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is it too soon?


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  #1  
April 6th, 2011, 06:39 PM
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It's only been a week since I lost my Mary. When I'm not thinking about her, all I can think about is trying again, which is nuts. There are so many reasons to not even think about it right now. My paid leave at work is going to be depleted, we really should save up some money especially after we get all the medical bills paid, and I need to make sure DH and I are emotionally ready.

On the other hand...I've felt like I've had all this maternal instinct with nowhere for it to go since I was 16 (I'm 33) and now it's 1,000 times worse, we think what happened with Mary could have been at least partially chromosomal and my eggs and I are not getting any younger, I know I'm not anywhere close to being done grieving but I feel like I've got a pretty good handle on it and I do have an amazing support system.

It's all probably a moot point since I had a difficult pregnancy and of course we lost Mary, both of which were and are incredibly hard on my poor DH. It may be an uphill battle to convince him to try again ever, much less in the next few months.

I don't know. I just can't come to any sort of peace with either trying again as soon as we can or waiting a year or two.

I'd welcome any words of wisdom.
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  #2  
April 6th, 2011, 07:00 PM
Fluffy Baby's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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My OB told me wait a year. I was pregnant 4 months later. It helped me in several different ways.

#1 I had something else to focus on
#2 It helped me knowing DD would have another silbling (I was confident my next child would be a live birth and he was)
#3 Tristan did not replace Dominic, but he replaced the hole and sadness in my heart

Good Luck, it is a hard decision. I got preggo on the nuvaring, so I didn't need to make an decisions.
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  #3  
April 6th, 2011, 07:25 PM
noworries
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Only you and your DH can decide when the time is right. It's never too soon or too late. I wanted to get pregnant again right away after Eli and we did get pregnant again really soon (less than 3 months) as soon as the doctor told us that what happened to Eli most likely would not be a problem with the next kiddo.
Hugs honey.
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  #4  
April 6th, 2011, 07:53 PM
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Thank you so much ladies! I was really wondering if I'm out of my mind for even thinking about it. It's nice to know that I'm not alone.
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Mary Elizabeth stillborn at 26 weeks
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  #5  
April 6th, 2011, 09:09 PM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
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One of the first discussions Matt and I had after finding out Cora no longer had a heartbeat (we couldn't get in to be induced until the next morning, so this was that evening when we were home alone and in shock) was when to try again. I knew I didn't want to wait long. I had hyperemesis my whole pregnancy, however, so my OB told me that I MUST NOT get pregnant in at least 3 months, though he would prefer 6. He said the standard answer was a year, to help with the emotional side of things, but he had found that women who got pregnant before that year mark weren't any less well off emotionally. I became pregnant with Erin 5 months after Cora was born.

Like was said, only you and your husband can decide when the time is right for you. Good luck.

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  #6  
April 7th, 2011, 08:51 AM
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Christy,

I feel like I'm in the same boat. It's been one month since we lost Carter. I'm 36, so I don't feel like I have a lot of time on my side, plus it normally has taken us a year of TTC before we get pg (for some reason it only took 7 months for Carter). I feel like I will be broken up inside until I hold a live baby. Carter will always be my boy, and nothing will take away the grief of missing him, or replace him. I have to believe that having another child will soothe some of the pain. I don't know what to tell you about work and all of the complications with money. We are in the same boat. Not only do we have a huge medical bill to work out, but we paid for a funeral. I'm going to jump in and see what happens. I know that this is very optimistic, but I really hope to be pg before my due date that I had w/ Carter (7/23). Best of luck to you.
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  #7  
April 8th, 2011, 07:39 AM
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After I lost my Robert, I could've written the post you did. I lost Robert in December and found out I was pregnant again in April. My doctor told us to wait but immediately, I knew we had to try right away. I craved the intimacy with my husband. It made me feel better to be so close to him. I agree with everyoine who said it is a decision only you and him can make, but know that it is completely normal to want to try again right away.

