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  #1  
April 20th, 2007, 12:48 PM
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I starting reading a little bit on here and I realized that I am not as strong as you ladies. I am still so mad, hurt, upset, and every other emotion in the world. I am completely lost after losing my sweet little girl that we tried for 5 years to have.

I guess I should start by telling my story. My dh and I tried to get pregnant for nearly 5 years and we went through 3 mc's and now at almost 28 weeks I found out that my baby had died. I am diabetic, type 1, and I knew that this was going to be a long hard journey, but I never knew that it would ever be this HARD. My doctors have assured me that I did really well with my diabetes control and I was told that sometimes this just happens and there is only an answer half of the time. I can't stop blaming myself for losing my little girl. I was supposed to keep her safe and sound. What did I do wrong? What could I have done differently? Why did this happen now? I know this sounds horrible but I almost expected another mc, but after the 4th, 5th, 6th, month I started to think that I was out of the danger zone, and then the worst thing happened.

Now my boobs are so full of milk and I keep aching to have my little girl feed. This is the most cruel joke my body could ever play on me. How long will my bb's hurt and how long before the milk will dry up?

I feel so empty and so lost. I don't know how to deal with all of this pain. I even feel like there isn't much reason for me to live now, but after feeling the pain of losing my child I could never put my own parents through that much pain. I think that is the only reason I can't bring myself to hurt myself.

Are these normal feelings or should I get some antidepressants? I keep asking myself how much grief is normal. Then how much of it is just hormonal.

I am so tired of hearing people say that we can have another baby. I don't want another baby, I want MY Abby!! And to even think about getting pregnant again...I just don't know if I could ever go through this kind of pain again. I wouldn't want to be so detached from another pregnancy because of all of my fears, but my desire to be a mom hasn't gone away. I am a mommy to Abby, but I will never get to hear her say "mommy". I miss being pregnant though, but I have been told that even women that go on and have a normal pregnancy still miss being pregnant. I am sorry for rambling, I just have so many thoughts and feelings going on right now. Sometimes I wish I could just stop thinking or feeling for a short time.

Any advice on any of this would be greatly appreciated. I just want to get to a point where I can accept this. I am having such a hard time dealing with this. I am overwhelmed and I feel all alone. People around me mean well, but I cant stand hearing them say that they understand or know how I feel because they had a miscarriage. I have had mc's too and this is completely different. I felt her kick and punch me, I saw her swimming all around in there, I saw her wiggle her little toes. I gave birth to her.

I am sorry I am an emotional wreck right now. My little Abigail was born April 15th, at 3:59am. She was 1lb and 11 oz. and she was 14 inches long.
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  #3  
April 20th, 2007, 03:40 PM
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I am so sorry I really don't know what to say I cried reading your post, you and your family our in my thoughts & prayers.
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  #4  
April 20th, 2007, 06:58 PM
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I am sorry you have to be here. I wish I had the answer for you, but I kinda think everyone deals with it in their own way. For me the first week was the worst, the changing hormone levels sure didn't help.

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  #5  
April 20th, 2007, 07:36 PM
~ Liz ~'s Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I am SO SORRY that you had to join us here Please feel free to talk to us anytime of the day. We're HERE to talk to you! It definitely does help to let it all out. Even though we're a group that you don't know personally, we're all real people who have been where you are.

I'm so very sorry about Abigail and, like I said, we're here to talk to you.
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  #6  
April 20th, 2007, 08:07 PM
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I am so very sorry for your loss. My heart truly goes out to you. To go along with all the emotional trauma, you also have to deal with the physical issues that come with childbirth. Sooo sorry.
It may help engorgement to wear super tight fitting bras and shirts for a few days until the swelling goes down. Also, cabbage from the fridge between your bra and skin may relieve some of the discomfort.

Please know you are not alone. I pray that you have a strong support system around you to comfort you and give you lots of hugs. Your dear sweet Abby is safe in heaven now, living in happiness and a joy that is beyond our understanding. I hope you have faith in that.

I just don't know anything else to say to make you feel any better right now. Time will heal some of the pain, but your loss, unfortunately will always be with you. You will start feeling stronger with time and patience. Please be good to yourself and don't be a stranger.
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  #7  
April 21st, 2007, 11:31 AM
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Rhonda
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  #8  
April 21st, 2007, 11:37 AM
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Thank you all very much. Today had been an extremely hard day for me. One week ago today I was having contractions. I tried to make this montage, but can't seem to get the music I want on it. So here is a few pictures of my little girl for any of you that would like to see.

http://www.onetruemedia.com/my_shared?z=18...medium=text_url
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  #9  
April 21st, 2007, 05:15 PM
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Oh, hon... your video is beautifully done.

