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Really hard day today


Forum: Stillbirth

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  #1  
May 11th, 2007, 03:33 PM
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Join Date: Oct 2006
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I am having a really hard time today. For the past week things have been "okay". I wasn't crying all of the time and then all of a sudden today it hit me. I don't know who I am anymore. I am not the person I was before I had Abby. I will never be that person again. I will try to get pregnant again, but I will never stop worrying right up until I deliver a healthy baby, and then it will be a new set of fears. I am a mommy, but I don't have a baby to hold or to feed. I only have a few stretch marks to show for it. I am not the mommy that I longed to be. I am a mommy, but childless. How can this be? So who am I really? I put on a smile for others so that they won't worry about me. I have even laughed a couple times when I found something funny, and then I felt guilty for having a decent time when I "should" not be happy at all without my little princess here with me. I cry myself to sleep at night sometimes. I look at her pictures and I touch them as if she is right here and then I cry because I can't feel her skin, or smell her smell. I take out her little dress that she wore and I hug that and smell it because I don't want to forget. Nobody see's me when I am at home all alone, nobody sees the pain that I am in. I try to be the person I was before, but I don't even know who she was.

I can't seem to find "normal". I have been told that "normal" is only a setting on a washing machine. Who really knows what "normal" is?

My friends have seemed to forgotten about me. Nobody calls or writes anymore. I am sure some of them are afraid that they will say something that will make me cry, but I need them more than ever now. I need to know that they care. I need to know that they remember my little girl. I feel like they are avoiding me like the plague. It hurts but now I know who my true friends are.

Sorry this is so long. I just don't know how to get through all of this when I don't even know who I am anymore. I am just a sad, lonely, mom and most people won't even send me a mothers day card.

It was one month ago today that I was told those horrible words, "your baby has died". So this might be where it is all coming from. Thanks for listening I just had to get it off my chest.
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  #2  
May 11th, 2007, 04:34 PM
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Join Date: Jul 2006
Posts: 18,997
Rhonda I am so sorry about your little Abby
I have never had to deal with what you ladies are going through
( I had 3 m/c 2005 and even tho I do have my baby girl I still think about them all the time ) and NOBODY understand why I still care. and that does not even come close to your lose and pain ((HUGS))

Sounds like you are doing a great job talking 1 day at a time, and I heard that the pain will never go away but it will start to get better.

I am sorry to hear about your friends "so-called" hopefully the ladies at JM will give you some faith that you are and will always be a wonderful mother to Abby and to the other babie(s) that you will have further down the road.

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  #3  
May 11th, 2007, 04:51 PM
Mom 2 Avery's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Wow! That month went quickly, huh!
You mentioned being a mom but childless. Have you read any books on life after loss?
There are a couple of them out there that are amazing...they will walk you thru the changes that you face.

You have hit the nail on the head tho...you will NEVER be the same. Even when others "think" you should be!
If they only knew what walking in our shoes meant!

(Of course, this being Mother's Day Weekend doesn't help!)

I'm really, really sorry Abby left so soon. I know how much your heart hurts!
But, a year and a half into my grief, I can promise that it doesn't hurt this bad forever.
And before you know it you'll start adjusting to the new you...but it takes a while.

I'm here if you ever need to talk.
Keep your chin up....you can do this!!!

Hugs from Houston!
Dawna
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  #4  
May 11th, 2007, 11:17 PM
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No, no books yet. Any one in particular that you recommend? I definitely need something.

Maybe the way I said that came out wrong. I know I am not childless, I have a little girl, but I only have pictures of her after she died, no cute little pictures of her living to share with friends, family members, and strangers, or to put in my siggie on here. And looking around at all of the forums...where do I fit really? I mean I belong here, but I want to start ttc again in the near future but I can't go to ttc your first because I have my first baby, but she isn't living so it isn't exactly ttc a second, ttc after a loss--yes but it is often hard to be with women that only know about mc's. I hope that isn't taken wrong by anyone, because I also unfortunately know the pain of a mc as well, but it is different. I just feel like I don't belong anywhere. Then there is the wttc, and it is really hard to be there with so many young girls that are waiting until after their weddings or until they are done with school and so on. I am 28, diabetic, and time is not on my side. So anyways I just meant that I don't know where I belong, or who I am, or what I will be years down the road.

How do you answer the question, do you have any children?? This is the hardest question I have heard so far. How does someone answer that when you are me? "Yes, I have a little girl but she was stillborn", then they don't want to go on to talk about theirs and even worse is if they do go to tell me about their kids (at least right now, I am hoping I won't always feel like that). I sometimes think I will just want to say no, just to avoid all of the confusion and it puts others in a very strange situation as well.
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  #5  
May 12th, 2007, 03:17 PM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
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Oh, how well I remember being exactly where you are. It's particularly vivid right now, because I'm finally getting around to putting Cora's scrapbook together. Writing down everything that happened and how it felt...how can you describe it?

