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Am I over reacting?


Forum: Stillbirth

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  #1  
April 30th, 2007, 09:54 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 2,632
Ok so please help me to decide if I am just hormonal/depressed or what I am. We are still recieving some sympathy cards and today my dh got an envelope from (was his best man at our wedding), but hasn't really been a good friend for several years to dh. Anyways we just thought maybe it was a sympathy card, and we opened it up and do you know what was inside of it? It was a picture of their two little girls. The girls are about 4 and 2 and we have never gotten any picture of them not even when they were born. No hard feelings towards their little girls, but I thought it was the most insensitive thing anyone has done so far. I couldn't even look at the picture. I threw it at dh and told him I thought this was the stupidest thing they have ever done...and they have done a lot. Just last week this same guy asked my dh "how'd it go"? He was referring to the death of my little Abigail. Dh was p***** off by the way he asked that and so he said he went on to describe to him that we found out our little girl was dead when we went for an ultrasound and then our nightmare weekend began. We sat in the hospital and waited to deliver our dead baby. Sorry I am being so graphic, this is how dh explained it to his so-called best friend. The guy says, that sucks! WTH? He doesn't even have a clue how bad it "sucked". And then this week they give us a picture of their little girls? How can someone be so inconsiderate of what we recently went through? Our baby died just over 2 weeks ago and you think those memories aren't still fresh in our minds?

I think it would be different if they gave us pics of the girls every year, but they never have given us pics...never. We rarely talk to them because they are notorious for doing stupid things like this. When we were ttc for 5 years they rubbed it in our face that they fell pregnant right away, and not once but twice.

Do I have a right to be upset about this or am I just over reacting? Would anyone feel the way I do? Please tell me I have every right to feel like I do. I told dh that I would love to tear up the pic and mail it back to them, but I don't have any ill will to those innocent little girls. I am in tears about this. I can't believe that anyone would do this at least not this soon.
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  #2  
April 30th, 2007, 09:57 PM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
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Location: Littleton, CO
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I can't believe they would do that either. I mean, what the crap were they thinking??


No, you're not over reacting. I'd be really upset too. I mean, obviously he knows you just lost your baby! Holy cow, I'm angry over this FOR you!


I'm sorry honey.
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  #3  
April 30th, 2007, 10:29 PM
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Location: Bakersfield, CA
Posts: 364
I don't think you're over reacting at all. I can undstand him saying that sucks, as insensitive as it was, because I have come to find out that alot of people just don't know what to say to us, and it was a man. Sending the picture though, while maybe for some off the wall reason they thought it was a nice jesture, is completly wrong in my mind.

We have had to deal with alot of ignorant people as well. Even DH's own mom has said some horribly rude and hurtfulr things. I have been married since 2004 and have never ever once seen my DH cry until Keelie's memorial. While he was crying his mom walked up to him and said "I hope this got your attention, God took her from you to open your eyes". While everyone is entitled to her own opinion things like that, to me anyways, don't need to be said especially in a time like that.

To top things off someone wrote a nasty letter with no return address and no signature to my pastor about how the graveside was done. This upset me so badly because everything he did was asked directly of him by us. So to me it was a direct attack to DH and myself. Whats even worse about it is where is was stamped that it came from. The only people that had come from that town (2 hours from where she is burried) are people from his family.
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  #4  
May 1st, 2007, 12:31 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 2,632
Thank you ladies for helping me. I still can't go to sleep. It just has me so upset. I keep thinking that it would be different if it was my sister sending me a pic of my nephew, because she has always done that. My nephew is my boy, but never once before now did they give us pics of the girls. We have only seen the youngest one once in her lifetime. We just aren't close to them at all. Maybe we stopped being friends with them because of ttc was so hard for us, doesn't matter why now though.

I am so upset right now. I keep thinking I will never have any cute pics of my Abby to send to family and friends. I will never get to do all of the things that they get to do with their little girls. This guy, called my dh once and was complaining that he don't have time to study the bible since his wife was pregnant again. Here dh and I were trying for years, and this guy is complaining about having another baby. Then keep your zipper up. I wish I didn't have time for myself. I wish I couldn't sleep because the baby is crying or hungry or needs her diaper changed. I wish for so many things just to have her in my arms right now.

