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Forum: Stillbirth

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  • 1 Post By littlebeansmommy

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  #1  
November 21st, 2011, 07:33 AM
white.house's Avatar Kelli
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Southeastern, USA
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I've been reading a few books on Stillbirth and one of them stated that after experiencing such a loss it's like you automatically join a secret society that you never wanted to be a part of. I am finding that to be more and more true, so I've decided to come here to tell our story and to find/give support

It's been 3 weeks since we lost our daughter. She was born still at almost 33 weeks gestation. She was 4lbs 12oz and 16 inches long. Her name is Finley Fayth and I miss her more than words can say.
During my pregnancy there seemed to be a few complications. At 19 weeks we were told that my fluid was low and we were referred to a specialist. Around 23 weeks they noticed some swelling and abnormalities in her heart, they told us to prepare for her death within the week. She held on. She was a fighter. At around 30 weeks we were given hope. We met with a fetal cardiologist who told us her heart was perfect. We started to prepare to bring our little girl home. We were happy.
Then on Friday morning, October 28th, we saw that our little girl no longer had a heart beat.
I was induced on Saturday morning. After a long, painful, and traumatic (physically) labor our sweet girl was brought into this world. She was born into a room full of people who love her and think about her everyday. It's a tragedy that no one should experience.

Now I am here. Still trying to navigate "life after". It's harder than anyone can imagine and so confusing at times.
How do you answer people who ask, "Where is you baby?" or "I thought you were pregnant?". I know people mean well and feel awful when they find out. How do I tell them without laying the weight of the world on them?
How do you answer when people (acquaintances) ask how many children you have? In my mind I have 2 children, but I don't want to drag them unnecessarily into a dark place. Has how you answer this question changed as time has gone on?
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eli grey [9.15.10]
jude lawrence [11.9.12]

forever loving our best girl, finley [born still 10.30.11]
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  #2  
November 21st, 2011, 08:37 AM
BlessednHighlyFavored's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I lost my 1st born and only child at 39 weeks. I can not fix my mouth to say I don't have any children because he was a part of my family before he was. So I answer with saying I have 1. I ususally don't tell that passed unless they start to talk about how he gets on my nerve and things like that.It also depends on my mood for the day.Hugs to you because nobody wants to be here.
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  #3  
November 21st, 2011, 10:23 AM
kazarmo's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I've never experienced the loss of a child, and I'm sure I will not be able to understand the pain you and your family are in. I just wanted to tell you that there are strangers in this world (me)who cry for you and your baby girl.
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  #4  
November 21st, 2011, 01:34 PM
littlebeansmommy's Avatar Super Mommy
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My responses do change depending on the situation I'm in and whether I feel like elborating on my story. I usually say that I have 4 children, and will even give ages when asked, omitting my angel's age in the count. I'm usually given a strange look but most people don't ask any additional questions. If I feel up to sharing my story, I will give full details that DS was stillborn.

As for the questions about what happened to the baby or weren't you pregnant, it definitely depended on my frame of mind on any given day. I found it worked best for me to approach it with the truth. I was honest about the stillbirth. Uncomfortable, yes, for both the person asking as well as myself, but I felt (and still do feel) like he needed to be acknowledged for the sweet baby angel that he is. It became very important for me to have him recognized as my child and I still become urked by when he's not even today.

I think most importantly is to figure out what feels best and works best for you. It is hard to become a mommy in this secret society. It's hard to watch life move on for everyone else when you are still stuck at that moment when you were blessed to become a mommy in this society. As time goes by, you'll find yourself with standard answers you give that you are satisfied with.

