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Blame/guilt eating away


Forum: Stillbirth

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  #1  
May 22nd, 2007, 10:53 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 2,632
I am ashamed of myself and have been far too upset with myself to admit it, but here is the truth. I am a smoker. The day I found out that I was pregnant I cut way back. I was smoking probably 1 1/2 packs a day and the day I found out I probably didn't even smoke 10 cigs. Each day after that I would smoke one less, until I saw the dr. I was actually told that I shouldn't quit cold turkey because it is too much stress on the body and on the baby and causes a higher rate of mc. So anyways I continued smoking, somehow I justified only smoking after a meal, so I was down to 4-6 cigs a day, never any more than that. I knew what I was doing was bad for my baby, but I know so many people that went on smoking just as much and they had perfectly healthy babies so I never actually just quit. I am kicking myself in the @ss over and over. I can't help but to think that I killed my baby. Now after looking up so many things and it telling how smoking can cause stillbirth has me wondering if I am the only one here that is/was a smoker?

I hope you ladies won't think any worse of me. I really wanted to just quit. I made a promise to my Abby that I will quit smoking BEFORE we get pregnant again. I just am trying to find a way to live with myself.

Is there anything any of you ladies did, either in the very beginning or during or anything that makes you wonder? I also wondered about the medicine that they gave me for a yeast infection before I actually got a bfp would have caused this. I just hope that someday they will have more information and can keep this from ever happening to another family again.
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  #2  
May 22nd, 2007, 11:33 AM
Mom 2 Avery's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Location: Houston, TX
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Yeah, I have "blame" issues too.
My dr. put me on major antibiotics when we found out I was pregnant. (I was 9 weeks pregnant)
I had several infections and he wanted to get rid of them quickly.
I read the pharmacy paperwork that said "do not take in first trimester".
I asked the pharmacist about this warning and she said, "Your doctor knows what he's doing."
So I took the medicine. Two prescriptions of it!!!
I have always believed that these antibiotics are what caused my PROM. The doctor just said, "what will be will be."
BTW, I hate that saying!!!


I hope and pray that you find peace in your searches.
It will take time, I know. But I also know you shouldn't blame yourself!
Nobody loves that precious little girl as much as you do!!!

I'm here if you need to talk!
Dawna
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  #3  
May 23rd, 2007, 05:23 AM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
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Location: Littleton, CO
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Oh honey, I know women who had smoked more than you during their entire pregnancies and when on to have healthy babies. We will always find something that we "should have done differently." Guilt is a part of grief, but one that we must get over. You did NOT want your baby to die, and you DID cut back a lot. I'm impressed with you for that.


For me it's a more recent thing. Cora passed because she had the cord wrapped so tightly around her neck that it cut off circulation when she dropped in preparation for birth. I was putting together her scrapbook recently and looked at her 23w ultrasound pictures, and realized she had the cord wrapped around her neck then. Shouldn't we have noticed? Couldn't something have been done??


Ugh, but that line of thinking gets us nowhere. Unfortunately, we can't change what has happened, we can only change what we do in the future.


Hopefully you can come to peace with yourself. And I wish you all the luck possible on the quitting front!! ((I've never smoked, but my brother does and I've watched him try to quit unsuccessfully several times. I've seen how hard it is. So good luck to you!!))
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  #4  
May 23rd, 2007, 12:26 PM
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Location: Arizona
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My mom smoked constantly with all 3 of us kids and we are all fine. She drank too.

Don't beat yourself up. You did the best you could and this could have happened anyway. My mother still smokes to this day and has had a double mastectomy and has major health issues all relating to smoking. I truly hope you find the strength, support and courage to quit.
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  #5  
May 25th, 2007, 07:56 AM
Prudence's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 653
Don't get me wrong I know smoking isn't good for you. BUT don't let all those articles scare you, I read once that they can not link smoking to birth defects or mc, not even low birth weight or prematurity. You know what I always tell myself, I know I didn't take anything harmful when I was pregnant but you constantly go over and over what did I do was it something I ate was it this or that. Woman have crack babies. It may be blunt but smoking is no where near crack.

My grandmother smoked with her 3
My mother smoked with us 5
My aunt smoked with her 3
My Friend she is my mom's age drank through her preganacies, she wasn't an alcoholic but it was ok and never thought of to be bad.
My sister smoked with her 3

I'm sure I can go on. But these 14 pregancies we were all healthy not even any illnesses they say can happen. A++ pregancies. Your 4 cigarettes a day did not harm your baby, don't blame yourself. I know it is very hard not to, but you must remember it was not what you did or didn't do.
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  #6  
May 26th, 2007, 09:35 AM
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Thank you all. You have made me feel much better, yet I still don't have an answer for why and I may never get one. All I know for sure is that I will never smoke again. I started smoking heavily after she was born, so now I am back up to a pack a day. I am quitting with my dh on Monday. I know in my heart that I will never touch another cigarette especially once we start ttc again.
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  #7  
May 26th, 2007, 06:42 PM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
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Good luck honey!!! That's such a great goal!
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  #8  
May 27th, 2007, 10:50 AM
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Join Date: Dec 2006
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Hunny I smoked too when I was pregnant. Although it was a chromosome problem with my baby. I still have guilt. I just couldn't get off them. When my baby started lagging in growth I thought that it was cuz I smoked. The doctor told me that there is no way it would affect a baby like that. I know tons of women who smoked and drank. Think of it back in the old days when people didn't know the heath risks. Women have been having babies for millions of years...Please don't blame yourself for what happened. Its Gods will. I still smoke to, and will quit before I get pregnant again. I'm single right now so I won't be TTC for a while. After everything I went through, I deserve a smoke now if i want one.
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