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Hi ladies,
My name is Kelli. I have one son named Eli who turns 1 on Thursday. I am also pregnant with our second baby, a little girl that we have named Finley. My EDD is at the end of December, but unfortunately we have been told that our little girl probably won't make it that long.
I am in a kind of unique situation... pregnant and waiting for my little girl to pass inside of me. At 19 weeks I was diagnosed with low amniotic fluid. At 21 weeks I had a level 2 ultrasound in which the doctor basically told me that my baby must have some kind of lethal genetic disorder. At 24 weeks I was told that she is in heart failure and not developing properly anymore.
I was told to prepare for a stillbirth, but how do you prepare yourself for the loss of a child and the loss of a future? I'll be 25 weeks tomorrow and my OB is anticipating that her heart should stop beating very soon. At my last appointment her heart rate was only 68.
I'm sorry I sound like a robot typing this all out. It is very hard for me to talk about and I know NO ONE IRL who has gone through anything like this.
I don't even know why I am starting this post? For advice? For encouragement? For words of wisdom? For what to expect? I don't know. I just think I need to know that there are other people out there who have actually felt their heart breaking.... who have been given the "poor you" look and told that their baby wasn't ever going to experience this world or their mother's arms.
It is absolutely devastating....
(I have poured everything into my blog if you would like more details: The White House )
__________________
"For this child I prayed..." [1 Samuel 1:27]
Kelli
Blessed by Eli Grey [9/15/10]
Always remembering angel Finley Fayth [10/30/11]
Thankful for Jude Lawrence [11/9/12]
I'm so sorry you're faced with this. I lost my son, Clark, at 20 weeks on July 10, 2008. The only thing to say is that it just sucks. It's not fair and nothing anyone says or does will help.
Talk to your doctor about what you want that day. Spend as much time with your daughter as you can. Undress her, hold her, kiss her, bathe her if you want and take pictures. Have you heard of Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep photography?
I'm so sorry to hear about your precious daughter hun.
I was told at 17 weeks that my daughter wouldn't make it, she had anencephaly (a severe NTD where the skull doesn't form properly).
It's earth shattering seeing the world carry on as if nothing has changed when your world will never be the same again.
Being pregnant knowing that your baby will never make it home is heart wrenching, people notice pregnant women and ask the usual questions, you never know how to react to them. Complete strangers would ask me when I was due and if I was hoping for a boy or a girl. I'd tell them my due date and say I don't mind while inside my head I was screaming I just want my baby to live. How do you tell a complete stranger your baby won't make it.
My heart aches for you hun, it really does xxxxx
I'm so very sorry for the situation but I am really glad you came to us!
There's nothing like knowing you're not alone in this really big world!!!!
We're here if and when you need us....from now on!
Welcome to our wonderfully close family!
I'm glad to see you posting over here Kelli (not that we want new members, but if we have to have them it's a great support place)...I've been following your posts on JM and your blog...i'm so sorry this is happening to you ...I didn't know my daughter was going to be stillborn ahead of time, but I did know for a week before she was born...This board helped me to prepare in that week for her birth, and I was so greatful for all the advice and support everyone gave me...If you need to know anything or want to ask any questions i'm sure we'd all be more than happy to answer/help...This is something I wish no one would have to go through...Please know that i'm keeping you and Finley in my thoughts and prayers.
Sad welcome to you here. We share Sept 2010 board, but I would never imagined in million years you come join us here . It sucks and is really unfair. And I'm really sorry for what you're going thru. But you've come to the right place. This board had become an incredible place of support for me during the most difficult time. The ladies here are amazing. We understand each other here, but outside of this board only a few if any at all could understand us. Although our situations are different, there are other ladies here who had a similar experience and would be able to answer your questions.
To this day I personally really regret not spending time with Eric, not being able to take his pictures (I only have one done by the hospital). I was in complete shock when he was stillborn and so ignorant about stillbirth at the time and didn't get a chance to do all the things with him I wish I would've done. I wish I could hold him and touch him and kiss him.... I wish I was more prepared...
Again, I'm really sorry. I will be thinking of you and your family in this difficult time.
__________________
Helen
Last edited by helen123; September 13th, 2011 at 11:32 PM.
Hello and a sad welcome to our board. I don't think there is any way to prepare yourself for something so completely devastating as losing a child. My son, Bryan Luke, was stillborn very unexpectedly in August 2007.
I think you have gotten some good advice. I wish someone would have said to me that it was OK to unwrap him, bathe him, turn him over and memorize every part of him. I was so scared to do so that I didn't see his whole body ever. That is my one everlasting regret. Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep is an unbelievably wonderful program, and I highly encourage you to make sure your hospital calls someone in for you. If they don't have it where you live, consider getting someone to come in and photograph everything for you... even if it is just a family member. The pictures are all I have now and I can't say how much I value every one I have and I have so few.
