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Just Had a Stillbirth, Need Help Please


Forum: Stillbirth

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  #1  
December 19th, 2007, 11:01 PM
Regular
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: BERGEN COUNTY, NJ
Posts: 9
Hi,
My name is Crystal and my family and I just lost our baby girl, Ava Grace on December 9th (2007) - A little over a week ago. I was 21 weeks along. It was a combonation of an abrupt ion and PROM. Needless to say I have been a disaster. Hell, I even broke my foot 4 days ago in a feble attempt to drink to feel better (I don't drink much so I guess I just f*^ked that up) Nothing seems to make me feel better, not even my two other girls (usually), I just feel either dead, angry at everyone or can't stop crying. I feel like I'm the only one mourning her. My husband and I disagree on almost everything on what to do with arrangements. I just feel empty and alone.

We had our daughter creamated. We want to have some sort of memorial service but I have no idea what to do. I am not religious at all. Where do you start? I am a website/graphic designer so I designed the memorial cards and program covers (if we need them) Ordered a pretty baby angel urn, a brecelet with her name on it... that's all I could think of and that's not all that productive for the ceremony.

I need some real help for the memorial and for my head... I feel like i'm loosing my mind.
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<span style="font-family:Impact">Mommy to Kaitlyn Age 5 (a 33 weeker)
Megan 23 Months (Full Term)
Ava Grace (Still Born)
http://www.iamcrystallee.com/wp</span>
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  #2  
December 19th, 2007, 11:29 PM
colorcky's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: California, USA
Posts: 1,768
Awww honey, I am so sorry you had to go through this. Your angel is absolutely precious. If you need to talk, please feel free to PM me I have some very nice memorial ideas you might like.
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  #3  
December 20th, 2007, 07:51 AM
Fluffy Baby's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: SW FL
Posts: 8,785
I am so sorry you had to find us. My name is LeAnn and my angel was born sleeping on October 19. I did not have as rough as a time as you are. I hope you can find peace in what has happened and remember that your daughters need you. Alyssa is the only reason I am sane. I have to hold it together for her. She is 17 months old and doesn't understand why mommy is upset. I was on anti depressants, but they were making things worse. I went off of them 2 weeks ago and that allowed me to start grieving. I miss my son everyday and look at his pictures everyday. As the days go by I look at them less often, but at least once a day. My son was fullterm 42w2d actually. Everyday I blame myself for what happened.

I just want you to know that I am going thru the same thing right now. It is so fresh. It has only been 11 days since your angel was born. Let yourself grieve. Don't let this ruin your marriage. DH and I are barely on speaking terms right now. I hope it doesn't destroy us.

We are here to listen and talk about our precious children. I think it helps to talk. Talk about the things you remember from when you were preggo.

I also still feel like I am the only one mourning. It has been 2m1d and everyone else seemed to move on. Just remember you will get thru this, never over it.

I also had Dominic cremated. I have his ashes in several different places. We did not hold a memorial for him and I don't know if we will. I don't want to relive that.

Remember that everyone grieves differently. You are especially the one that will grieve the most. Your sweet DD lived in you for 21 weeks. You offered her the best home possible. I always say that My son lived and died in his mother's womb knowning nothing but unconditional love. I know as hard as it is, he passed peacefully in MY belly and if that had to happen, I wouldn't want it happening any other way. I am the only one that got to really know him. He knows that I loved him, I told him alot.

**I will write more later, but now I am crying and can't see the keyboard and the screen is blurry.**

Take it easy and we are here for you. <3

BTW, your daughter is a beautiful little girl <3
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Rest In Peace Jennifer <3



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  #4  
December 20th, 2007, 09:56 AM
Mom 2 Avery's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 1,611
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It is with great sadness that I welcom you to our board.
What a cutie your Ava is!!!!

It's been a couple of years since I lost my precious Avery, but I still remember how much it hurt!!!
There are lots of strong, brave women here that don't hesitate to help when you need it...
Just remember, we're here for you!!!

One day at a time, sweetie!!!
Always with hugs!
Dawna
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  #5  
December 21st, 2007, 07:36 AM
jhmomofmany's Avatar Look! A Dancing Banana!
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Crystal, I am so very sorry that you lost your baby girl. There is nothing I can say that will make it better, it takes time and patience. Even though it is hard try to find comfort in mothering your other children. That was one thing that helped me keep my head straight and stay out of depression or despair. It was really hard, and there were times I wished with all my heart that I could just stay in bed all day or stay drunk or whatever it would take to be numb for just a while. But because of my children I couldn't do it, and that was for the best. I wish I knew how to help. My thoughts are with you and your family. *gentle hugs*
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  #6  
December 21st, 2007, 02:55 PM
MyAngelHayden's Avatar Veteran
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: The Jersey Shore
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I'm so sorry! I lost my daughter, Hayden in Oct 2006 at 23 weeks. Her father & I didn't agree on much at all either & I felt alone as well, especially when being around him. The things you have already done for your beautiful baby girl seem amazing already but I know that it can feel like it's never enough at times. Maybe you & your family can hold a little memorial gathering at your home or a family member's house where poems can be read & maybe do a little balloon release. If you need someone to talk to, please feel free to PM me or e-mail me, thedoors_hd@yahoo.com. Take Care. (((HUGS)))

~Heather
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  #7  
December 26th, 2007, 10:27 PM
Regular
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: BERGEN COUNTY, NJ
Posts: 9
I can't tell you what all of your replies have meant to me... just to hear "Your daughter is beautiful"... That is something I thought I would never hear from anyone else. I sat through reading through these replies over and over and I would just cry.

