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  #1  
November 13th, 2007, 07:55 PM
SarahBethsMommy's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Nov 2007
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My name is Beth. I'm mommy to my beautiful baby girl who is now 19 months old and to Bryan Luke, born sleeping on August 4th, 2007. This is our story, sorry it is so long.

My husband and I had our daughter, Sarah Beth, at 27 weeks on April 3, 2006. She was born due to severe pre-eclampsia that was such a sudden onset it took us all by suprise. She was in the NICU for 76 days and came home on oxygen. So, because of all that my husband and I did not plan to have more children for a couple of years. We wanted to give Sarah Beth all our attention and allow her time to "catch up" developmentally and physically before we introduced another child to our home. So, we were on birth control. Nonetheless, in January 2007 I found out I was pregnant. After not having a period that month (though I'd been having them the past few months), I took a hpt on a whim and it came back positive. It terrified me. I remember looking at Sarah Beth who was still so little and not growing much at that point and thinking, "How in the world am I going to do this?" And in that same thought I remember thinking, "I'm going to be a mommy again! Sarah Beth is going to be a sister! I have a chance at a NORMAL pregnancy!" I told my husband that night and he said the same things I was thinking. YAY and OH NO all at once. We were scared and worried and in love with our baby already. We lay in bed that night praying for an hour or more that this pregnancy wouldn't end the same way and that we would make it to at least 33 weeks before we had this baby. I don't know really where we got that number except that I figured at that point we'd be so much better off than we were before. So we prayed and we believed and we finished that prayer with the words, "But, whatever You will for us and this baby, please just hold us through it all."

I went to the doctor and he confirmed that I was pregnant. I was put on progesterone but was able to come off that by 12 weeks. At 20 weeks we found out that we having a baby boy. Our elation was off the charts. Our family was going to be so wonderful! A beautiful baby girl and a bouncing baby boy. The dream, right? We already had a name too. It is the name I'd had since I was 6 years old. Named after my brother who had died when I was 6 and my favorite book of the Bible... Bryan Luke. At that point we started praying for him by name. I spent a lot of time with my pastor and we prayed together many times. (I work at the church as the youth minister.) At 27 weeks I was still fine. I had not started swelling or felt bad or even had a headache at all. Everyone around me breathed a sigh of relief. We felt we were there... we'd passed that mark! The people of my church were all overjoyed with me. I was even starting to "look" pregnant... something I never really did with Sarah Beth.

Then on Tuesday, July 31 I went in for a normal visit. I was 32 weeks and 5 days along. My blood pressure was very high and there was a significant amount of protein in my urine in the doctor's office so he sent me straight to the hospital for a non stress test. I felt fine and was completely floored by this. I called my husband and my mother and my best friend and my pastor on the way over to the hospital. I told them all what was happening and to pray but not to come. I said, "If it seems bad or if they want me to stay too long, I'll call you back." So I went in and they hooked me up to the monitors. I listened to Bryan Luke's heartbeat for a few hours while I laid on my left side. I sang to him and talked to him. He moved around a lot and worried the nurses a few times by moving out of range of the monitors. But in the end, my blood pressure had gone down a lot and Bryan Luke was fine. The protein was still there, but my liver functions seemed ok so my doctor gave me a steriod shot and sent me home on bedrest for the next two days and wanted to see me on Thursday. He also gave me a second steriod shot that my mother administered on Wednesday night. So I went home and stayed in bed on my left side even with my 15 month old daughter running around. I remember one night I was laying in bed with her beside me because she wouldn't sleep that night and I was watching her drift off. I started crying and praying. I said a lot but I remember saying, "OK God, if You want me to go through the NICU again, if You want me to have this boy early, I'll take it. I can do it with Your help. But please, please, don't take him away from me. I can do NICU and developmental problems and therapies and everything else, but just don't take him from me."

On Thursday, August 2, I went back to the doctor and my blood pressure was a little high, but not horrible and miraculously the protein was gone. Bryan Luke's heartbeat was strong and loud. So he sent me home and said to come back on Tuesday. He did say to stay on bedrest and to expect to stay there until he was born. So I went home. I was relieved. I expected to be on bedrest for the next few weeks and then to have a healthy full term (or at least almost full term) baby boy.

