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  #1  
March 24th, 2008, 09:02 AM
..Red..'s Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Hi. My name is Franchesca. I recently lost my baby girl, Gwenyth, on March 21st. I was due in July and my story if you haven't seen it is there. In any case, I am now dealing with another painful reminder (aside from the bleeding and cramping) of her delivery. My breasts have engorged as my OB said they would, but they are uber-painful. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to minimize the pain? I'm wearing supportive bras but any touching hurts them. I have an even more difficult time sleeping because when I lay on my sides or stomach or try to cuddle with my husband it's very painful. I know they aren't infected, as I am not feverish, but they are warm. I'm just want this to go away so I am less reminded and at least more comfortable.

Thank you.
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  #2  
March 24th, 2008, 09:42 AM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
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I would suggesting expressing just a little to release the pressure. Also, take a decongestant. It does to your milk ducts what it does to your sinuses (ie, dry them out). When I stopped nursing my Erin I did that once a day and in a couple of days my milk supply had dropped drastically.


I didn't know that after I lost my Cora though, so I feel your pain. It was SO HARD to have that reminder too!


I'm so sorry that you don't still have your Gwenyth with you. I honestly know how it feels, so I know that no words can make it better. But we're here to cry with you, and listen when you need to talk.
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  #3  
March 24th, 2008, 09:45 AM
sarahp's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I'm sorry that you have to go through this as well, it's horrible to have the reminders

Just keep wearing supportive bras - 2 if you have to. I also wrapped my breasts with a bandage to help minimise movement. Once my milk kicked in, it only took 2 or 3 days for the pain levels to go down and my breasts to go back down. Unfortunately you just have to get through these couple of days.

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  #4  
March 24th, 2008, 09:46 AM
SarahBethsMommy's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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First, I am so so sorry for your loss.

When my milk let down, I remember crying and crying not really because of the physical pain but because there was this milk for my son and he couldn't have it. I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

Now, this may sound really weird, but it worked for me. Buy a cabbage and put it in the fridge. Take cold cabbage leaves and put them directly against your breasts. Then get a tight bra or even wrap your breasts in an ace bandage as tight as you can stand it (don't make it hurt). Use warm compresses and take warm showers, that helped me a little. Change the cabbage frequently (whenever it starts getting warm).
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  #5  
March 24th, 2008, 09:46 AM
sarahp's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I was told that expressing a little just extends how long it hurts for - if you're releasing milk, your body makes more. If you just let it be, it shouldn't hurt for as long.
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  #6  
March 24th, 2008, 09:56 AM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
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Quote:
I was told that expressing a little just extends how long it hurts for - if you're releasing milk, your body makes more. If you just let it be, it shouldn't hurt for as long.[/b]

I don't mean much, I mean just enough to release the pressure a little. But yes, it's a supply & demand thing so if you're releasing milk, the body thinks it's being used and is needed, so it makes more. But I had moments where it hurt so bad that's all that helped. And I don't think it made me hurt more for longer. I actually hurt for longer when I was actually nursing Erin.
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  #7  
March 24th, 2008, 10:51 AM
lunarmagic's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I'm so sorry for your loss.

The boobs... yes, boy do they hurt don't they. I couldn't sleep several nights because no matter how I layed down it hurt. I tried a lot of things... the only thing that seemed to bring some minor relief was an ice pack on my boobs. It helped a tiny bit. I did the cabbage leaves thing, that honestly didn't seem to do anything for me, but people swear by it. I was paranoid about hot showers and leaking too much, I didn't want to stimulate more, but if I had to do it again I wouldn't be quite so paranoid about that. They did leak in the shower a little, and they did leak in my bra a little. I found out that trying to wear a looser bra (the tight one was hurting) caused let-down and much more leakage, so I had to go back to the tight bra.

Mine lasted I think 4 days? 5? It seemed to last forever! But it did finally go away. It is thankfully only temporary.
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  #8  
March 24th, 2008, 12:18 PM
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I am so sorry you have had to come to these boards I hope you can find support with us.

The milk for me is/was the most painful physical reminder of my loss. I remember trying to pump every 3 hours for the first 4 days and I'd cry every single time because I wasn't producing any milk, I felt like such a failure. As I held my son in my arms when he was passing away I actually felt my milk come in... I still leak on a daily basis exactly one month after my c-section and I don't even know how to make it stop. I can tell you the breast pain only lasted 2-3 days for me, and the engorgement went down soon after the pain went away. Like others have said a sports bra helps, especially at night, and my mother swore by cabbage leaves.

Dealing with leaking milk and pp bleeding after a baby loss seems like one of the cruelest jokes in the world, I am so sorry again.
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  #9  
March 27th, 2008, 02:55 PM
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I am sorry to have to welcome you here. I'm not visiting this board every day lately, so forgive me for being late. Hopefully you have started feeling better by now.
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  #10  
March 27th, 2008, 04:00 PM
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Welcome! I am sorry you had to venture to this board. The ladies already gave the advice I would give. I am so sorry for your loss.
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  #11  
March 27th, 2008, 04:14 PM
..Red..'s Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Thank you all. My breasts stopped "hurting" so bad a couple of days ago, only to start lactating. My husband thought I drooled all over his back, but no. That lasted about a day or two. Yesterday they were normal. No soreness like I had when I was pregnant either. I even lost most of the "weird" dark discoloration that comes with pregnancy on my nipples. I thought that the pain was distressing, but I almost am completely "normal" again. On the outside.

