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  #1  
March 20th, 2008, 10:12 AM
Ben,Logan&Kaitlin'sMommy's Avatar Super Moderator
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Hi everyone -

I know I am not here a lot anymore and for that I apologize to everyone.

It has been over 4 years since my daughter Rebecca passed away at 27 weeks gestation for unknown reasons and I spend over 3 years grieving and then I decided I wasn't going to let myself get into a depression mode when I moved in September 2007 to Washington (a huge move for us from the East Coast of Canada to the West Coast of the United States) I decided that I wasn't going to talk about her and tell everyone there about her and then I got pregnant in December and now everyone knows because of my high risk pregnancy status.

I have literally spend the last 6 months talking about Rebecca more then I have ever talked about her in the last 4 years because of one person in particular. I am not saying I regret this but it certainly is making me regret somethings that has happened with my pregnancy with her and how it was handled between the father and I.

I got pregnant in May of 2003 and the father and I were a fresh couple and I believe we had actually broken up when I found out I was pregnant. I was also broken up from a long term relationship with someone I dated in high school who went off to join the military and we grew apart and broke up. I was on the verge of pure meltdown before I found out I was pregnant, I was in a friendship with someone (well trying to get out of it) because she was very controlling and I wasn't talking to my parents, they hadn't seen me for a few months - now I had to call them with the news that I was single and pregnant.

The father & I like I said were broken up and I didn't know what I was going to do - he didn't handle the news of my pregnancy very well and we didn't know what to do because it was litterally an accident I will never call my daughter a mistake because it was never a mistake - just an accident. Abortion was never an option for me, I don't agree with this - but I don't judge people that have had them because I know of 2 good friends that have had them in the past and they were both for different reasons.

Ryan (the longterm ex) called me out of nowhere and he knew I was pregnant, we got back together and he accepted me and the baby - it was incredible and I would love him forever for this because he did way more then any man would EVER have to do. He sat on the deck at my parents place and supported me 110% and told them that he loved me and wanted what was best for me.

Matt (the father) and I decided that the best option at this point was for him to give up his parental rights so Ryan could adopt the baby and since he was young (as was I) - we could "relieve" him of this issue. We both thought lawyers, I went through Legal Aid and had no costs and he went through a different lawyer and all the paperwork was drawn up with him giving up his parental rights - these however remain unsigned by both parties because the child in question by the eyes of the court no longer existed the moment she died.

When Rebecca passed away on October 30th 2003 - I called him the next day and let him know - he didn't know what to say. A few days later I send him pictures of Rebecca and his only question was why was she so red.

Ryan & I were married December 6th 2003 - I believe it was in March of 2004 that I contacted Matt again to see if he wanted help with his legal costs because I know they were high, but he declined. See Matt, did this all on his own and didn't tell his parents and to this day his parents have no idea they have a grand-daughter that passed away in 2003. (I regret this because I know how much my parents grieved over this and his parents were never given the chance)

I never heard or saw from Matt again - we went our seperate ways, I went on to have Benjamin in April of 2005 and I got pregnant again last year in December of 2007. We both moved on in our lives and my family continued to grow.

I met someone through work in 2007 and we became good friends - she knew all about Rebecca and it was nice to talk to someone about it - someone that I trusted competely with this information. It wasn't until 6 months ago that I realized the new man that my friend was dating was the same man that I shared a child with in 2003. My jaw dropped and I sat on the computer and I cried and cried. I still have cried over this and I know it isn't fair. Matt knew we knew each other and he didn't want Ashley to tell me they were dating, however I found out four days before they moved in together and three days before they moved in together Ashley found out that Rebecca was Matt's daughter. needless to say I know her mind was spinning and she had no idea what to say or what to do - The only advantage to this entire situation I guess is she knew everything before she knew Matt so she got my side of both of us and how he wasn't a complete a** it was just a rough situation at the time and we handled it to the best of our ability. I was 20 years old.

So now I get on msn and almost everyday this girl talks to me about Rebecca and it has been comforting but so hard because I feel bad for Matt, I feel like I cheated him out on getting to see his daughter for the few hours we had her. I feel that we shouldn't of put Ryan's last name on the birth certificate we should of just used my maiden name - I regret that we were mean to each other. I regret so much.

I don't know this all could be my pregnancy hormones hitting me but I am having a rough time.
Why is it that talking about Rebecca hurts me more then it did 4 years ago? Is it because there is a part of Matt in my life again through Ashley>
I just don't know what to say or do anymore.

I am worried that I am slipping into a depression state right now and that isn't good....









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Rebecca Lee Stillborn 10-30-03
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  #2  
March 20th, 2008, 10:36 AM
plan4fate's Avatar I may bend, but not break
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Sigh... I'm sorry hun, I never ever meant to hurt you in any way or form.

What you went through with Matt never should have happened. No, I don't mean Rebecca shouldn't have happened, but I do believe he should have stepped up or told you that he'd help, instead of just hoping it was all a bad dream. Any theoretical situation I could give would only sound like an excuse... I don't know what to say.

