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Forum: Stillbirth

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  #1  
March 10th, 2008, 03:22 PM
lunarmagic's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I just found this forum. I was/am from the April 08 DDC.... last Thursday we lost our son, Devin. Regular 36 week midwife appointment, no heartbeat. I gave birth that day, March 6, to our little boy. We got to see him, hold him... we got some photos of him.

It looks like this forum will be helpful to me.... with the resources, and being able to be around others who have been in my shoes. We are still trying to figure out how to get through each day. The nights are terrifying for me. I hate the silence, the dark, the thoughts in my head.

I feel guilt. People keep telling me not to, but it's so hard not to. I had noticed a change in his movement. He was always so active... and then he got much quieter. I explained it by the fact that he was growing so big in there... and that he seemed to have turned over so his feet were down towards my spine. One day I got really worried, but he woke up and reassured me. The next day he was extremely active and I felt okay. But it wasn't okay. A few days later he was dead. And it just tears my heart out that I didn't know. I didn't know the risks... I didn't know how frequently stillbirth happens.

Anyways. We are trying to get through as best as we can.
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  #2  
March 10th, 2008, 08:29 PM
sarahp's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I'm so sorry you've had to go through this. I saw you had 2 in your DDC - we had 2 in our DDC as well (September 07). You absolutely should not feel guilty - babies get more quiet as they get bigger, it's just what happens. I was really angry at how many people came out and said they'd lost babies late in pregnancy - we were in shock thinking we were the only ones it happened to. We had no idea that it actually happened a fair bit that late in pregnancy. I have vowed to talk about him to people regularly, particularly to people expecting a child, so they know the risks, and how important is to do the kick counts. It's human nature to wonder what if. I think we want to blame ourselves as well, because "you were unlucky" isn't a good enough explanation. I know I wish I had a reason, so next time I could say "well I know not to eat dirt this time", rather than just hoping that I won't have "bad luck, it was a cord accident" again next time.

Night times were worst for me as well, and they will haunt you for a long time unfortunately. Try to get some good books to read in bed, just to try and distract you a bit. I remember lying awake wondering if I would ever be happy again, if I would ever smile again and if that big, empty hole that's left in my heart will ever be filled.

Be prepared for the fact that people will ask "oh you've had the baby, how is he" for a long time - including idiots at the OB clinic, friends, and shop assistants at places you frequent. It will last forever - nobody ever thinks that maybe you'd have the baby with you if it was born, so try to steel yourself for the questions. Saying "no, he was stillborn" will break your heart every time you have to say it.

I do want to assure you that 6 months has passed, and while I still think of our Joshua regularly, the pain has diminished, and I can talk about him and think about him without feeling as though my heart is being ripped out. It will take time, so be easy on yourself, do things that relax you and you enjoy, and accept help from friends. Whenever I was sad, I went and hung out with a happy, positive friend whose shoulder I could cry on, and by the time I left I would be happy again. If you have a friend or relative like that - use them.

If you need to talk, just send me a message.
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  #3  
March 11th, 2008, 12:11 AM
Fluffy Baby's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Both of you mad me cry.

Lunar, I am so so sorry for your loss. Sarahp's post is exactly how I have felt for the last 4.5 months, since my son, Dominic was still born at 41 weeks. I am so sorry to have to welcome you, but welcome. It has been a few weeks since we got someone new. I dread this moment, that I sit here and cry for a mother and family that is going thru this grief. My heart is breaking for you hun. Stillborns do happen in about 1 out of 116 births. We are here for you and don't be shy to post here.

**hugs**
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  #4  
March 11th, 2008, 12:49 AM
la_sirena's Avatar Veteran
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I am so, so sorry for the loss of your son. I hope you're doing ok.
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  #5  
March 11th, 2008, 03:17 AM
claire1979's Avatar mummy to a special angel
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h hun im just so sorry im also from the april ddc and i saw your post and it broke my heart. im co host here and lost my daughter jessica who was born sleeping in 05 i have felt all the guilt and the anger and the blaming myself hun....i know no matter how many times saying dont feel guilty it dosent stop you cause i know....you will have all these feelings but it does get easier it may not seem like it at the moment but hun its all still so raw but you will think of precious devin and smile one day i thought i never would but i can now, it hurts like hell its the worst pain ever and noone however they might say or think but they will never know the pain unless been here! you will get throu this you have a very beautiful and precious angel and are a very special mummy i wish you all the love and strength to get throu the early darkness of the pain hun

special floaty kisses to little devin x x x
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  #6  
March 11th, 2008, 07:34 AM
SarahBethsMommy's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I am so sorry! I had those guilty feelings too. I had been in the hospital just a few days before because they thought I was going pre-eclamptic again and they sent me home. I kick myself now almost daily for not insisting I should stay. But the reality is... no one could know. It isn't my fault, it isn't the doctor's fault, it isn't anyone's fault. As much as I want to blame someone, I can't. And it isn't your fault either. Even if you'd been in the hospital this could have happened. You did nothing but love your sweet little boy and protected him as well as you humanly could. Devin knew nothing but complete and utter unconditional love.

The nights are still the worst for me for sure. I am a Christian and I have found that reading through Proverbs each day (there are 31 chapters of Proverbs, so I read one each day) has helped me rest.

It has now been 7 months since my Bryan Luke's death and though I still hurt, I can see past that day. I even laugh again now.
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  #7  
March 11th, 2008, 02:38 PM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
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The nights are definitely the worst part. When everything and everyone is quiet and you have nothing but your thoughts for company. It was the hardest for me. For the first month I couldn't sleep unless I took a sleep aid.