Last Thursday was the day... Today I am a mess. I feel normal and apparently that isn't actually what I wanted. I thought I wanted to be normal again, but now i just don't know what I want. Didn't help that I got a call from Viacord and the hospital birth records office. Luckily my dad made all the arrangements for me. I just couldn't do it. I am also feeling guilty. I wish I had seen or held my baby. I have only one picture. I feel like a terrible mom. I didn't because my husband couldn't.
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  #12  
March 27th, 2008, 04:51 PM
Sebastians_mom
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I also find on the days when I am feeling most 'normal' or most like my old self, I usually have my biggest downers on those days, the guilt of not grieving all the time can be just as bad as spending hours in the bathroom crying. I think part of me feels like if I stop crying or being upset then I will stop thinking about it, stop remembering him, and of course I don't want to forget my son.

I am sorry you're having guilt over not holding your son. It is hard to ever predict how we will act in those moments, I found I was just on autopilot when Sebastian died, I answered all the questions without real thought, I did what I was told. It was just to hard to do what I truly felt was right. I know my husband didn't want to hold sebastian as he was dying, he was to scared and he only held him for a minute after and had to hand him back to me, he was just freaked out, and I don't totally blame him. I do have some regrets only holding him for an hour. But that is something I can no longer change.

**Hug**
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  #13  
March 27th, 2008, 05:29 PM
..Red..'s Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Quote:
I also find on the days when I am feeling most 'normal' or most like my old self, I usually have my biggest downers on those days, the guilt of not grieving all the time can be just as bad as spending hours in the bathroom crying. I think part of me feels like if I stop crying or being upset then I will stop thinking about it, stop remembering him, and of course I don't want to forget my son.

I am sorry you're having guilt over not holding your son. It is hard to ever predict how we will act in those moments, I found I was just on autopilot when Sebastian died, I answered all the questions without real thought, I did what I was told. It was just to hard to do what I truly felt was right. I know my husband didn't want to hold sebastian as he was dying, he was to scared and he only held him for a minute after and had to hand him back to me, he was just freaked out, and I don't totally blame him. I do have some regrets only holding him for an hour. But that is something I can no longer change.

**Hug**[/b]
thank you. I feel out of control the days i have a bad day. Sleeping for a few hours was definitely helpful today. I felt burnt out but I don't want to lose myself either.

As far as my guilt. I think the biggest issues was that I couldn't move from my waist down due to the epidural and I could feel her just slip out. Giving birth to Gwenyth wasn't what I expected. I could feel her slip out and then finally pop. If I could have move easier I might have felt for her and helped her come out myself. That might have been the best thing, but there isn't anything I could do now. None of my family thought it was a good idea for me to hold her so I was going into labor having negative thoughts mixed with the selfish ones. But maybe wanting to at least see her wasn't selfish. I will never know.
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  #14  
March 28th, 2008, 04:21 AM
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Quote:
Now, this may sound really weird, but it worked for me. Buy a cabbage and put it in the fridge. Take cold cabbage leaves and put them directly against your breasts. Then get a tight bra or even wrap your breasts in an ace bandage as tight as you can stand it (don't make it hurt). Use warm compresses and take warm showers, that helped me a little. Change the cabbage frequently (whenever it starts getting warm).[/b]
I was going to suggest this too --

I am so sorry for your loss!
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  #15  
March 28th, 2008, 06:14 AM
lunarmagic's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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There are so many conflicting emotions..... when you feel horrible you wish you didn't, but when you don't feel horrible you feel like you're not doing/feeling enough.... when your boobs hurt you wish they'd just go back to normal, then they do and you feel so sad that it's gone. It's such a weird feeling to have your body feel normal while your heart's breaking apart. It just feels so wrong.
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  #16  
March 28th, 2008, 06:52 AM
SarahBethsMommy's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I remember laughing at something one day and then feeling so guilty for laughing. Like I should just be sad for the rest of my life. I told my mom that (who is a grief counselor). She said you cannot apologize for what you feel. You can only feel it. If you aren't allowing yourself to feel all emotions then you aren't really grieving.
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  #17  
March 28th, 2008, 04:13 PM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
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I'm sorry you didn't hold her. I'm sorry that your family thought it was the "best" thing. I want to hit all of them for you. I'm sorry if this sounds rude, but what right do they have to determine what is best when they haven't been through the situation? She is your DAUGHTER. I think people start thinking of it as a dead baby and not your child and that skews their thoughts. How could it be a terrible thing for you to hold your daughter, especially when it would be the only time you could?

I don't think you're a horrible mother. You followed their advice because your world had just fallen apart and you weren't thinking straight and weren't capable of making decisions on your own. You hurt so bad that you don't know if you can survive it hurting MORE, so you listen when someone says that it will if you do some certain something. Truth is, it just hurts. I don't think anything could have made it hurt more, just like nothing could make it hurt less. Holding Cora gave me a lot of peace. I'm sorry that they talked you out of that.


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