I can very much identify with all of your feelings, only I had my other children to help. I am so sorry. Nothing you have said sounds abnormal... the aching, the sadness, the anger, the physical longing to feed and hold your child. All of that is normal. You are grieving, and it is a long, difficult process that all of us go through in our own way.

We will be here for you, as you need it. Take good care of yourself especially with eating well and getting enough rest. You are recovering physically as well. God bless you, Sweetie.
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  #10  
April 21st, 2007, 05:46 PM
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Hey you,

I am so sorry again hun. I cant imagine how painful this is. I have said it before but please DO NOT hesitate to email me or anything. I am always here for you. I am so very sorry.

-Ash
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  #11  
April 22nd, 2007, 05:24 AM
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Rhonda, what a loving tribute to your beautiful angel.....my tears are flowing hard right now.
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  #12  
April 22nd, 2007, 07:05 AM
Mom2LinaNangels's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I am so sorry your sweet Abby is not in your arms. I really have no words, hang in there.
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  #13  
April 22nd, 2007, 10:50 AM
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Thank you all for your support. I definitely need it all right now. It's one week today since my baby was born. I am still feeling so many different things. I feel like I want to try again right away, but I know that my body and mind are probably not ready for that. I haven't even seen my dr. to find out when we can start trying again. I feel kind of guilty for wanting to have another baby and we don't even know what went wrong wtih this pregnancy. My desire for being a mom to a baby that I can hold and teach and do all of those things that we dream of doing for our little ones hasn't gone away. I keep telling myself that I always wanted a couple children, so why should that change? I know that another baby won't replace my Abby, but I just have so much love that I want to give and my dh is the best daddy in the world and he deserves to have a baby to hold in his arms too. I feel bad and think that I have already put my husband through so much, ttc for 5 years and 3 mc's and now the pain of losing our Abby is almost more than he can handle, but he is taking it so well. He is always my rock! I haven't even really supported him much and I know that he is hurting too. I feel like a horrible wife to him. He could have married anybody else, got pregnant right away and he could already have a couple children by now and never would have gone through this pain. We are talking about trying again in the near future, but now we are worried that we will get pregnant around the same time that we conceived Abby and then if we had the same due date we would worry even more, but if we wait even longer it might take another 5 years to get pregnant. So many worries and so many fears, all mixed in with the hormones and depression right now.

What were you all told about waiting? How long? I was nearly 7 months along, so I am not sure how long it takes for your body to heal up, but I read that there is a higher chance for preterm labor if you get pregnant right away. I just don't want to ever go through anything like this again. But I don't want to wait too long because I have a very hard time getting pregnant. I was only ovulating every 2-3 months before. I am not even sure that I ovulated that much. Maybe being pregnant has changed my body or at least I am hoping.

I need to hear some good stories if any of you ladies have them. I just need to know that I can go on and have a happy ending someday.
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  #14  
April 22nd, 2007, 05:25 PM
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1 week is really hard. I still have a hard time Sundays, especially watching desperate housewives, since that is when I began having contractions

As far as trying again, my dr said there was no reason to wait, if my body isnt ready, it wont happen.

:dothugs:
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  #15  
April 22nd, 2007, 05:55 PM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
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I'm so sorry I haven't posted sooner. My laptop died and I have to steal time from DH for his computer.


Just to give you a little information about me: I lost my Cora almost a year ago at 38w1d. It's a shock, it really is, and I can TOTALLY identify with the feelings that you failed her in the biggest way possible. I would say that everything you're feeling is normal, but if the feeling of wanting to hurt yourself persists, then talk to your Dr. But in your later posts you seem to be doing slightly better...

I am currently 31 weeks pregnant. It's been a TERRIFYING road. My Dr. told me to wait at least 3 months. We waited four to TTC and were pregnant on our second cycle, so my pregnancies are 5 months apart. Honestly, yes, the prospect of having another baby in May (if we had been successful our first cycle trying), was scary, but the prospect of another pregnancy and another loss was scarier. Really, in the end, I don't know if WHEN the baby is due would make it any more/less scary to be pregnant again. Especially since you already had 3 miscarriages behind you.


Take your time. Yes, you desperately want to be pregnant again, but sometimes you need to sit down and think if it's really for the best. Your body has been through a lot.