You know how I feel on all the issues on both sides and that I blame nobody, but do not agree with his response to the situation. I love you all, and I wish none of you had had to deal with the loss of an innocent baby. Although I know Matt never dealt with her dying, his train of thought stopped when Ryan wanted to adopt her, and it shouldn't have.

But you did what was best for you and your unborn baby at the time, and no one can say anything about that.

before I babble and make myself look bad, or make Matt look like more of an a** than we both deep down inside know he is, I'm just going to shut up. I'm going to take a vow of silence on this issue and any issue relating to babies other than the little miracle you've got cooking under that bump, and only if you want to talk about it.

I'm sorry for causing you any pain Jenn, i really didn't mean to.

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  #3  
March 20th, 2008, 11:43 AM
lunarmagic's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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(((hug))) I'm so sorry you're struggling with regrets.
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  #4  
March 20th, 2008, 12:10 PM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
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You know, I agree with Ashley: You did the best thing for Rebecca at the time. You NEVER could have thought that she would be taken from you so quickly. The regrets only stand because she was. If she had lived, would you regret the decision to have Ryan adopt her? If not, then you shouldn't worry about it now.


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  #5  
March 20th, 2008, 12:25 PM
Fluffy Baby's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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**hugs** to you all. I couldn't imagine what you are going thru. As you said, you were young then. Things happen all the time that we wish we could redo. I wish I could redo alot in my life. Maybe eveyone should sit down and talk about all the feelings. Hash it out at one time. I always feel better when I get what I want to say off my chest.

Honestly, him coming back into your life at this time seems to be a sign to me. Maybe you and Matt need to talk about what happened without Ryan and Ashley. Life is funny. You and Matt shared a baby together. Unfortunately, she passed away. There is no way anybody could have known that and you guys shouldn't look back on the past. The what ifs will eat at you.

I am sure Rebecca wouldn't want all of you hurting right now. Especially you, Jenn, you are making a baby brother or sister for Rebecca. You don't need to be stressing out about this while you are preggo. Relax and please hun calm down, everything will be ok.
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  #6  
March 20th, 2008, 04:04 PM
Ben,Logan&Kaitlin'sMommy's Avatar Super Moderator
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"Honestly, him coming back into your life at this time seems to be a sign to me. Maybe you and Matt need to talk about what happened without Ryan and Ashley. Life is funny. You and Matt shared a baby together. Unfortunately, she passed away. There is no way anybody could have known that and you guys shouldn't look back on the past. The what ifs will eat at you."

*****
Matt wants nothing to do with me - I think he will forever view me as a mistake and he didn't even want me to pick up Ashley at their apartment a few days ago because I don't even know. I don't see the big #%*$ deal and he can't be an adult about it and that pisses me off.
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  #7  
March 20th, 2008, 07:14 PM
Fluffy Baby's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Aww I am sorry.
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Rest In Peace Jennifer <3



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  #8  
March 20th, 2008, 07:44 PM
plan4fate's Avatar I may bend, but not break
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Matt is very immature about the entire thing, and that bothers me. I want him to own up to what happened, but he just refuses to.

I can't see him ever sitting down and having a conversation with Jenn, even though I've suggested it a few times lately. He just wants the entire situation to go away, and because he never saw Rebecca other than in photos, it'll never be quite real for him, so he just pretends it doesn't exist.

Needless to say, Matt is now overly careful with birth control, he's not letting any surprises happen again.
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Currently trying naturally while saving for IUI

Me: Hashi's, PCOS, Insulin resistant, Multiple miscarriages
Polypectomy - 08/21/14 Laproscopy - 12/05/2014
Him: MFI low count, low morphology, low motillity
Vitamins started August 2nd. Hoping to see specialist in 2015
Cycle 1: Clomid cd3-7 ~ bfn
Cycle 2: Clomid cd 3-7 ~ beta negative (< 3)
Cycle 3: Lap on cd 2 - Femara cd 3-7 - bfn
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  #9  
March 21st, 2008, 06:03 AM
Ben,Logan&Kaitlin'sMommy's Avatar Super Moderator
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the fact that matt is very immature about the entire situation just makes it worse - I grew up quickly when my daughter died and she was very real to me and will forever be real. I have send messages to Ashley about Matt and talked to him briefly through her one night but it means nothing. It was nothing but a waste of time. Oh well.

I have watched my husband cry over Rebecca many times and he grieves his daughter - matt doesn't view her this way and that is fine - but in our eyes she will forever be with us.

As for this little belly bean - I am very nervous espically if it is a girl - and that thought scares me to death.

**
The advantage to AShley is she is making him think about it and realize - which i think is a good thing for Matt
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  #10  
March 21st, 2008, 10:20 AM
Fluffy Baby's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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You know, I have someone in my past that views our "relationship" as a mistake. We are friends now, but not like back in the days. All I can say to that is, hurting someones feelings by even saying that is the most horrible thing someone can do. The past is the past and some people can't accept that. It is good that he has a g/f now that is making him think about it. Maybe he will come to his senses

I have made alot of mistakes in my life, but I don't view people in my past mistakes. I wouldn't be who I am today if it weren't for those people and my experiences with them.

