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Almost two years ago we found out the baby we were carrying wouldn't survive much past birth, if at all. Two years ago at the end of this month. May was difficult for me last year as the one year anniversary of that and it's difficult this year too. I had some things I wanted embroidered as gifts for my parents who celebrate an anniversary this month so I decided to also bring in the quilt we had made for my daughter so I could finally have her name and birthdate put on it. Well, it was SUPER hard for me to do this! It was SUPER hard for me to go downstairs into her memory bin and pull the blanket out. I still have to go downstairs and put her bin away, and I'm avoiding the basement because it's still hard for me to look at her things.
I hate the out of nowhere sadness that envelops me sometimes. Whenever people ask me about Gracie and how I'm doing (which isn't too often, but it does happen once in awhile) I don't know what to say because the grief is still there but I'm so distracted by other things that it only comes in small moments. I still hate looking at baby girl clothing in stores. I'm so afraid of getting pregnant again because I want a girl soooooooo badly. It was so perfect that Nathaniel is a boy, but I REALLY REALLY want a girl next time and I'm afraid I'll be devastated if it's not. And that's no way to be about a baby's gender! I know I should be grateful for ANY baby, it took us so long to conceive. *sigh* Sorry, I'm just having a weird day I guess.
I know how you feel. I lost my baby boy Jason, just 2 weeks ago to Triploidy. I was going to be a single mother and it frustrates me that I cant ttc again. I feel as though I want a boy so bad now. Its weird because I always thought that I wanted a girl. I hate the pain that we had to go through. I hope that you do get pregnant again, and even if its not a girl, I'm sure you will be a little disappointed at first but then you will probably not have it any other way, I wish you all the best
I know that the gender thing has crossed my mind a lot lately. I keep thinking how will I feel if I get pregnant again and find out about either sex. I want another little girl because I have so many girl things and I had so many little hopes and dreams of having a daughter to put dresses on, put her hair in pig tails, and all of the little tea parties, like my mom used to do with me. I also was so happy we were having a girl, because my mom has a grandson and wanted a grand daughter. My mil and fil tried for a girl and ended up with 3 boys, she was so excited that she went out and bought little purses and girl things. Now I worry that having another girl, people would think that I am replacing my Abby, although I know it would only be her sister, not her replacement. I also worry that I would be almost upset if we find out we are having a boy. Feeling this way makes me feel so bad about myself because in reality I know that dh and I only want a HEALTHY baby, more than a girl or boy, just healthy!!!
I am sorry I don't know what to say to make you feel better, but I know it helps me to know that I am not alone in thinking this way.
Thank you Mistyx5 for my siggy.
Now I worry that having another girl, people would think that I am replacing my Abby, although I know it would only be her sister, not her replacement. I also worry that I would be almost upset if we find out we are having a boy.[/b]
This is exactly how I felt when we were TTC again. I didn't know what to think. I wanted to use all those baby girls things SO bad, but I didn't want to be devastated about having a boy. Through a lot of prayer I came to accept that I had no control and the Lord would give me what He would.
In a way, finding out I'm having another girl was almost as hard as I think having a boy would be. I went through everything I had for Cora and I still had mourn that I wouldn't be dressing Cora in them. I didn't have to box them up, but it still hurt. But it'll always hurt, I think. No matter how long it's been or how many children we've had since.
Lizzy: I call those "griefbursts." They come out of nowhere sometimes and you just have to feel your way through it. I'm not sure they'll ever go away.
It hard to feel like you would be replacing the baby. I was afraid of two things, 1) I wouldn't love my child as much because of not having the baby. 2) i was worried I would forget about the baby, I didn't have anything specifically for the baby I was going to wait until I found out the sex. I know when I got pregnant again the first thing I did was buy some things for the baby. I hated not having anything the was well I call the baby A.J.
Well I guess to my point before I get too far off track. I think your next child makes the lost one that more real no matter what the sex is. If its the same thenyou can be proud of sharing their things. If its not maybe you will have the chance someday... If you end up with all boys maybe your sons will have daughters.
Back to the out of nowhere grief, its strange but when it comes around, I embrace it. I love known that I still love that baby just as much as the first day I found out I was pregnant.