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I never thought I'd end up here, but... here I am. It's hard to believe nearly 8 months ago I ran across this website shocked and in awe that I was pregnant. I took a ton of pregnancy tests and asked "Am I pregnant?" message board if this was real. I never imagined I'd go from that, to a DDC, to here. I never thought I'd have the strength to talk about it so early. I thought it might take me weeks to work up the strength. But I've always found writing to be very therapeutic, so I'm not surprised at all that I've on here tonight writing this.
5:51 AM 7/30/2012 is the day I gave birth to an angel that I was almost too frightened to want to see. It started Sunday morning when I woke up with the sharpest pains. I thought it was a case of braxton hicks but it continued forever and was really severe. I finally decided to call my midwife who seemed concerned and asked a question that triggered a fear. She asked if I had felt him move at all ... and I realized that I didn't. The last time I felt him move was when I was half asleep. His tiny hands moving against my belly as I laid to my side. In fear I rushed to my heart doppler and checked my stomach. I heard nothing... and my heart stopped.
My husband and I rushed to the hospital instead of waiting for the midwife to call us back. I was then transferred to a bigger hospital where I was told the most ... heartbreaking news ever... that his heart had stopped. I knew it already but some part of me wanted to believe maybe he turned himself in a way I couldn't pick it up. But no, it was very real, and my own heart stopped for a minute. From then on I just... went through it. I was dead inside for the next several hours I labored. I can't even remember most of it. I was just grieving forever.
This was my first baby and my first time delivering one. All I could think was how unfair this was that I was going to be a first time mom and have nothing to show for it. I was so dead that I told the nurses I did not want to see him because I was sure I would break down or worse. But the moment he came to this world and my husband tried to cover my eyes, I moved his hand and blurted 'I want to see my baby'. The best decision I ever made.
We spent the next few hours holding and admiring him. Noticing all the traits he picked up from my husband and the way he looked like me, too. He was perfect. Absolutely perfect. The most beautiful baby boy I have ever laid eyes on and it made my heart soar knowing my husband and I created this life even if he was no longer with us.
We made arrangements to have him cremated so that we could bring him home in an urn. My husband and I could not BARE the thought of just handing him over to the hospital and knowing he would be cremated or buried among dozens of other babies. He isn't trash. I did not want to let him go to that fate. So in a few days he will be home. Not in the state I'd like him to be but home... with his family.
It's hard to think that I went through 32 weeks carrying something I did not realize was so special to me. I keep blaming myself for the reasons he passed because the doctors said it was due to severe preclampsia. It breaks me because all my prenatal care visits were normal. All my ultrasounds, all my check ups, and my blood pressure were always normal. Always, always, always. Everything was PERFECT. My last visit was even that Friday... so how did two days later I suddenly had high BP? I don't know. And that is what kills me. I will never know what happened. Because I refused to do an autopsy so they have nothing but the placenta and my BP to go off of. There was blood clots in the placenta and they believe it was slightly tearing. But it isn't a definite answer and just what they believe based off what they have. I don't know but I realize I was silly to go into this so lightly. I love the Birth Center I was going to but I feel that if I went to an OB/GYN.. maybe... just maybe.... all their equipment could have picked this up sooner. Maybe? I just can't help feeling like I could have saved him.
Everyone says don't blame yourself but I will continue to do so because that is how I feel.
And now? Welll... now I just want to try again. So much. My husband wants that even more than I do. We want to try again. We want to give Alexander a brother or sister. And this time I feel like I will do EVERYTHING right. I feel guilty for wanting to try again because I don't want to replace him. But he was my first, my first son, my first child... and wanted so very very much. But now more than ever the desire to be a mother has never been stronger.
So I will hope for a Rainbow baby. And I will take each day one step at a time.
And now that I have written out everything... I hope these next few weeks will go by fine.
Last edited by Pleione; July 31st, 2012 at 09:07 PM.
I am so incredibly sorry Sabrina. I can not imagine what you are going through right now. I am crying so much right now and hurting for you so very badly. I will continue to pray for you and your husband and precious Alexander. I hope you will soon be able to have your rainbow baby.
Sabrina, I admire your honesty, and your strength in being able to write all of this so soon after your loss. With time, I hope you are able to forgive yourself and stop the "what if's" from forming in your mind... it can take a long time to get to that place, but I believe one day you will get there. As for trying again, what better way to honor Alexander than to bring a sibling into this world? I wish you every happiness in the future, and hope you are holding your rainbow baby in your arms soon.