Quote:
I am not the mommy that I longed to be. I am a mommy, but childless. How can this be? So who am I really?[/b]
I still wonder that sometimes. Especially since tomorrow is Mother's Day. My due date with Cora fell on Mother's Day last year. How can you describe to someone who hasn't felt it, what it's like to long for that baby that you only got to hold for a moment. Who never looked up at you?

Quote:
How do you answer the question, do you have any children?? This is the hardest question I have heard so far.[/b]
Ugh, I totally agree. I get "is this your first?" What's my answer? "My first was stillborn, so this is my second." It's easiest for me to be honest. I CAN'T say it's my first pregnancy because first pregnancies are so different. I have now "been there, done that" as far as pregnancy is concerned. So I can't say it is. I plan to always tell people about my Cora. But I agree, people get so strange after you tell them. For a while I would bring it up to make people go away. (usually the ones with little babies that I couldn't handle being around anymore.)

Anyway, I hope you eventually "find yourself." I'm still figuring out what life after a loss really is. I think each day is a new discovery.

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  #6  
May 12th, 2007, 05:45 PM
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Location: Sunnydale
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I just want to give you a big hug. I know how you feel about the feeling of "normal". Life will never be the same. It has changed. The air smells differently to me now and even the sound of the birds in the morning. I used to love waking up to them but now I am just indifferent. It feels like I am just going through the motions of life and not really in it. Like I am looking at my life from outside a window. One thing that seems to be helping me cope is writing all of my feelings down, kinda like a journal. If you ever need anyone to talk to that knows exactly what you are going through, please PM me.
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  #7  
May 12th, 2007, 05:47 PM
Mom 2 Avery's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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No, no books yet. Any one in particular that you recommend? I definitely need something.
I have mine packed away but will dig them out this evening.

Maybe the way I said that came out wrong. I know I am not childless, I have a little girl, but I only have pictures of her after she died, no cute little pictures of her living to share with friends, family members, and strangers, or to put in my siggie on here.
Mine was made by one of the ladies here using pictures of Avery taken after she passed.

And looking around at all of the forums...where do I fit really? I mean I belong here, but I want to start ttc again in the near future but I can't go to ttc your first because I have my first baby, but she isn't living so it isn't exactly ttc a second, ttc after a loss--yes but it is often hard to be with women that only know about mc's. I hope that isn't taken wrong by anyone, because I also unfortunately know the pain of a mc as well, but it is different. I just feel like I don't belong anywhere.
I feel the exact same way!!!

Then there is the wttc, and it is really hard to be there with so many young girls that are waiting until after their weddings or until they are done with school and so on. I am 28, diabetic, and time is not on my side.
I’m 45…so still keep your chin up! You never know what you can do until you HAVE to!!!

So anyways I just meant that I don't know where I belong, or who I am, or what I will be years down the road.
But you’re smart enough to know that!


How do you answer the question, do you have any children?? This is the hardest question I have heard so far. How does someone answer that when you are me? "Yes, I have a little girl but she was stillborn", then they don't want to go on to talk about theirs and even worse is if they do go to tell me about their kids (at least right now, I am hoping I won't always feel like that).
I say I have one child that died and am trying for another. People are usually shocked I’m trying at 45 when I should be enjoying my grandchildren, but ….my cards weren’t dealt that way.

I sometimes think I will just want to say no, just to avoid all of the confusion and it puts others in a very strange situation as well.
I still carry pictures of Avery in my purse. But I avoid babies and pregnant women at almost all costs. SoI guess I still have lots of work to do!!

I think you’re doing a great job!
Hugs!
Dawna
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  #8  
May 12th, 2007, 10:07 PM
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Location: Bakersfield, CA
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I really wish I had some advice for you, but I don't because I am struggling with the same/similar things. Please know though that I think about and pray for you daily.
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  #9  
May 13th, 2007, 08:07 AM
Mom 2 Avery's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I've misplaced many of my books but I found a really good one!
It's called Empty Cradle, Broken Heart (Surviving the Death of Your Baby).
I remember it being an amazing help when I needed it most!

I also know of a support group. It's Houston Chapter is H.A.N.D. They have a Yahoo bulletin
board. There's a really good information packet on their homepage too!
They can be found at: www.hand.net .

Good luck sweetie and know my prayers are with you!
Dawna
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  #10  
May 13th, 2007, 11:12 PM
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Thank you all. Sorry my computer was down, finally got it running again, but don't know for how long! I will be sure to check out that book.

I am so glad to finally have this weekend over now. I have officially made it one month now. I can only hope that this month is a little easier. I should have test results back this month and maybe then we can start ttc again next month if everything goes well.

Happy Mothers Day to you all too!
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  #11  
May 14th, 2007, 08:09 PM
Prudence's Avatar Super Mommy
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Posts: 653
Don't rush trying to feel better. Make sure you cry when you want or need to. Be self absorbed, you are nowhere close to need to get over your feelings.
Write your feelings in a journal, it helps me. I always go back and read the things I wrote when I felt them. I still cry but it helps me remember the baby. Helps me feel like the baby exsisted. Now is the time for the memories that down the way may go away.

Cry
Scream
Throw something
Hit something
Be angry
Sad
time will pass don't rush it embrace it...
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