I feel guilty for that too, so there's no winning.

If it's someone I'm likely to come into contact with often, I tell them. I'd rather tell them up front rather than have them find out later and have them think I was keeping her a secret.
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  #13  
March 15th, 2011, 12:46 PM
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I answer 2 when I meet new people. 3 once I get to know them. My mind does not automatically go to Dominic anymore.
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  #14  
March 15th, 2011, 12:50 PM
Aeterna's Avatar Super Speshil
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There were times when I was pregnant with Henry that strangers or acquaintances would say something to the effect of: "Oh, you finally got your boy!" Most times I responded with a smile and a nod even though I felt horrible for leaving him out. Most situations were just not the kind where one gets into all the detail about such things like baby loss or stillbirth.

I sometimes still don't know how to respond to that dreaded question when asked. I think it's just assumed that I have the number of kids that are with me, ya know? I have a memorial/remembrance tattoo for Duncan on the outside of my left forearm and get asked fairly often (during spring/summer--when it's visible) what it means. I also have his footprints on my feet. This gives me an opportunity to talk about him.

If asked in the future I'll probably just say that Henry is our second son. That Duncan died near term.
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  #15  
March 15th, 2011, 06:36 PM
rebeccabaltimore and more's Avatar (rebeccabaltimore)
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 1,842
I rarely include Ethan when asked. But later, if I get to know the person, he will come up and I will talk about him. He's my oldest son. My other two lost babies, Grant's co-triplets, well I don't bring them up much, they weren't born, so people don't understand, and it doesn't feel the same anyway.
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  #16  
March 16th, 2011, 02:43 PM
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Location: Pacific NW
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I tell people 6, but I will bring up Jaren to strangers if the conversatiion leads that way.
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  #17  
March 17th, 2011, 10:48 PM
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 8
I have always wondered what people would say in this situation. I just started a new job and everyone was talking about pregnancy and kids and someone asked me if I had any kids. To be honest I just looked at them and walked away. I later came back and was honest and explained that Gavyn has passed away 3 days before birth, and he is my only child. But then I never know how to respond when I get the, "Oh i'm so sorry to hear that". I don't say it's ok, because in my eyes its not okay he's not here, but i really never know how to respond to that statement, i usually just half smile nod and walk away. But no matter what I always make him known.
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  #18  
March 18th, 2011, 08:28 PM
rebeccabaltimore and more's Avatar (rebeccabaltimore)
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I say that I'm sorry too. Because it's true.
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