I'm sorry to have to welcome you here but I do so knowing that the ladies here are amazing and we are here to help you as you grieve the loss of your precious Alexander.
I'm Carrie, my second child, Eli, was stillborn on August 29th, 2009. It will be 3 years since he has been gone in just a few weeks and I still miss him a lot.
This is something that you never get over but with time, as you grieve, you learn to live with the pain and learn a new normal and learn to be happy again.
I think that the feeling of wanting to get pregnant again right away is pretty normal. I know that is how I felt and many of the other mama's here felt that way too. I hope you get your rainbow baby soon.
It's also normal to blame yourself and think of the what if's. Please know that this is not your fault and you did everything you could during your pregnancy to protect your baby boy.
Sabrina, I'm so sorry for the loss of your angel. Thank you for sharing your story, he was clearly very much loved and will be forever. His photo is beautiful too. I hope you can find a peace within yourself to know this wasn't in your control. It's so unusual that no issues ever came up with your prenatal care, this was probably just one of those terrible things that just happen.
I hope you can bring a sibling into your family soon for Alexander. I'm sure he'll forever hold a very special place in your family.
Thank you for sharing your experience. I have been frantically searching for a message board to join that had something that could help me through the same situation. On Monday July 30, 2012 I too gave birth to a beautiful still baby girl. I was 38 weeks and 3 days, I noticed on Saturday night around 11:00 pm that I had not felt my daughter move earlier that day. I made a call to my doctor and she told me to go over to the hospital. When I arrived I waited in the triage room for the nurse to come and listen for the babys heartbeat that we were not able to detect, she called the doctor in for an ultrasound and my husband and I received the worst news ever. Her heart no longer had a beat and we had to deliver her within the next few hours. I was able to wait for my parents to get into town that lives two hours away before going back to be admitted. It was the worst day of my life, just like you I wanted to see my daughter after being apprehensive at first however was happy that I made the decision to see her. Like your son, my daughter was perfect and I couldnt understand why this had happened. Once she was delivered it was discovered that her cord had wrapped around her neck 3 times, I was horrified and immediately blamed my doctor who denied my earlier request for more ultrasounds throughout my pregnancy as well as denying my request for a NST. This week has been very hard for me, I have to take sleeping meds to help me to get rest, not to mention this being my first child I am going through physical changes like my milk that has come in with no baby to feed, this hurts me everyday ! I pray that we both are able to get through this hard time and if would like to email me to keep in touch I would love that ! I know that there is light at the end of the tunnel but with with everything being so fresh its still a very hard pill to swallow. I wish you and your husband the best and pray you all get through this hard time
I am so sorry for the loss of your son. I am saddened to see so many new members joining us. My daughter was born still in 2008 and my son was born still in 2009, and I hope this board helps you as it did me.
Wanting to be pregnant again is normal. You lost your son, but you also lost the dream of parenting him. You were going to have a sweet baby, and you were going to change diapers, and give baths, and see the first smile, and have his chubby hand in yours. It is natural to want to regain some tiny part of what you lost. A lot of people will advise you to wait, but you will know when you are ready, and it won't mean that you've forgotten Alexander or that you're trying to replace him, it just means that you are living with and despite his loss.
When you get pregnant again, it will be a difficult and emotional journey. You say you will do everything right, and I understand your mindset. I thought that I just had to do or not do a certain number of things, and then everything would be fine. Like performing a secret handshake so I could join the club, and that's OK if it gives you a sense of control, but I try to remember that you did not cause this. I think we blame ourselves because it is easier than realizing that something so devastating and important can be beyond our control, but sadly this is exactly the case. You did all the things you were advised to do, you had prenatal care, you called your midwife when you first detected a problem. In short, you did everything you could. You are a great mommy to Alexander, and you will be a great mommy to your rainbow. ((hugs))
Thank you ladies for your words of comfort. I am doing better with each passing day, though it still hurts considering I was so close. Being a mother has been something I wanted for years and years... and when that opportunity finally came, I felt robbed.
I never planned baby Alexander, but I found him to be a blessing in our life. Now that I am a mother to an angel, I wish to try again and be a mother to a sister or brother for Alex. It's all I think about. The desire for it has never been stronger... and from what I read, this is absolutely normal.
ypreston, you are in my heart. Knowing that you felt the same dreaded feeling I did on the 30th... it breaks my heart. But you're not alone. And I hope you come back to the forums and maybe together we can get through this. JM is a wonderful place. I don't feel alone and I'd hate for you to feel alone.