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LeAnn


Forum: Stillbirth

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  #1  
March 18th, 2008, 02:33 PM
Sebastians_mom
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How are you feeling? I bet happy and terrified at the same time? I have been thinking about you a ton these last few days.
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  #2  
March 18th, 2008, 05:06 PM
Fluffy Baby's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: SW FL
Posts: 8,785
Well, I am feeling pretty good.

Physically- No morning sickness yet. I am tired all the time.

Emotionally- Well, I am not really afraid of another stillborn baby. I think that I read that 97% of moms that have a stillborn go on to have healthy babies. I am more scared of what a 3rd pregnancy and a 3rd c/s in 3 years is going to do to my body. My fear is ME dieing this time. I am actually really excited and I can't wait to feel this baby kick. I can't wait to see it on a u/s. I was scared at first, but I feel as tho it was suppose to happen. As much as I wanted to wait, I feel so "eased". I feel like my heavenly family sent me this baby. They seen what I went thru. They know that I needed this. I am not replacing Dominic in any way, but I am giving him a little sibling to look after. I am moving forward with my life and not dwelling on his death, but rather his life. What little time I had with him, I am lucky to have got that. I look back at his pregnancy and the things I experienced while I was pregnant, I know he was meant to teach us a reason. I feel like I took my DD for granted before. I am a totally different mom because of him. I feel like I am a better mom. I didn't realize what a miracle my babies were. I talk to my 20 month old everyday about her brother. When she sees the siggys of our angels, she yells BABY and it breaks my heart to have to tell her that they are in heaven with her brother. I don't hide that she has a brother and I won't hid it with this baby. I feel like they need to know about him.

I can't believe as parents we have to go thru losing a baby, even a child, no matter what age. Nobody can know the pain of a grieving mother, NOBODY unless they have been thru that. Mother-child bonds is one of the strongest things in the world. When my son died, my heart broke. My heart ached. I yerned to hold and caress a sweet little baby. My son, with the help of God, granted me that. My heart doesn't feel so empty, even tho I still miss him. I can smile and laugh knowning that I have another miracle growing inside of me. I am giving Dominic a baby brother or sister.

I have different beliefs than most people. I believe this baby could even be Dominic's soul, whether boy or girl, but it would NOT be the baby I knew last year. I believe Alyssa was the baby I miscarried. We weren't ready for her in that part of our lives but she came back to us, so I don't grieve my miscarriage as much as others do. I believe she came back to me.

I was really close with my great grandmother who died October 23, 1999. Her birthday is February 15. I got pregnant right about that time with this baby. I just feel like, it will be ok........

Thanks for asking hun.


How are you? How are you feeling?
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Leann <3 Hector
My trio: Alyssa 7, Tristan 4.75, Gavin 1.5

I am a mixture of all that and a bag of chips... IJS



Rest In Peace Jennifer <3



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  #3  
March 18th, 2008, 05:50 PM
Sebastians_mom
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I am doing ok, I think now that the Dr's appointments are over, the funeral is over, we have had to face the family, it is time to start getting back to every day things.

I think the hardest part for me still is that no one I know in real life understands how I feel. I am not trying to offend anyone who had a miscarriage, I've had one myself about 7 years ago and it did hurt but I just can't compare it to what I feel now, but so many people have said to me in the last 3 weeks 'I had a miscarriage I know how you feel' 3 people alone said it to me at the funeral. I want to scream at those people that they have no idea what I am feeling, to feel my son in me for 8 months, to give birth to him, to sit by his bedside for 4 days and to have him die in my arms, to see that he had my husbands hair and eyes and to walk away from the hospital with a living breathing baby in the NICU only to have him die the next day. Maybe I am a horrible person but in all the things people have said to comfort me in the last 3 weeks, I hated those miscarriage comments. My MIL even told me she only cried for 2 days after her miscarriage so I 'should get over it soon'. Then I feel guilty that I feel that way towards people who say that because I am not doubted the sadness they felt.

My husband told me he feels like he is over it for the most part already, I don't want to hold that against him, he said he understands why I am not over it, he thinks its different for men and women, he even said to me that he is just happy that I didn't die and he feels he is ok because we will have other children. I guess I am still stuck in that 'I don't want other children I want Sebastian' phase. The only person who I really talk to about my feelings who I truly believes understands the way I feel is my mother, and she's on the other side of the world and I feel so far away from her.

The reason I have been thinking about you is because I am constantly thinking of what it will be like to be pregnant again, will it make it easier, will it make me go through the pain of Sebastian all over again. When will I know I am ready? I think about one day telling my child about his/her big brother, will other people think I am weird for doing that? What if I get pre-eclampsia again? my husband is scared I will die.

Did your Dr's say anything about getting pregnant so soon after a C-section? I talked to my Dr, she said it was totally up to me when I wanted to get pregnant, that she thinks it takes longer for emotional pain to heal then physical. She said if I am prepared to have another c-section next time then there is really no true need to wait for 'physical healing' because by time someone normally conceives again and by time the baby grows big enough for the uterus to stretch the body has healed quite well. I just don't know, I have fertility problems, I only got my period once every 6 months and Sebastian was in himself an unplanned miracle baby, so I am scared if I wait until I am truly ready it may take years to get pregnant again, but if I try in a few months it might some how happen fast and I wont be ready?