In terms of being emotionally ready... were any of us emotionally ready? Can you be once you have experienced a stillbirth? I don't feel like it is possible. I am on my second pregnancy after my stillbirth and am just as much of a nervous wreck as I was with Mady. Only you can know if you are willing to go through another pregnancy this soon, and the stress that will come with it every minute of every day. Only you can decide that.
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  #8  
April 8th, 2011, 07:57 AM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
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Quote:
Originally Posted by silver11princess View Post
In terms of being emotionally ready... were any of us emotionally ready? Can you be once you have experienced a stillbirth? I don't feel like it is possible. I am on my second pregnancy after my stillbirth and am just as much of a nervous wreck as I was with Mady.
Yeah, I'm on my 3rd since my stillbirth and I'm still nervous and will be more so as I go. *sigh* But obviously not enough to keep me from doing it again.
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  #9  
April 11th, 2011, 10:26 AM
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I also had the urge to try again immediately. To be honest, I was desparate to become pregnant. Before we lost our baby, we were given a poor prognosis. We lived with it for several months before we lost our baby. During that time we discussed trying for another baby. I know I was not trying to replace my son, but I do feel like I was trying to fill this giant void. I was told to wait three months. It was seven months before I became pregnant. Before my loss, I only wanted two kids. Now I want as many as I can possibly have.
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  #10  
April 11th, 2011, 12:20 PM
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My husband I were were also ones that wanted to get pregnant immediately. We had already been trying for a couple years at that point and losing Devin just made bringing home a live baby seem even less likely, but it was all I really lived for at that point.

In retrospect I'm kind of glad that it took us over a year to get pregnant again, because I did a lot of grieving and healing that first year... I'm not sure how I would have coped with another pregnancy right away. But that year was also torture, not getting pregnant again - and not by choice, but because we couldn't. It was devastating in so many ways, every cycle, every day.

Like the others have said.... it depends on you and what you feel you're ready for, and I don't think we're ever really truly ready, it's going to be hard no matter what.
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  #11  
April 11th, 2011, 02:02 PM
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Thank you for all the replies.

DH and I talked about it and he wants to wait a year or two. Logically I know he's right. We could handle taking care of a baby financially and were prepared to do so with Mary, but just barely. Emotionally, I still want to try again right away. I know he's worried about my health too. I know I was miserable the entire pregnancy, but all that faded immediately after Mary was born. It's probably much more vivid in DH's mind. I think we'll all be better off if I go with what DH wants on this one.
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Mary Elizabeth stillborn at 26 weeks
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  #12  
April 11th, 2011, 08:59 PM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
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Remember that you don't have to make a solid decision right now. So, wait a while and revisit the issue. Maybe revisit the issue several times. Things change, how you feel changes, how he feels changes. Grief is very fluid.

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  #13  
April 12th, 2011, 08:46 AM
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I think that all you can do is follow your heart.
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DD Brooklynn 8-4-01
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  #14  
April 13th, 2011, 03:53 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by oregongirl View Post
I think that all you can do is follow your heart.
My heart has definitely made it known what it wants. Problem is I usually don't take action unless my heart and mind agree and they are at odds on whether to try again right away. My brain is telling me that DH is right and we need to wait. All my heart can say is something like WANT BABY NOW. *sigh*

Well, it's still very early. I think I'll just try to relax for a bit and see if anything changes. I was so sick with the pregnancy, I'm starting to realize that I can now enjoy things (like eating, traveling, sleeping through the night and actually being fully awake when I'm awake) that I've missed out on for the past 6 months.
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Mary Elizabeth stillborn at 26 weeks
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  #15  
May 20th, 2011, 03:22 AM
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I know im a little behind but I figured I would give my input.

My dr told us to wait at least three normal periods. I lost my son at 39 weeks due to umbillical cord accident. I had the urge to try again the first week. I still want to start ttc soon.. it has been just over 2 months now and Im just finishing up my first cycle. We will definatwly be back ttc as soon as my three cycles are up. Just because our son went to heaven doesnt mean I still dont want another live child like I did when we started trying.

But I agree, its up to u and your hubby.. u need to dk whats right for you. Im sorry for your loss and hope yoy find peace soon.
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