On Saturday, August 4, I woke up with a horrible headache. It was so bad I could barely breathe. I called my mother and she came over. I thought it was from sleeping with my arm over my head and making myself get a muscle spasm. It felt like that kind of headache. Plus my blood pressure had not really gone up significantly. So mom came over and she and my husband massaged my neck and helped me get into a semi-comfortable position. She took Sarah Beth and went home to let me rest. An hour later my head still wasn't better. I called my doctor who said to go on to the hospital just to be sure. My husband and I went and I threw up a couple of times on the way there. We finally got there and got into a room. In a strange turn of events, the same nurse got me that had me on Tuesday. She got me into the room and hooked me up to the monitor. She tried to hurrily find Bryan Luke's heartbeat while she was getting things together for starting my IV. She couldn't get the heartbeat. I was crying and kept saying, "Come on baby boy, where are you?" She said, "It's ok. I'm trying to do too many things. Let me take care of your IV and then we'll get him. Remember it took us some time to find him on Tuesday." Another nurse came in to try to get him on the monitor then left again. Then the doctor came in with the ultrasound machine. I watched as he scanned me. I saw my son on the screen, but no movement... no heartbeat... just completely still. I said through my tears, "Is he gone?" The doctor shook his head and said very quietly, "Yes." I said, "What do we do now?" He said, "I'll give you a few minutes and then we'll talk about that." So he left. The nurse left. And my husband and I collapsed in a flood of tears. He held me and we cried and cried and yelled at God. When I composed myself a little I called my mother and said, "He's gone." She said, "I'll be there." I called my best friend who called everyone else. My mother was there in just a few minutes and my mother-in-law wasn't far behind. My pastor came in sometime. My father showed up too. My brother and my best friend stayed home and took care of Sarah Beth for me. I only remember flashes of what happened after that. I was still so sick. My head hurt so bad I could not really open my eyes. The doctor came in and said we'd have to do a C-Section to deliver Bryan Luke since I'd had a C-Section with Sarah Beth and he didn't want to risk a VBAC. But he wanted to get me a little better before the surgery. I couldn't think too much. My head hurt just so bad. The crying wasn't helping of course too. I remember my pastor getting there and I grabbed his arm as he hugged me and cried into his arm and asked why over and over. They took me for an emergency Cat Scan at some point too because they thought I might have some sort of anurism. The meds they gave me should have completely knocked me out, but after 3 doses (the maximum anyone can get) I still hurt just as bad. Nothing gave me any relief at all. Finally they decided they couldn't wait anymore and did the C-Section. I don't remember any of it. My husband said that they gave me an epidural, but I fell asleep. He actually said I was snoring.

I woke up in the ICU. They were still very worried about my head. They just didn't know what was wrong and they had given me so much medicine they needed to closely monitor me. But after a few hours I started feeling better. I sent my husband home to sleep (since there is no place to sleep in ICU) and I laid there all night semi-dosing. I kept having horrible dreams. I was searching for Bryan Luke and could hear him crying but couldn't find him. I would wake up sometimes yelling. The nurses would run in but nothing was wrong except the dreams. My mother brought my daughter up the next day. The nurses let her come into the ICU even though children aren't allowed in there. She saw me and smiled really big and came right down to me. She laid down on my shoulder and started petting my arm almost like, "It's ok mommy, I'm here." We stayed just like for about 10 minutes and it was the first moment I thought that I could live through this.

During my ICU stay the nurses brought Bryan Luke to me. They had dressed him and wrapped him in a blanket and I would hold him for hours. My husband held him and our parents did too. I told him that I was so sorry that my body didn't allow him to live. I stared at him trying to memorize every feature. I unwrapped him from the blanket and looked at him, his finger, his toes, everything, just trying to remember because I knew I wouldn't get to hold him again. They brought him to me whenever I asked. Finally I told my husband that I had to stop holding him. I had to say goodbye.

We had a funeral for him on Thursday, August 9 after I was released from the hospital. So many people came I was so suprised. My pastor gave an amazing message and one of my friends sang the song, "I'll Praise You In This Storm." I felt like I was really able to say goodbye to him.