Also, get things like handprints, footprints, even do a plaster cast of her hand and/or foot (if possible).
Use her name (which I love BTW, what a beautiful choice) and let others know that you like it when they use her name too. People will take their cues from you, but be aware that many will have no idea how to respond... because, shoot, WE don't know how to respond in the face of something so horrible as losing your child.
Have you and your DH discussed a funeral or what you might do after? I know that was one of the hardest things we did. I kind of wish now that we had cremated our son because then I could have kept him with me, but many feel completely differently on that point. My son has a grave beside my brother's and my grandmother's. I'm happy he lies with them, but I am sad I can't go there as often as I would like. It all depends on your family and what you decide, but it is a question the nurses/hospital staff will have to ask you.
I'm praying for you and your family in this unbelievably difficult time!
I never in a million years would have thought that I would be THIS person, posting here. The one people are praying for. It helps to know that there are others out there who have an idea of what I am going through...
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jaidynsmum
Being pregnant knowing that your baby will never make it home is heart wrenching, people notice pregnant women and ask the usual questions, you never know how to react to them. Complete strangers would ask me when I was due and if I was hoping for a boy or a girl. I'd tell them my due date and say I don't mind while inside my head I was screaming I just want my baby to live. How do you tell a complete stranger your baby won't make it.
I've been thinking about this a lot lately. I'm 25 weeks and starting to really look pregnant. I know people notice and I dread the day when someone asks me how far along I am, if it's a boy or girl, etc. This is terrible, but part of me wishes it would happen sooner than later so I can be done being pregnant. I don't want the attention and the belly and the looks and questions...
__________________
"For this child I prayed..." [1 Samuel 1:27]
Kelli
Blessed by Eli Grey [9/15/10]
Always remembering angel Finley Fayth [10/30/11]
Thankful for Jude Lawrence [11/9/12]
Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep is an unbelievably wonderful program, and I highly encourage you to make sure your hospital calls someone in for you.
Have you and your DH discussed a funeral or what you might do after? I know that was one of the hardest things we did.
I have had so many people tell me about NILMDTS and I am so grateful because I don't think it is something I would have thought about! I contacted a local coordinator in my area.
We have talked about it a little bit, but I just don't know how to go about it. Am I just supposed to call funeral homes in the area and tell them to expect my baby?! How does anyone know how to prepare for this? I have no idea what cremation would cost or even if we'd be able to afford it or how to handle it all. It's not just something you can google (or maybe I just don't want to)....
Thank you everyone for the warm welcome in this new community I find myself... I really appreciate all of your responses and your support.
I just don't know what questions to ask or how to "prepare" I guess and I knew I needed to come somewhere where people could understand.
__________________
"For this child I prayed..." [1 Samuel 1:27]
Kelli
Blessed by Eli Grey [9/15/10]
Always remembering angel Finley Fayth [10/30/11]
Thankful for Jude Lawrence [11/9/12]
Hi Kelli,
I've been following your story on the Sept. DDC and I wish you didn't have to join us here but the ladies here are all wonderful.
Like others have said, spend as much time as you want with your beautiful baby girl. Take lots of pictures and videos. If you have a Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep photographer in your area, make sure to use them.
Our hospital had a grievance counselor come and talk with us. She called the photographer for us as well as got any questions answered that we had. She talked to us about burial/cremation and when we made a decision, she called the cremation place and got that all set up for us. She called the billing people and figured out costs of things for us. Our hospital also had people that would come in and take plaster molds of baby's hands/feet and had memorial boxes that people painted that they give you to keep all of baby's stuff in (hospital ID bracelet, clothing, etc).
If you have any questions about certain things, feel free to ask us. We're here to help in any way possible. This is a place you can cry, vent, ask questions, etc.
We have talked about it a little bit, but I just don't know how to go about it. Am I just supposed to call funeral homes in the area and tell them to expect my baby?! How does anyone know how to prepare for this? I have no idea what cremation would cost or even if we'd be able to afford it or how to handle it all. It's not just something you can google (or maybe I just don't want to)....
The night we found out DS no longer had a heartbeat, we contacted the Pastor at our church. He was able to point us in the direction of a good funeral home, as well as some other resources, like a good florist. I believe, although my memory is foggy, that he contacted the funeral director for us and everything was set up (the pick-up from the hospital) before DS was even born. We then went to the funeral home the following day to make the arrangements. We chose to bury our DS and so we were able to provide an outfit as well as a blanket for him to be placed in and we placed a family picture as well as a stuffed animal from his brother in the casket before they closed it. Financially, the funeral and burial plot cost us around $1300. I would ask when you decide if they have any special programs/payment plans that could help. Also, some places have a special "baby" section in the cemetary. One local cemetary did, but we decided to go someplace where we could purchase the plots next to DS so we could all be buried together.
I'm sorry that you have found yourself here, joining us, and asking these questions. But the ladies here are great, and have a wealth of information to help in the process.
