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<span style="color:#008080">This doesn't need to be responded to, I am just writing out-loud, for myself.
Two years ago today I woke up so excited, this was my second baby and I was going to find out what type of the sweetest gift I was going to get for it. My first baby the sex was a surprise. This one I was going to find out. I was nervous they weren't going to be able to tell. I was savoring this moment to buy the baby its first special thing. Those were the plans, pink or blue, precious or masculan? Who knows, I was so getty. I talked to everyone, today is the day, yippy!
I bit all my finger nails off waiting for this darn appointment. Had to wait until 4pm, blah.
It was doomed from the begining. My fiance was late getting home from work so that was making us late getting to the appointment, I was all ready in full bladder agony. Once we arrived and was registered we had to wait, because we were late she took the 4:30 before us. Then finally a half hour later it was our turn.
I apologized a dozen times I hate being late! We went in I layed down she gooped me, then there the baby was on the monitor. I teared joy.
Unfortunately we had to stop so I could empty my very full bladder and proceed. I peed, came back, to full, peed came back still too full, emptied my bladder. Done.
She was starting to do the measuring, I was 22 weeks 5 days. First measure 19 weeks, hmm my baby is small, second measure 19 weeks, oh wow I guess I'm not due Oct.5.05. Third measure was the head, 18 weeks.
By this time I wasn't intested I wanted to see other things. I remember my son's u/s I could see his tongue sucking, and I remembered what the little heart looked like beating. They were so neat to see, wonderous. Well I couldn't see this happening I was confused, thought I was a moron. "Where's the action?"
She said to me you need to see your Dr. your dates a off, and you need to figure this out.
On the way I thought this was lame they wait until next appointment if they are going to change the dates. I thought my Dr is going to think we are lame for coming. We got there they let us in he saw only me first, Son and fiance waited outside. Thats when he told me. He checked for the HB. What next..
(I never cry I am a tuff girl, I had two grandmothers die in the past 2 years and didn't even get a glinsen.)
I balled, I balled my frigin soul out, I never thought I could hurt like I was hurting. I never thought there would be anything in my life that would leave me so vunrable, weak, shocked, torn, bitter, and just feel empty and lost inside. I never thought losing a piece of me would be so hard.
I got home there were a few messages, "Where are you, Whats taking so long, How did it go, Call us"
I called my Mother. I said, "The baby died." she didn't believe me. "Yes Mom, the baby is dead!"
I explained I didn't want to talk to anyone, and sorry but could you please call everyone else to tell them for me. I gave the phone to my fiance and said call eveyone, and I don't want to talk to anybody. My father called I don't even remember if I talked to him.
For 4 days I laid on the couch with the afgan my sister made the baby. Then on the 9th my baby was born. In the must regratful choice I let be made in my life.
<span style="font-family:Century Gothic">Today was the day I had to travel to Boston for prep.
I had to go all the way down there and meet the Dr. Have him give me something that would start the dialation.
I don't even know what I am suppose to call this? Do I call it my baby's birthday I really didn't give birth. God I hate this so much. Why couldn't I have been smart enough to say no. I didn't want to do it this way, it was recommended, even my Mother made it sound like if I went into labor it would be harder on me. I should have just said no. I believe I would have answers to questions that I never got.
Its intesting most people have date of birth/date of death.
Not in Aj's case. 6.6.05 date of death/6.9.05 date of.... whatever I am suppose to call it.
Yeah, Avery didn't get much time, either...
And now I hate summers! (I got my +HPT on Memorial Day and she was born on Labor Day)
We celebrate her Angelversary...it's amazing how wording it differently makes a bit of a difference...
I labored and delivered my little one...all twelve ounces of her.
No matter how your son was delivered, you delivered.
You're a mom.
And don't let any narrow-minded, never-been-there rookie tell you any differently!!!!!
I am so sorry for your loss. I too lost my son in June. His angel day is on June 20th (13 days before his due date). believe me, I too hate summer (thought after the depressing chicago winter is over, I would feel better) but NO, still it is the same and more depressing as I remember all the expectations I had for my son and how badly my DD wanted to become a big sister. I should have been busy planning Siddhu's first birthday, now what do I call that day as, death day, angel day? I feel so sad. Right now I am 29 weeks pregnant and scared to death about this baby. It is so hard for me to get attached to this baby. When I told my DD that it is a baby sister, she said, she wanted her baby brother back! what do I tell her?
I do not know how to console you when I myself am feeling so down. I guess we can never forget what happened! we just need to learn to live with it.
<span style="color:#800080">Well this day was the day I was suppose to have the baby.
We dropped my son off with me fiances parents. At first they were suppose to come but I couldn't have them come it is very hard to explain. They mean well, but I don't like being talked too or touched when I feel lousy and these people are 10x that way. I don't like being touched even when I'm not feeling lousy who I am I kidding.
I don't remember any part of the morning until I got to the hospital. I had to register, thankfully I had this really nice guy. I remeber he asked why I was there. There was this long incredible silence, I wasn't sure what I was suppose to say. He told me not to be scared and just tell him it was ok. So I did. He didn't change how he was talking to me but I still.... I am not sure, I felt safe with him. It was a strange thing hard to explain.
Then we headed into prep stuff. This was really not taking much time at all. I know that I still felt like I was out of my body. After that was said and done I had to wait almost 45 minutes before the "procedure" It was horrible I had to wait by myself, Its set up outside the O.R. they have beds and you can pull curtains so other people weren't allowed in because they might disturb other patients. Luckily I was alone in the wait process.
I had so many people come over and they all asked the same questions. One in which was how far along are you? 23 weeks I must have said it 23 times. (the certificate says 20 weeks, jerks)
Because I was alone I was allowed to have either my Mother or my fiance come sit with me. I didn't make the choice I let them make it for me. They started all the meds to knock me out. I got a shot and the mask. I remember the shot worked instantly then I was wheeled in the room and they put the mask over my face. I do remember not making that part very easy for them.
Next I remember waking up. I am usually the kind of person I don't complain, I try to make things for the other person easier. I'm not a difficult person. So my behavior through this is completely not me, but I was glad to have behaved the way I did. So I woke up in pain threw myself around the bed a bit, the nurse came over and gave me morphine.
I was still awake when the Dr. came to see me, he explained how everything went well blah, blah, blah.
I asked him if he could tell why the baby died he said no, I asked him if he could tell the sex he said no. He kept talking and I closed my eyes and stopped listening.
I asked the nurse if my Mother and fiance could come in, again it was a no because the room had more than one bed. She said I could go as soon as I felt ready. I said I am ready.
So life goes on, my only problem was thats how I treated it, like went on. Then when the babies due date approached I ended up having a nervous break down. I didn't understand how I could care some much about this. I was always able to get up and move on. I didn't realize it wasn't one of those things.
So now the only advice I can to you all is be sure and feel.
Thank you for letting me rant. It feels good to just tell it all over again.</span>