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  #1  
December 13th, 2007, 12:46 PM
yahtzeecat1981's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 9,760
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My heart is breaking as I am asking for help. I attend a mommies group called MOPS and one of my friends in the group just found out that she lost her baby at 21 weeks. I have never been here before, I want to be as sensetive as possible but I have no idea what to say or do, please, any advice
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  #2  
December 13th, 2007, 01:55 PM
Fluffy Baby's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Location: SW FL
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I don't know what to tell you. I lost my baby and still don't know what I like to hear. If I had a friend that was going thru this, I would say, "I am so sorry about your loss. If you ever need to talk I am here for you. If you ever need anything, I am here for you, so don't be afraid."

I would also maybe make dinner a few times for her and her DH and other kids (if she has them).
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  #3  
December 13th, 2007, 11:22 PM
claire1979's Avatar mummy to a special angel
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i know its hard hunnie please pass on my condolences....maybe you dont need to say anything just let her know you are there for her no matter what....like leann says i dont know what i wanted saying to me...and i know that alot of people avoided me and talked about me behind my back and that hurt the most.....just give her a hug and let her/ her dh cry and talk about there angel that really helps me.....hope this helps hun x
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  #4  
December 15th, 2007, 08:22 AM
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Join Date: Oct 2006
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I also wanted to say that the best thing is to just be there for her when she is ready. I pushed people away at first, a few weeks later is when i really needed a friend. It is nice to just know that people care. You might tell her to visit us here on the board because it is easier talking to other mommies that have been through this. And the only thing to really say is "i am so sorry for your loss". It is also good to let her know that you dont know what she is going through. I had people trying to relate a mc to my loss and it infuriated me.
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  #5  
December 15th, 2007, 09:25 PM
Fluffy Baby's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I had that same problem, people were acting like I misscarried. I have been thru a m/c and it doesn't hold a candle to a stillbirth IMO. I carried that baby 42 weeks, I did not miscarry.
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  #6  
December 17th, 2007, 09:32 AM
SarahBethsMommy's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Please do tell her you are sorry for her loss. A lot of people just didn't say anything to me and I felt like an outcast. I would much rather people who knew me to just say, "I'm so sorry! I don't know what to say, but know that I'm here to listen to you whenever you need to talk." Also, talk about her baby by name if she has named him or her. I love hearing my son's name even when it hurts. It makes him so much more real to everyone. I know he's my son, I know he is real, but everyone around me I'm not sure if they do... so when they say his name I know that they also know he is real and as much my child as my earth angel is.

Don't expect her to grieve in any certain way either. All people grieve differently. Allow her time to do that however she needs to. Don't tell her how... I had too many people telling me "how to grieve."

And pass on this site. It has been a true blessing for me.
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  #7  
December 26th, 2007, 11:13 PM
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: BERGEN COUNTY, NJ
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I just lost my daughter at 21 weeks, Only 2 weeks and 4 days ago, I can only tell you what people have done and NOT done that has and HAS NOT helped me.

Doing and saying nothing seems to hurt the most... ESPECIALLY when you see or talk to the person ignoring that it happened... I think people do this as to NOT REMIND the mother... LIKE I FORGOT???????

I LOVED it when people asked me about her because almost no one did.... actually the ONLY people who did were my sister and BF... it felt SO good!!!!! Part of me is a Proud mom, even if I am grieving. I WANT to tell you how beautiful she was, I want to tell you about her perfect tiny hands and feet...... I WANT to tell you how good it felt to hold her, I may cry, hell I probobly will, I NEED to cry with my friends and not just my best friends.... ALL of my friends.

Only my BF has ever asked to see her picture, and that hurts, if you can handle it... ask. Trust me it will mean the world to her.

You see once you start listening you let me talk... you let me vent, you let me do something I don't get to do. Everyone else offers words of wisdom they know nothing about and some that are just downright retarted.... Well at least you have two others.... as if they are interchangable. Oh your 8 year old died, lets go pick out a new one at the orphanage!!

(In Avas memory box, I am keeping a list of the stupidest things people have said to me, so that instead of just crying together.... maybe we might laugh too)

Stick to what you know.... your a friend... listen, love, hug, let her yell, scream... don't tell her she has to be strong.... don't tell her she has to anything. Just let her do what she needs to do to grieve, don't judge her - just be there to hold here hand (and on one of her bad days maybe her hair out of the toilet)

sarmomemt@mac.com

good luck and if you want to give her my contact info feel free since we lost our babies at pretty much the same time.
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