I have so many questions in my head that I don't know the answers to, but I just assume most of them will answer them self as time passes.
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  #4  
March 18th, 2008, 06:16 PM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
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Location: Littleton, CO
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Leann, you're like me. I was terrified, yes, but being pregnant with Erin gave me something to look forward to rather than always looking back and thinking "what-if?" I believe that Erin and Cora will have a special bond, like I do with my older sister who was stillborn.


Aussielady (I'm sorry I've just drawn a complete blank on your name!): I felt much the way you do now when I was a month away from my loss. I hated the idea that I would have to get pregnant AGAIN to get the baby I wanted. I was so scared of all the things that can go wrong. But it's sort of a leap of faith. You just have to let go of control and just take the plunge.
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  #5  
March 18th, 2008, 11:55 PM
Fluffy Baby's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: SW FL
Posts: 8,785
I know what you mean about the miscarriage comments. It is not the same. It is a different kind of pain. I have BTDT and I know what misscarriage pain feels like, I know what my son dieing feels like. I couldn't imagine my son dieing in my arms. That would kill me. I would relive that moment over and over again. I told my mom that since my son had to die, I am glad he died in me, I don't think I would have been strong enough to hold him. **hugs to you** I can't even fathom how you feel.

Honestly, moving forward is the only thing you can do. I have friends that had pre-e in their first pregnancies so bad, but went on to have no pre-e in subsequent pregnancies and had full term babies. You are very fertile after having a baby, so you could get pregnant soon if you just threw all caution to the wind.

Moving ahead with life isn't forgetting your son. You will remember him and cherish him everyday for the rest of your life.

As for your DH, he may grieve later, some men do. They remove themselves emotionally to be strong for their wife. My DH started grieving before I did. It took me a good 3 weeks to really realize that it was reality. He started as soon as no heart beat was confirmed.

I have not been to the OB yet. I have to go to the health department with this pregnancy for a few different reasons. This will be my 3rd c/s and that scares me.

I agree with Brittanie. I was saying I was preventing, but we weren't really. After I took the nuvaring out, we were careless and I should have known better. Oh well, things happened and I am very happy about it now. It has only been 5 months, but I am ok with everything. There isn't anything I can do about it. I can cherish him and move forward in my life.

**hugs** hun
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Leann <3 Hector
My trio: Alyssa 7, Tristan 4.75, Gavin 1.5

I am a mixture of all that and a bag of chips... IJS



Rest In Peace Jennifer <3



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  #6  
March 19th, 2008, 04:08 AM
lunarmagic's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: MA
Posts: 4,037
LeAnn, I am glad you feeling mostly good and aren't too scared. That's my biggest fear about my next pregnancy.... I worry that I'll spend the entire thing paranoid and upset and worried. (Well, not my biggest fear, but you know what I mean)


Quote:
I can't believe as parents we have to go thru losing a baby, even a child, no matter what age. Nobody can know the pain of a grieving mother, NOBODY unless they have been thru that. Mother-child bonds is one of the strongest things in the world. When my son died, my heart broke. My heart ached. I yerned to hold and caress a sweet little baby. My son, with the help of God, granted me that. My heart doesn't feel so empty, even tho I still miss him. I can smile and laugh knowning that I have another miracle growing inside of me. I am giving Dominic a baby brother or sister.[/b]
Before losing Devin I really couldn't imagine it... at all. It was beyond understanding. And now... now I still have troubles comprehending. My son is gone. It just seems so far out of the realm of understandable. You're right... no one can understand but someone who has been there.


Quote:
I think the hardest part for me still is that no one I know in real life understands how I feel. I am not trying to offend anyone who had a miscarriage, I've had one myself about 7 years ago and it did hurt but I just can't compare it to what I feel now, but so many people have said to me in the last 3 weeks 'I had a miscarriage I know how you feel' 3 people alone said it to me at the funeral. I want to scream at those people that they have no idea what I am feeling, to feel my son in me for 8 months, to give birth to him, to sit by his bedside for 4 days and to have him die in my arms, to see that he had my husbands hair and eyes and to walk away from the hospital with a living breathing baby in the NICU only to have him die the next day. Maybe I am a horrible person but in all the things people have said to comfort me in the last 3 weeks, I hated those miscarriage comments. My MIL even told me she only cried for 2 days after her miscarriage so I 'should get over it soon'. Then I feel guilty that I feel that way towards people who say that because I am not doubted the sadness they felt.[/b]
I feel the same way. Losing a child is horrible no matter what, but I don't think everyone really understands that I gave BIRTH to him. He was almost a full-term baby. He could have survived outside the womb.... if I had had him a week before, he might have been okay. The idea of miscarrying is horrible in and of itself, especially since I too have fertility problems.... but the pain I feel after carrying my son for 8 months is so huge.... so far beyond. I knew my son.... he kicked me, played with me... he had a personality.... I held him, I saw his little face.


Quote:
The reason I have been thinking about you is because I am constantly thinking of what it will be like to be pregnant again, will it make it easier, will it make me go through the pain of Sebastian all over again. When will I know I am ready? I think about one day telling my child about his/her big brother, will other people think I am weird for doing that? What if I get pre-eclampsia again? my husband is scared I will die.[/b]
Well my husband and I, with our fertility problems, aren't waiting to try.... we need a miracle to get pregnant again. But I wonder and worry too..... to me it feels like getting pregnant again would help give us some hope for the future... not to replace Devin, but.... hope that we will have a living child someday. Right now it feels like it might never happen, and that terrifies me. We will be telling our children about Devin too....
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