Has your milk gone away? I hated that part of post-partum recovery. The biggest betrayal your body could ever give you.

Oh, and by the way, I love your baby's name. Renee is my middle name. Did you realize that Abigail Renee means "A father's joy reborn"?


again.
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  #16  
April 23rd, 2007, 11:17 AM
mrobinson
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Rhonda, hon.. what to say, I have no idea. I watched your video and read your words.. I wish there was a magic formula to help you through this. I hope the other's ladies and their stories have helped in some way. Your words and video are a beautiful tribute and please know I wish you everything in the world to help you cope. I wish there something more I could say or do. I just want you to know my heart breaks for you and you're in my thoughts and prayers.

Lots of love, Michelle.
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  #17  
April 23rd, 2007, 12:04 PM
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Brittanie,

Thank you for all your kind words. I can only imagine what you have gone through with this pregnancy. I am glad to see that life can go on. Sometimes I feel like I just can't move on. Milk is finally starting to slow down and at least it is quite as painful now. Just a constant reminder. I am hoping that I won't have to wear these pads in my bra much longer.

My middle name is Renee as well. We didn't realize that is what it stood for, that is nice to know. We had her name picked out very early on in the pregnancy. In fact we couldn't even come up with a boy's name, but her name just came out and it stayed. Her name was just fitting and when we found out we were having a girl we were so relieved that we had her name picked out. We felt a little guilty about not having a boy name picked out, but I guess things work out that way for a reason.

I see my Ob tomorrow and will ask her how long we should wait. I hopefully will get some answers too.

I am probably going to wait at least 3 months just because I think emotionally I need the time to heal. I just don't want to wait too long and go through so much more waiting. Seems like we are always waiting for something. The 2ww, or in my case sometimes it was months of waiting to ovulate, then waiting to test, and now waiting to even try. Any suggestions on birth control?? I dont' want to screw my body up too much with my past problems.
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  #18  
April 23rd, 2007, 05:16 PM
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That was an amazing video you put together. I was in tears almost immediately.

Have you tried to research Type 1 diabetes and pregnancy? Maybe there is some help in something like that for you. Also, your Dr. will tell you when you can try again based on your circumstances. He will help you w/birth control too. My dr. was trying so hard to get me to take the pill but I just reassured him I wouldn't do anything crazy. I was told to wait 3 normal cycles and we were pg on the 3rd cycle.

I'm glad your milk seems to be drying up for you. At least it is some physical relief. You sound like you are doing very well emotionally too. Good for you. You are a very strong woman. That is a great thing.
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  #19  
April 23rd, 2007, 05:38 PM
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Owensmommy,

I don't feel as strong as people tell me I am, but they say that these kind of things just make us stronger. The only thing I think right now is that it has brought dh and I even closer and I have realized who my true friends and family are.

I have done almost too much research on pregnancy and diabetes. I have read that other diabetic moms have had worse bloodsugars than me and still had perfectly "normal" babies and pregnancies. My sister is also type 1 and had a healthy little boy 8 years ago. And now from reading here on JM it seems as though it happens many times to people who are perfectly healthy. I don't know if that is much relief for me, but it is a little more comforting to know that I really did do the best that I could do. I also know that I will be much more careful in the future and make sure my sugars are under the best control possible if there is any chance of me getting pregnant. I also know now that when in doubt, I will make the dr.'s do something to give me peace of mind. I will not walk out of the dr.'s office without an ultrasound if I feel there is something wrong.
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  #20  
April 24th, 2007, 11:45 AM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
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Quote:
I also know now that when in doubt, I will make the dr.'s do something to give me peace of mind. I will not walk out of the dr.'s office without an ultrasound if I feel there is something wrong.[/b]
It'd be good to find a really good Dr. who will be willing to do that without much prompting too. There are 3 Drs at my clinic I go to. I was at this clinic when I lost Cora, so they all sort of went through it with me. One of the three of them has had one of his own stillborn as well. They've all be really wonderful. Anytime I've needed that extra assurance, they've been more than willing to give me whatever I need.

You shouldn't have to fight for something simple to help take away stress, I guess is what I'm saying.

Good luck honey! It's a long hard road.

Quote:
I don't feel as strong as people tell me I am[/b]
I'm the same way. I think that's because you don't show your worst moments in public. People don't see/hear you screaming in the shower and crying yourself to sleep at night. But I also think that there is a lot of strength getting up every day, and taking another step forward, because you have to.
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