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I've completely relapsed. Yesterday I cried, cried more than I've cried since I first lost him. Everything in my life is coming together and it all seems to be revolving around him in some way.
We moved, and so I packed up his things, and now have to find a place to put them.
DSD is talking about him all the time. She keeps saying that she sees him, that she plays with him, that she sings to him. She'll sing a song and tell me it made him smile, and he sang too. We went to the movies and she asked if we could bring him, cuddle him, and not lose him again. I don't know what to say to her. So I just explain that I would love to be with him, but he died, and now is in Heaven. She gets sad, and I tell her it's ok and I'm sad too.
At work I deal with death all the time. I work in the Pediatric ICU. Yesterday, we lost a baby. It was all too real for me. I saw the mother crying, and saw myself. I could feel - actually feel - her pain. My heart was breaking for my baby. Then I saw *her* the decedent affairs coordinator. The woman that was at one time in my hospital room, talking to me about my baby. The woman that returned his ashes to me. The woman that I absolutely hate out due to no fault of her own. There she was, one of my worst nightmares, in my work place... again. I see her all too frequently. She doesn't know me. She doesn't remember talking to me, she doesn't remember my baby. I stupidly work in the same hospital that I delivered and lost my baby in.
DH wants to start ttc, I even scheduled my IUD removal. But I'm terrified. Absolutely terrified. We could be setting ourselves up for the worst pain, again. Noah had Meckel-Gruber Syndrome, it's genetic and as carriers we have a 1:4 chance of each pregnancy having this disorder. So I can't be happy, I'm just freaked out. When I see that stick turn positive, I'll probably have a panic attack. We won't know for 17 weeks whether the baby had it, so it would be 17 weeks of terror. And that's only the fear of this specific syndrome. Then there's all the other reasons we could lose him. I know that there is no "safe zone" as you women sadly know.
I came home yesterday and collapsed. I sobbed in my bed until DH came home. He was so concerned, he had no idea what was going on. I felt so stupid, I've been so strong since all of this, and then in one day I completely turn around and relapse. It feels like it just happened. I feel like my heart has been ripped out again. I can't imagine going through this all again. But I know we have to try. If we don't try, I'll hate myself even more. But for now, today. I'm going to feel this raw emotion. I'm going to hurt. Because that's what I need to do. It's sounds like such a emo thing to say, but... when I feel the pain, it's like I'm closer to him. When I'm not in pain, it's like he didn't exist. He did exist. He was very much my son.
Special thanks to AlexAiden Mommy for my precious siggy
Wow! You really ARE dealing with a lot...I finished reading your post thinking "Good for her!" FEELING the pain is huge. Allowing yourself to feel the pain is even bigger! You haven't relapsed...you definitely are making progress!!!
I'm sorry things are so bleak today...if you need to talk, I'm a PM away!
Hugs from Houston
oh gosh hun, this post has me in tears many many hugs ((())) its so d.a.m.n hard! hun i still cry my heart out seriously its good for the pain. sometimes i need a release a huge big release. i can't imagine having to work where i lost my baby hun you have strength for that!
as for your daughter seeing and singing and talking to your son thats the sweetest thing i don't know if it would give me comfort but its kind of nice that she says he smiles at her. makes you wonder huh?