I'm approaching Cora's second angelversary (May 2), and I still have some of those same feelings and thoughts. Guilt is a normal part of grief, and the only way over it is through it. Don't dwell on it, but let yourself feel everything that comes your way. Nothing you feel is "bad" or "wrong." Everyone's pattern of grief is different and you've suffered one of the most horrible losses anyone can deal with.


I remember thinking to myself a few months later that I could *finally* smile again, for real. Not a forced one, but a real one.

I'm sorry that you have to join our ranks here, but I'm glad you found us.
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  #8  
March 11th, 2008, 09:45 PM
lunarmagic's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Thank you all.... it is a big comfort to hear from others who have been there, as I'm sure you know. Everything you have all written is so true.

My husband is everything to me right now. I cling to him in bed, I sleep pushed up against him (and normally I sleep on the far other side of our king size bed - I like my space to sleep). We have been able to laugh sometimes during the day.... at random things.... even though sometimes we feel guilty about it. I don't feel like I can smile though. I look at myself in the mirror and I look different. I feel like the light has left my eyes, my heart. I am so thankful for my husband. He's my reminder that there are good things in life. At least I have him. I don't know what I would do without him.

It's so hard now, with all my due date buddies having babies. I have several friends due around the same time as I am.... people online. I want to be able to congratulate them, but it's hard.

I worry about having a second child. Devin was so utterly perfect... even his name was perfect, we spent 3 years picking out a boy's name, the only one we ever agreed on. How could our next child be so loved? How could any other baby be as perfect as our Devin? I'm sure it's a common worry... and I'm sure somehow we'll figure it out. But it goes through my head.

I also forgot to mention that our journey was not an easy one. Devin was conceived only after 2 IVF attempts. He was our miracle child. We are terrified that we will not be able to get pregnant again. Our insurance covered only 2 IVFs, we have no more coverage. We desperately are hoping that we will somehow get lucky on our own and be able to conceive naturally.... hoping that being pregnant has somehow "fixed" something in my body. Otherwise I just don't know what we will do. Not ony do we have to deal with the tremendous loss of our beautiful Devin, but we don't know how or when we will ever be pregnant again...... life just seems so unfair.
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  #9  
March 12th, 2008, 09:43 AM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
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Oh honey, this completely breaks my heart! I've always held it as a small comfort that my Cora was so easily conceived. I always said I couldn't imagine how it would feel to lose a baby so late after a couple IVF attempts. I'm sorry that that is the position you are in. I agree, it's SO unfair. I think, when you're ready, you should talk to your RE to see if they would be willing to help you out a little with the cost of another procedure, see if they'll subsidize it or something. It's worth a try anyway.


As for the name, my angel took the perfect name with her too.


And, I think that it's every parent's worry as to whether you can love another child as much, whether or not the first child is living or not. I think our ability to love is surprising. After all, you never run out.

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  #10  
March 12th, 2008, 02:33 PM
Sebastians_mom
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Hey Nat, I guess I wanted to respond even though I haven't posted on this forum before. I wanted to say something in our DDC but I just didn't know what to say. To be honest I can't bring myself to post there anymore, it is to hard, It makes me feel sick when I see other women having babies now and I hate feeling like that, so I mostly just avoid it. It's going to be a rough time, not only do we have to deal with our loss, but having friends around us who are welcoming healthy babies into the world, approaching our own due dates, welcoming the spring weather that we should be enjoying our babies in.

I know everyone says not to feel guilty, but personally that doesn't stop you from feeling that way. My baby had been quiet for a few days, I told myself it was because he was getting bigger, because he had finally turned head down. I ask myself 1000 times a day 'what if i went in days earlier?' would I have had time for the steroid shots to work? would he have been less sick? Did I drink to much caffeine? What about all the days I forgot to take my prenatals... One day I hope I can go a day without asking myself what if, but I don't see that day being any time soon.

I too find incredible comfort in my husband, he is the only one, he holds me when I cry, listens to my concerns, smiles at me when I look at him. I honestly believe if I didn't have him I wouldn't have been able to make it through each day.

It has only be 12 days since Sebastian passed away but every day I do cry a little less, I still cry myself to sleep at night but I do manage to find some enjoyment during the day with my husband, I to feel guilty when I laugh or when I find myself in a moment forgetting about Sebastian.

My heart breaks for you, I can't imagine the feeling of not knowing if you will be able to get pregnant again. The thought that I will one day have a baby in my life to hold is one of the biggest motivations to get through the day. I don't know how healthy it is but my husband and I always talk about the baby we will one day have, we talk about getting pregnant again, about what we will call him/her. Some how it just makes some of the pain go away. I am terrified of being pregnant again, I am so scared I will spend the entire pregnancy wondering if my baby is going to die, I don't know if I will be able to enjoy being pregnant ever again.

I know there is not a lot anyone can say to make any of this any easier, I guess I can just offer support from someone who feels your pain.

Tash
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  #11  
March 13th, 2008, 01:46 PM
Jaidynsmum's Avatar Dreams do come true....
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My heart is aching for you. It's a pain that no-one should have to go through. I hope and pray that you find the love and peace that you need. xxxxxxxxxxxx
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  #12  
March 15th, 2008, 06:11 AM
Ben,Logan&Kaitlin'sMommy's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I am very sorry for the loss of your son
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