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Hi, My name is allison im 23 years old soon to be 24... Heres my story...
I belonged to the Nov 12 DDC. I was so excited to be having a baby, i couldnt believe i was going to be in charge of another life that i made with my boyfriend of 4 years, whom i love deeply.
We both were having a mixture of emotions as the reality of having a baby was becoming more and more real as my DUe Date Nov 30th came closer. I could not wait to have my baby in my arms and become his mommy. I wanted to give him the world, and he was going to be my world. I was prepared to be the best mother i could and to put his needs before mine. I felt so lucky the whole time i was prego, it seemed so easy, like anyone could do it, and its not hard. . . I didnt get MS, i didnt get heartburn, i didnt get hemroids, i didnt swell, my body never ached, the only thing that really affected me was being more tired then usual, so i slept more but other then that it was a wonderfully easy and healthy pregnancy, baby was growing on target and he was such an active mover, i rarely went more then a couple hours without feeling him moved...I loved feeling him inside me. Nov 23 Came, Black Friday,. I worked all day and i was having back cramps like my period and i was pretty excited i hadnt felt any braxton hicks thru my entire prego so i thought this was the beginning of early labor becuz the pain would become more intense and then less intense i n intervals. Half way through work i also noticed that my mucous pug i had came out that confirmed my belief that in within a few days id have my sweet baby david...but thru out the day i noticed i havent felt my baby move since i went to bed the nite before, idk if he was moving while i was asleep, cuz it never would wake me up...So i was slighty concerned with the lack of movment but i knew that babies did move as much in labor and plus as they get bigger they dont move as much ( but it didnt really fit my situation becuz it was a gradual process of movments slowing, it was no movenment all day wen thats never happened before)...But they day wernt on and i couldnt get him to move i was shakin and pokin my stomach trying to get him to wiggle, but nothing, oce i got home around 7pm i ate and drank a glass of cold water laid on my left side and nothing, by 10 o clock i decided that everything is probbly ok, but i knew i wouldnt be able to sleep without knowing for sure, so for peace of mind i decided it was best to go to the hospital becuz either everythings ok, and i will be able to sleep without worrying, or somethings wrong and he has to be delievered...I got to the hospital around 11 pm. My boyfriend i were very nervous right before they put the heart montior on me, but sure enough there was a steady heartbeat of 160, and the docs told me they could here when he moved, and that he was moving. I felt such relief. My boyfriend and i were actually a lil irritated because we were both very tired, and now that we knew he was ok we just wanted to get home to sleep, but the docs said they have to monitor him for a lil while to make sure he is moving enough and such, standard stuff before they are allowed to send me home...I watched the heart monitor the whole time because my boyfriend david was falling asleep, and i was tired and in pain from the cramps, then a while later the nurse came in to put an IV in to hydrate me more and get him moving more. I guess he wasant moving enough?? But they said he looked great on the monitor they just were being cautious...Maybe 30 45 mins after they put the I.V. all the sudden the monitor goes from 160 bpm to 50bpm for about 30ish seconds ( this is from my best memory, because it all happened so fast. ) then it went from 50bpm to deadline 0. My heart sank i was so scared because it was not going back up it seemed like an eternity, but probably was only 2 3 mins, before they had put a cathetor in me and were wheeling me in for an emergency c section. In the mean time David had woke up and was confused and scared, but he looked at me and said everything was going to be ok. I was shaking sooo sooo bad. They had to put me under there was no time for epi they said. The last thing my doc said to me before falling asleep was that they had found his heartbeat and they were going to get him out quickly. I was very relieved they said they had found his heartbeat...Then i was asleep. When i woke up, the first thing i remeber was asking how is my baby? the nurse replied and said they are working on him, and i knew that he was gone. I said is my baby dead? and she said Yes... i was in shock i didnt even cry i dont know what thots were running thru my mind i just remeber staring , until i saw David and i started to cry saying hes dead. He told me the doc said that his umbilicord was wrapped around his body and neck, and that he had alot of meconium in his lungs.
he said that he never had a heart beat so he was considered still born...they asked me if i wanted to see and hold him, and at first i said no because i will cry and it will hurt, and the nurse said oh dont worry bout that, when every you feel pain let me know and i will give dilaudid or something...So i saw and held him, and im soo glad i did actually i regret not spending more time with him. He looked exactly how i feel like he should, like i would have never been able to describe it before seeing him but once i saw him it just looked so perfect, he had my feet nose and butt chin, and Davids skin color body and bone structure and he had a good mix of our hair. SO perfect... The c-section was not as bad as i thought it would be, they had me on morphine, and then perc and it really helped with the pain, and by the time i was discharged the pain was minimal and i still had percs i could take. We named him David Laverne Kraemer 3rd after his dad whos David JR. We buried him a week later. The hospital gave us a memory box with footprints/handprints/his blanket they used for him/ a necklace they had takein pics with him wearing/ is hospital braclet/ his baby hat and shirt/ and they took very nice pictures for us... I think of my baby every day and i dont think that will ever change, but im trying to look at it as motivation... I still want to have a baby, and i am going to work towards being ready to get prego again, and baby david motivates me to do the best i can each day....Love Always Your Mommy
Thanks, I finally wrote my story, i felt like it would be theraputic...Since the both of you have had similar losses is there anything you did in particular that really helped you accept what has happened and to grow and learn to live in this different world
I just took it at a day at a time, it was hard, emotional and hurt like hell (sometimes still does) in time it becomes easier to bare the hurt in your heart never leaves but you learn to live with it. I will never ''get over it''. I can think and look at her pictures now and smile i couldn't in the first few years without tears streaming.
I'm so sorry for your loss hun, I lost my first daughter, Ceilidh, 18 years ago. Take things day by day, week by week, month by month, one day, like Claire said, you will look at his picture and smile, no tears, just sheer pride of being his mother.
I lost my baby 2 years ago.He had the cord wrapped around his neck at 37wks..This bored helped me everyday and through my next pregnancy too..I now have a 1 year old boy and its still very hard not to think about the one boy I lost..writing helps..reading helps..gets easier with time.
I am so glad I found your story. We were DDB in the November group, and I think of you all the time. I am so, so very sorry for your loss and hope you found peace in the writing of your story. I pray you hold another baby in your arms soon. God Bless.