I understand what hurt the whole "mistake" issue can bring up. It has been drilled into me by him and his current girl about what a mistake I was and how it should have never happened. That hurts someone to tell them that and some people have no problem with telling someone that. Especially right after I had Dominic. How would they like it if they were called a mistake? It doesn't feel nice.
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  #11  
March 21st, 2008, 06:04 PM
Ben,Logan&Kaitlin'sMommy's Avatar Super Moderator
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I think part of all this comes down to I am not in the best of terms with my husband right now and my emotions are flying - I feel like Rebecca is something I can have because she was soley mine and I know this is just wrong.

You asked if I regret Ryan adopting her - no, I regret the situation and how it was handled by Matt & I.

I love my son Benjamin to the ends of the world and back again - I wouldnt' change him for anything. He is my man.
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Logan (6), Kaitlin (3)



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Rebecca Lee Stillborn 10-30-03
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  #12  
March 21st, 2008, 07:22 PM
plan4fate's Avatar I may bend, but not break
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As much as it pains me to say, Matthew will never accept Rebecca as his child, and since he doesn't have me anymore to press the issue, the issue dies on his side with me. Matt and I broke up tonight, and he won't tell future girlfriends about the child he conceived.
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Currently trying naturally while saving for IUI

Me: Hashi's, PCOS, Insulin resistant, Multiple miscarriages
Polypectomy - 08/21/14 Laproscopy - 12/05/2014
Him: MFI low count, low morphology, low motillity
Vitamins started August 2nd. Hoping to see specialist in 2015
Cycle 1: Clomid cd3-7 ~ bfn
Cycle 2: Clomid cd 3-7 ~ beta negative (< 3)
Cycle 3: Lap on cd 2 - Femara cd 3-7 - bfn
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  #13  
March 22nd, 2008, 09:11 AM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
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I'm sorry about this whole situation.

Ashley, I'm sorry you broke up. But thanks for being such a good friend to Jenn.


And if Matt can't own up to it, well....you can't make him. At least Rebecca DOES have a father who loves her and misses her, even if that man is not her biological father.


But Jenn, I know what you mean about Rebecca being solely yours. Cora wasn't solely mine, but sometimes I feel a bit selfish about her. She still wasn't quite real to DH yet when she died, though she was more real than if I had miscarried. But I remember her every kick and wiggle, and I alone got to experience her personality, so I do feel like she was just mine, and I sort of treasure that.
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  #14  
March 23rd, 2008, 01:35 AM
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Jennifer sweetie you both were young and like you said, you delt with it the best way you knew how. You both did things and said things you shouldn't have, I'm sure he knows that is was all hurt, anger, and pain and that it was not supposed to happen this way. No matter what her last name is, that is his child, always will be and that is what is important. Yes I think a lot of this has to do with talking to her because there were issues left un told between you and Matt and now that you have this connection in some way with him, your just wanting to make it right, you want to talk like adults now and fix it, there is nothing wrong with that sweetie. Sit down and write out a letter to him, see if this girl will give it to him just so that you can have some peace in all of this. It's not a letter asking him back, it's a letter of words that should have been spoken years ago but it just did not work that way. I'm so sorry your going through this
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  #15  
March 23rd, 2008, 11:13 AM
plan4fate's Avatar I may bend, but not break
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Quote:
Jennifer sweetie you both were young and like you said, you delt with it the best way you knew how. You both did things and said things you shouldn't have, I'm sure he knows that is was all hurt, anger, and pain and that it was not supposed to happen this way. No matter what her last name is, that is his child, always will be and that is what is important. Yes I think a lot of this has to do with talking to her because there were issues left un told between you and Matt and now that you have this connection in some way with him, your just wanting to make it right, you want to talk like adults now and fix it, there is nothing wrong with that sweetie. Sit down and write out a letter to him, see if this girl will give it to him just so that you can have some peace in all of this. It's not a letter asking him back, it's a letter of words that should have been spoken years ago but it just did not work that way. I'm so sorry your going through this[/b]

Jenn knows I would do anything for her that I possibly can, however we both know writing a letter Matt wouldn't do anything, because he won't read it. He's got a skull as thick as a brick wall.
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Currently trying naturally while saving for IUI

Me: Hashi's, PCOS, Insulin resistant, Multiple miscarriages
Polypectomy - 08/21/14 Laproscopy - 12/05/2014
Him: MFI low count, low morphology, low motillity
Vitamins started August 2nd. Hoping to see specialist in 2015
Cycle 1: Clomid cd3-7 ~ bfn
Cycle 2: Clomid cd 3-7 ~ beta negative (< 3)
Cycle 3: Lap on cd 2 - Femara cd 3-7 - bfn
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