__________________
DS #1:
My precious angel DS#2:
My rainbow DS#3:
My Princess #4:
I have had so many people tell me about NILMDTS and I am so grateful because I don't think it is something I would have thought about! I contacted a local coordinator in my area.
We have talked about it a little bit, but I just don't know how to go about it. Am I just supposed to call funeral homes in the area and tell them to expect my baby?! How does anyone know how to prepare for this? I have no idea what cremation would cost or even if we'd be able to afford it or how to handle it all. It's not just something you can google (or maybe I just don't want to)....
Thank you everyone for the warm welcome in this new community I find myself... I really appreciate all of your responses and your support.
I just don't know what questions to ask or how to "prepare" I guess and I knew I needed to come somewhere where people could understand.
My hospital had a program and nurses that helped me with things I knew nothing about...They contacted NILMDTS (which I ended up not using), and the funeral home...Also, many places will cremate stillborn babies for free...I had Ella cremated, and all I had to do was buy an urn (which was a hard choice)...Something i'm glad I did was take some memento's (her own blanket, some toys and other small things)...It's nice to have things that were ment for her and I can look at now (we took her pictures with things)...The hospital was also good about giving us things (clothes, hat etc)...I'm going to ditto to taking pictures, and lots of them...I'm so glad for the pictures I Took, and I thought i had enough and almost 2 years later i'm wishing I had more pictures...Spend as much time with her as you want, don't let anyone make you feel like you shouldn't...I kept her in my room for over 19 hours after her birth, and it still wasn't enough time...It's something you wont ever get back.
The place that cremated our Eli for us did it for free. I know of other people that chose burial too and since it was a stillborn baby, a lot of their fees were waived by the funeral home. The hospital also did the autopsy for free for us (we chose to have the autopsy done so we could try and find out what caused our Eli to be stillborn). These are hard things to think about but if you start thinking about them now, it won't be such a hard decision because you won't be making it in the heat of the moment.
Yes, our local funeral home actually gave us a coffin/vault and did not charge us anything for the funeral and the cemetery where he is buried gave us the plot as well and didn't charge for the opening and closing. The only expense we had was his headstone which my DH's grandfather actually paid for. I wouldn't worry about the cost of things... usually that in and of itself works out. The hospital staff should have someone who can help you find a good place to work with as well if you don't have a funeral home that your family already uses or something like that. I believe cremation is actually cheaper than the cost of the funeral and such usually.
One thing I have decided now and have recently talked with my cemetery about is that I'll be buried under my son when I die and my DH will be beside us. His casket is only 4ft down and usually adults are much farther (6-7ft) so it will work fine to do that. The cemetery said it wouldn't cost anymore either.
We actually got paid from our life insurance as if Colm was born living. That might be something to check into, I know not all life insurance companies do that, but some do.
Are you taking belly pictures? I know that sounds weird, but I didn't take any with Colm and I still regret it. We thought about doing some in the hospital before the induction, but we didn't. I thought about asking hubby and he thought about offering but neither one of us actually verbalized those thoughts. And now I wish I had. Just as another thing to remember his life by. To know that I cherished every minute with him alive inside me.
I am so very sorry that you will be joining us here. It just sucks, royally.
__________________
When they persisted in questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, "Let the person among you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her." John 8:7 Sail Back to Me
I'm sorry I'm a little late on this, but I've responded to your blog a couple times. Cora's cremation was also done for free. Luckily my bishop was the one who called around to funeral homes for us. They had it arranged so that as soon as we were ready the man from the funeral home came to pick up her body.
I didn't know about NILMDTS at the time, and I really wish I had. It was just me and Matt to take pictures. I didn't think about getting pictures of her hands or feet, or of all 3 of us together. A sweet friend of mine DID however give us a frame/plaster print kit so we got her hand print, which I treasure.
Clark's cremation wasn't free but it was reduced. Also, the funeral home contacted a foundation called The Unforgettables who help offset costs for the burial of children and they sent us a check that covered a good portion of the cremation.
I personally like having Clark here with us. My dh and I both have rings that hold a portion of his ashes.
Malachi's cremation was free. We decided to purchase an urn from the funeral home.
We had a few pictures taken with our son.
I am grateful for the pictures
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Outing myself as a lurker... (preg/anticipated stillbirth mentioned)
...I didn't know my daughter was going to be stillborn ahead of time, but I did know for a week before she was born...This board helped me to prepare in that week for her birth, and I was so greatful for all the advice and support everyone gave me...If you need to know anything or want to ask any questions i'm sure we'd all be more than happy to answer/help...This is something I wish no one would have to go through...Please know that i'm keeping you and Finley in my thoughts and prayers.
Forever Missing My Baby Girl Ella Grace 
How does anyone know how to prepare for this? I have no idea what cremation would cost or even if we'd be able to afford it or how to handle it all. It's not just something you can google (or maybe I just don't want to)....
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