I then went through and read as many of the other posts on the stillbirth board as I possibly could.... and besides by girls.... nothing else has made me feel better.

I have been feeling like there has been something wrong with me that no one could understand me and as I sat reading through all of these posts I realized No one can understand unless they have been here.

I had just been having bad days and worse days but I have managed to actually sneak in 2 good days in there... I feel guilty for feeling good but I have finally gotten to a point where my kids ARE keeping me going. (I cry EVERY TIME thry do something cute)

I found a great book on memorials and funerals.... "Bittersweet Goodbye???" I Think?? I'm taking some ideas and making something of my own and I think we aren't going to do it until spring.

My husband and I are still - who knows, he is trying... If I'm crying for 6 hours the man will hold me for 6 hours and he will do what ever he can to try and make me feel better. He just doesn't realize what he says hurts when he says it. We just come from two different worlds - The Love is certianly there and him holding me feels better than anything in the world but I don't want the man to open his mouth.... I just can't talk to him.... but I'm noticing thats a theme here.

Thanks for everyones support!!!!!! From the bottom of my SOUL, right now as pathetic as this sounds... my kids, my sister, my BF and this board are all I got right now.

(Oh and *** is a PM????)
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<span style="font-family:Impact">Mommy to Kaitlyn Age 5 (a 33 weeker)
Megan 23 Months (Full Term)
Ava Grace (Still Born)
http://www.iamcrystallee.com/wp</span>
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  #8  
December 27th, 2007, 06:07 AM
SarahBethsMommy's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 4,847
A PM is a private message. Click on a person's name and on the left side of the screen you'll see a thing that says, "Send Message." It's like email through this board. No one but you and that person can read it. If you look at the top right of your screen you'll see something that says, "0 New Messages" (or if you have one, it could say, "1 New Message"). That is where you click to read your PMs.

And I haven't responded here yet, because I haven't had time to sit and write. I'm sorry for that. I lost my son on August 4 this year and it has hurt so much more than anything else I've ever felt. I'm so sorry you had to experience pain like losing your child. It is so unfair and nothing anyone can say would make it anything less than just plain unfair!

I am pretty spiritual (I don't like the word religious since I'm not one of those crazy religious people... lol). I hope you don't mind, I've been praying for peace for you. I really believe that for me, God is the one that got through this all. I've been blessed to have my daughter and my husband (who has said a couple of stupid things, but the holding me when I cry feels really good too).

I also love it when people ask to see his picture or when they say his name. It makes me know that believe he was my "real" son too... and when people just say nothing or say stupid stuff I think, "Do you think I made this son of mine up or something?!"

I love seeing Ava's picture. What a beautiful girl she is! And what a beautiful name. I love it! I'd love to hear all you can tell us about Ava.

Feel free to PM me anytime too.
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  #9  
December 28th, 2007, 07:51 AM
TanyaM's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Alberta, Canada
Posts: 2,304
I'm so sorry for the loss of your beautiful little girl. Hugs.
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  #10  
December 31st, 2007, 05:36 PM
Mom2LinaNangels's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 1,170
she is beautiful. I am so sorry, that is all I can say.
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  #11  
December 31st, 2007, 07:05 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Arizona
Posts: 4,715
I am so very sorry for your loss and so sorry I haven't been on here in so long. Your precious angel is just beautiful. I am one of the crazy religious gals around here. I finally had to beg Jesus for help on my knees in one of my darkest hours after our loss and He truly has carried me through ever since and I am forever grateful He has her in His arms to take care of her until I get there to hold her again myself.
Honestly, that is what keeps me going. That and my two other little ones and my husband. I am so happy for you that you are able to find some peace with Kaitlyn and Megan by your side and you are very blessed to have a husband that will hold you while you cry. He sounds like an amazingly sensitive and loving man. I remember right after losing Macy, I would shoot up from sleeping and just sob so loud, like a voice I have never heard before. My husband would do his best to comfort me and I am grateful for that. I just think men don't always feel what we feel because they did not carry the baby but they grieve too, probably just much more silently. I will pray that you can find some peace in your marraige and some healing in your heart.
Remember to take long deep breaths. This is a wonderful place to find support and love.
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