Now, I still cry. I'm still angry sometimes. I trust that God is holding me. I think of how I asked Him in the beginning to make it to 33 weeks and we did that. He was born at 33 weeks and a couple of days. And He held me and still holds me through it all. I now am searching for what He wants me to do with all this. I need an outlet for my grief and I really want to help others who grieve. So I'm searching. In that way, I think I will honor Bryan Luke's memory. His short life will make a difference so many more lives.

So that is our story. We still don't know why he died. We aren't sure if it had anything to do with the preeclampsia. The doctors don't think so because he looked great. The cord and placenta looked great. They have put it down as a cord accident. They just don't have a lot of answers. They've done a lot of blood tests and such, but haven't found anything. So we aren't sure if we'll try for more biological children. We really want more, but aren't sure if it would be fair to the baby. We are leaving it all in God's hands now.
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  #2  
November 13th, 2007, 08:06 PM
BensMom's Avatar Ephesians 4:29
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Location: The Lonestar State
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I lurk here because one of the hosts, e-liz-abeth is a friend of mine. I can't imagine your pain, but if I were there with you, I'd give you a hug right now.
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  #3  
November 14th, 2007, 10:43 AM
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Oh gosh, Beth. I am so, so sorry. Your birth story really hit home for me. I might has well had written it myself. When I was having that last fateful u/s done, I remember saying "is she gone?" not believing what I was saying. I remember shaking and repeating "this isn't happening, this isn't happening." It was like this horror movie, and I was the lead actor.

Anyway, I saw that you posted a comment on my blog. I am so excited to hear that you and I live near each other. For all I know, our babies could be buried in the same cemetery. If you'd like to chat, my email is mbell0817 at yahoo.com. Again, I am really sorry for your loss. I too am a devout Christian (I'm Catholic), and this experience has been a true test of faith. I have never felt so angry and abandoned by God, yet it is only through him that I am able to stay standing.

God Bless you and your family,
Michele

P.S. When is your daughter's birthday? My son is 17 mos old, so they sound like they are really close in age!
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  #4  
November 14th, 2007, 01:56 PM
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Edited to delete duplicate.
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  #5  
November 14th, 2007, 02:02 PM
Fluffy Baby's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I am so sorry you have to be here. It hits home for me also. My OB wouldn't tell me if the baby was gone, he said he wasn't sure and sent me to L&D to make sure. I knew from the looks on everyone's faces. I didn't even have to ask.

Going thru this, I still don't know what to say to other moms who lose their babies. I am sorry just doesn't seem to cut it. I am very spiritual, but I am not a christian. I hope you find peace in your life and know you did everything you could have done to save him. I truely believe everything happens for a reason, but it is so hard to accept at times like this. Our innocent babies were taken to early. But God had his plan and our babies were sent here to give us a gift. We are mothers of angels and we are special. It takes a strong person to go thru what we are and not give up. <3<3

We are here to listen and talk to if you need too!
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  #6  
November 14th, 2007, 02:35 PM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
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Location: Littleton, CO
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I think that confirmation ultrasound has to be one of the most horrible experiences a mother can have. My doctor cried when he told me, and the next day cried when he handed her to me.

I'm truly sorry you have to join our ranks, but you are welcome here. I hope that shared experience can help. Sometimes it helps knowing you can go to a place and say "I miss my baby," without people expecting you to just "get over" it.


I know that God is holding you right now. I truly believe that the prayers of others helps, too. I felt the prayers of my friends and family.

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  #7  
November 15th, 2007, 01:44 AM
claire1979's Avatar mummy to a special angel
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beth im so sorry to have to welcome you to '' our forum '' i hate having to welcome new mummys and daddys as it means that they have lost what is the most precious thing in the world....my heart breaks for you....im sorry for your loss little bryan luke is a beautiful name.....im claire co-host here whenever you feel ready i will offer any support you need....i lost my little girl in june 05 to a cord accident......again im sorry x
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  #8  
November 15th, 2007, 05:22 AM
SarahBethsMommy's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Thank you for the kind words everyone. I sure wish I wasn't here either, but I am glad I have found a place where I can talk about him without having people give me that look of "Please stop making us hear about him."