How can people be so insensitive? I know that a lot of people don't know what to say to us right now, but then don't say anything at all?? Honestly I keep doubting myself anymore. I think maybe I am taking it too personal, or then maybe I need some meds to help me be rational, and then maybe this is all normal grief-even the anger part? You girls have helped me to see that I am "normal" to feel this way.

Now what do I do about it? Do I let Dh say something to him at work or just leave it alone and try not to speak to them for a while at least?


Kimmie,

I am so sorry you have had to deal with the ignorance of people too. Why don't people just understand or think before they speak or act? Doesn't this world have any common sense? It is so hard to deal with when it is family members. My own mother made a comment about how a lady didn't want her baby, only a week after I lost my little girl. She stopped talking about it real quick, once she realized what she was saying and she felt bad about it instantly though.

I honestly don't know what I would do without this group of women here to help me through it.
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  #5  
May 1st, 2007, 11:13 AM
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I think that if you want him talked to let your DH handle it. Maybe not at work though. Maybe they can sit down for lunch or coffee or something where they aren't actually working. I definately think they should be told though that you guys are upset and don't feel right about some of the things that they have said/done. Let them know that you can't handle them right now and that you need some space (or whatever it is you want) and that when you are ready to talk or be friends again you'll let them know.
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  #6  
May 1st, 2007, 03:24 PM
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I totally don't get it. This person doesn't sound like a friend at all. I would stay away from him completely. So weird and strange to send a photo and for comfort to say "that sucks..."

Whatever. Maybe someday something horrible will happen to this guy and you can show him how a real friend treats someone. With love and compassion and sympathy.
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  #7  
May 2nd, 2007, 07:07 AM
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Ugh, that makes me so mad. It's like they are rubbing it in your faces again, just when you were ttc for so many years and they rubbed it in your face when they did conceive twice. I agree with everyone, they do not sound like friends. Either they are very cold-hearted and rude, or they are just plain ignorant. Either way, what they did was wrong, there is no doubt about that.I'm sorry you are having to deal with these kind of people. I would say, yes, if you want to just let it pass, let it pass. If you want something to be said to him though, have DH tell him. Ugh, "that sucks"! What a jerk!!!!!!!
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  #8  
May 3rd, 2007, 06:36 AM
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Posts: 653
People will never understand that they don't have to say anything. I don't understand when they do why its the worst thing they could think of that they say. Sorry would have worked just fine.

I would be very upset. I met up with an old friend at a memorial the hospital has to recognize lost babies.
Where we lost our in 2005 and went on to have another in 2006, my friend just lost theirs the same month my was born. I did not bring it up at all. I didn't bring it up and I didn't have to think about it either. I didn't have to bite my tongue I just knew it was in apropriate. Why it is so hard for others.

I personally wouldn't want to be friends, I would end the friendship, it sounds as though they are people who are self absorbed. A true friend would said, I am sorry I am here if you need me. And they would let you come to them.

I know I had my fair share of people's critisizims, and being made to feel like it was my fault. I put a huge space between those people and myself so I could heal properly. Even if you choose to have a talk with them, you need that space. Its going to be hrad enough without them screwing up again.
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  #9  
May 3rd, 2007, 10:22 AM
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Join Date: Oct 2006
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Thank you all for your help. I just have so many emotions and sometimes feel like I take things overboard. I have noticed that I must be in the angry phase of grief because I get so mad when people do or say something. I am just mad, mad at the world, mad that my baby isn't here, mad that I couldn't keep her safe inside of me...just MAD.

Dh didn't say anything to this guy. He said when he showed up at work and saw the guy he felt sorry for him. I asked him why and he said "because he is soooo stupid". And he is right, so he just ignored him all day. Dh told me that if this jerk says anything to him then he is going to let him have it (not a fist or anything, just words). For me I really wanted to write them a letter, and I did put didn't give it to them. I started to think, we rarely talk to them as it is and no matter how I explain it to them they just will never "get it". If they didn't think it was wrong to send pics of their girls, then why would they get anything.

So here I am yelling and screaming at you girl to get it off my chest since I have to bite my tongue as far as they are concerned. Sorry. And Thanks for listening.

It is so hard to feel "normal" anymore and it helps to know that you all agree with me and would feel the same way.

I just hope I don't always feel like this, when other friends give us their kids pics. I don't want to be like that forever, but I know a part of my heart will ache every time I see a pic of a little girl and I will be wondering what my little girl would look like now. I just don't want to stay angry. It can't be healthy.
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