Finley sounds like she was an incredibly precious little girl.
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  #5  
November 21st, 2011, 02:02 PM
Super Mommy
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Welcome and so sorry for your loss! I haven't been asked that dreadful question "How many children do you have?" yet. It's only been 5 weeks for me. I don't know what I'll say. I guess like others have said, my answer will depend on my mood. I have been asked "How's the baby doing?" It's so horrible hearing that. My little cousin asked last night if he could listen to the baby. Ugh.
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  #6  
November 21st, 2011, 04:00 PM
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I'm so sorry for your loss. The 'how many kids do you have' question is the worse. I'm expecting now, so I'm really uncomfortable answering it.
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  #7  
November 21st, 2011, 11:36 PM
claire1979's Avatar mummy to a special angel
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Alot of people already knew that jessica had died after hearing about it and well kind of gossiping behind my back, im the lady whos baby died.

with total stranger i almost always say i have 6 kids and that one is in heaven, depending on the person and how im feeling x

so so sorry kelli (())
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  #8  
November 22nd, 2011, 07:51 AM
noworries
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I am so sorry that you've had to join us but this is a great group of ladies and we are here for you.
Like others have said, my answers depend on the situation and my mood. If it is someone I am likely to see again then I usually tell them I have a son in heaven and elaborate if they ask. But, not always. I've avoided it with my neighbor because she is pregnant and death freaks her out. I have told other pregnant friends but only because I knew they could handle it.
If it's a complete stranger, sometimes I tell them about Eli and sometimes I don't. It just depends if I want to deal with the uncomfortableness or not. And I know that Eli knows how much I love him and he doesn't care what I tell people.
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  #9  
November 22nd, 2011, 09:39 PM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
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Location: Littleton, CO
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I hate this question. I think it's the single worst thing in the world.

If it someone who will get to know our family...I tell them about Cora. If it's someone random in a store, it depends on my mood, but I usually answer something like "I have 3 at home." People usually don't ask further than that. It was really hard at first, but since I've just had my 3rd rainbow baby, I guess I'm used to it now.

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  #10  
November 25th, 2011, 11:44 AM
MeganMomof5's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I'm really sorry Kelli

I still struggle with the "how many children" you have...In my mind and heart I know that I know have 6...I sometimes say that I have 5 (or 4 before Jakob was born)...Sometimes I say "5 living" and that our daughter was stillborn...It depends on the situation, and who i'm talking to.
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  #11  
November 25th, 2011, 11:43 PM
Mega Super Mommy
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Like other ladies here, it depends who asks. Honestly, I haven't been asked this question too much. It was really hard to deal with questions in the beginning, especially when I returned to work after Eric was stillborn. But you do get used to these questions . I'm really sorry you had to join the"secret" society.
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  #12  
November 27th, 2011, 03:42 PM
Jaidynsmum's Avatar Dreams do come true....
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I'm so sorry for your loss hun.
I always say I have 5 children. Some people don't ask any further (although the odd eyebrow does get raised) others might ask their ages, I always reply with my first daughter was stillborn and I have a.....then list their ages. After 17 years I can say it and not take anyone into that 'dark place' as I can turn the conversation in a direction that takes any 'discomfort' away from the person.
In the beginning it was hard, especially as Ceilidh was my first child, so people got taken to that 'dark place' as I felt so raw.
Sadly stillbirth is one of those taboo things, people know it happens but refuse to think about it. People don't know how to 'handle' us, how do they act around us, what do they say, what can they do? They don't know the answer and so avoid it altogether.
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  #13  
November 28th, 2011, 03:11 AM
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I always tell people I have three. Usually people don't ask for clarification. If they do I tell them I have my two older girls and then their baby sister who died at about a month old.
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  #14  
November 28th, 2011, 05:25 PM
white.house's Avatar Kelli
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Southeastern, USA
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I feel strange saying this, but thank you for the welcome. It's strangely comforting to know that there are others who get it, although it is something I wish others DIDN'T get

Last week I was asked, "Is he your only one?" (referring to my son) and I said "Yes" after hesitating. I still feel guilty; like a horrible mother and like I've failed her. I wish I would have said no, but it caught me off guard! What complicated feelings and thoughts I have. Still can't believe it's almost been a month.
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eli grey [9.15.10]
jude lawrence [11.9.12]

forever loving our best girl, finley [born still 10.30.11]
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  #15  
November 28th, 2011, 09:10 PM
FL Mama's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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For people I don't really know, but see in my regular life, I just told them that the baby passed away. That seems to be enough for them, and it works for me. When I am asked how many children I have, as others have said, it depends on the situation. If we aren't close I tell them I have 2 - my two boys. If I know you better or get to know you better and the subject comes up I tell them I have 4 - 2 here and 2 in heaven. It just depends on the person and the situation. It's harder with a stillbirth because you WANT to tell them the story and all the details. It's like a badge we wear, yk? We don't like wearing it, but it's there and it's ours and not telling the whole story feels like you are hiding or ashamed. But not everybody NEEDS to know the details.