And, Michelle, my daughter is 19 months old. She was born on April 3, 2006. She was, however, born 3 months early, so she is what we call 16-17 months developmentally. So your son and her are probably closer in age than a baby who was born in April. Her due date was the end of June.
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  #9  
November 15th, 2007, 12:31 PM
LRAINYB's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Beth, I am so sorry to hear about your son. My name is Lorraine and I lost my daughter Alexis Taylor 9 years ago. I found out she was gone through ultrasound also. I didn't feel movement that morning so I called the hospital and doctor. After the loss I found out that I have a blood clotting disorder called antiphospholipid syndrome. I had to be a Fragmin shots (low molecular heprin) and baby aspirin everyday, blood tests every 10-14 days, sonogram every month. We thought it was a cord accident but after a simple blood test on me we made a diagnoses. After the loss I went to a high risk doctor who is a well known doctor here in Monmouth and Ocean County here in NJ. He is a wonderful docor I don't know what I would have done if we didn't find him. He delivered 2 of my 3 kids. My regular OBGYN delivered Madison who is now almost 5 months. But I saw the high risk dr. Every month, I went to the high risk dr only with Rayna (8) and JB (5) , but I thought I was done so I decided to get a regular OBGYN. Well when I became pregnant with her I asked to see the high risk dr also. So I saw both. But I am done now I had my tubes tied. We decided to give Madison Alexis' name as her middle name to honor her. And they share the same birthday month (June) and they both have a 4 in their birthday. Alexis is 6/4 and Maddie is 6/24.

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  #10  
November 16th, 2007, 10:22 AM
justjaQ's Avatar Platinum Super Mommy
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beth~ i'm popping in here from the 4/06 PR~ i read your story here when i was looking at your profile, and i had to come and send you some giant hugs. i'm so heartbroken for you, for all the parents who suffer such a great loss.

your faith is amazing, and inspiring~ i'm wishing you all the best, and praying for your heart to heal, & peace for your little angel boy.

XOXO
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msjaQ- 28, pantheist AP detroit mama to:
timothy michael, august 31, 2003, 12:02pm, 8 lb. 4 oz., 21"- 38 wks.
melissa may, april 7, 2006, 1:31pm, 7 lb. 10.5 oz., 19.5"- 36.5 wks
nicholas michael, january 31, 2010, 5:12pm, 5 lb. 11 oz., 18.25"- 37.1 wks
damon michael, january 21, 2012, 1:31am, 6 lb. 14 oz., 20", 38 wks
rainbow baby left me at 6-1/2 weeks on 09.08.12~ never forgotten, sweet child


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  #11  
January 6th, 2008, 06:42 PM
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Quote:
My name is Beth. I'm mommy to my beautiful baby girl who is now 19 months old and to Bryan Luke, born sleeping on August 4th, 2007. This is our story, sorry it is so long.

My husband and I had our daughter, Sarah Beth, at 27 weeks on April 3, 2006. She was born due to severe pre-eclampsia that was such a sudden onset it took us all by suprise. She was in the NICU for 76 days and came home on oxygen. So, because of all that my husband and I did not plan to have more children for a couple of years. We wanted to give Sarah Beth all our attention and allow her time to "catch up" developmentally and physically before we introduced another child to our home. So, we were on birth control. Nonetheless, in January 2007 I found out I was pregnant. After not having a period that month (though I'd been having them the past few months), I took a hpt on a whim and it came back positive. It terrified me. I remember looking at Sarah Beth who was still so little and not growing much at that point and thinking, "How in the world am I going to do this?" And in that same thought I remember thinking, "I'm going to be a mommy again! Sarah Beth is going to be a sister! I have a chance at a NORMAL pregnancy!" I told my husband that night and he said the same things I was thinking. YAY and OH NO all at once. We were scared and worried and in love with our baby already. We lay in bed that night praying for an hour or more that this pregnancy wouldn't end the same way and that we would make it to at least 33 weeks before we had this baby. I don't know really where we got that number except that I figured at that point we'd be so much better off than we were before. So we prayed and we believed and we finished that prayer with the words, "But, whatever You will for us and this baby, please just hold us through it all."

