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Dtd for the first time after s/b


Forum: Stillbirth

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  #1  
May 10th, 2007, 09:54 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Oct 2006
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I am really upset tonight. I wanted that close intimacy that comes with the act and instead all I got was the act of dtd. I am not sure why dh is having such a problem now but he couldn't cum. I feel so unloved, unwanted, and unattractive. He did everything right and I enjoyed every minute of it right up to the point that we stopped and he hadn't actually finished. He only said that his back was hurting him. I don't think it is his back. I think he is afraid of us getting pregnant again and it just hurts me so bad right now because I feel like we will never get pregnant again if this keeps up. All he has to do is one little thing. Sorry for my rant. I just feel so hurt. I just don't understand, because he said he didn't wan to use protection because he wants for us to try again. The only reason for us to be careful right now is because the tests haven't all come back yet.

Did any of you have any problems with your men? Is he not telling me how he really feels? Is he only telling me what he thinks I want to hear? I just want things to be "normal" again. I am not worried about ttc again just yet. I just want to feel close to him and I will do whatever it takes. I will even consider going on the bcp for a while if that will help us. Any suggestions are welcome here.
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  #2  
May 11th, 2007, 11:04 AM
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I'm sorry, I know how you feel. I have had the same problems with my SO lately. WHen we were in the hospital he said he wanted to ttc asap. Then when we got home he acted different, and reluctant to ttc. He eventually expressed to me that he was scared b/c he didn't want it to happen again. I think it's normal. I would DEFINATELY suggest going on some sort of contaception until you get the results back. I say this because It took about 7 weeks sinc Emilee's death for us to get blood work back, and until then we were ttc. I am glad we didnt get pregnant though, because I found out I had many things hhat could have caused Emilees death, such as a hypothyroid, severe anemia, and antiphospholipid syndrome. I had no clue about these things before last week (well, except the anemia). I have to get these things well under control (with meds) before I even TTC again. So, please, use protection until you get your results back. It could save your next babie's life.
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  #3  
May 11th, 2007, 12:13 PM
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Join Date: Oct 2006
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Thanks, and I am glad that I am no alone in this department either. I can't go on bcp's because it messes with my cycles and my bloodsugars too much. So we will have to use something else, or we were just going to use the pull out method, although we know that isn't fool proof. After 5 years of trying and not getting pregnant we just don't think we are as fertile as we would like to be.

They tested me in the hospital and at my other dr. appointment for thyroid and everything came back fine so far. The only tests we are waiting for now is some b/w for blood clotting disorders, but I can't even have that drawn for another 1-2 weeks, when the hcg is out of my body. I don't even think that I will ovulate anytime soon, but stranger things have happened I guess.

So maybe I should let dh decide what kind of method we should use for this month at least. If I have to go on the pill for a month, then so be it, whatever it takes to get us back to normal. I need that kind of intimacy. We are much closer than we have ever been after Abby's death, but I don't want us to become distant again.

Why can't men just open up and talk about their feelings?
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  #4  
May 14th, 2007, 05:41 AM
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You and your DH might want to look into NFP. When used properly NFP is just as effective at avoiding pregnancy as the BCP (proven by independent studies all over the world). There is an NFP/FAM board here at JM. You might also look at www.ccli.org or Google for more information. Also, there is a book "Taking Control of Your Fertility". You can learn the method yourself, but it is less confusing if you get in touch with an actual instructor that offers classes.

Allowing your feelings to be hurt by this will probably only put more pressure on your DH. You know he doesn't mean to hurt you, right? You just can't expect a man to communicate like a woman, and the fact that he is willling to attempt intimacy even if he is having problems is his way of TRYING to connect with you in the way you want. It is still intimate and making love even if he doesn't "finish", ya know. It has only been a month now, right? Hon, both of you probably simply need more time. He is going through this with you, but his loss is different from yours, and his experience of it will be different. I know you are still hurting, and looking for what will help you with your pain. But for your DH's sake, maybe you need to ask yourself what he needs. What will help him? If it is waiting a bit longer, then the wait will be worth it.
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  #5  
May 14th, 2007, 10:54 AM
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I have actually tried the NFP, when we were ttc before. The problem with that is I have very irregular cycles. Before this I had cycles that were 32days, and then I had some that were in the 90 days. My cycles were never the same from month to month, so it makes it really difficult. I have also had annovulatory cycles as well, several of them in fact. I am diabetic too and so it effects my cm too, sorry tmi. Anyways I get what I am saying is although it makes perfect sense why that would work best, with me it has a lot of flaws in that system, so it is always a possibility with me. Although I was not the most fertile person before, so I don't really think it will be much different now. Thats why a part of me wants to give it a go asap.

You made me feel better about dh though. I know we are from venus and mars, but it would be so nice if they could communicate like we can. Ok so this has happened three nights in a row now (fortunately my sex drive hasn't disappeared) and so I asked him if he was just afraid of getting me pregnant. He said a little, but he doesn't think that is why. We also had this problem in the first two years of our marriage, so I know that eventually he will get back to "normal", but I am just afraid that it will take another 5 years for us to get pregnant. I see you have many children, so fertility must not be as big of an issue with you but it is the second biggest fear for me right now. The first one being that we will go through this again if I get pregnant again, but it is really scary to think that it will take another 5 years to even get pregnant. KWIM?

I can wait for him to be ready. I mean I might not even have af anytime soon anyways. I know I still probably need some time to heal too, but this desire to have a living baby is so strong. I will wait for him to be ready though, but he just has to tell me so that I know why. I am trying to think of it through his eyes, but I feel so unattractive and unwanted. I know I am heavier and my body looks different now and it is hard for me to feel "sexy" now.

Sorry for rambling.
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  #6  
May 14th, 2007, 07:53 PM
Prudence's Avatar Super Mommy
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I am sorry
I think you should tell him how you feel. I think he needs to know that you want to know how he feels.
I think waiting for results is best.
Good luck communicate and comfort!!
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  #7  
May 21st, 2007, 10:13 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Arizona
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Sorry you are having trouble. I agree though that men have a really hard time figuring out what is wrong with them. Maybe you can try getting him in a nice mellow mood, then trying as hard as you can to stay non emotional when you bring up what is wrong and see if you can get him to open up. Sometimes I have to keep giving DH examples of what I think it might be so it gets him to at least say yes or no. I think sometimes they don't even know what is wrong with them and they of course won't ask for help or talk about things.
I hope things get better for you.
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  #8  
June 18th, 2007, 03:14 PM
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sweety. i am so sorry for ur loss. it must be soo hard. ive never been through it but my best friend and her bf have and i see them suffering and i suffer right along with them.

its a lil confusing that he doesnt wanna use protection cause he WANTS to have another baby, but then he says he CANT finish. maybe inside he wants another baby but deeeeep inside hes really scared about going through it again. pyshcologically [sp?] he probably cant finish cause its in the back of his mind.

i really think u should sit down with him and have a long long talk about it. losing a child is really tough and i cant even imagine going through that. ive had 2 miscarriages and that still kills me to this day...but stillborn...it hurts a lot more.

but believe me...u guys are gonna get through this. u WILL move on from this...not in a way that ull forget it happened cause lord knows thatll never happen and not in a way that u can have another child and he/she will replace ur other baby cause thatll definitly not happen...but u guys will move on in a way that u can have another child, be happy and not worry.

listen i believe theres a reason for everything that happens. i dont like everything happens in this world and i know everyone else would agree with me but were not the judges of that. god is. he has his reasons. just trust in him and please have a talk with your husband. i have a strong feeling hes just really hurting inside.


take care sweety and again i am so sorry for ur loss. hes in peace.
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