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Forum: Stillbirth

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  #1  
May 20th, 2011, 08:51 PM
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 6
I just had to post because I just had someone else ask me the other day. I lost my son the day before I was schedule to be induced due to an umbillical cord accident. Everyone in my small town knew about him and I had been off work for a few months before hand so I was able to take my 5 year old to school and pick him up.

The one thing I dreaded was going back into the real world after he passed. I had come up with the standard "Unfortunately we lost him".. response when someone asked. I think I had prepared myself enough to handle it and I havn't cried once yet when someone asks me.. but its still so hard. I just took my son to get his hair cut the other day and the lady cutting hair at the barber perks up. "Where's the baby!?".. and I smiled nicely and said the standard response.. she felt HORRIBLE. I think sometimes I feel worse for people that ask than I do for myself. She even made the comment after saying how sorry she was.."wow do I feel stupid".. and I nicely reassured her that she wasn't the first and I was sure wasn't going to be the last. I have had 4 people ask me so far.

So for anyone thats just newly going through this I just want to say that what worked for me was just preparing a "standard answer".. helped me a LOT.. to know what I would say and to be ready for it made it easier. Most of the time I just gave the response.. and if I was feeling crappy that day I would smile and say thanks when they said sorry and then sidetrack the discussion to something else or just keep walking (people tend to understand). on a good day I would say Thanks.. and briefly explain that we lost him due to the umbillical cord.. For some reason if I can handle it, I like to tell his story and tell them that he was a perfect 8#5oz little boy with lots of dark hair.

I don't know what inclined me to post this.. but it was on my mind.. so I wrote.
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  #2  
May 21st, 2011, 02:35 PM
Mom 2 Avery's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2006
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I'm really proud of you for posting this! You're already helping people!!!
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  #3  
May 22nd, 2011, 06:49 PM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Littleton, CO
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Yeah, that was one of the hardest parts for me. Cora was born the day that was supposed to be my last work day before maternity leave. I worked at a gas station/convenience store in a small town that sold really cheap soda, so we had a lot of regulars. I was 38 weeks, so everyone knew I was going to have a baby soon, so it wasn't surprising when I took a month off. When I came back, though all my coworkers knew, none of the customers did and the first thing everyone asked was "How's your baby??"

Ugh. I agree, sometimes I felt bad for making them feel so bad, when really there was no reason for them NOT to assume everything was okay. It was really hard and I ended up changing jobs mostly because of that.
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  #4  
May 22nd, 2011, 08:11 PM
noworries
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Yeah, I remember the first time someone asked and I was so caught off guard and didn't know what to say.
I'm glad you have joined us, you seem like a great person and I am glad to be able to get to know you.
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  #5  
May 24th, 2011, 06:07 AM
lunarmagic's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: MA
Posts: 4,037
That sounds like you're doing pretty well if you can handle the questions with your prepared answer and talk about him. It's hard when people feel so terrible... I always felt bad about that for some reason, like I was blindsiding them with this terrible news when they were expecting some happy answer.
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