I went to the doctor and he confirmed that I was pregnant. I was put on progesterone but was able to come off that by 12 weeks. At 20 weeks we found out that we having a baby boy. Our elation was off the charts. Our family was going to be so wonderful! A beautiful baby girl and a bouncing baby boy. The dream, right? We already had a name too. It is the name I'd had since I was 6 years old. Named after my brother who had died when I was 6 and my favorite book of the Bible... Bryan Luke. At that point we started praying for him by name. I spent a lot of time with my pastor and we prayed together many times. (I work at the church as the youth minister.) At 27 weeks I was still fine. I had not started swelling or felt bad or even had a headache at all. Everyone around me breathed a sigh of relief. We felt we were there... we'd passed that mark! The people of my church were all overjoyed with me. I was even starting to "look" pregnant... something I never really did with Sarah Beth.

Then on Tuesday, July 31 I went in for a normal visit. I was 32 weeks and 5 days along. My blood pressure was very high and there was a significant amount of protein in my urine in the doctor's office so he sent me straight to the hospital for a non stress test. I felt fine and was completely floored by this. I called my husband and my mother and my best friend and my pastor on the way over to the hospital. I told them all what was happening and to pray but not to come. I said, "If it seems bad or if they want me to stay too long, I'll call you back." So I went in and they hooked me up to the monitors. I listened to Bryan Luke's heartbeat for a few hours while I laid on my left side. I sang to him and talked to him. He moved around a lot and worried the nurses a few times by moving out of range of the monitors. But in the end, my blood pressure had gone down a lot and Bryan Luke was fine. The protein was still there, but my liver functions seemed ok so my doctor gave me a steriod shot and sent me home on bedrest for the next two days and wanted to see me on Thursday. He also gave me a second steriod shot that my mother administered on Wednesday night. So I went home and stayed in bed on my left side even with my 15 month old daughter running around. I remember one night I was laying in bed with her beside me because she wouldn't sleep that night and I was watching her drift off. I started crying and praying. I said a lot but I remember saying, "OK God, if You want me to go through the NICU again, if You want me to have this boy early, I'll take it. I can do it with Your help. But please, please, don't take him away from me. I can do NICU and developmental problems and therapies and everything else, but just don't take him from me."

On Thursday, August 2, I went back to the doctor and my blood pressure was a little high, but not horrible and miraculously the protein was gone. Bryan Luke's heartbeat was strong and loud. So he sent me home and said to come back on Tuesday. He did say to stay on bedrest and to expect to stay there until he was born. So I went home. I was relieved. I expected to be on bedrest for the next few weeks and then to have a healthy full term (or at least almost full term) baby boy.

On Saturday, August 4, I woke up with a horrible headache. It was so bad I could barely breathe. I called my mother and she came over. I thought it was from sleeping with my arm over my head and making myself get a muscle spasm. It felt like that kind of headache. Plus my blood pressure had not really gone up significantly. So mom came over and she and my husband massaged my neck and helped me get into a semi-comfortable position. She took Sarah Beth and went home to let me rest. An hour later my head still wasn't better. I called my doctor who said to go on to the hospital just to be sure. My husband and I went and I threw up a couple of times on the way there. We finally got there and got into a room. In a strange turn of events, the same nurse got me that had me on Tuesday. She got me into the room and hooked me up to the monitor. She tried to hurrily find Bryan Luke's heartbeat while she was getting things together for starting my IV. She couldn't get the heartbeat. I was crying and kept saying, "Come on baby boy, where are you?" She said, "It's ok. I'm trying to do too many things. Let me take care of your IV and then we'll get him. Remember it took us some time to find him on Tuesday." Another nurse came in to try to get him on the monitor then left again. Then the doctor came in with the ultrasound machine. I watched as he scanned me. I saw my son on the screen, but no movement... no heartbeat... just completely still. I said through my tears, "Is he gone?" The doctor shook his head and said very quietly, "Yes." I said, "What do we do now?" He said, "I'll give you a few minutes and then we'll talk about that." So he left. The nurse left. And my husband and I collapsed in a flood of tears. He held me and we cried and cried and yelled at God. When I composed myself a little I called my mother and said, "He's gone." She said, "I'll be there." I called my best friend who called everyone else. My mother was there in just a few minutes and my mother-in-law wasn't far behind. My pastor came in sometime. My father showed up too. My brother and my best friend stayed home and took care of Sarah Beth for me. I only remember flashes of what happened after that. I was still so sick. My head hurt so bad I could not really open my eyes. The doctor came in and said we'd have to do a C-Section to deliver Bryan Luke since I'd had a C-Section with Sarah Beth and he didn't want to risk a VBAC. But he wanted to get me a little better before the surgery. I couldn't think too much. My head hurt just so bad. The crying wasn't helping of course too. I remember my pastor getting there and I grabbed his arm as he hugged me and cried into his arm and asked why over and over. They took me for an emergency Cat Scan at some point too because they thought I might have some sort of anurism. The meds they gave me should have completely knocked me out, but after 3 doses (the maximum anyone can get) I still hurt just as bad. Nothing gave me any relief at all. Finally they decided they couldn't wait anymore and did the C-Section. I don't remember any of it. My husband said that they gave me an epidural, but I fell asleep. He actually said I was snoring.