BTW, my boys and I participated in the Pumpkins for Finley. It was our honor, and helped us in our healing from our loss. Just so you can make the connection in your book of pictures, these were our pumpkins:



We are here anytime you need to talk.vent. So sorry for your loss.
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  #16  
December 9th, 2011, 05:52 AM
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I am so sorry for your loss. I haven't been around much lately, but my name is Laurie and my daughter was born still in June 2008 at 24 weeks gestation and my son was born still in August 2009 at 25 weeks gestation.
I think we've all struggled with the questions and answers that you've mentioned, and for me it depends on who I'm talking to and my mood. It's terrible to say, but when I've been at my lowest I don't care if I 'depress' someone else with my truth. In those moments, I think that their momentary discomfort is insignificant against my endless pain and grief. Pretty nasty, I know, but in those moments I just give them the truth. "My baby was stillborn" or "I have two living and two that were stillborn". Those angry moments happen less lately, but I got tired of struggling to answer questions in a way that was most agreeable to others when I had more than enough on my plate by just getting through the day.
Now, when I'm not hurting so much, if it is some passing stranger that isn't going to be involved in my life long term, I usually say that I have a son that is 7 years old and a daughter that is 4 months old. It is a lie by omission, I suppose, but I look at it as answering the question of 'have'. I don't 'have' Eva and Declan with me, which is what tears my heart apart. If it is someone that is going to be around for some time, then I just tell them the facts. It is easier on me because it is less emotional for me, and it is easier on them because they aren't getting the 'story' up front. I just say that I have two living and two that were stillborn. It is up to them whether they want to ask more questions.
The secret society thing is bang on. It is the saddest club with the worst possible initiation. I'm sorry you had to join us, but this group of ladies are incredible and have helped me more than words can express.
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  #17  
December 14th, 2011, 10:36 AM
liza17's Avatar Regular
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When I came home from the hospital the worst thing was when people that have seen me pregnant asked me "oh you had your baby" or "Did you have the baby yet?" I would reply we lost him and leave right away. I do have a huge family that I asked not to comunicate with me for a month because I did not want anyone to see me so sad or answer any of their questions.
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  #18  
December 14th, 2011, 04:21 PM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
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Quote:
Originally Posted by liza17 View Post
When I came home from the hospital the worst thing was when people that have seen me pregnant asked me "oh you had your baby" or "Did you have the baby yet?" I would reply we lost him and leave right away. I do have a huge family that I asked not to comunicate with me for a month because I did not want anyone to see me so sad or answer any of their questions.
Oh my goodness yes. The day Cora was born was my last scheduled day of work before maternity leave. I was on "any day now" terms with all our regular customers. When she died, my boss told all my coworkers, but none of our customers knew. They, of course, expected that I'd gone into labor and had my baby like normal.

When I came back, everyone said "Oh, you're back! How's your baby?" WITHOUT fail. And since I didn't see EVERY one of our regulars on my shifts, it went on for weeks. I had to get a new job.
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  #19  
December 20th, 2011, 02:12 PM
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I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost a little girl at 20 wks, 6 days. I was very pregnant looking when I had my loss. There was no hiding when I came back to work with a flat tummy. My boss was great, and let people know ahead of time, but I work in a hospital, so there's a lot of people that I encountered that didn't work every day with me. They would be so excited, "Oh! You had your baby! How exciting!" Then, I had to break the news. I would say, "My baby passed away." It was very awkward for both of us, but I had to do it.

Since this has happened so recently for you, the holidays can be really tough, especially the first year. I was in group counseling at that time, and learned a lot. I had difficulty with everyone else seeming to be going on with their life, getting drunk, partying, and I felt they could care less that I was in pain. One thing I learned in group counseling and I will offer it to you, if you don't feel like going to an office party, family gathering, holiday event, or putting up a tree, then don't. It's your time, and you have got to do what you have got to do to get through it.
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