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  #1  
February 8th, 2008, 12:46 PM
Fluffy Baby's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Dh and I are constantly at each other. Money is a huge stressor in our life also, but it always has been. After Dominic was born things were better for a few weeks. Now, it is hell. I think he secretly blames me for DS dieing because I was waiting to go into labor (trying for VBAC) and nobody, including me was sure of my dates. I had periods while I was preggo because I was taking birth control pills. Who knows when I was due? I don't think he understands the emotional issues I am having. Everything is so chaotic. Don't get my wrong, my husband doesn't hit me or call me names, but he treats me differently. I feel like it has to do with DS.

How was your relationship/marriage effected?
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  #2  
February 8th, 2008, 01:29 PM
Jaidynsmum's Avatar Dreams do come true....
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I'm so sorry you're going through such a hard time with your DH. I don't think he blames you, he's probably not sure how to handle it all. Losing Dominic is hard on both of you and, as with most men, they feel they can't show too much emotion and grief. Inside he has been torn apart and he can't let it out the way we do.

Our situation was different. We found out at 17 weeks that Cilidh might not survive her birth or would die soon after, so we had those weeks to prepare ourselves (not that it is something you can ever prepare for). Peter got angry, I cried. Anger was his way of dealing with it. He managed to punch a dent in a solid brick wall!! He got all his anger out before Ceilidh was born, so after he had no anger left in him.

Our relationship grew stronger, hence why we are still together over 13 years later and have 4 more children.

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  #3  
February 8th, 2008, 05:21 PM
Fluffy Baby's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Well, I am pretty sure most of my family blames me, including DH. During the holidays there was some drinking. You know how people say stuff they mean but are to scared to say it when they are sober. Just because I wasn't in the room doesn't mean I can't hear. But that is a whole other story. I just can feel the distance. I can feel the blame, u know?
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  #4  
February 8th, 2008, 07:33 PM
SarahBethsMommy's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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First of all, Dominic's death was NOT your fault. I'm sorry that you feel like your family feels it was. Tragedies happen at all points in pregnancies. If your doctor thought there was a risk, he or she would have done something. No one knew... it is no one's fault.

Have you talked with DH about how you feel? Have you told him what you heard?

I had a period of time when I was really angry with my husband. I didn't blame him really, but I was just mad. I was supposed to be on strict bedrest before Bryan Luke died, and I was as much as possible, but DH wouldn't get up with Sarah Beth at night and I had her alone until my mother could get there because he wouldn't take off work for a couple of hours with me. Bed rest wouldn't have prevented Bryan Luke's death, but I was angry that I couldn't say that I had done all the doctor had told me. I had to finally talk with him. I told him I was angry. He said he blamed himself because of those things. We both were able to vent a lot and cry with each other and finally hold each other and remind one another that it wasn't anyone's fault. No one knew what would happen. No one could have prevented it. We just couldn't blame this on anyone, including ourselves.

Now we're closer than ever I think. What could have driven us apart brought us together.
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  #5  
February 8th, 2008, 09:51 PM
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The loss of our dd at first brought us very close together, but slowly we started drifting apart. I wanted to talk about her and he wanted to forget. He went back to work only 2 days later, while I sat at home with all of her clothes, pictures, and car seat staring back at me. I thought he blamed me too, but come to find out he didn't blame me at all. He said he just felt helpless, he couldn't do anything for me in the hospital, or when we got home. He is not one to show emotion, but he was forced into actually feeling when we lost her. It was the first time I had ever seen him cry ever, in 5 years. And at the mention of her name even now he will tear up. It has caused a lot of tension between us, but he has just now agreed to go to counseling because I threatened a divorce. I think and hope that it will help us to talk to others irl that have been through this. Maybe you and your dh could go to a support group? Just a suggestion. Also there is a book called "empty cradle, broken hearts" that really helped me to learn that men deal with grief much differently than women. Sorry you are going through this right now. There are many stages of grief. Anger is just one of them. ((HUGS))
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  #6  
February 9th, 2008, 09:51 AM
Fluffy Baby's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Thanks for the book suggestion. Right now, DH and I can't go do anything. He is always working because we need the money. We also live somewhat in the boondocks, so a grief support group is about an hour or more away. I would like to go, but our schedule doesn't permit it right now. I don't know if I could get him to go either. I will definately pick up that book. It just sounds sad from the title.
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  #7  
February 9th, 2008, 03:20 PM
claire1979's Avatar mummy to a special angel
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were pretty much the same now as we were before there was a time when it happened where we were closer times when we needed eachother....we remember her together and in our own way...lee dosent talk much about her but i know from experience that he often thinks of her...for sometime after i got upset with him cause it semed like he dint think or remember her cause he didn talk about her much...i have learned that he grieves differently.....
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  #8  
February 10th, 2008, 06:51 PM
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I totally understand the lack of money too. It really does put strain on the marriage, but money isn't everything. Dh and I struggled with money and my pregnancy because of my diabetes. I went through so many supplies trying to keep my health the best I possibly could, then the birth and delivery, and funeral expenses too. We are in debt now, and I am ok with it. I am not going to worry about the things we can't change. Dh works a ton of hours too, but we occassionally just go out and enjoy ourselves and not think about the money we shouldn't be spending. I know it seems like you can't afford to do things, but sometimes you can't afford not to! Kwim? I just finished school and now am looking for a job, so eventually it will all turn around. We will get out of debt, we will have a baby to bring home.

Maybe the support group would help you, even if dh won't go with you? Its just a thought. I know that coming on here and one other board, I have got a lot of support from other mommies. I hope that you and your dh will find away to work through this.
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  #9  
February 10th, 2008, 09:54 PM
luvmytinkerbelle's Avatar Veteran
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I'm sorry Dh is treating you this way. You are NOT to blame at all. I know with my DH he was sad and would cry but I never saw it. He was stronge for me. But he would also get angry if I would talk about Emily to start off with. He didn't even want me to show her picture to anyone, but he has sinced changed. I hope the best for you.

Hugs!!!!
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  #10  
February 13th, 2008, 07:37 PM
sarahp's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Will your health insurance cover any sort of counselling? Sounds like you both need help dealing with it.

We're much closer now, but our loss was less stressful than yours I daresay and we've also since been through major surgery which has also brought us closer together. I can understand how stressed you guys must be
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