I woke up in the ICU. They were still very worried about my head. They just didn't know what was wrong and they had given me so much medicine they needed to closely monitor me. But after a few hours I started feeling better. I sent my husband home to sleep (since there is no place to sleep in ICU) and I laid there all night semi-dosing. I kept having horrible dreams. I was searching for Bryan Luke and could hear him crying but couldn't find him. I would wake up sometimes yelling. The nurses would run in but nothing was wrong except the dreams. My mother brought my daughter up the next day. The nurses let her come into the ICU even though children aren't allowed in there. She saw me and smiled really big and came right down to me. She laid down on my shoulder and started petting my arm almost like, "It's ok mommy, I'm here." We stayed just like for about 10 minutes and it was the first moment I thought that I could live through this.

During my ICU stay the nurses brought Bryan Luke to me. They had dressed him and wrapped him in a blanket and I would hold him for hours. My husband held him and our parents did too. I told him that I was so sorry that my body didn't allow him to live. I stared at him trying to memorize every feature. I unwrapped him from the blanket and looked at him, his finger, his toes, everything, just trying to remember because I knew I wouldn't get to hold him again. They brought him to me whenever I asked. Finally I told my husband that I had to stop holding him. I had to say goodbye.

We had a funeral for him on Thursday, August 9 after I was released from the hospital. So many people came I was so suprised. My pastor gave an amazing message and one of my friends sang the song, "I'll Praise You In This Storm." I felt like I was really able to say goodbye to him.

Now, I still cry. I'm still angry sometimes. I trust that God is holding me. I think of how I asked Him in the beginning to make it to 33 weeks and we did that. He was born at 33 weeks and a couple of days. And He held me and still holds me through it all. I now am searching for what He wants me to do with all this. I need an outlet for my grief and I really want to help others who grieve. So I'm searching. In that way, I think I will honor Bryan Luke's memory. His short life will make a difference so many more lives.

So that is our story. We still don't know why he died. We aren't sure if it had anything to do with the preeclampsia. The doctors don't think so because he looked great. The cord and placenta looked great. They have put it down as a cord accident. They just don't have a lot of answers. They've done a lot of blood tests and such, but haven't found anything. So we aren't sure if we'll try for more biological children. We really want more, but aren't sure if it would be fair to the baby. We are leaving it all in God's hands now.[/b]
After talking to you for a whole month now, I JUST noticed this post!

My eyes are filled with tears.

Being the mom of a preemie and comming from a familiy of nothing but preemies I know how big of a deal the milestones are to a preemie mom. You have the survival & survival w/o major defects percentages memorized... I can't imagine having felt the pride of having Made it as far as you did with Bryan Luke... an age when almost hardly any babies (comparably by the percentage chart) die of prematurity, to loose him. The irony is cruel.

You handle such pain while still keeping your heart open and maintaining a high level of compassion and grace that defines you.

::HUGS::

(Big Ones)
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